Deep Green: Color Me Jealous with Bonus Content

by Melody Carlson

  “Because she was threatened,” offered Edgar.

  “Yeah, sure.” I acted like I was bored, even though I was really listening.

  “You’re a cool girl, Jordan,” said Edgar. “Shawna believed you had what it took to steal her guy, and she wanted to make sure that you didn’t.”

  “She probably wanted you totally out of commission,” added Kara.

  “She figured if she destroyed your reputation, got you in trouble with cheerleading, and ruined your strongest friendship with Ashley Crow, she might actually have the upper hand.”

  “And the nearly fatal car wreck was just the icing on the cake,” I added.

  “Exactly.”

  “Almost as if God was on her side?” I suggested.

  “Oh, I don’t think so,” said Edgar.

  “Why not?” I demanded. “Look at her. She’s still got Timothy, she’s still cheerleading, and she has friends. She’s on top, and I’m not. If anything, I’m buried beneath a great big pile of—”

  “Only temporarily,” said Edgar.

  “Huh?”

  “You’re down now, Jordan, but only for a while. I think God is giving you a chance to really look at your life and decide just how you want to live it.”

  “That’s right,” said Kara. “You can keep on living it for yourself or invite God to take over.”

  “Take over?”

  “It’s not like he takes control of you,” said Edgar. “You still have to make the choices. He’ll just help you make better ones.”

  “He has a plan for your life,” Kara added.

  I shook my head. “Here we go again. The Peebles and Hendricks Evangelism Hour.”

  Kara winked at Edgar. “I kind of like the sound of that, don’t you?”

  He grinned. “Maybe we should take it on the road.”

  “Yeah, we could set up a tent and—”

  “Come on, you guys,” I said.

  “Sorry.” Kara returned her attention to me. “I just don’t see why, especially after all this, you’re not even interested in giving God a try.”

  I sat there in silence for a long moment, considering whether or not to tell them, but finally I couldn’t help myself.

  “I did give God a try!” I shouted. “And he let me down.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Edgar.

  “Look, I was really feeling bad that night—after Shawna set me up—and I was driving home on that ice and actually cried out to God. I begged him to help me!”

  “And?”

  “And I got in that stupid wreck, totaled my car, and am stuck here in bed with this broken ankle.”

  “So you think that’s God’s fault?” asked Edgar.

  “I’m not sure what I think.”

  “Do you think God wanted you to go meet Timothy that night?” asked Kara.

  I considered this. “Probably not.”

  “What actually caused the wreck, Jordan?” asked Edgar.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Was it another car? Or what?”

  Suddenly I remembered the one little detail I hadn’t told anyone yet—not even my parents. “I guess it was me.”

  “But it was icy,” said Kara as if to defend me.

  “Yeah. It was icy. But I was so furious about the Shawna setup that when I was crying out to God, asking him to be my Little Cat Z, well, I just slammed my fist into the steering wheel.” I looked up at them with what I’m sure must’ve been a pretty sheepish expression.

  Edgar just nodded. “I can understand how you would’ve been that frustrated after everything that happened to you, Jordan.”

  “Really?” I felt just slightly hopeful.

  “So, in a way, you probably had more to do with causing that accident than God,” suggested Kara.

  “I guess.”

  “Can I ask you a question?” Kara looked slightly confused.

  “Sure.”

  “What is Little Cat Z?”

  “Didn’t you ever read Dr. Seuss?” I asked her.

  “The Cat in the Hat!” said Edgar suddenly. “It was even a movie, Kara. Didn’t you see it?”

  “You mean that kids’ movie?” asked Kara.

  “Yeah, but it was pretty cool.”

  I nodded, feeling kind of silly for relating God to something created for children. “Little Cat Z is the one who finally comes in and cleans up the big mess,” I explained.

  “And you think God is going to be like Little Cat Z?” asked Edgar.

  “Maybe.”

  “Hmmm.” He seemed to be considering this.

