Hugged By An Angel

by Capizzi, Roberta

  “Never mind,” she said, looking away and pushing herself off me. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back in place, wrapping her in my arms.

  “I was just teasing you, babe,” I said, nuzzling her neck and feeling her shiver in my arms. “But I’m afraid I don’t have any chocolate chip cookies. I can go out and buy you a packet, though—it’s not even ten, so I’m sure I can find a shop still open.”

  She shook her head, and her hair tickled my neck. “I just…it’s really silly, but I’ve sort of become addicted to chocolate chip cookies ever since we came back from New York. I’ve been eating one or two before going to bed every night over the last couple of months, but I didn’t think about buying some while we were in Dublin today.”

  I smiled, thinking this habit of hers was kinda cute. I’d make sure I stocked up on chocolate chip cookies once she was back in Dublin, just to be safe.

  “Anyway, I’m old enough to control my cravings, so don’t worry too much about it.”

  “It’s no big deal; I’ll go,” I said, sliding her back onto the mattress and taking her face in my hands. “I don’t want you to be having nightmares about giant chocolate chip cookies eating you alive.” I winked and she gave me one of her gorgeous smiles, which made the thought of having to get dressed and drive around in the city worth the effort.

  “Thanks,” she said, almost sheepishly, and it took all my willpower not to slump back down onto the bed and smother her with kisses.

  “Just don’t fall asleep while I’m away, okay? I’m not done with cuddles yet.”

  She nodded, still smiling and I slipped into my jeans and grabbed my denim jacket.

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Kathleen

  June 23, 2012

  I felt guilty sending Colin out on a quest for cookies but thought it was further proof of how true his feelings were. My ex-boyfriend wouldn’t have gone out to buy me a packet of cookies just because I wanted to eat them. It was insane, I knew it, and it was something my family made fun of. David had been saying I’d turn into a fat spinster if I kept eating cookies every night, but luckily my metabolism had worked just fine so far, so I never really put on weight because of my bad habit.

  I knew I had to start cutting down on junk food, though, but maybe Colin would help me keep in shape from now on. If I moved back to Dublin we could continue our therapy and he could suggest some exercises to help me burn calories. The thought of being so close to Colin gave me butterflies, and I smiled.

  But what if living so close to each other will cause our relationship to whither?

  The thought hit me unexpectedly like a punch in the gut, leaving me breathless. Sure, we’d lived close to each other twenty-four-seven for eight weeks, but when we were in New York we’d always clung to the small flicker of hope I might walk again and that we’d eventually have a normal life together as a couple. Now, things were final, and we both knew I’d spend the rest of my life in that wheelchair; would he still be willing to give up on all the fun parts just to look after his invalid girlfriend? And if things didn’t work between us, would I be able to cope? Would I be strong enough to live an independent life all by myself or would I just fall apart and have to go back to living with my parents again?

  The old feelings of dread and fear I’d repressed after the wonderful day I’d spent with Colin came crawling back into my mind, entwining my heart like poison ivy and making me feel lost. My heart thudded in my chest and beads of perspiration formed on my brow while cold shivers ran down my spine. I tried to take long deep breaths and kept repeating in my head that Colin loved me.

  Because he does love me. He’s proved it in so many ways. He won’t leave me. No, he won’t.

  I’d never had panic attacks in my life, but ever since Declan died I found myself gasping for air at the most unexpected times. I didn’t know whether these were real attacks or simple anxiety, but I knew I hated them.

  Keep breathing; keep breathing.

  The awful knot in my throat didn’t leave, the rock crushing my chest didn’t shift. Tears filled my eyes; God, this time it was really bad, worse than any other and, before I even realized, I’d called my brother’s name, knowing he was the only one who could help me right now. Tonight would be the first night in two months I wouldn’t fall asleep in his arms; I’d grown used to having him around, when I called in the middle of the night. I needed him more than ever right now.

