In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  “Hey, I used to be a huge rock star at one time and I can honestly tell you, he's just a man. Like any other man. No more, no less.” Triny looked over at his pretty daughter. “It might look like a bad idea from where you are, but from my perspective it's an ideal situation.”

  “Why's that?” Lucy frowned, confused.

  “Because as many times as you went wild as a prairie fire, Blake was the cloud burst that kept you from burning alive. You were more good for each other than bad.”

  “How come it doesn't feel that way?” Lucy asked, her eyes glossy as she struggled with the truth in his words.

  Triny put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to his side. “Because you both need to forgive yourselves for the mistakes that were made. And I think being on the road together will give you the perspective that you need.”

  “You think I should go.” She swallowed and jutted her chin out bravely.

  “Yes. Without a doubt.”

  ***

  Kendra felt the sweat running rapidly down the side of her face and she wiped at it futilely. She had finished moving Blake and Sway's things over into the blue bus with Harrison and Mike. Then Taylor Stevens' band had shown up, so she proceeded to help get their things into the red bus. Being an assistant was way more physical than she had anticipated, and her muscles screamed and protested at her every night as she tried to go to sleep.

  Tearing her ACL in her left knee a couple of years ago, and the two surgeries afterward to attempt to repair it, had effectively ended her dreams of dancing for The New York City Ballet. As such, she had pretty much stopped keeping her body in any sort of good physical condition. Her metabolism and eating habits didn't change, so she was relatively the same size. But her muscles had been weakened with inactivity and she couldn't do the things she used to be able to do. After a week on the road though, she was starting to redevelop her muscles, and it made her feel good about how hard she was working. At least she had something to show for it.

  She was honestly trying as hard as she could. She still didn't feel like she fit, but she was learning Carl's habits, and Lenny's constant coaching was very helpful. She got the feeling that she would never have survived the year before, but Lenny had spent that year breaking the crew in and making the system flawless. All Kendra had to do was trust the system and stay on schedule. That, she could do.

  Her ability to remain relatively invisible was both handy and disheartening. No one seemed to ever notice when she was there. She seemed to fade into the background. It was okay, she knew she wasn't as bold and beautiful as Lenny, and she certainly wasn't comfortable with a lot of attention. But it would be nice if people weren't always jumping in surprise when she had to ask them a question.

  “Hey, cutie.” The drummer, Chad, winked at Kendra and she backed up a little. He set his bag on a bunk and pushed his longish brown hair out of his face, giving her a very charming smile.

  “Uh,” she stammered, her thoughts on the next thing on the list. She knew she should respond somehow, but she was completely distracted by the amount of work still to be done. Also, she was not used to being noticed.

  He pressed an arm against the bunk opposite and leaned sideways, eyebrows raised, waiting for her reply.

  “Kendra!” Carl barked from somewhere outside, and she snapped back into focus, hurrying past Chad and down the steps.

  “Even though I'm adding to your responsibilities,” he gestured to the bus behind her where the other members of Taylor's band were loading their things, “you won't be doing any overnights on the red bus anymore. Blue bus or one of the crew ones. I don't know these people.”

  Kendra gave him a small smile. Sometimes Carl reminded her of her father so much.

  “Carl?” Chad came up behind her. “No disrespect, but she'd be fine with us, we don't bite.” He chuckled lightly, thinking he was being funny.

  Kendra thought Carl was going to pop a blood vessel, but he just sucked on his cigarette, boring holes in Chad's face. He flicked the butt to the ground and directed his gaze back to her.

  “Let me know when you see Blake.” He gave a final, disapproving glare to Chad and walked away.

  Kendra pressed her lips together and inhaled deeply. She hadn't seen Blake since after the show last night. He hadn't come back to the bus and she knew that Carl knew. No one else seemed to be too concerned about it, and from bits and pieces of overheard conversations, she'd deduced that this was Blake's hometown. So he was probably seeing people he knew. She hoped he would be back soon so that her slight paranoia could be put to rest.

