In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  “I like that idea,” Mike nodded his approval. He was sitting on the top of a chair, feet on the seat, hands clasped in front of him. “She's got good presence and staying power. It's time to see if she can hold a longer set.”

  “That's what I was thinking,” Harrison agreed next to him. His usual sweetheart disposition had given way to a more business-like attitude, and Lucy could see how this band had survived so long and maintained their success. This is how they made decisions. It was a group discussion and they took it seriously. But she didn't want to do what they were suggesting. Maybe a week ago, sure, she would have considered it. But not today.

  “I don't want to,” was all she got out. She wanted to say more, but her words weren't working. She felt Blake look down at her.

  Luke scrutinized her from his leadership position. Arms crossed over his chest, legs braced wide. Total power stance. If a stranger walked into the room at that moment, they would easily be able to pick out who was in charge.

  “That's the best option.” He finally nodded, ignoring what she had said.

  “What? No.” She looked to Lenny for help, but Lenny looked surprised by her reaction. Her eyes drifted to each person in the room, and they were all frowning at her.

  She felt her heart start to pound heavy and loud in her ears as she realized they all agreed with Luke. They expected her to play a longer set with songs that weren't hers while running on two hours of sleep and a broken heart.

  Blake's fingers curled around her upper arm and she looked up into his eyes. They were sea foam green today. He gently prompted her to go through the door to her side as he said over his shoulder, “Don't make any decisions yet.”

  They entered the hall, he released her arm and she fought back the urge to keep walking away. He pulled the door closed behind him and looked at her softly.

  “Don't try to talk me into it, Blake,” she warned him, trying to look menacing when all she wanted to do was cry.

  “I'm not, I'm really not. If you don't want to, they can't make you.” He looked patiently into her face, “But I think it might be good for you.”

  “I'm too sad, Blake,” she pleaded with him, feeling her voice crack as she said it.

  “That's what I mean.” He slipped his hand under the heavy fall of her hair and ran his thumb under her jaw. “Use it to work through the sadness. Do a whole set of Jewel covers for all I care.”

  She pressed her cheek into his palm, wanting to stay in that spot for a lot longer than she was going to be allowed.

  “I think the longer set would be good to help you work things out. After your mom died, you sang all the time. Remember what you told me?”

  She swallowed and nodded her head, “That it made my heart feel less heavy.”

  His other hand cupped the other side of her face, tipping her head back to look at him. “Your own words.”

  She sighed and closed her eyes. “Okay.”

  He pressed his lips to her forehead then pulled her in for a tight hug. “This is gonna do you some good.”

  She clutched him, not wanting him to ever let go. “Promise?” she asked against his chest.

  “I promise.”

  ***

  Blake had been dead-on accurate. Lucy felt amazing after the show. She did her usual five songs, but added in a few Tom Petty covers, some of Taylor's regular songs and a couple more of her originals. Adding Chad and Stuart to her songs changed the sound and excited her.

  And the crowd loved it. She couldn't believe the warm reception she received when she was finished. She came off the stage and Kendra dragged her over to the merchandise booth where people were waiting to get her autograph and picture.

  “They loved you, Lucy. Seriously, loved you!” Kendra was gushing while at the same time taking notes on her clipboard. She would make an excellent PR rep in her future if she chose to do that, Lucy noted as she watched the girl work.

  The fans were sweet and shy, asking for autographs and pictures. Lucy hadn't experienced this side of the shows yet, and it wasn't as overwhelming as she had feared. Kendra kept things moving swiftly and smoothly, fielding questions about Lucy's future album possibilities and where she had come from.

  Lucy was hustled onto the bus right after the DBS set and they took off for the next venue almost immediately. She didn't get a chance to see Blake after the show, but she figured they could talk about tonight's events when they parked. It was a little weird to suddenly be away from him after spending the past several days with him by her side.

