Hugged By An Angel

by Capizzi, Roberta

  I’d never been a shy guy, but opening up with Gran had turned me into one. However, if there was one person who’d be able to understand me now it was Gran. She’d been with me through the most horrible period of my life, she’d helped me get over the stupid rebellious and self-destructive phase I’d gone through after my parents died and she’d never stopped loving or believing in me. I’d definitely speak to Chris about it, because he was like a brother to me, and I knew he’d be jumping with joy; but first I wanted to tell Gran and gauge her reaction.

  I cleared my throat, knowing I was running out of time. Kathleen would be here with Gran’s tea any time, and I needed to get this thing off my chest now before it drove me crazy.

  “I want to ask her to marry me,” I blurted out and I looked up, expecting her to ask if I’d gone crazy; but, instead of finding a shocked or disappointed expression on her face, I saw she was smiling from ear to ear, and my shoulders relaxed.

  “I thought I’d never get to see the day when I heard you say you were getting married,” she said, taking my hands and squeezing them. “I’m glad that girl has been able to put some sense into your head at last. It was about time you stopped acting like a teenager and turned into a man.”

  I grinned. Gran had never been one to beat around the bush and I deserved all of it.

  “You don’t think it might be too soon, though? I mean, we’ve only been dating for five months, and maybe I’m rushing into things.”

  “Do you love her?” she asked abruptly, and I couldn’t help but nod. “Have you ever wanted to marry any of your previous girlfriends? Have you ever imagined your future with any of them?”

  I shook my head, knowing the words ‘future’ and ‘forever’ had always scared the hell out of me.

  “Your father knew Sarah was the woman he wanted to spend his life with after he’d known her for a week and, even then, seeing the look on his face I knew he wasn’t rushing into something wrong. I’d never believed in love at first sight until I saw my own son fall so badly for that exchange student,” she chuckled, and I knew very well what she was talking about. My parents had always claimed it had been instant love between them and I’d often wondered if I’d ever get to experience something so strong with anyone in my life. Maybe it hadn’t been love at first sight with Kathleen, although she had stirred something inside of me the first time I met her. Either way, I knew now what I felt for her was as strong as what my parents had shared, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

  “Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses, but if your feelings are strong enough you’ll overcome any obstacles you’ll find on the way,” she continued, speaking very wise words, as usual. “You’ve been through a lot together and I can’t think of a better way to build the foundation of a relationship. Your love has bloomed through grief and hardship. I’m sure it can get out of a storm unscathed.”

  She was right; I’d discovered my feelings for Kathleen when she was still getting over her loss, when I knew she’d never be able to walk again, and I’d been willing to put all my needs behind me just for her. I’d known being with her would mean sacrifice, would mean giving up my old life. And even then I hadn’t been scared, because what I’d felt for her was stronger than any difficulties, any sacrifices, any stupid needs I might have had before.

  “So, when are you going to propose?” she asked, interrupting my musings, and I shrugged. “I want to live long enough to come to your wedding, so you might have to be quick about it.”

  I laughed, and squeezed her hands, giving her my most scolding glance. I didn’t like it when she talked about death; I needed her around. I wanted her to see my babies.

  “I’ve only just thought about it and I don’t want to scare her away. I need her to be ready, and I want it to be perfect, romantic, mind-blowing, just like she deserves. I want to plan it in a way that will leave her no other option than to say ‘yes’.”

  Gran giggled and was about to say something when we heard a light knock on the door. When Gran asked her to come in, the door opened and Kathleen stood in the doorway holding the mug with Gran’s tea, her cheeks slightly colored, making her look very shy.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” she said sheepishly, and looked at me as if to ask for permission. “I’ll just leave the mug and go.”

  I sprang up, took the mug from her hands and kissed the tip of her nose reassuringly.

  “Don’t worry, we were finished,” I said, handing the mug to Gran and kissing her cheek goodnight. I knew I was too old for that, but she loved it and I was happy to oblige. I gave her a conspiratorial look, as if to ask her to keep the secret, and she smiled.

  When we’d walked back into my room and I’d closed the door behind us, I wrapped Kathleen in a bear hug and started nuzzling her neck, moving up to her ear, where I knew she was most sensitive.

  “I love you,” I whispered, my warm breath causing her to shiver. “And now I have to show you how much I’ve missed you,” I said huskily and spun her around so that she was facing me. She smirked, and shook her head.

  “There’s no way you’re coming near me with your grandmother sleeping next door,” she said, resting her palms on my chest and trying to shove me away. I didn’t budge, and she tried to break free from my grasp.

  “She’s eighty-two, she’s half deaf and will be asleep within five minutes,” I said, pulling her close to me again, and biting her bottom lip. “And I’ll move the bed from the wall, and promise not to scream your name; she’ll never know.”

  She giggled, and shook her head even more vehemently, while she punched my chest so I’d loosen my grip. I smiled at her stubbornness.

  “She’s not half deaf,” she said, her tone starting to pick up an edge when she saw her efforts at breaking free weren’t working. “She heard you very well when you made that smarty-pants comment about the shower. Colin, let go of me!”