  She turned back to the bus, but Chad stepped in her way.

  “Really, I hope you're not scared of us, 'cause I'd hate not seeing that cute face around.”

  Was he flirting with her? Is that what this was?

  “I have a lot that needs to be done, excuse me.” She stepped around him and ran up the steps of the bus.

  “Can I help you? It's not like I have anything better to do.” Chad followed her, and Kendra paused in the main lounge.

  “This is my job. I appreciate the offer of help, but I would feel better if you stuck to playing drums.” She kept her voice level and polite, hoping that she didn't sound rude. Chad grinned crookedly and she pursed her lips and turned back to the counter where she had left her clipboard.

  “At least tell me your name. Unless you want me to keep calling you 'cutie.'”

  Kendra didn't understand her friends' jealousy when she told them what she would be doing for the summer. They had acted like being around a bunch of musicians was somehow the most fantastic thing in the world. Kendra disagreed. She sighed and turned back to face him. “My name is Kendra. Please don't call me anything besides that. And you need to put a shirt on, this isn't South Beach.” Then she left him on the bus.

  She was embarrassed at her forthrightness and she could feel her face warming. But she felt she had been honest and clear, so she didn't regret it.

  She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Blake striding casually across the parking lot towards her, hands in pockets. Well, at least she could check “find missing guitarist” off of her list. She moved to intercept.

  “Carl wants to talk to you,” she informed him, then noticed his red-rimmed eyes and the downward pull of his mouth. “But... I can stall for you if you need a nap.” Blake's pep talk with her on day one had left a soft spot in her heart for the tattooed rocker. She should probably notify Carl right away, but Blake looked so sad. Like, unbelievably, painfully, tear at your heart, tragically sad. As if he'd just lost his entire world.

  Blake gave her a tired smile that didn't reach his eyes, and nodded his appreciation. She directed him to his new quarters and readjusted her high ponytail. She needed some advice and there was only one person she trusted to give it to her straight.

  ***

  Lenny was in her usual pre-show post in the sound booth joking around with Greg, long-time sound tech, when she saw Kendra's nervous figure approaching. She excused herself from Greg's company and met her in the aisle.

  “What's up, Kendra?” Lenny asked, seeing the distress and confusion all over the poor girl's face.

  “I would really like to ask you some questions,” Kendra replied timidly, like she was afraid of crossing some sort of invisible line. Lenny directed her to the benches near the stage so they could have some privacy.

  “I have no idea what I'm doing, Lenny.” Her small confession brought a smile to Lenny's face.

  “Can you be more specific?” Lenny asked gently.

  Kendra took a deep breath and then let it all out. She spoke rapidly, and Lenny had to bite her bottom lip to keep a straight face. She told her about how the new drummer was trying to flirt with her when she was much more comfortable being invisible, the fact that she couldn't find the toilet paper that Sway preferred, how Harrison ate more sandwiches than she thought a person could eat in a day, how Mike had taken it upon himself to rearrange the blue bus and it was upsetting to Sway. And, of co
urse, how Blake didn't come back last night and now he looked like crap, and Kendra felt weird about not telling Carl yet.

  Lenny nodded along. She understood how difficult it could be to find your place in this tightly knit family. But Kendra seemed to be doing just fine, it was her own self-doubt that stood in the way.

  “You're doing a good job, even if it doesn't feel like it.” Lenny smiled encouragingly. “It's only the first week, it can take some time getting used to everyone's personalities.”

  “I know.” Kendra closed her eyes and took a slight break from her anxiety. “I just... I want to do a good job. I want to finally finish something and be proud of the work I put into it. Does that make sense?”

  “Absolutely,” Lenny nodded in understanding. “I know this is out of your element and I commend you for taking on this very difficult and dysfunctional family. But I think that you'll find out a lot about yourself during this tour. Stick with it and don't give up. The guys think you're doing a great job, even if they show it poorly.”

  Kendra's doubt seemed to ease slightly and she even smiled a little. “Thanks, Lenny.”