  She was so exhausted that she fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. All the stress from her dad's hospitalization, the break-up with Shane, no rest before the show, and the new format of the show itself had caught up with her. Her final thought was a sad one, though. She clutched her cellphone as her eyes fluttered closed, hoping against hope that Shane might call.

  ***

  Shane hadn't slept since he'd walked out on Lucy. He'd spent every night at the office, not wanting to go home. Work was his focus as he tried to stay busy and keep from calling her.

  His office was designed to be aesthetically pleasing. Soft, comfortable couches and chairs. His employees worked at tables instead of desks. Plants, framed art and unusual sculptures decorated the perimeter. The East Coast office had a more modern flair to it, whereas the West Coast office looked like a surf shop on steroids. But he liked both places. They were both sides of who he was, and they both showcased those sides well.

  But in the dark pre-dawn hours, it was cold. And empty. The colors were bland and even with most of the lights off, the bright white walls were far too brilliant. He looked over an order form on the table in front of him, trying to concentrate again.

  His life had become shades of gray. All the color had been sucked out by his actions two days ago. The New York skyline was a lovely steel backdrop to his dark thoughts. Maybe he should go home to Cali for a while, try to sort this thing out.

  It really came as no surprise to him when the elevator dinged and opened at six in the morning, and Blake stood before him, looking pissed.

  “Hey, Diedrich. You here to kick my ass?” Shane stood and moved to the coffee maker. “You want some coffee first, or do you just want to get straight to the fighting?”

  “What the hell were you thinking? I told you what would happen if you made her cry.” Blake's threatening growl came across the room.

  “So, no coffee then?” Shane clarified dryly. He poured himself a cup and turned to face the angry rocker. He must have looked like crap because Blake's expression morphed into a grimace.

  Shane took a long drink of the hot coffee, waiting for Blake to make the first move. When that didn't happen, he spread his arms out to the sides and shrugged. “C'mon, bro. Put me out of my misery. End me. Like you promised.”

  “What are you doing?” Blake frowned, stepping closer and peering at his face. “You look like shit.”

  “Sounds about right,” Shane said as he slumped into a nearby chair.

  Blake crossed the room slowly, approaching him with caution. “What happened, dude, why did you break up with Lucy?”

  Shane stared into the cup of coffee for a beat and then set it on the table next to him. He rubbed both hands over his unshaven face and ran them back through his unwashed hair.

  “I could have stayed with her forever.” His chest hurt with his declaration and Blake took a careful seat across from him, his face becoming concerned.

  “And, you know, I believe she would have stayed with me too.” Shane shook his head at the nightmare he was in. “She would have loved me to the best of her ability and she would have been devoted and true and I would never have had to worry.” He wished what he said next wasn't true. But it was.

  “But she would never have loved me the way I love her.” He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees and pointing at Blake. “Never the way she loves you.”

  Blake narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “What are you talking about? She told you
this?”

  “No, I saw it. Everyone can see it. When you two are together, the whole world falls away. You have this bond that no one can penetrate or even attempt to make sense of. She's yours and you're hers.” Shane leaned back again, actually thankful he had someone he could tell all of this to. It sounded crazy playing on repeat in his head, over and over. But now that he could say it aloud, he felt... absolved. “I could have ignored it. I could have taken her far away from you, and I would have done everything in my power to make her forget you. But I love her too much to be that selfish. She comes alive when she's with you. It's like nothing I've ever seen. And I want that. I want that for her... and I want that for me.”

  Shane stared off into the distance, letting his head go over those final moments again. When he had made her cry and lied to her.

  “Why did you tell her the things you did?” Blake's voice was low.

  “Because I had to make it impossible for me to take back,” he said honestly.

  After several minutes of silence, Blake stood up and stared down at him.

  “You ready to kick my ass now?” Shane asked hopefully. A couple of punches to the gut might make him feel better. He was willing to try anything. And God knew he deserved it. But Blake wasn't going to offer him a release.

  “You're a good man, Brookings.” Blake left it at that and walked towards the elevator.

