Reckless (The Reckless Series)

by True, Holli

  After two hours, I finally collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Every muscle in my body ached, my legs and arms throbbed with pain. Even if I wanted to keep dancing, there was no way my body would allow me to keep going.

  As I walked out of the studio, I was surprised to see someone seated on the long bench that lined the window straight ahead. It took me a minute to realize I recognized the person’s face. I stopped walking abruptly, unable to believe my eyes and stared long and hard.

  “Jonah.” My voice barely above a whisper.

  He smiled cautiously, remaining seated, saying nothing.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  His jaw tightened and he looked down, pressing the palms of his hands down in a forward motion on his jeans before standing. He took a few steps toward me, stopping a few feet from where I stood. “You looked beautiful in there,” he said, nodding his head toward the studio I had just exited.

  “You saw that?”

  “I had no idea you could dance like that,” he continued, one side of his mouth turned up into a lazy grin. “You’re amazing.”

  I didn’t know what to say. My mind was swimming with emotions, sadness because of my father and happiness to see Jonah. It was all too overwhelming, I couldn’t think straight, only one pressing question surfaced to the top. “How did you find me here?”

  “I saw you walking earlier, you were on your phone. You didn’t see me.”

  “So you followed me?”

  “I wanted to see you.” He dug his hands deep into his pockets, shifting his weight. I couldn’t be certain, but he almost looked uncomfortable or uncertain about being there. “I hope that’s okay?”

  Overcome with emotion, I slowly started nodding, feeling everything within me crumble to dust. I couldn’t suppress it any longer, my entire body began to cave to the relentless sobs. Emotionally and physically drained, I felt myself sinking down to the floor. Before my knees made contact, Jonah’s arms engulfed me. Without hesitation, he pulled me hard against his chest, cradling my limp body in his strong arms. He moved with ease across the empty hallway and sat down on the bench, maintaining his firm grasp on me. Saying nothing, he simply held me for what felt like an eternity.

  “I’m sorry,” I stammered between sobs. But I couldn’t stop the flood of tears, they were determined to fall and there was nothing I could do to end them.

  “Don’t apologize,” he said softly in my ear.

  I felt the need to explain myself so he would understand why I was such a wreck. I could only imagine what he must be thinking of my surge of emotions. “Today has been rough,” my voice quivering.

  “I know,” he said, his voice calm and understanding.

  I took a deep breath and slowly shook my head, “I don’t think you do.” Nuzzling in closer to him, I allowed the words to flow from my mouth in one big rush. “Nine years ago today, my dad died of a heart attack. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. My dad was everything to me and my mom. Everything.” The onset of another wave of tears made it impossible for me to say anything more.

  Jonah’s arms tightened around me, making me feel so frail and small. He didn’t say anything for a long time, allowing me to cry without interjection. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft and slightly husky in my ear, “I’m sorry for your loss, Hailey.” He paused for a moment and then continued, “When Sam... When I lost Sam, I struggled for a long time, too.”

  The memories from our first date fill my mind. “Your mentor.”

  Jonah nodded, “I couldn’t make sense of it, let alone accept it. It made me question everything. Life, death...”

  “Love.” I said, with complete understanding.

  “Love more than anything,” he said, his voice soft. “It seemed that love inevitably led to loss, which resulted in pain. A vicious cycle that didn’t seem worth experiencing.” Jonah’s hand slowly swept up across my back until he was cradling one side of my face, his fingers laced through the loose strands of my hair. Carefully and ever so sweetly, he lifted my chin up until he could look at my face. The look in his eyes stole the very breath within me, they pierced straight through to my soul. “But then...” he hesitated, deliberation written all over his face. He pressed his lips together in a thin line and looked away, breaking his hold on me.

  Whatever he was about to say, I suddenly felt desperate to hear it. I wanted him to trust me enough to speak the words his heart wanted to say, even if it meant being vulnerable. Reaching up, I placed my hands on either side of his face and stared straight into his eyes, “But then, what?”

  He inhaled deeply, his eyes penetrating straight to my soul. “But then I met you.”

  The magnitude of the moment wasn’t lost on me. I knew if I allowed myself to, I could easily fall for Jonah. And I wanted to— but there was something, somewhere deep inside, that warned me to take it slow. Get to know him better before surrendering my heart.

  His secretive ways made me wonder what he was hiding. When he disappeared for days at a time, I couldn’t help but wonder where exactly he went? There were still so many things I didn’t know about him. Things that would likely reveal themselves over time, as we got to know each other better.

  Then, and only then, I would allow myself to fall.

  - 8 -

  beautiful war

  JONAH

  There was no happy ending ahead for us. It was an impossibility. At some point, I was going to be forced to hurt her by saying goodbye. For good. The idea of her suffering in any way because of me caused an indescribable ache in my chest, a sensation I wasn’t accustomed to, though I recognized. Pain.

