In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  It was frustrating because she'd prided herself on the fact that she felt what she felt when she felt it so that it didn't overtake her later. She embraced her emotions and never let them control her. Until now. It was like, the more she thought about what Shane had said, the more self-destructive her feelings became. Especially when she was alone.

  Somehow Blake knew.

  The only two places where she actually felt like her emotions were getting worked through were on stage, and when she would look at Blake. Something about his steady gaze made her feel steady too. If she got nervous, all it took was one look at his face, and she felt like she was home again.

  But she refused to dwell on that fact because she had no idea where it would lead. He was her friend. Her oldest and closest friend. They shared a history. Most of it very, very good. Yes, they had hurt each other too. But they were grown-ups now and while their tumultuous relationship had its share of rocky spots, they always came back to the core of who they were. No one knew her better. And right now, that's all she needed to get past the ache in her chest.

  ***

  The movie rolled credits, but Lucy had fallen asleep even before Sam Mineo tried to hide in the Observatory. Blake tucked her close to his body and pulled a blanket over them. The couch in the back lounge was wide, accommodating both of them nicely, but he still pressed tight to her. With one arm under her, he pulled until she was half on his chest. He held her there by her hip with the other arm. She nestled her face into the space by his neck, under his chin and above his chest. And then she sighed.

  “Mmm.”

  It wasn't much. But it was enough. Blake closed his eyes, letting the sway of the bus and the smell of her hair lull him to sleep.

  ***

  Word traveled. Not as quickly as in high school, but it still got around. Lucy couldn't be sure who told, but by now everyone was aware that Shane had broken up with her.

  They'd been back to work for two weeks before anyone said anything to her. The first person was Sam, head of security.

  “Sorry about the dude, Luce. Tough break,” was all he said in passing. She didn't have a reaction except to nod. A few more crew members gave her looks of condolence while a couple of them asked if she was up for rebounding with them. She politely declined.

  Then Lenny showed up on the red bus with mochas in hand.

  “I was in New York yesterday. Just got back this morning. How ya doin'?” Lenny tilted her head to the side like people do when they're feeling sorry for someone else.

  Lucy took the mocha gratefully and immediately licked the whip off the top and shrugged. “I'm all right. It sucks. But what can you do, right?” She forced a chuckle and then spilled the whole story. Everything that Shane had said and how he'd taken off.

  She didn't miss the look of confusion passing over Lenny's face. Lucy leaned forward suddenly and asked, “Wait, did you see him yesterday?”

  Lenny gave a slow nod and reached for her coffee.

  “Did you talk to him?”

  Lenny took a careful sip and then looked out the window of the bus. Finally she looked back to Lucy. “We talked a little.” She pursed her lips and paused. Lucy's stomach turned to lead.

  “Is there someone else?” she asked softly.

  Lenny's lips parted and she shook her head quickly. “No, there's not someone else.”

  Lucy sat back in her chair. Lenny was holding something back, but she didn't know what. “Did he tell you anything?”

  Lenny did the look-out-the-window thing again before answering. But instead of lying like Lucy expected, she asked, “Do you want the truth?”

  “I always want the truth,” Lucy whispered, unable to move.

  Lenny chewed on the inside of her cheek for a bit before answering. “He's a mess, Lucy. He really misses you.”

  Lucy felt the tears well up and she was powerless to stop the flow. In a matter of seconds she was crying. Hard. If Lenny had said anything else, she doubted her reaction would have been this extreme. Her head sank into her hands as she tried to pull in breath and stop the force of the sobs that were shaking her shoulders.

  Lenny must have come around the table they were sitting at because now her arms were wrapped around her. “Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea that would happen.”

  “I don't understand!” Lucy gasped between sobs. Her crying was ugly. The ugliest it'd ever been. “What did I do wrong?”

  Then Lenny was gone and her arms were replaced with bigger and stronger arms. She fell into Blake's chest and continued to heave out her pain.

  ***

  “What the hell, Lenny!” Blake snapped as he smoothed Lucy's hair back and pressed her head to his chest.

  “I'm sorry. I didn't know.” Lenny looked as confused as she sounded, and Blake narrowed his eyes at her.

  “What did you say?” he asked tersely.

  “She asked if I had talked to Shane.” She paused as Blake clenched his jaw. “I said that he misses her.”

  “For cryin' out loud, Lenny!” Blake bit out. “Not everyone keeps their shit in control like you. Try being a little more sensitive next time!”

  “I'm sorry,” Lenny repeated, taking a careful step back. “I had no idea.”

  “No,” Lucy pushed away from Blake and tried to wipe her face off. “No, it's not her fault. This is just me. This is what I do.” Her splotchy, red face tried to put on a brave smile. “I overreact and I cause drama wherever I go.”

  “Ah, geez.” Blake tried to pull her back into his embrace, but she stiff-armed him.

  “Just give me a minute, will ya?” She pushed away and crawled over the back of the booth and practically sprinted to the back lounge, slamming the door behind her.

  Blake focused on Lenny. She raised her hands in front of herself, waving a time-out.

  “What's going on, Blake? This doesn't make sense with what I saw in New York. I thought she broke up with him.”