  “Diedrich,” Shane called out before he left. “Don't screw it up.”

  Blake chuckled as he entered the lift. “You have my word.”

  Good.

  Then it was worth it.

  Chapter 22

  Near You Always

  Kendra ended the call with a whimsical smile and pushed her heavy bangs off her forehead. Four down, one to go.

  She had gotten a promotion of sorts over the past couple of days. Lucy's emotional upheaval and family crisis helped put things into perspective for her, and she was done feeling iffy about this job. She decided she loved it. She loved the fast pace, the people, and the background commotion. It wasn't professional ballet, but she was done feeling like her dream had been robbed from her. She could succeed at something else. Why not this?

  In a moment of bold ambition, she had approached Luke and asked about a permanent place with the label. Specifically, as Lucy's manager. She knew that Lucy hadn't signed any contracts yet but she figured it was just a matter of time, and she wanted to be prepared when that time came. Luke had taken a few days before getting back to her. Probably discussing it with the rest of the band; they didn't make decisions without a vote. But he returned with an offer: Kendra could stay, non-contingent on Lucy's future career.

  She could almost pinpoint the moment she had decided this was what she wanted. It was when she'd climbed into that bus and seen Lucy immobile and catatonic. All of her reservations about the woman had vanished. She was a person. She was a very talented person who was incredibly important to Blake. Therefore, she was important to Kendra. And it all clicked. She saw what the others saw, but more than that, she saw what she could do to further Lucy's career while not letting her get sucked dry by the industry itself.

  Karen Diedrich, Blake's mom, had taken her aside and given her more advice and life lessons in one sitting than Kendra had ever received in her whole life. She explained everything: Lucy's heritage, her family life, her past with Blake, and her current stasis of indecision. If Lucy wanted it, she could rise past even her dad's fame, her talent was that undeniable. And Kendra wanted to be the person she trusted to help get her there.

  Sure, she didn't have Lenny's attitude or Carl's experience. But she was detail-oriented, hard-working and when she had a passion, she went all in. Limping away from ballet had left her feeling lost. She was suddenly found.

  “What has got you looking so secretive?” Mike asked as he changed his shirt before sound check.

  “Getting some things in place,” she replied noncommittally.

  “How long before you need to hire your own assistant?” he asked with a grin.

  “With as busy as you guys keep me, probably by the end of the week,” she replied with a chuckle.

  “Well, I don't know if you've heard, but this tour will be the last one for a bit.”

  Kendra's mouth went dry. Mike shook his head and crouched down in front of her so they were at eye level.

  “Don't go looking like that. We're getting tired. We need a break sometimes. This tour has been nonstop, and Lenny has had to be gone a lot for business. I know she wants to get back to competing, and Luke wants to go with her. A break makes sense. It doesn't mean we're breaking up.”

  His words were meant to be reassuring, but Kendra still had a niggling worry in her gut.

  He patted her knee lightly and smiled again. “The band is solid. We need time to work on our individual projects.”

  “What projects?”

  He gave her a wry smile. “Spoilers.”

  With that he stood and exited the bus, no more explanation. Kendra couldn't help but smile. These guys were great at keeping her on her toes. She would definitely need to hire help. You know, if Carl said it was okay.

  ***

  Mike saw Blake standing off to the side of the stage, eyes on Lucy, hands half in his pockets, jaw tense. They'd been sticking Lucy out front and center every show until Taylor's voice recovered. Mike knew that Blake was ultimately the one who had talked her into it, but it was obvious that he wasn't completely comfortable with it.

  “Hey, brother,” Mike said as he came up next to him, and Blake grunted a response. Lucy was doing great. The emotional energy she poured into these shows only intensified her already powerful magnetism. “You're worried about her,” he stated, crossing his arms over his chest but keeping his focus straight ahead.

  Blake looked sideways at him briefly before facing forward again. “Yeah.”