  I released my grip when she got frustrated and pretended she had won. She looked warily at me, spun and walked toward the bed where her pajamas lay. She gave me one last side glance, narrowing her eyes. I shrugged and raised my hands in defeat, pulling my t-shirt over my head and kicking off my shoes.

  As soon as she was under the comforter and had turned off the light, my arms snaked around her, and I pulled her close to my chest.

  “Colin,” she scolded, and I stared at her with the most innocent look I had.

  “Can we at least sleep in each other’s arms, or is that going to wake Gran as well?” I asked in a huff and she smiled, nodding.

  “Fine,” she whispered, closing her eyes.

  “Fine,” I said, tightening my grip as I felt her melt in my arms, her palms on my chest, her head just below my chin. Feeling her soft breathing against my skin was enough to make me realize how much I’d missed her. Okay, maybe she’d won the battle now, but I’d make her change her mind in the morning.

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Kathleen

  December 24, 2012

  The last few months had flown quickly. So many things had happened, including the birth of Chris and Melissa’s son. I barely had time to realize it was nearly Christmas until today, Christmas Eve. Now that I was in my mom’s kitchen, baking gingerbread cookies with my siblings just like we used to do when we were children, I almost expected Declan to walk in at any minute and help us with the decorating.

  “David, can you please stop ruining those cookies?”

  Our mother sounded as if she was on the edge of exasperation, but I couldn’t really understand why she had to make so much fuss about it. She’d been worrying too much about tomorrow’s lunch, and I knew it was because of Colin and his grandmother coming over. He’d spend Christmas Eve with his grandmother and his aunts, but we’d agreed they’d both spend Christmas day with us so he could officially be introduced as my boyfriend, although everyone in my family knew we were dating.

  Ever since I’d told my mom I’d invited them she’d become obsessed with food and
kept fussing over the smallest details. Like the gingerbread cookies. David had appointed himself Official Decorator while Maggie and I kneaded and baked, and he’d actually been doing a good job so far.

  “Why, what’s wrong with my cookies?” David asked innocently, looking at me for support. I smiled.

  “There’s nothing wrong with them, David. I’m sure Colin won’t mind if the gingerbread men have a silly face or Santa’s suit,” I said, and Mom snorted, shaking her head. I really couldn’t understand why she acted as if the King of England was coming to lunch. It was only Colin after all and, knowing him, he’d love David’s creativity. I looked at his last work of art and gaped at it when I realized what he’d done. “Gosh, David. Does that cookie have dreadlocks?”

  Our mother’s head whipped up, and she took a step toward the table, smacking David’s head and causing me to giggle.

  “Okay, okay! Got it, ma!” he said in a huff, and picked up the cookie, smirking at me. “This was my masterpiece but since no one seems to understand my talent, I guess I’ll have to eat it myself. Want the head, sis?”

  I grinned and he gave me half of the cookie, popping the other piece into his mouth and munching happily.

  “Hmm…delifous!” he said with his mouth full, crumbs spilling over the table. I giggled, eating my share.

  “David, you’re such a child!” Maggie chided, shaking her head and playing the part of the adult for once.

  “Here’s the pot calling the kettle black. You’re worse than me!”

  “No, I’m not, you idiot!” Maggie retorted, throwing a dish towel at him that he deftly dodged.

  “Your aim sucks, Maggie. Try again.” David looked at me and chuckled, which infuriated Maggie even more. She tossed a coaster, and he ducked his head. It hit a plastic jar on the counter and made it tumble to the floor, rice spilling everywhere.

  Our mother let out an exasperated snort and David stuck out his tongue at Maggie.

  “Mom!” she whined, and I stared at the scene, feeling as if we’d gone back to Christmas Eve some fifteen years ago or so when David used to love teasing Maggie just for the sake of it.

  “Yes, run to Mommy, Mag. That’s all you’ve ever been able to do!” David said, in a childish tone and Maggie’s cheeks turned red with anger.

  “Stop it, or I swear I’ll kick your arse!”

  “You’ve gotta catch me first,” he said with a smirk, and he was out of the door a second later with Maggie in hot pursuit, cursing after him. I couldn’t help but laugh while I cleaned the mess they’d made. As my mom handed me a clean towel, she bent her head and shook it in resignation.

  “You’re lucky you don’t live here anymore; sometimes I feel more like a kindergarten teacher than the mother of twenty-year-olds.”

  I smiled, knowing too well how childish Maggie and David could be. Still, the silly banter that had gone on between them had made me feel a little nostalgic, and for a moment I really wished I could turn back the hands of time and be back in this house, with my siblings running around and Declan still alive. My mom must have noticed the expression on my face because a moment later she crouched down on the floor next to me and laid a hand on my thigh.

  “I still think of him every single day,” she whispered, and I could hear the slight trembling in her voice. “Every time I stand in front of his grave I can’t bring myself to believe my son is buried there. When you came home today, I almost expected him to show up, too, just like he did last year—like he did every year since he left home.”

  I took her hand in mine and squeezed it. I’d avoided talking about Declan, I’d never been to the graveyard with her, even though she’d asked me to, and now I felt awful about it all. I’d thought it would be best not to mention him because I didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she was already in, but I hadn’t thought that not talking about him wouldn’t erase it. Pretending nothing had happened and that he was still living in New York wasn’t going to help Mom or anyone else get over the sorrow.

