In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  Blake closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands. “You know you're too much of a hard-ass to just up and leave us, right? I mean, it would kill Lucy if...” His voice trailed off and he tried clearing his throat.

  This was as good a time as any to tell him what he hadn't ever taken the time to say before. He'd waited too long the way it was, and if he'd learned anything in the past couple of weeks, it was that he should be telling people how important they were to him. So they at least knew.

  “I'm sorry for all the shit I pulled. I know you know that, but I wanted to tell you anyway. In all honesty, I'm not ready to be without you yet.” His vision began to swim, making the bed before him blurry. “I don't know how many dads I can lose. You're not done teaching me things. I still don't know how to be a man.”

  He reached out and gripped Triny's limp hand adamantly. “You have to pull out of this. You have to. Don't you dare think about leaving. There's still so much to do. And you always said it's important to finish what you start... so I'm gonna hold you to that.”

  He sat in silence for a long time, letting the sounds of the equipment lull him into a semi-conscious state. He needed to get back out to the waiting room. He knew how terrified he was feeling, he could only imagine how Lucy felt.

  ***

  Lost. That's the only way Lucy could describe how she was feeling. She felt lost.

  One time, when she was eight, she had taken one of the horses and had gone for an afternoon ride. It was against the rules and she knew she would get in trouble, but she wanted to prove that she was old enough and brave enough to do things that the older kids could do.

  A storm had gathered quickly, as sometimes happens on the prairie, and her mount spooked. She was thrown and had hit her head. She woke up in a field in the dark, having no idea where she was. She had never been more scared in her entire life. Terrified, she didn't know what to do, so she curled into a ball and cried.

  That's how she felt now. Lost and alone.

  Her dad had found her. She remembered him holding her in his strong arms and kissing the top of her head repeatedly. He promised that, no matter what happened or how far she went, he would always come for her.

  It wasn't until this moment that she realized what an impossible promise that was. Because here she was, lost, and he wasn't able to come for her.

  She looked up as Blake reentered the waiting room, his eyes red from his own tears. Their hearts had always mirrored each other's and she could feel his grief from across the room.

  He gave her a tight smile and she felt fresh tears travel down her face. This felt eerily similar to when they had been called to the hospital the night Blake's dad died. When she looked at him, she saw a young boy again, confused and desperate. He needed someone as much as she did.

  She hadn't realized that she had gotten up and crossed the room until she was already in his arms. He buried his face in her hair and she clutched his neck tightly. She was so glad he was here. Getting through this without him would be impossible. He drew her back over to Shane and practically pushed her into his lap again. Shane's comforting hand curled around hers and she clutched it.

  Blake took the seat next to them and sighed. “It's gonna be all right. I know it.”

  He was being brave. But weren't they all? What else could they do? She was so tired of having to come to this place and end up losing someone important to her. First her mom, then Blake's dad, then her grandparents. Just once she wanted to be able to leave this place and have everything be okay instead of having her heart yanked from her chest.

  A fiery redhead swept into the room at that moment, bringing a refreshing comfort that only a mother can bestow. “Oh baby girl, I came as soon as I heard.” Karen Diedrich, Blake's mama, sank to her knees at Lucy's feet. Lucy fell into her soft embrace without hesitation, burying her face in the woman's neck.

  “I'm so scared, Miss Karen,” she cried, tears breaking free again as she was overwhelmed by Karen's motherly comfort. Karen had been a constant in her life after she'd lost her own mama. She'd never failed to show up to Lucy's big life events. Even after things ended so badly with Blake, Karen had continued to treat her like family. Like now.

  “Sshh, it's gonna be just fine.” Karen smoothed her hair back. “Your daddy is the toughest man I know.”

  “Thanks for coming, Mama.” Blake rubbed his hand down his face.

  “I brought you a change of clothes and some supplies. 'Cause if I know my Lucy, she's not leavin' the hospital for anythin'.” Karen could so easily be lighthearted while taking charge of a situation that Lucy was thankful. In that moment, she forgot her fear for one small second and was just thankful.