  “I definitely think God can help you clean up this mess,” said Kara. “But you’ve got to do your part too. Anyway, that’s how it was with me.”

  “And with me too,” added Edgar.

  “I guess I kind of figured as much.”

  “So, you’ve really been giving God some thought?” asked Kara hopefully.

  I shrugged. “It’s kind of hard not to when you’re not sure whether you’re going to live or die. There were several moments, like when I was trapped in my car, and then in the ambulance, when I got really, really scared about what would happen to me if I did die. So, to be perfectly honest, I have been giving God some serious thought. But I was kind of mad at him too.”

  “Because you thought he’d let you down?” asked Edgar.

  “I guess so. I remembered crying out for help, but I suppose I sort of forgot about hitting the steering wheel.”

  “That’s usually how it goes,” said Edgar. “It’s easier to blame God than to face up to who we really are.”

  “Who we really are?” I echoed.

  “Sometimes it’s confusing, huh?” said Kara.

  “You’re telling me.” I leaned my head back on my pillows now. “Hey, you guys have been really cool and everything. And I’m sorry I’m such a grump. But I am getting kind of tired and my head is aching again—”

  “Hey, no problem,” said Edgar, standing quickly and pulling Kara to her feet. “We didn’t mean to wear you out with our Peebles and Hendricks road show.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, you guys. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

  Then Kara did something she’d never done before, and she and I had been best friends since kindergarten. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I love you, Jordan,” she said, “and I’ll be praying for you.”

  I nodded, but the lump growing in my throat made it impossible to answer.

  “Take it easy,” called Edgar.

  After they left, I felt hot tears streaming down both my cheeks. But these were not my usual tears of anger or frustration or even that deep green jealousy. These felt like tears of relief, like maybe there was hope for me after all.

  nineteen

  I MANAGED TO TALK MOM INTO LETTING ME STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL FOR a couple more days. “My head still aches,” I told her, which was true. “Besides, I can catch up on my homework and maybe get my grades back up there.”

  And I am trying to be true to my word about the homework, but I must admit that the soaps are somewhat distracting. I’ve developed this weird fascination for watching characters who seem more messed up than I am. Of course, I have to remind myself, they are just actors. This is my life.

  On Tuesday evening, Amber dropped by. She brought a bouquet of yellow roses, supposedly from the whole cheerleading squad, although I have my suspicions that not everyone contributed.

  “Now I heard something weird today, Jordan,” she told me as she sat down on my bed. Then looking around my room she said, “Man, your room is sure neat. Do you guys have a maid or something?”

  I smiled. “I’m sort of obsessive about it. A neat freak, you know.”

  “I wish I were a little more like that. Anyway, I heard this thing today, and I wanted to ask you, face-to-face, whether it was true or not.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Well, there’s a new rumor going around that Shawna actually set you up to get caught with Brett the night you got into th
at wreck. And some people are even saying that Shawna is the one who actually caused your wreck. Is any of this true?”

  “Some of it.”

  Amber leaned forward, her large brown eyes even bigger than usual. “What happened?”

  “First of all, the wreck wasn’t Shawna’s fault. Someone at the rumor mill must’ve gotten carried away.” But then I thought about this for a moment. “Although, in a way I suppose she is partially responsible. I mean, if she hadn’t set me up, I wouldn’t have been out driving in that crazy ice storm. But then again, it was my choice to go.”

  “Okay, but what about the rest of it? Did she really set you up?”

  So I told Amber the whole setup story, and she was totally stunned. “No way!” she said in amazement.

  “Way.” I nodded. “You can even check my email if you don’t believe me. I saved what was sent, supposedly from Timothy. Maybe he was even in cahoots with Shawna, but now I’m not so sure. She might’ve gotten his password without him knowing. But it definitely came from his email address. And until I realized it was all a stupid trick, I believed it was legit.”

  “Have you asked Timothy about this?”

  I shook my head. “What difference does it make now?”