  I closed my eyes as tears stained my cheeks and the salty taste on my lips reminded me of the day of the funeral, of the days I spent in hospital, of all the times I’d tasted my own heartbreak. Sometimes I still thought it would’ve been better if I’d died in that car crash. At least I’d be with my brother now, and I wouldn’t feel so miserable.

  I stifled a sob, and the curtain swished. Before I could say his name a feeling of warmth burnt my hand, and peace filled my soul. I opened my eyes and he was there, sitting on the bed, his hand covering mine.

  “I’m here, Kathy; don’t be afraid,” he whispered, and his voice sounded like a beautiful song to my ears. I nodded, smiling warmly at him and instantly felt better.

  “I’m not afraid if you’re with me,” I replied instinctively, and when I looked at him I noticed a frown crease his beautiful features.

  “Kathy, it wouldn’t have been better if you’d died in the accident. You weren’t meant to die, so stop wishing you had,” he scolded me and I flinched. I kept forgetting he could hear my thoughts; no wonder he was angry with me now.

  “Are you trying to tell me you were meant to die?”

  “They had other plans for me; my time on Earth was up. You and Colin were meant to meet and I’ve served as a means to make that happen.”

  My heart skipped a beat and blood boiled in my veins. Was he trying to tell me I’d lost him just so Colin and I could be together? How was that supposed to give me comfort? I looked at him, angry and betrayed, and his smile didn’t make me feel better this time.

  “Don’t be mad at me, sweetheart,” he said, and my cheeks turned red with anger. “I didn’t want to leave you but it wasn’t up to me to decide. It was just how things were meant to be. I’m okay with that now, and I want you to understand.”

  “How? How am I supposed to understand you had to die so I could meet a stranger? How is that supposed to make sense? I wanted to go to New York with you, I wanted to have you in my life! I could’ve lived without Colin, especially since I didn’t even know he existed,” I scoffed, trying not to sound like a spoilt child. “I can’t live without you; I don’t want to live without you! I’d give up on Colin any time if I could have you back.”

  “You can’t, Kathy. He’s part of your life and you’re part of his. Your paths were meant to cross sooner or later,” he said, calm, as if my stupid behavior wasn’t annoying him in the least. It made me even more cross.

  “Then I could have broken a leg or an arm, if all they wanted was for us to meet. Why did they have to take you away from me? Why?” I asked through gritted teeth, not even sure who the ‘they’ I was referring to were. All I knew was that somebody up there had intentionally killed my brother, as a part of a master plan I hadn’t known of until tonight.

  I wished I could fling my arms around his neck and let him hold me tight, the way he used to when I was a child. The realization I could never do that again burned in my stomach, making me feel sick.

  “Kathy, please, listen to me,” he whispered in a soft, smooth tone, and although I was mad at him, at everyone, I couldn’t help but obey. His voice was like a river song, like the sounds of spring, and it had a mesmerizing effect on me. “You’ve got to stop hurting now, Kathy. You’ve got to stop blaming the whole universe for what happened. You can’t take it back; nobody can. You won’t bring me back to life if you throw yours away.”

  I snorted and, for the first time since the accident, I saw him scowl at me, just like he used to do when he was alive. Then, as suddenly as it had appeared, the scowl was gone.

  “Al
l this had to happen because you both had to learn a lesson.”

  I knitted my brows, puzzled.

  “You had to learn you can’t do everything by yourself, that sometimes you need to ask for help.” He smiled, reminding me how stubborn I’d always been and how I’d always wanted to play the part of Wonder Woman before I ended up in a wheelchair. Now I needed everyone’s help for the most stupid little things. “And you had to learn to trust men after your heart got broken. If you and Colin met in a pub, you’d never have believed his love for you was true. But he’s showing you he loves you unconditionally, in spite of your condition; is there better proof of true love?”

  “What about Colin? What did he have to learn, then?” I asked, skeptically and he smiled at me, not at all bothered by my annoying childish behavior.