  ***

  Shane felt like an outsider again. It wasn't anyone's fault. Karen was more than inclusive, and Lucy remained in his arms or by his side when she wasn't with her dad. Blake told him stories about their childhood, keeping the atmosphere light and positive, and he became acquainted with several of Lucy's family members. The preacher from Triny's church had also joined them by now and he led the group in prayer several times, bringing them peace and hope.

  But Shane couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't supposed to be there.

  The whole night, as he had sat by her side, trying to get a read on her, she had been blank. Expressionless. Closed off to him and the world. But the moment Blake entered the room, all that changed. Her blank face had morphed into sorrow, fear, worry, heartache and relief. A cascade of emotions had tumbled out of her, and it was Blake who had brought the wall down. Shane hadn't missed that part.

  He watched Blake and Lucy's interactions throughout the night and into the dark hours of early morning. It was perfectly clear the very deep bond they shared. It wasn't easy to explain, and he understood now why Lucy hadn't gone into detail about their past. How could she? What words could she use? But it was so incredibly obvious to Shane. Even if they had deluded themselves into believing they were over, they just weren't. And they never would be.

  Lucy went to see her dad again and Shane took the opportunity to take a walk, clear his head. He said some prayers of his own. He needed Triny to pull through for a whole different set of reasons.

  He wandered down to the hospital cafeteria and got yet another cup of coffee. Swirling the sugar packet into it slowly, he stared at the table, fatigue taking more of a toll than usual.

  He glanced up as Kendra took a quiet seat across from him.

  “How ya holding up?” she asked, her hazel eyes asking the bulk of the question.

  Shane shrugged. In all honesty? Just barely. He took a deep breath and his eyes connected with hers again. “They're in love with each other, aren't they?”

  Her lips parted and her eyes softened with sympathy. And Shane knew, before she even confirmed it vocally. He clenched his jaw and nodded, his eyes dropping to the table.

  “I think they've tried really hard not to be,” she said compassionately, and Shane started to concentrate on his heavy heartbeats.

  Kendra cleared her throat lightly and slid her hands onto the table, drawing Shane's gaze back to hers. “I think she loves you, too.”

  Shane huffed out a tight laugh. “Yeah. Just not as much as him.”

  Kendra swallowed and Shane admired her sweet persistence in this moment. This is why she'd been so against him being around Lucy in the beginning. She knew. Heck, everyone probably knew. And she'd only been trying to stand in the way of what she knew would be a tragic ending.

  “This is one of those rare circumstances where there is no clear-cut bad guy,” she whispered, her eyes going liquid.

  Shane's head jerked at her words. It registered then. What had to happen next. The steps needed to be taken, the righting of this whole situation.

  “I can fix that,” he said roughly, and her eyes went wide.

  “What do you mean?” Her voice trembled slightly and Shane looked away from her again.

  He rubbed the center of his chest, over his heart. It burned and ached. So t
hat's what this feels like, he thought as he wondered at the sensation. He knew he'd broken hearts in his past, but he had never felt one himself. Until now.

  “If there is one thing I've had a lot of practice with, it's being the bad guy.”

  Chapter 20

  Broken

  Lucy's dad woke up around dawn. She had been sleeping by his bed when it happened, and Shane was out in the waiting room where he had spent the majority of the night wrestling with the choice he wasn't ready to make.

  A nurse came to inform them of Triny's progress, and Shane's relief was overshadowed by the guilt of not wanting the man to wake up yet. He wasn't ready.

  He wasn't privy to all the tests and such that were performed shortly after. The conclusion seemed to be that Triny was fine and would be leaving after another night of observation. They moved him to a different room outside of the ICU where he could receive more visitors at a time.

  “I can't believe you came home for this,” Triny grumbled from his bed, squeezing Lucy's hand.