  “I don’t know. But if it were me, I’d want to know.”

  “It’s all so humiliating.”

  “Yeah, I’ll bet. But if the real truth comes out and the stuff hits the fan, it’s Shawna who’s going to look cruddy, not you.”

  “Do you think?”

  “I know.”

  “I wish that were true. But in the meantime, it’s hard to want to show my face at school.”

  “When are you coming back?”

  “Maybe on Thursday, or even Friday if I’m lucky—although my mom’s starting to push me.”

  “Do you mind if I take a look at that email?” she asked. “Not that I don’t believe you, but I think we need to get this thing nailed.”

  So I climbed out of bed and hobbled over to my computer, opened it up, and showed her the email.

  “Wow, that is so weird. I knew Shawna wanted to hold on to Timothy, but I never knew how much trouble she’d go to.” Amber turned and looked at me. “By the way, are you sure she took your jeans that day?”

  “I really think so. And maybe my car keys too. But I can’t prove anything. She just had this look in her eyes.”

  “And that’s the day when you lost it in front of Ms. Brookes in the parking lot?”

  “Yeah. Thus my probation.” I looked down at the cast on my foot. “Like it matters now. I might as well quit the squad, Amber. Do you think it’s too late for the alternate to step in?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s not a decision we need to rush.”

  “I feel really bad that I’ve messed things up for the cheerleaders,” I said. “Well, other than Shawna, that is. But I hope you guys do okay at Flair Fair without me.”

  “It was tricky reworking the routines for just six girls at first, but it’s starting to work. I think we’ll be fine. Mostly, we’re going to miss your beautiful gymnastics and your lightweight little body at the top of the pyramid.”

  I tried to smile as I poked myself in the belly. “I don’t know about that. I think I’ve been stress-eating lately. I’ll probably weigh a hundred and fifty by the time I get out of this cast.”

  She laughed. “The chubby cheerleader. Maybe we can just roll you to the top of the pyramid!”

  I tried to laugh, but the mental image this conjured was enough to make me choke.

  Amber picked up her bag. “Well, maybe it’s good if you’re not coming back to school tomorrow.”

  “Why?”

  “Gives me time to sort a few things out.”

  My eyes grew wide now. “With Shawna?”

  She nodded. “It’s about time someone stood up to that chick.”

  I nodded. “Well, you’re probably the only one who can do it.”

  She frowned. “Yeah, me and Ms. Brookes.”

  “You’re going to bring Ms. Brookes into it?”

  She sighed. “I know it could really mess it up for us, especially at Flair Fair, since Shawna will probably be suspended too, but it’s the right thing to do.”

  It occurred to me then that I probably didn’t know Amber as well as I thought I did. “I never knew you were like that, Amber.”

  “Like what?”

  “That you would actually risk something for the cheerleading squad in order to do the right thing.”

  “Do I come across like I wouldn’t?”

  Now I felt sort of bad about how that came out. “Not exactly.”

  “Well, the truth is, I try to live my life in a way that honors God.”

  I blinked. “You’re kidding?”

  “What?” she demanded. “I know I have a big mouth and say some incredibly stupid things sometimes. But do I really come across as a complete heathen?”

  “Not at all, Amber. I just thought you were too cool to be a Christian.”

  She laughed. “Now, that’s a good one, Jordan. Too cool to be a Christian. Can’t wait to share that one with Pastor Don.”

  “That’s not exactly what I meant,” I tried again. “Maybe it’s that you never preach at anyone.”

  “Hmmm.” She rubbed her chin. “I guess it just never occurred to me to do that. Do you like being preached at?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Well, maybe I’m just a different kind of Christian. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I just want to try to live my life in a way that finally makes someone, maybe someone like you, stop and take notice and say to me, ‘Hey, Amber, girl, what you got going that I don’t got?’ You ever considered that?”

