In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  ***

  The door slammed closed behind him and Lucy sat in shock. She felt lifeless. Confused. The tears refused to abate and her pant legs were wet from where they had been falling.

  She heard a shuddering sob and realized that it had come from her. Her body convulsed with the pain in her chest and she doubled over.

  “What did I do?” she asked again, with no one there to answer her. No one was ever there to answer that question. The same one she had been asking for years now. It had to be her, though. She was the common denominator. She was the reason that her heart kept getting pulverized. How could she ever fix whatever it was she was doing wrong if no one would tell her?

  It hurt. God, it hurt so bad.

  “I'm not ready,” she cried out loud, wanting desperately for someone to hear her. “I'm not ready!” she repeated, louder this time.

  But who was ever ready to get their heart crushed? Who came prepared for an assault of this magnitude?

  It was strange, the way time seemed to become very slow and the clock unbearably loud. Her breathing came in thin, shallow rasps as she struggled for understanding, acceptance. Her limbs trembled and her head ached.

  Shane had been her hero just twenty-four hours prior. What the hell had happened? She refused to believe that he was really that hard, uncaring person that had sat here just moments ago. She knew him. Had spent a good deal of time and energy getting to know him. This... this had never come up before.

  He must have figured it out, somewhere in between then and now. She'd done something, had accidentally given it away. He had obviously figured out she wasn't enough. She would never be enough. Same story, different man.

  She was right back to where she would always end up. Alone.

  Lucy clenched her fists, intent on driving out her heartache with blinding rage. But it wouldn't come. She was too tired and too sad. The anger never showed up.

  Instead she curled into the spot on the couch where he had sat and sobbed herself into unconsciousness. Accepting the fact that her heart would remain perpetually broken.

  ***

  Blake checked the clock on the wall. Lucy had been gone a long time. She and Shane had been gone when he and Kendra had returned. His mom said they'd gone to get something to eat and rest. He was glad for that, she had exhausted herself.

  But it was getting late, and no one had heard from her. She must really have been tired, he supposed. Still, there was an unsteady tingle in the back of his mind. The one that would show up when he knew, without knowing how he knew, that she was in trouble. And she needed him.

  “Hey, how's the invalid?” Lucy stood in the doorway, a half-smile on her face as she looked at her daddy.

  Blake's elation at seeing her was short-lived when he saw the puffiness under her eyes and the slow way she carried herself as she walked across the room to sit at her daddy's side. Her hair was still wet from her shower, but she didn't look like she'd gotten any rest at all. Not to mention that that tingle was starting to ring like a distant alarm.

  “I'm ready to go 'bout now.” Triny furrowed his brow at the nurse, who only snickered.

  “You never were a very good patient.” Lucy smiled at him. But it was a sad smile.

  Blake started to get a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach and the distant alarm wasn't so distant anymore.

  “Where's that tall fella that was with you before?” Triny asked, looking towards the door.

  “He had to get back to New York,” Lucy explained. “He has a very important job.”

  “I see.” Triny pursed his lips. “When are you headed back out?”

  “Maybe I won't go back,” she said softly.

  Blake wasn't sure he had heard her quite right and he was about to interrupt and protest, but Triny gave him a hidden wink.

  “The girl I raised finishes what she starts,” Triny chided.

  “But, Daddy,” Lucy finally raised her eyes from the bedspread. “Look what happened to you while I was gone.”

  “That woulda happened had you been here,” Triny exclaimed. “Your presence doesn't protect me; you do not have superpowers.”

  “I know, but Daddy, I don't... I don't know how I can go back out there when you'll need someone to take care of you.”

  “Stop being belligerent, Sweet Bit,” Triny stopped her argument. “I am going to be just fine. I have more people hovering around me now than I know what to do with, and I will not have you be another one.”

  Lucy fell silent, a defeated look on her face. Her spark had dimmed considerably and Blake's concerns were mounting, that damn alarm was ringing in his head and he clenched his fists together at his sides.

  “When's the next show?” Triny asked Blake, who pulled his phone out to check the text from Carl, glad for something to do besides worry about Lucy's odd behavior.

  “We only had to postpone a few dates, so the next one is day after tomorrow.” He paused and rubbed his hand over his chin. “They got us a private plane to the next venue, Lucky,” he said, hoping to lift her spirits.

  She made eye contact with him for the first time since she'd entered the room, and the pain in her eyes almost knocked him out of his chair. She blinked slowly, like she was still exhausted. It took a tremendous amount of willpower for him to remain seated and not rush to her side.

  “Fine, I'll finish the tour. But then I'm done,” she said neutrally.

  Blake looked to Triny, who gave a subtle nod. They had time.

  ***

  Blake couldn't find a moment alone with Lucy. He tried. A lot. But she was being evasive and he had his suspicions as to why. Shane was gone. It was pretty obvious, but he had to hear it from her before he chose his next course of action.

  He'd had a good talk with Triny about the opportunities available to Lucy and what that could mean to her future. Triny reiterated that it was her choice and she had to be comfortable making it. Meaning, Blake needed to not harass her about it.