  Lucy only smiled, her fear and anxiety completely gone. Shane loved seeing the glow return to her face. Seeing her with her dad made him want to know more about her, spend time with her in her world. But now, that would never be.

  He swallowed hard, trying to find the indifference that used to come so easily to him. Trying to sever himself from the delicate flower across the room.

  This was going to be the worst day of his life.

  ***

  Lucy stared in awe at her resilient father who was sitting up in his bed and regaling his visitors with tales from his past. Everything had changed so quickly in the last few hours. She had been terrified of losing him, and now he was talking about trying to sneak out early.

  She looked at Shane, who was sitting quietly in the corner. He'd been an incredible support to her throughout the night, and she wasn't sure what she would have done if he hadn't been there. His hair was mussed, his clothes were rumpled, his inability to shave had cast a dark shadow across his jaw, and his eyelids looked heavy. Poor guy hadn't slept a wink.

  “Why don't you kids get some rest,” her daddy instructed from his post. He must have noticed the same thing she had.

  “I'm good, daddy, I don't want to leave,” she protested, suppressing a yawn.

  “Nonsense, you need to get yourself a hot meal and a shower, and so does your fella there,” Karen reprimanded kindly. “I'll keep watch. I'll call the moment he attempts any sort of getaway. Besides, Blake and Kendra should be back in a little while, so I'll have reinforcements.”

  Lucy snickered when Triny harrumphed. “I suppose a nap wouldn't hurt.” She raised her eyebrows at Shane, who stood and reached for her hand.

  They left the hospital silently, Shane guiding her to the waiting car. She relaxed against the head rest and let out a sigh.

  “That was kind of an exciting night,” he remarked before starting the car. “Where do you wanna go?”

  “The diner? I could use some waffles.” She turned her head to smile at him, but he was rather subdued.

  “You got it.” He reached for the GPS and handed it to her to plug in the address.

  “You okay?” she asked quizzically.

  “Yeah, I'm just tired, I think,” he said stiffly.

  She blinked back the small sting she felt in response to his awkward coldness and entered the address into the GPS.

  They drove in silence across the small town. Several times along the way she wanted to point out little things to share with him, but decided against it. She had been looking forward to bringing him home to meet her family and show him where she grew up; the current circumstances weren't exactly desirable. Maybe he really was just tired. She was too, she was probably being more sensitive than usual.

  The diner was busy but they found a spot in the back; her and Blake's favorite booth, incidentally. She dragged her fingertips along the edge as she slid onto the bench, feeling the familiar grooves of their names.

  “Waffles are good here, huh?” Shane asked with a tight smile.

  “Best in town,” she nodded.

  The meal was delicious, the conversation awkward. Shane was curt with the waitress and monosyllabic with Lucy. She was starting to think she had done something wrong. Shane was not being his usual self. He was kind of being a jerk.

  “You wanna get a quick nap at my apartment?” she asked hopefully when they got back in the car. Thinking that maybe he'd be better if he got some sleep in him. The guys in the band could get a little bitchy when they hadn't slept in awhile, too.

  “Sure,” he sighed and handed her the GPS again.

  By the time they pulled into the parking lot of her place, she was positive he was upset with her, but she couldn't think of one reason why.

  She tried to think of a way to address it or fix it, not liking the detachment she was sensing in him. He hadn't even tried to hold her hand since they left the hospital, and he seemed to be pulling further away by the second.

  She slid her key into the lock and pushed the door open. Her apartment wasn't anything huge or fancy, just a small one-bedroom on the third floor. Her furniture consisted of used pieces she'd bought at local flea markets or garage sales. It was eclectic, to say the least. But it was hers.

  Shane entered the room and surveyed his surroundings. Lucy had never been self-conscious about her simple living quarters, but now she was a little embarrassed.

  “Can I get you a glass of water or something?” she asked as she hung her keys on the hook and crossed the floor into the tiny kitchen.