  I nodded. “Well, I noticed that you manage to avoid the petty stuff, the viciousness. You seem to have higher standards than the rest of us. I guess I just assumed that was because you were trying to set a good example since you’re captain and all.”

  “Well, that’s true enough. You guys have been something else this year. I’m sure glad I’m a senior. I’m getting way too old for this kind of nonsense.”

  “I’m sorry, Amber.”

  She smiled. “It’s okay. Besides, I think Shawna has more to do with this than you do. You just got caught in a bad spot.”

  “And I made some bad choices too.”

  She nodded. “Yeah, that’s true. But maybe you learned, eh?”

  “I hope so.”

  “Well, take care. And hopefully I’ll see you on Thursday or Friday.”

  “Thanks, Amber.”

  twenty

  I WASN’T ALL THAT SURPRISED WHEN KARA AND EDGAR CAME TO SEE ME on Wednesday.

  “I thought you’d be back in school today,” said Kara.

  “If I had my way, I’d never go back at all,” I snapped at her. I was feeling pretty grumpy. My mom had taken Leah to her piano lesson. I hadn’t even had a shower, my hair was nasty, and I basically felt like something green and fuzzy that you might find in the back of your refrigerator after being gone on vacation for a couple of weeks.

  “Sorry,” she said. “Do you want us to leave?”

  “No. I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”

  “That is so unlike you, Jordan. Or at least who you used to be. You were the one who was always pulling me up by my bootstraps. You were Little Merry Sunshine who always sang things like, ‘The sun’ll come out tomorrow.’”

  I groaned in real agony.

  “She would actually do that, for real,” Kara told Edgar.

  “Yeah, yeah, kick me when I’m down. Why not just get a club and break my other foot?”

  “Why are you so bummed?” asked Kara more gently.

  “Look at me!” I held out my arms as if to make my point. I was wearing a nasty old T-shirt, some baggy pajama bottoms, no makeup, and hair that looked like fettuccini Alfredo. “Why shouldn’t I be bummed?”

  “I’ve seen you looking better,” agreed Kara. “But who cares when you’re just slumming
around the house anyway?”

  “Yeah, that’s a great comfort coming from you. Your idea of fashion is to put on a clean pair of socks.”

  Kara frowned.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “It just feels like years since I had a shower, and my foot itches, and the mere suggestion of going to school tomorrow just totally freaks me.”

  “Want me to help you with a shower?” she offered.

  I was tempted, but then glanced over at Edgar. “Does he have to help too?”

  He laughed. “I’m not even going to respond to that. I’ll be downstairs if you ladies need me.”

  “Thanks.”

  So, Kara actually helped me to wrap my foot up in plastic and take a nice long shower. She patiently helped me shampoo and condition my hair and then even shaved my legs!

  “I think you got almost as wet as I did,” I said as I sat on the stool and toweled off.

  “Next time I’ll bring my swimsuit.”

  “Or just go in the buff,” I teased, although I know Kara’s one of those prim girls who doesn’t like undressing in front of anyone.

  Before long, I was dressed and we were back in my bedroom. “You want to invite Edgar back up?” I asked as I combed out my hair.

  “Do you really want him to come back up?” she asked. “I mean, he mostly just comes along to give me a ride. You don’t have to—”

  “I happen to like him, Kara,” I said in a voice that sounded like, “Duh!”

  “Well okay.” She smiled and then went out in the hallway and yelled for Edgar to come up.

  “Feeling better?” asked Edgar.

  “Yeah. Kara’s great in the shower.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  “So, how’s it going otherwise?” asked Edgar as he pulled up a chair.

  I just shrugged.

  “Have you given any more thought to the whole God thing?” asked Kara.

  “Did you know that Amber Elliot is a Christian?” I asked them. I was still slightly stunned by this news.

  “No,” said Kara. “I always thought she was kind of mouthy and rude.”

  “She’s definitely outspoken and sort of bossy,” I said. “But out of all the cheerleaders, she always seemed to have the highest standards, although I know she’s not perfect.”