  “He had to learn to love.”

  I raised my eyebrows and stared into his blue eyes, feeling as if they could read inside my very soul. They were so deep I almost couldn’t blink, and I remembered something I used to say, many years ago: that I would only marry someone who had eyes as blue as my brother’s. Funny how the first thing I’d noticed when I met Colin were how his eyes reminded me of Declan’s.

  “He’s had quite a few girls before me, Declan; I don’t think he needs to learn that,” I said and he shook his head, the smile never leaving his face.

  “He’d built a wall around his heart and he’d never let anyone in. He’s never loved anyone; not a single girl he’s dated in the past has meant a thing to him. You’re the first one who got to his heart, who made him see what true love is. You’ve given him something he’d given up on long ago.”

  I still wasn’t totally convinced this was true or that he was right about Colin, so I shrugged and looked away, wondering what I should make of this conversation. I’d only wanted Declan to be with me tonight and help me get that awful rock off my chest; I hadn’t asked for my brother to analyze my relationship with Colin and give me more things to worry about.

  “Kathy, you two were meant to be. He’s going to fill the hole in your heart and you’re going to heal his wounds.”

  I frowned. He was starting to speak in riddles and I didn’t like it. It made me feel uneasy.

  “You’re not the only one who’s wounded, Kathy. I can help you get back on your feet, but you’ve got to stop pushing him away. You need him and he needs you. You were meant to meet, you were meant to fall for each other; it all happened for a reason.”

  I still couldn’t grasp the meaning of his words. It all seemed a bunch of nonsense to me. I looked up at him, and he was smiling.

  “I’m not talking nonsense, Kathy.” He scowled, and I blushed. “You’re just pretending to be deaf, you don’t want to understand. Don’t push him away, Kathy; you’re the only one who can heal him.”

  Declan came closer and I could feel the heat radiating from him, from the white aura that encircled his body. It felt good, reassuring, comforting—just like when he was alive and held me in his arms.

  “His heart still aches for his parents. He’s grown up, he’s playing cool, but deep down he still longs to turn back the hands of time and be on that plane with them. He shouldn’t feel guilty, though: they’re not mad at him.”

  I winced. “They?”

  He nodded, smiling sweetly at me. “They’re up there with me. They wanted to tell him, but they couldn’t. I’ve been allowed to talk to you to help you fulfill your destiny. Not all of us are allowed to show ourselves.”

  He was talking as if he’d been an angel forever, and the thought made me smile. He’d always been my guardian angel when he was alive; it was no wonder he was now, too.

  “They have a message for him and I want you to tell him.”

  “Tell Colin I’ve been speaking to my dead brother? I don’t think so, Deco. He’ll think I’ve gone crazy,” I said, shaking my head. He chuckled lightly and looked me straight in the eye; his baby blues were almost piercing my soul.

  “He loves you, Kathy. He loves you very much; he’ll believe once you get back on your feet.”

  He sat on the bed next to me. I didn’t feel his weight on the mattress, only his warmth and his light. He looked at me and smiled, one of those sweet, loving smiles I used to adore.

  When he put a hand on the top of my head I felt as if my body had been set on fire, so I flinched. The peace I had felt only seconds ago turned into fear.

  What’s happening to me?

  “Do you trust me?” he asked, and as my eyes met his I couldn’t help but nod. He’d never lied to me when he was alive, I was sure he wasn’t going to start now.

  I closed my eyes when he put his hand on my head again and I decided to let him do whatever he wanted. After all, I wasn’t really scared of dying; if I did, I’d be with him again, and that was enough to make me almost look forward to that moment.

  “Stop it, young lady!” he chided, and I opened my eyes to look at him. “You’re not going to die any time soon, so stop wishing you would.”

  I blushed and closed my eyes, feeling guilty for the stupid thought. I realized the warmth I’d been feeling on my head was now moving down my body until it reached my legs and, suddenly, my toes began to tingle.