  “Don't worry about the Blake thing. I think he and I need to have a little talk anyway, so I'll take care of that.” Lenny pursed her lips, remembering the last time Blake had gone off grid.

  “Don't be too hard on him.” Kendra worried her lip. “He looked so sad.”

  Lenny tried to not let her concern show as she stood and Kendra joined her. “It's my job as the big sister to keep tabs on him. I'm glad you came to me about it.”

  Kendra smiled sweetly and then ducked her head as she went back to her duties.

  Lenny pinched the bridge of her nose and lowered her head in thought. Blake. Luke had filled her in on the basics, but she knew there was more to it. The band was circling the wagons, and it wasn't like them to be so secretive. And he hadn't come back to the buses last night? Lenny was definitely going to talk to him.

  ***

  Blake's head ached. He crawled into his bunk and drew the curtain, enveloping himself in darkness. But sleep wouldn't come. He just stared into the black, too many thoughts swirling in his head, making it impossible for him to let go and relax.

  He'd woken up that morning alone after having fallen asleep with Lucy in his arms. He might as well have drained a bottle of Jameson on the riverbank with the way that girl went to his head. The morning-after hangover from Lucy was just as potent and horrible. She had left without saying goodbye, and he wondered if he would ever see her again. The long walk back to the buses had done nothing to clear his head, and he was thankful that Kendra wasn't going to rat him out to Carl. He didn't want to deal with that shit storm just yet.

  He heard someone enter the bus and held his breath, waiting to see if they would call for him or not. He knew he wouldn't get away with disappearing last night without some questions being asked. He expected Luke to use his actions as the reason to pull the plug on Taylor Stevens. Blake hoped to God that didn't happen. He didn't need any more reasons to hate himself.

  The curtain to his bunk drew back and he was actually relieved to see it was Lenny. She didn't say anything. Well, he'd rather deal with Lenny than Carl. He rolled out of the bunk and she followed him to the back lounge where she closed the door.

  “Is she coming with us?” Lenny asked gently, and Blake noticed for the first time the worried expression she wore.

  He settled onto the wide couch and slouched against the armrest. Lenny remained standing.

  “I don't know.” He shrugged. “I told her that if she did, I would stay away from her.” He didn't know how much Luke had told her, so he was going to assume she knew all of it.

  “Can you really do that?” She arched a disbelieving eyebrow.

  That was the real question, wasn't it? It was one Blake hadn't been able to answer yet either. “I want to say yes.” He swallowed hard. “But she's... I don't know...” He rubbed the top of his thighs with his palms, trying to dry the sweat.

  “She's important to you,” Lenny finished, understanding in her tone.

  “At one time, Lenny... she was my everything.” His throat started to close and he wondered why he was confessing this to her. Probably because he knew he could trust her. The sister he'd never had. The regrets he had with Lucy were becoming too great to keep inside. It hurt too much.

  “What happened in Virginia Beach last year?” Lenny asked softly.

  Blake didn't expect that question, but it made sense. That was the night Lenny had had to literally carry him out of a bar because he was falling-down drunk. He hadn't thought she'd made the connection. He should have known better.

  “It was her wedding day... or it was supposed to be.” He looked down at his hands, ashamed at his own behavior. That day had been hard. He hadn't felt that helpless in a long time.

  “What do you mean?” Lenny asked.

  “She was supposed to get married to this rich asshole and move to Tulsa. I couldn't handle being sober and knowing she was promising forever to someone else.” He snorted. “But she's not married.”

  “What happened?” Lenny's face was genuinely interested, concerned, making Blake feel safe. Like he could talk about it and someone might get it. Finally.

  “I don't know.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “Yes, before you ask, I was with her all night. No, I didn't ask her any of the questions that I'm dying to have the answers to.” He dropped his hand back to his lap and leaned his head against the tinted window. “I just... held her.” All night.