  There was no way it was going to end well. Of that, I was certain. There would be a day of reckoning and I would have to face the consequences of my actions. But it wasn’t my fate that I feared for, it was Hailey’s. Would she be forced to pay for all of my misgivings? My selfish desire to be with her?

  Hailey was my purpose for existing. I was made for her. There was no question about that. But I wasn’t made to hold her flesh within my arms. I wasn’t made to taste her sweet kisses. I wasn’t made to be with her. At least not the way I wanted. Yet, I had allowed myself to fall in love with her. And I was almost certain that she loved me, too. It was tragic, really.

  For years I had been disciplined. I had a clear understanding of the purpose of my existence, it was a role I had been fully committed to. Though, in mere moments, I had managed to ruin all of it. All for Hailey. Because I wanted a life with her so badly, I was willing to turn my back on everything I knew and believed.

  In such a short amount of time, she had given me a renewed sense of purpose. There was nothing I wanted more than to be the man who could stand by her side and live life with her. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t give to be able to make that happen.

  But I had been fooling myself.

  And worst of all, I had been fooling Hailey. Because she was the one choice before me that I could never, ever choose. Always there, but just out of reach.

  “You don’t look so good,” a familiar voice said from behind. I didn’t turn, knowing it belonged to Ethan.

  “Good to see you, too.” My tone was short and cutting. Despite the majority of empty desks in the lecture hall, Ethan sank into the vacant seat next to me. His usual group of minions filled the seats around me. I glanced sideways at him for a brief moment, my jaw instinctively clenching tight. Something about Ethan had always rubbed me the wrong way, which was one strike against him. His affiliation with Matt was a second strike. I had no doubt in my mind that a third strike was in his future.

  Finding humor in my obvious distaste for him, Ethan angled himself toward me in his chair. “Keeping busy these days I see, Jonah?”

  “No more than usual,” I replied dryly, keeping my eyes forward.

  “Nice try,” one of his followers said, shaking his head. “I know what you’ve been up to.”

  “We all do,” Ethan’s tone quickly turning icy and cutting. “You
’re a damn fool.”

  “What I do doesn’t concern you.”

  “It concerns all of us when you risk exposing what we are,” Ethan snarled through his teeth, slamming his fist aggressively on the desk.

  An overly loud group of girls seated a few rows from us has masked the sound of Ethan’s rage. No one in the hall seemed to take notice of us. Students were still filing in through the door and Professor Mills was nowhere to be seen.

  “You’ll destroy everything!” one yelled out.

  Ethan held up a hand in his direction, with that simple motion, he sulked back in his chair. Turning his attention back to me, Ethan sat forward, leaning closer to me. It took an incredible amount of self restraint to keep from lunging for him.

  “Hailey’s hot, I’ll give you that, but hardly worth the trouble,” Ethan pressed, his voice low enough that only I could hear him. His words were calculated, I could tell by the way he watched for my reaction. “Of course, Matt’s set his sights on her, too. You should know, he has every intention of making your girl a woman.”

  Instincts kicked in and I lurched forward, the tension spewing from every inch of my body. “If he lays another finger on her, it’ll be the last thing he does!” It was a warning. The only warning I would offer him. My anger was boiling within me, ready to erupt at any moment.

  Ethan’s laughter filled the room as he stood from his chair and slowly walked in front of the desk where I was seated. He turned away, facing the others, “Hear that boys? Sounds like a violation of the code, don’t you agree?” He looked to each of them to plead his case, they were all too quick to nod in agreement. Then he turned back to me, locking his cold, dark eyes down on mine, “Thou shalt not intercede.”

  “Back off,” I fired back, standing to even my glaring eyes on his.

  “I have the same words of advice for you,” he said, unmoving.

  “Stay away from her, Ethan. And you keep that pathetic excuse for a man away from her, too.”

  “And if I don’t?” he asked with a smirk that looked almost sinister.

  “Then it won’t end well. Not for you and not for Matt.”

  Ethan’s lips pursed in amusement, “I think you need to consider how things are going to end for you, my friend.”

  “I’m not your friend.”

  “Very true. But my statement stands.”

  “So does my warning,” I said, holding my ground.

  His face contorted in a sudden burst of anger, “What are you going to do about it?”

  “Anything I have to. Believe that,” I said, no truer words had ever been spoken.

  “Empty threats won’t get you anywhere with me, Trabor. Believe that.”

  Professor Mills entered the room, closing the door behind him. “Take a seat, people,” he grumbled, not bothering to look up from the newspaper he had carried in with him.