  Blake growled under his breath and clenched his jaw tightly. “Is that what he told you?”

  “No, he wouldn't talk about it. But he was not himself. He couldn't focus, was completely distracted and God knows when he showered last.” Lenny slid back into her seat in the booth.

  Blake closed his eyes and breathed out slowly. “Shane...” he began, but he didn't know how much to reveal. He planned on telling Lucy the truth about the break-up after she had healed. She was too fragile right now and he had no idea how she'd respond to that kind of information. He dropped his voice so Lucy wouldn't overhear. “He ended it. That's all I'm willing to share right now.”

  Lenny met his gaze and a flicker of understanding passed though her eyes. “Were you the reason?”

  “Indirectly, yes.” Blake didn't want Lenny thinking he'd threatened Shane. Well, he had, but in the opposite direction.

  Lenny sat back, her blue eyes trying to read his face. “How long until...?”

  “We're done here.” Blake rapped on the table with his knuckles and stood up. He liked Lenny, he really did. She was practically his sister. But this wasn't her business. He wasn't going to start telling anyone about his long-term plans until the girl that was in them was in them.

  “Okay.” Lenny sucked in a breath and stood as well. “Let me know if I can do anything.” She moved to the door, coffee in hand. Pausing, like she had one more thing to say, but she must have changed her mind because then she opened the door and left.

  Blake rested his hands on his hips and grimaced as he looked towards the back of the bus. So much for thinking she was getting better. He stalked to the closed door and tapped on it before letting himself in.

  Sitting on the edge of the couch, calmed down, tissues in her hand, she looked up at him with red eyes.

  “Why are you coddling me?”

  ***

  Blake's eyebrows raised at her question and his mouth opened and then closed when no words came out. One hand went behind his neck and rubbed it as he looked at the floor. Classic avoidance tactic.

&nbs
p; She was fine with that. She could wait.

  He finally looked back to her and sighed in aggravation. “Why would you even ask that question?”

  “Because you are. And it took me until this moment to realize that I'm letting you.” His eyes went steely and it actually made her feel better. He'd been looking at her with so much pity and concern lately that she was starting to feel helpless.

  “You're hurt. I'm trying to protect you.” His voice was tense. She liked that, too.

  “I'm hurt, yes,” she agreed. “But I'm not broken.”

  “What do you call what happened in there just a minute ago?” He waved one arm towards the front of the bus and put his other hand on his hip. The lines around his mouth went hard and his eyebrows pulled down.

  “Yeah, Blake. I had a small breakdown.” She spoke evenly and stayed calm. “Women do that. Especially when they're sad.”

  “I don't think you should have to be sad.” He actually barked. It made her smile and he looked at her in confused disgust. “I don't get women. Y'all are crazy.” He ran a hand through his hair, leaving it sticking straight up.

  “You have to stop treating me like I'm fragile. I'm not. I'm gonna get through this. I was just a little caught off guard in there.” His eyes went wide and he started to interrupt, but she held up her hand and continued, “and that's going to happen. This isn't my first broken heart, Blake.”

  Her words stung him, she knew, but it had to be said.

  “So, no more staying on the bus with me.” She swallowed, knowing this is where he would probably really lose his shit. She was right.

  “Like hell! I'm not leaving you here to have a panic attack with no one here for you.” His jaw was ticking out of control now.

  “I really appreciate all you've done for me.” She tried to convey her sincerity with her eyes but he was shaking his head, hands on hips, looking at the floor. “But I need to figure it out from here on out. Stop treating me like a delicate flower and let me be Triny Newton's daughter. I got this.”

  His head jerked up and he scowled at her. “If you think I'm just gonna sit back and watch as you fall apart—”

  “Crying is not a sign of the end, Blake,” she broke in sharply. “Women cry because it's how we deal. It's cleansing. It's a release. And I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it helps me rebuild.”

  He stared at her for a handful of heartbeats and then his hands flew out to the side, dropped and hit his thighs. “I don't like that.”

  He was totally throwing a man-fit and she bit her bottom lip to keep from smiling. “I know.”

  He let out an exasperated laugh and then sat next to her on the couch. He turned to her, jaw ticking, and she couldn't resist reaching up to touch it. His frown melted instantly and his emerald eyes focused on her. “I want to be the one to help you through this.”

  “You already have. The rest is up to me. I have to finish by myself, otherwise I risk leaving ghosts around to haunt whatever relationship comes next.”

  He swallowed and licked his bottom lip. “You think you'll be able to move on?”

  “Some day.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “A couple of weeks ago, I would have said no. But I'm too hopeful for my own good.”

  He considered her words and finally relented. “We're still friends?”

  “Always.”

  Exhaling another heavy sigh, he nodded and looked to his boots. “Good.”

  ***

  When Blake said he didn't like it, that was an understatement. He hated it. But she was right. He had been dangerously close to being the rebound guy. Friend guy had more of a shot than rebound guy.

  He also hated how tough she was. Well, that was more of a love/hate. He only hated it when it made him feel helpless. Otherwise, it was pretty inspiring.