  “No thanks,” he replied as he sat down on the sofa and rested his head in his hands.

  Her heart stumbled uncomfortably as she watched him. It was like waking up from a nightmare only to find yourself plunging headfirst over a waterfall. She could see what was coming and was powerless to stop it.

  He raised his head to look at her, his amber eyes flat. “We need to talk.”

  ***

  Shane would rather set himself on fire than have this conversation. But he had to make sure it was over. Final.

  She crossed the room towards him and sat on the coffee table, her brown eyes round with worry. She already knew what was coming. He was going to hate himself after this, way more than she would.

  “What is it?” she asked anyway, even though she clearly knew what was going on.

  “Now that's it's obvious that your dad is gonna be fine, I'm gonna go back to New York.” He rubbed his jaw, feeling the roughness on his fingertips and focusing on being insensitive. Cold.

  “Okay.” She waited for the rest. The other shoe she had talked about a few weeks ago? He was getting ready to throw it at her.

  “I think it's best that we don't see each other anymore.” The words tasted bad in his mouth. Like bile and deceit.

  Her eyes filled with tears and her jaw began to quiver. He ground his teeth together and looked away. His eyes drifted to the bracelet he had given her in Encinitas. The burning in his chest intensified.

  “What did I do?” she whispered helplessly, and he wished he could punch himself in the face right now. He didn't want this.

  “Nothing.” He cleared his throat. “You didn't do anything.” At least that much was true.

  “I don't understand.” A large tear escaped the corner of her eye and rolled slowly down her perfect cheek. He watched it splash onto her pant leg in slow motion. Evidence of his cruelty.

  “We come from different worlds and... I don't see a future for us. I don't want to waste your time.” Lies. All of it. Straight bullshit.

  “But I thought...?” Her mouth hung open in shock and he had to fight the urge to take it all back, pull her into his arms and never let go.

  “I should never have let this go as far as it did and for that, I'm sorry.” Shane struggled to keep his voice even. He was going for 'business-like' but knew it was coming out closer to 'shallow apathy.'

  “But you said you loved me.” Both of her eyes were spilling tears, unchecked.
He watched her pants soak up the salty waterfall.

  “I don't.” Shane had never told a bigger lie in his life. His heart was beating so haphazardly that he was afraid it was going to have permanent damage. He wondered vaguely if it would ever forgive him for what he was doing to it, and to her.

  “I don't believe you.” She sniffed back more tears, trying to put on a brave face.

  He was actually a little happy about that. That meant that he'd made it clear and obvious in all he did that he loved her. Because he did. With his whole heart. He was stupid in love with her. That's exactly why he had to do this. And she had to believe him, or she would never embrace the future that would enable her heart to thrive the way it was meant to.

  “I don't understand at all, this isn't like you.” Her pretty face was trying make sense of it all, and it was an extra kick to his gut. She was so trusting, so legitimately caught off guard.

  “Yes, it is. Ask Lenny. Hell, ask anyone. This is exactly who I am.” His voice was cold and callous. He couldn't believe he was actually doing this, breaking her heart. On purpose.

  “I'm sorry,” he said again, trying to maintain his composure. He'd save his own tears for the drive to the airport. He stood up, loathing how he felt.

  “Please, Shane,” she whispered, her voice cracking at the end. “Please, don't go.” Her shoulders had started to shake from the weight of everything she had been through the past couple of days.

  This tiny moment held so many unbelievably huge things. He had to go, it was now or never. He couldn't change his mind. Not after he had wounded her so grievously. No, there was no coming back from this.

  He reached out to touch her one last time but stopped himself, he didn't have that right any longer. “We can stay friends,” he said instead, turning to the door while simultaneously finishing off any hope that might remain in her now shattered heart. “I'll see ya around, kid.”

  His legs felt like lead weights as he hurried to the rental car. His heart demanded his body go back, fling himself at her feet and beg for forgiveness. But his head pushed on. This was the only way. It had to be like this.