  “Can you feel it, Kathy?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. “This is what faith’s all about.”

  I nodded, my eyes still closed. I could feel it; I could feel every single nerve in my feet react to the heat. I tried to move my toes and winced when they did. Was I dreaming? I looked up at Declan with wide eyes. His smile was the confirmation I needed.

  “You’re healed.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to believe he was telling me the truth. I had resigned myself to being stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and now I could actually feel my toes and my legs.

  It felt weird, almost unreal. I tried to move my legs to get out of bed and, to my great surprise, they did.

  It’s a miracle.

  Declan nodded, reading my thoughts. He urged me to get up.

  “I don’t want to fall flat on my face,” I said, afraid I was overestimating myself and I’d end up falling down and breaking something.

  “I’m here; I won’t let you fall, Kathy.”

  It was all I needed. My brother had always been there for me, he’d always taken care of me and so he would now.

  I pushed myself up with my hands and, when I saw I was actually standing on my own two feet, I squealed with joy. Declan laughed—I’d missed that laugh so much—and I turned back to look at him. He motioned for me to take a few steps.

  And so I did. I moved my right foot tentatively, then my left; my right again and my left, and with every step I felt more confident. I felt reborn.

  “Come back here, now. Don’t go overboard. You’ve got plenty of time to work on that with Colin and get back in shape.”

  I turned back and nodded, feeling a little tired already, although I’d only taken a couple of steps. When I slumped back down on my bed he came close to me again and touched my hand, the familiar peace pervading my body.

  “There’s something we need you to do, now,” he said, his voice deep and soft.

  “We?” I raised an eyebrow, questioningly.

  He nodded, but didn’t explain further. Instead, he touched my hands and the heat engulfed them one more time.

  “You’ll have to speak to Colin, tell him the truth about how I healed you. And no, he won’t think you’ve gone crazy,” he said with a smile on his face, reading my thoughts. “You’ve got to give him a message from his parents.”

  “But…” I tried to cut in, but when he raised a hand to stop me I shut my mouth.

  “They love him very much and they’re very proud of the man he’s become. They want him to stop thinking he should’ve been on that plane. It wasn’t his time to die, he had to grow up and meet you. It all happened for a reason. He would never have moved to Ireland, never become a physiotherapist and never have met you otherwise. They’re doing great up there, so he doesn’t h
ave to worry about them.”

  “He’ll never believe me.”

  “Love works miracles, Kathy. He’ll believe you, because he loves you,” he said steadfastly, and I blushed. It still felt a little weird to talk about Colin with him. “Once you’ve sorted this out with Colin, you can finally go back to your life, to your plans. You’ll write that book you’ve always said you’d write. You said you needed to find the inspiration. Let your life inspire you,” he said, his eyes fixed on mine.

  “Are you saying I should write a book about angels?” I asked, not sure it was a good idea. Nobody would believe me. People would think I’d gone crazy.

  “Then let them. If they don’t want to believe, they can think it’s fiction. This is what you’ve always wanted to do. I know you can do this. I have faith in you, little sister.”

  I stared at him, lost in thought, and hugged my knees. God, it felt so good to finally be able to do that and feel them again! I let the words he’d spoken sink in, knowing I’d need time to come to terms with the fact I could lead a normal life again. I could stop feeling miserable and wishing I would die.

  When Declan died and I’d ended up in a wheelchair I thought I’d never be able to pursue any of my dreams. They died with him. I’d been so traumatized by everything that I’d never had time to focus on my plan of being a writer. I’d never thought that, in spite of my condition, I could still make one dream come true: if I couldn’t move to New York, I could write and follow my aspirations. I’d been too overwhelmed by the pain I was feeling to think of that.

  But now I could walk and Declan would always be with me, so I didn’t need to worry. I’d be able to pursue my life-long dream and have my brother support me through it all.