  Triny was discharged from the hospital that afternoon and had a whole mess of lasagnas in his freezer to come home to. The church ladies had been busy. Apparently, Triny Newton was quite a popular widower.

  Blake chuckled to himself as he tried to make more room in the fridge for the eighth casserole that had been dropped off that day. “Triny, you may need to consider getting another refrigerator.”

  “I'll take the extras down to the shelter tomorrow,” he responded with an amused shake of his head.

  “You will not, you need to rest.” Lucy put her fists on her hips and Blake couldn't help but smile. Pushing past whatever it was that was causing her insides to cave-in, she put on her brave face and took care of what needed to be done first.

  “I guess I'll have to wait 'til she leaves town.” Triny pointed at her with his thumb while grimacing at Blake.

  “She cares about you,” Blake reminded him with a chuckle, not wanting to take sides between the two of them. Besides, he already knew he'd end up on Lucy's side, that's how it worked.

  “Ahh,” Triny waved it off and turned down the hall, “it's time for my nap. You two make yourselves scarce.”

  Blake loved how Triny never had a problem kicking people out of his house. And this was his opportunity. He didn't hesitate in grabbing Lucy by the hand and pulling her outside. He was getting his conversation with her, whether she wanted it or not.

  He didn't let go of her hand, enjoying the familiar feel of it as he led her along the fence line. He looked over at her wild, dark brown hair blowing across her face and was reminded of how long they'd known one another. Longer than most people knew each other these days.

  He stopped along the fence and jumped up on the railing, holding his hand out to help her up. She looked from him to the fence, then back to the house.

  “C'mon, Lucy, let's talk,” he said gently.

  She finally sighed and then climbed up to sit next to him. Adjusting her seat on the sturdy fence, one hand pulled her hair out of her face, her fingers trailing through the dark
tresses, and Blake stared at the movement. His gaze shifted to her eyes and again, he was almost knocked over by the pain he saw there.

  “What happened with Shane?” he asked, watching her face intently while she avoided looking at him and instead focused on the field in front of her.

  “He didn't want me.” She said it so simply that he thought maybe he misheard.

  “I don't understand.”

  Her shoulders slumped and her face went slack. “He said he didn't love me and we shouldn't see each other anymore.”

  That made absolutely no sense. Blake knew he was frowning, but he couldn't stop.

  “You're not serious.” He was grasping, trying to find some indication that this wasn't what it sounded like. It had to have been a misunderstanding. A horribly grotesque misunderstanding.

  “Why are you making me talk about this, Blake?” She looked at him then and new tears had gathered in her eyes. Different ones than she had shed in the hospital. These tears shimmered with the sting of rejection and hopelessness. “Do you enjoy making me relive my failures?” Her words burned in his chest.

  “What failures? Did he say this was your fault or something?” Blake was starting to get angry. No, he was livid. At Shane.

  “Nope,” Lucy laughed sardonically. “No one will tell me why I'm not wanted. Why I'm not enough.”

  “That's never—” Blake closed his eyes, trying to understand what was going on. “It's not you.”

  “Yeah, okay,” she said, clearly not believing him, her chin dipping to her chest and her hair falling over her face again.

  Blake ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “I'm sorry, Lucy.”

  “It's fine. I'll get through this just like before.” She lifted her head to the horizon again. “Like I always do.”

  “Were you in love with him?” He couldn't not ask.

  “I wanted to be.” Tears fell on her face and she wiped them away. “But I've been wrong about so many things now, I have no idea.”

  He put his arm around her shoulders but she shrugged him off. That cut deep.

  “I can't, Blake.” She wiped her face again. “I just can't.” She jumped off the fence and headed back to the house.

  Blake sat in the late afternoon sun, but it didn't melt the ice that had settled in his veins. He jumped down and stalked angrily across the pasture. He had told Shane what the consequences would be if he broke her heart.

  ***

  Lucy was trying to put on a brave face, but it was all a front. She wasn't good at lying, and pretending like she was fine was nothing more than an elaborate deception. But she didn't want the questions. She was too ashamed of the answers.

  She had done it again. Had fallen for a man without knowing where it would go, taking that risk and hoping for the best. And it had left her devastated.

  She wished she would have seen it coming, could have seen the signs. But she had been just as stupid as she'd always been. Giving her heart to a man who simply didn't want it. Love had always meant more to her than to those she was trying to give it to.

  She didn't know why she walked around with her heart out in front of her, on display, begging someone to please, see it and cherish it. She only wanted to be loved the way she loved. Was that so wrong? Isn't that what everyone wanted?

  How did her heart continue to beat when it was so badly bruised and battle weary?

  She sat down in the grass on the far side of the house. It's where she used to go to write and sing the songs she wasn't ready to share yet. Her safe place. She would sit here as a little girl in her mama's lap, and it had remained a place of peace and solace for her. They would laugh and visit, having their secret games and special talks. Lucy would beg her to tell the story of how her parents fell in love again and again.

  “Do you think I'll find a someone who loves me the way Daddy loves you?” Lucy asked as Mama tucked another flower in her braid.

  “Of course you will.” Mama smiled and pulled her into her lap.