  It had been three days since that conversation. She looked tired, but she was pushing through. Chad said she had cried last night and Blake wanted to bust something. His hands were tied.

  “Hey, man,” Greg greeted him as he entered the sound booth for Lucy's sound check.

  “Hey,” Blake grunted as he settled into a folding chair. He'd taken several steps back but he hadn't disappeared. He no longer stood at the edge of the stage whenever she was on it, he'd moved to the booth.

  “Hello, sunshine,” Lucy announced as she dropped her head over the edge of the wall and handed Greg her set list. She spied Blake and flashed him a grin.

  “This is a bunch of new stuff, Newton,” Greg remarked, and Blake looked over his shoulder.

  “Taylor's voice is almost back. He should be able to take over by the next show. This is sort of my farewell set.” Her smile was bright, but there was a hint of sadness still in those dark eyes.

  “You're gonna miss it, aren't you?” Greg teased.

  “I might,” she shrugged ambiguously, “but it wasn't my gig to begin with.”

  “You've done a really great job,” Blake spoke up finally, and her eyes settled on him. They roved over his face and her mouth opened slightly, but then she closed it again. “Have you thought any more about Luke's offer?”

  She looked down to Greg, who was obviously listening while still working, then back to Blake. “Still thinking,” she said, pressing her lips together. There it was again. Something she wanted to say but wasn't sure about yet. Sucking in a quick breath, she blurted, “I have a new song I was wondering if you'd take a look at.”

  “I have some time now,” he answered without hesitation. He didn't have to think about it. If Lucy was offering any kind of one-on-one time, he was taking it. He did not care if it made him look desperate, which it probably did because he saw Greg's shoulders shake with his repressed laughter.

  A lopsided smile pulled on her lips and she indicated with her head for him to follow her. He left the booth swiftly and fell in step beside her. They didn't go far; she picked up her guitar from the stand on the stage, then settled onto the edge, dangling her legs over the side. He joined her, taking the folded piece of paper she handed him that she had procured from the back pocket of her jeans.

  They hadn't written together since before she'd left for California with Shane, and it was one of the things he'd missed the most. The crazy, beautiful, complicated thoughts that she could twist into a simple lyric never failed to leave him mesmerized.

  “Music has kind of always been our thing, huh?” She'd read his thoughts again. The only woman alive who could do that. Maybe someday he would tell her.

  “It's in our blood,” he said instead.

  She smiled with a faraway look on her face. Settling the guitar across her lap she paused, sucking both lips into her mouth as she steadied her breathing.

  The song that escaped her lips and spilled out on the guitar strings was enchanting. It was, quite possibly, the saddest thing Blake had ever heard. And that amount of sorrow pouring out of a mouth he adored made his heart twist in his chest. It wasn't about Shane, it wasn't about losing love, it wasn't about her broken heart. And yet it was. It was about her hope. All of that hope she had inside, resilient to the fires of life. Undying and constantly keeping her moving forward. It was beautiful.

  She finished the song and they both sat in silence for several minutes. He wanted to say so much, but the words that came to mind didn't seem like nearly enough.

  “I think that if I were to sign with the label...” she started quietly, speaking carefully, “I would want that on my first album.”

  “I agree,” Blake answered softly. This felt like one of those moments where something big was happening and he didn't want to miss it by saying too much.

  She looked at him then. “What did you think?”

  “It was perfect,” he replied seriously.

  The doubt faded slightly from her eyes and she smiled shyly. And he saw it. She was healing. Slowly. But it was something.

  ***

  Lucy closed herself into the back lounge after everyone had gone to bed. She had already talked to her daddy and she told everyon
e that she was going to sleep too. But sleeping was still difficult. She missed how it felt to fall asleep with Blake. She missed Shane's phone calls and his ability to soothe her from hundreds of miles away. She missed that the only thing she had had to worry about was remembering to play the right songs in the right order. Life was complicated again. But that was how it went, she supposed.

  Taylor's voice was back, so she'd been downgraded to her five-song opener and she was relieved. The longer set had been a great way for her to expel some of her emotional energy, but she was ready to take a step back again.

  She turned the TV on, deciding that watching Russell Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma was the best therapy for nursing her broken heart. Basically anything with Russell Crowe would do.

  Blake wanted to be with her. She knew it. Felt it in her insides. The way he looked at her, spoke to her. But she couldn't be sure if he wanted her, or if he just wanted her not to be sad. She wasn't willing to risk either of them in that way anymore. The distance she'd insisted on was working. She was feeling more like herself and more in control of her reactions to certain triggers.

  Maybe, after the tour, when they went their separate ways, they could remain friends this time.

  Chapter 23

  Tonight

  The last month of the tour wrapped up nicely. The final show was scheduled for Boston and it was sure to be a spectacle. The guys planned to pull out all the stops for their hometown performance.

  Taylor's voice had returned and he'd taken back his opening slot, but the impact had been made. Lucy had been noticed. First by the fans, then by the radio. Members of the media were calling daily to try to get an exclusive of some kind, but Lucy wouldn't commit to anything. She didn't have an agent and she wasn't sure if she wanted one. Kendra was doing her damnedest to get her to change her mind.