  “So did I,” I whispered, and my mother looked at me with eyes filled with sorrow. “I miss him, too, Mom; I still wish it had all been a bad dream, that I’ll wake up and find out the accident never happened.”

  She nodded and brushed my cheek, smiling condescendingly. I wondered if this would be the right time to tell her about Declan. I knew at some point I’d have to tell my family, to help them find a little peace of mind, just like I had. But I couldn’t simply come out of the blue saying: “Hey family, guess what? Declan’s my guardian angel and he healed me; oh, by the way, for five months after the accident I saw him every other day, isn’t that grand?” No, I couldn’t do it like that; I needed to find the right time and make sure they’d believe me. The last thing I wanted was for them to think I’d gone crazy.

  David and Maggie came back into the kitchen then, their arms linked, acting as if they hadn’t just finished playing chase. I knew this wouldn’t be the right moment for confessions so I stood up and we all went back to baking.

  I thought about it all day. All through the midnight Mass I rehearsed what I would say because I knew it’d have to be tonight: I wanted this to be my and Declan’s gift to our family. When we came back from church we all sat by the Christmas tree, chatting and drinking tea and hot chocolate, and I was sure Declan was with us in our living room just like he had been every other year. He was sitting somewhere there, watching us and listening to our silly conversations, and I felt strong enough to face it. My family had always been very catholic, but I didn’t know if they’d ever believed in miracles and angels, so my hands were shaking when I put down my empty mug and cleared my throat to catch their attention.

  “There’s something I have to tell you, something I should have told you some time ago, but, um…I wasn’t ready.”

  Four sets of eyes shot up at me and I shrank in the couch, wondering if I was doing the right thing. When I felt warmth spread across my cheek I had confirmation Declan was there, encouraging me. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and, when I opened them again, the words tumbled out of my mouth without needing too much thinking.

  When I was finished I inspected their faces, one by one, and I could see all different kinds of emotions displayed: wariness, incredulity, surprise, worry, but, on top of them all, I could see hope and relief. I knew this had been the right thing to do.

  David stood up and walked toward the window where he stood facing out, his forehead and the palm of his hand pressed against the glass. Even though he was standing with his back to me I could see his chest was heaving and I immediately went toward him. He was trying to fight back the tears I had seen welling in his eyes while I was talking about Declan, and I knew it was because he didn’t want our family to see him break up. He wanted to be strong and he wanted our parents to think he was doing fine, but I knew losing Declan had been like losing a limb to him.

  Declan and David had always had a special bond; being the only two boys they’d always been joined at the hip, at least until Declan went to college. Even after that, even after he moved to New York, they had constantly been in touch and David had been to New York at least once every year. When Declan had come home last year, I’d heard him talk with David about the possibility of getting him a teaching job in a college in New York where one of Declan’s friends worked, and David had been beside himself with happiness.

  I’d totally forgotten about it until now; I’d been so busy thinking about all I’d lost, that I’d never realized David had gone through exactly the same thing: he’d lost his brother and his dream of moving to New York. I suddenly felt so awful and disgusted with myself, it almost made me sick. At least I’d been able to accept the situation little by little, with Declan helping me through it all, guiding and supporting me.

  David hadn’t. His brother and best friend had been ripped away from him and he’d never had the chance to say goodbye or talk to him again, like I had. How could I be so selfish?

  My heart broke at the sight of my happy-go-l
ucky brother trying to repress his emotions so as not to fall apart in front of everyone, and I patted and rubbed his shoulder reassuringly, just like a mother with her child. He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath for a moment, swallowing hard. When he finally exhaled, his breath clouded the windowpane. We looked up and flinched as the words appeared on the glass.

  Happy Christmas, Dave. Be strong, little brother.

  David turned toward me with a frown and I felt tears fill my eyes as I telepathically thanked Declan for giving this last gift to our brother. I smiled at David, and shrugged.

  “Told you,” I said with a smug grin, hoping it would be enough to cheer him up. He nodded, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and burying his face in my hair.

  “I will, Deco. Happy Christmas to you too, bro,” I barely heard him whisper. He then let out a long sigh. “Thank you for telling us, Kathy,” he said louder, and I squeezed him a little tighter in a sort of silent ‘you’re welcome’.

  It was almost two o’clock when we finally decided to call it a night and try to get some sleep. This time, probably for the first time in almost a year, everyone would be able to sleep peacefully.

  Chapter Fifty

  Colin

  December 25, 2012

  My heart started thudding in my chest as soon as the GPS in my car said we were five-hundred yards away from our destination. This was it: I would officially be introduced to Kathleen’s family as her boyfriend, and I was feeling as if I was going to face the court martial instead of having a quiet lunch with my girlfriend’s family. I’d never been introduced as anyone’s boyfriend; I’d never met any of my girlfriends’ families before; I’d never had Christmas lunch with in-laws. Hell, I was on the verge of a heart attack, a nervous breakdown, or possibly both. It was 3 degrees Celsius outside but I was sweating bullets.