  “Oh, Blake.” Lenny's compassion was going to send him over the edge. He could feel the desperation clawing at his insides and he swallowed it back down. He wasn't going to cry. He refused.

  “I don't think she's coming, which is what really hurts because she's really talented, Lenny.” His brows pulled together. “And I can't help but think it's all my fault. If I had treated her better, or maybe if I'd never known her... she'd be living the life she always hoped to. The life she was supposed to...”

  He destroyed every beautiful thing he touched.

  “What if that's not the case?” Lenny's tone changed slightly, and Blake frowned at her. She nodded her head at the window behind him. He turned to look, hoping it wasn't his imagination.

  Lucy was pulling luggage out of her GTO and Kendra was carrying it to the red bus. Blake's chest constricted as he watched.

  She was here. She was coming with them.

  He swung his eyes back to Lenny and she quickly laid her hand on his knee, apprehension coloring her features.

  “Lenny, I...” He wanted to say so much more, but she nodded in understanding.

  “I've got your back, Blake. Just don't do anything stupid,” Lenny warned carefully.

  “How should I react? Should I go talk to her?” Blake was suddenly very nervous. Lucky was coming on the road with him. He was going to get to see her every day. Hear her play again. It was... surreal.

  “Yeah, you should be friendly.” Lenny seemed to hesitate. “But keep it cool. You can do that, right?”

  “Yeah...” Blake rubbed his hands on his pants again as Lenny opened the door to the lounge and they walked through the bus. He released one final, cleansing breath before putting on his game face.

  ***

  So, she would be sharing a bus with three dudes that she only kind of knew. This should be fun.

  Lucy kept her beloved guitar with her instead of stowing it with the other equipment. She chose a bunk and tried to familiarize herself with the layout of the vehicle. It was bigger than she thought it would be. And far more glamorous than she expected for her first time on the road. But that was DBS being overly accommodating.

  She went back outside and found Blake waiting for her at the bottom of the steps with a pretty blonde woman. So much for staying away. His face was blank, sunglasses firmly in place. Too cool for school.

  “I wanted to welcome you to the tour,” he said, sticking out his hand. It was almost painful that thi
s is what they were reduced to, practically strangers. At best, polite acquaintances.

  “Thanks, Blake.” She took his hand and tried to ignore the way his skin felt against hers. It was always new, and always startling. She let go quickly and looked at the blonde.

  “I'm Lenny Casey,” she introduced herself with a warm smile, and Lucy relaxed slightly. She had been a little fearful that maybe this was Blake's girlfriend, and that would have made this whole encounter even more awkward. “You must be Lucy Newton.”

  “That's the rumor.” Lucy shook Lenny's hand and smiled when Lenny smirked at her reply.

  “It'll be nice to have another girl around. The testosterone around here can get a little pungent.” Lenny's dark blue eyes shone playfully and Lucy found herself drawn to the tall beauty. Maybe this tour wouldn't be quite as uncomfortable as she had feared.

  “I guess I figured the groupies would help balance that out.” Lucy wasn't stupid. Her father had told her enough for her to know how it worked on the road.

  “Nah, I have a special groupie repellent.” Lenny winked and Lucy laughed. “No groupies allowed. Although,” Lenny made a face, “that goes for you too.”

  Lucy grinned, liking Lenny more and more. “That won't be an issue. I seem to have a built-in repellent of my own.”

  Lenny looked over quickly at Blake, and Lucy realized she knew their history. His jaw was working under his skin and she resisted the urge to reach out and touch it like she used to. Well, that got awkward fast.

  “I have to get back to sound check, but welcome to the tour, Lucy.” Lenny smiled again and gave a look to Blake that could only come from an older sister. Lucy fought to hide her amusement.

  Blake stood in front of her silently for a few minutes and Lucy wasn't sure if she should say something or walk away.

  “I'm glad you decided to come.” His voice was flat, his face expressionless.

  “I want to be clear about something.” Lucy stuck her hands in her pockets and faced him directly. “I'm not here for you. I'm here because Taylor is my friend.”