  “How will I know?” Lucy asked, playing with the bracelet on her arm that her mama had made out of a piece of leather and some string.

  “Anyone can stick around when it's sunny. It's the man who stands by you in the storm that is worth pledging your life to.”

  Lucy considered that for a moment. “Does Daddy stand by you when it storms?”

  “Always. And I stand by him.”

  “What if it gets scary?”

  “Sometimes it does,” Mama said, hugging her tight, “so you don't let go, no matter how hard the wind blows.”

  More tears ran as Lucy tucked her face between her knees and quietly sobbed.

  “I miss you, Mama,” she whispered. “I think I'm doing something wrong. I keep loving... I keep holding on... but it's never enough... what do you do when you're the one that keeps getting let go of? What if loving them isn't enough?”

  She thought of the night that Blake was supposed to pick her up, but instead had left for California. She had worn pink. His favorite. But that turned out to be the worst birthday ever.

  She had believed that there was no fight they could have that they wouldn't be able to get through, that they wouldn't be able to rise above. She never thought he'd walk away.

  She had been wrong.

  She had settled with Frank. She planned on marrying him simply because she thought it was a safe choice. He was plain-looking, homely even, and had deep roots in Oklahoma. It was humiliating to find out that not only had Blake been right about the guy, but she had had to witness the unfaithful rat bastard firsthand. Breaking off that relationship was easy after that. She wasn't exactly attached.

  But with Shane, she knew she was loved. She could look in his eyes and see it. She could kiss his lips and feel it. How had she been so wrong? Again?

  Was she only seeing the reflection of her lonely heart wanting what it craved so desperately? How would she ever trust her heart again? All it did was betray her.

  Chapter 21

  Find A Way

  Blake left Lucy at her dad's without asking any more questions. He needed to get some things sorted out in his head and on paper, then he'd be back for her.

  After he had dinner with Kendra and Mama, he went over the next day's itinerary with K. They had to leave for Tulsa in the morning, and the private plane would get them to the next venue by late afternoon.

  He wouldn't be able to make a side trip to New York like he wanted. No matter, he'd go after the show. This kind of conversation didn't happen over the phone. Blake wanted to be able to look Shane in the eye before he broke his jaw.

  Until then, Lucy was his priority. He wasn't going to tell her about his plans to see Shane. She didn't need that headache. He only wanted to help her get through this seriously shitty episode of her life. He was her best friend and she was his. It didn't matter how much he had screwed up previously, he could do this part right.

  He stared up at the ceiling in his room and felt a smirk tug at the corner of his mouth. He was waiting for Kendra and Mama to fall asleep. It really didn't matter if they knew where he was going, but the secrecy added to the adventure. And reminded him again of all the history he and Lucy shared. Their lives had not only intersected at significant junctures. They wrapped, tangled, practically braided around each other. Theirs was a forever connection.

  He silently slipped out of the covers and padded down the hall, carrying his boots in one hand. Opening the door and stepping out into the warm night, he felt a tingle start in his chest and flare towards his fingers. He pushed his bike down the road, going at least two blocks before bringing the old Harley to life.

  He roared across town, adrenaline pumping through his limbs. The night was alive and it sparked and danced in his single headlight, every mile bringing him closer to her.

  He couldn't wait to get her on the back of his bike again. Where she belonged.

  When he got to the turn-off for Lucy's road, he killed the motor and stashed the bike behind a stand of trees. Then he jogged
through the night to her bedroom window.

  He hadn't done this in so long that he felt even more rebellious than he ever had in his youth. It was stupid and sweet. And exactly who they were.

  Coming to a stop outside her window, he took a deep breath. The air was rejuvenating, filling his limbs with buzzing anticipation. If she had the window locked he would have to knock. But he had a feeling she would be waiting for him.

  ***

  Lucy couldn't sleep. She had spent herself crying and now she felt numb. She didn't want to go back to her apartment, she couldn't step in the living room without hearing Shane's words echo back to her. Unmistakable, hurtful and untrue words.

  Her room didn't have much in it since she'd taken most of it with her when she had moved out. But it still felt like home. Same bed, same dresser, a few boxes filled with childhood memories stacked in the closet.

  She checked the lock on the window before lying down. She didn't know why she made sure it was unlatched. Habit, she supposed. Humans are silly creatures that go through familiar motions when they are hurting, anything to bring them comfort.

  So when she heard the sound of the window sliding up and someone climbing through, she was oddly comforted. Most people would have panicked, started screaming, freaking out, something. But Lucy had always had a peculiar connection with Blake. She knew when he was near.

  She listened to him settle on the window sill, his heavy boots thudding lightly on the hardwood floor, the muffled sound of his arms crossing, preparing to wait.

  A heavy breath escaped her silently as she stared up at the ceiling. Hesitating only long enough to take one more breath, she swung her legs out of the blanket, resting her bare feet on the floor. Her dark hair swung down onto her shoulders, sliding in tangled waves over her skin. For a moment, their eyes connected in the darkened room; he was silhouetted by the moonlight and she felt like she was sixteen again. As if all the ugly things that had happened since the night he left town were just a bad dream, and he was here to wake her up from it.