  “Her dad is okay, right?” Mike asked, giving a light smile as Lucy spotted them both watching and grinned.

  “Yeah,” Blake confirmed.

  “You're usually not so chatty, Blake,” Mike chided quietly.

  Blake sniffed back a chuckle. Another long pause. “Shane dumped her.”

  Oh, shit. Mike pressed his lips together to keep from saying it aloud. That explained a lot.

  “I'm just keeping an eye on her is all,” Blake added gruffly.

  “Obviously,” Mike agreed. “You done playing games?” This was a tricky question. Everyone knew Blake's devotion to Lucy. They'd known it for years. Even in the midst of their wildest days when they each went through chicks at the same rate as they went through cases of beer, Blake was a commit-to-one-woman guy. And he had a type. Dark hair and eyes, full lips, short stature. But each girl only lasted a week or so, and then he'd be single again for a long time. Months, even. They'd tried talking to him about either going back to get the girl that he was clearly not over, or trying something new entirely. It was usually met with steely glares, weeks of the cold shoulder and Blake lying in his bunk with a bottle of whiskey. So Mike's question had the potential to really piss him off.

  Blake rubbed his chin and jaw with his hand, letting out a heavy sigh. “Yeah.”

  Mike thought maybe he misheard. He waited a bit longer in case Blake had more to add. He did.

  “But I'm not messin' it up this time.”

  ***

  Lucy handed her guitar to a tech and crossed the stage towards Blake and Mike. Sound check was solid, she was really looking forward to that night's show. At first, she'd thought the larger set would be exhausting for her, but it wasn't. And she was actually ready for more when it was all said and done.

  Blake's face was tense but smoothed out as she approached.

  “What did you think of the new line-up for tonight?”

  “Loved it,” he answered without hesitation, a wide smile breaking across his face.

  “I have to go over a couple things with Chad, but I'll be back before sound check is over.” She saw the look of doubt cross his face and he reac
hed for her, curling his fingers around her upper arm.

  “You okay?” Blake asked quietly. She saw Mike watching them intently from the corner of her eye. She tried not to fidget nervously, so she sucked in her bottom lip and bit down.

  “Mhm,” she tried to nod her head, her eyes darting over Blake's shoulders and the front of his chest but not looking right at him. He noticed.

  “Hey,” he squeezed her arm gently and her eyes finally came up to his, “I'm right here.”

  She took a careful breath, the anxiety leaving as quickly as it had come upon her. She swallowed and gave him a small smile. “I know.”

  “Okay.” He released her arm but not her eyes. “I got a hold of a movie for us to watch tonight.”

  Her smile grew crooked as he waited to tell her what it was. The coy twist of his mouth told her before his words did.

  “Rebel Without a Cause.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” She rolled her eyes. She began to step past them as the stage crew set up for the next sound check.

  “I'll see you back here soon?” he called to her back, and she waved over her shoulder in acknowledgment as she jogged down the steps.

  Her first night back on tour had been the last night she had spent alone. Granted, it had only been three days, but it meant something to her. She had woken up that first morning, totally alone and in the middle of a full-fledged panic attack. It was worse than the one she'd had in L.A., and it took her several minutes to calm down. Chad heard her whimpered breaths and came to check on her, which led to him notifying Kendra.

  Kendra had been amazing, though. She'd crawled into the bunk with Lucy, closed the curtain and held her. Lucy didn't want it to become a big deal, so she asked Kendra not to tell anyone. Kendra immediately told Blake. And since then, Blake had transferred buses, keeping Lucy with him in the back lounge while they ate chips and watched movies at night.

  Lucy would like to be able to say it was annoying to have to be babysat, but it wasn't. She was still weirdly shaken up from Shane's break-up. And, unfortunately, she couldn't stop thinking about it. It was on her mind all the time. What was wrong with her that the men she loved never loved her back? She was obviously flawed in a major way. Her self-examination would start her on the short road to panic town, and she would become completely useless.