  I couldn’t leave, but I also knew I couldn’t spend the next hour sitting next to Ethan. “Keep your distance,” I said through clenched teeth, intentionally pushing my shoulder into Ethan’s as I stepped past him to find a new place to sit. This put an end to our confrontation, but I knew, without a doubt, that it was only the beginning of something much bigger.

  . . .

  I felt the rage rippling throughout my body the entire walk back to the dorm. Ethan had managed to get under my skin with his snide remarks. But more than anything, he had forced me to see the error of my ways. As much as I wanted to despise him, when it came to Hailey, I was beginning to think I was the bigger threat to her than he or Matt. After all, her heart belonged to me and I was about to shatter it into a million pieces.

  As soon as I walked through the door, Ben glanced up at me and stood on his feet. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked cautiously.

  “Ethan.” I snarled, feeling the urge to punch something. It took me several minutes to finally calm down enough to relay everything that had just happened. But talking about it just got me fired up all over again.

  “Don’t listen to him, man.” Ben said, cupping his hand around my shoulder.

  “How can I not?” I said, shrugging off his hand. A tidal wave of frustration continued to pound into me relentlessly, it was wearing me down.

  Ben pressed his palms into the sides of his head looking exasperated. “Don’t you see what he’s doing? Ethan’s just trying to get into your head. And you’re letting him.”

  Always the optimist, Ben was staying true to form. He didn’t believe in giving up, he believed in beating the odds. On most days I found his positive outlook to be amusing, but not today. It was just getting on my nerves.

  “No, Ben. Everything Ethan said is true. He’s absolutely right.”

  “Don’t say that,” he protested.

  I ignored him. “I’ve wasted so much time trying to justify every wrong move I’ve made, but there’s no excuse for what I’ve done.”

  Feeling flustered, I shook my head, turning away from him. A collection of multicolored post-it notes were tiled along the wall before me. It grew on a daily basis, an inspirational quote on each one of them. What had started out as a handful of notes had multiplied up over thirty, covering a small portion of the wall above the desk. At this rate the entire wall in our dorm room would be covered by the end of the year.

  “That’s quite the mural in the making,” Ben said, pulling me from my thoughts.

  I didn’t say anything.

  He walked over to get a closer look at the collage. “I couldn’t help but notice all of the recent quotes about love that have been added,” he said, pointing to the very note that had been added that evening. “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies— Aristotle.”

  My jaw immediately tightened as I pressed my temples with my hands. “It’s just a quote,” I muttered, wishing he hadn’t seen it.

  “Ironic timing, don’t you think?”

  “Not particularly,” I said dryly.

  Ben shook his head as he scowled at me, “You’re wrong.”

  He didn’t get it. But how could he? He had never been in the situation I was in, so what valid

  advice did he have to offer?

  I looked away, disgusted with myself. “I don’t care what you believe. I don’t deserve her.”

  “She’s falling in love with you, Jonah.”

  And I was falling in love with her. But it didn’t matter. Our love had been doomed from the start. I had always known that, yet I had allowed both of us to fall anyway.

  “She’ll love someone else some day. Someone who can give her everything she deserves in life. Someone far better than me.” But I couldn’t bring myself to think about the reality of that happening. Watching her move on with another man would be excruciating to bear, but I deserved nothing less for what I had done.

  Ben looked at me as though I had lost my mind, “Be serious, Jonah. Do you want her to wind up with someone like that Holland kid?”

  “Matt? Hell no!” the words flew out of my mouth without any hesitation.

  Ben pressed his brows together, hesitating before speaking, “If you want to be with her, fight for her.”

  It was a romantic notion, but also a foolish one.

  “Do you hear yourself?”

  “Do you?”

  “What’s the point, Ben? Huh?” I asked, feeling sick as the words left my mouth. “You know as well as I do that it will never work.”

  He shook his head firmly. “The point is, you keep saying you can’t be with her, but you’ve been with her for weeks now. Nothing bad has happened yet.”

  “Exactly. Yet.”

  Ben groaned with frustration. “Nothing bad has happened. Period.”

  “So what are you saying? If you were me, you’d just keep on living a lie? You’d drag the girl you love through hell, knowing you’d wind up breaking her heart in the end?”

  “I’m saying that I think you’re running for no reason, Jonah.”

  I didn’t believe that. Not for one second. Truth was, it didn’t matter
what I wanted. I didn’t have a choice or a say, it was completely out of my hands. Why I had allowed myself to get in this deep was beyond me. The end was inevitable, an absolute certainty. I had to end it, say goodbye and leave her alone for good. It might take time for my heart to agree with my head, but I had to do what was right for Hailey’s sake, despite what felt right to me.

  “The longer I wait, the worse it’s going to be,” I said flatly. And as more time passed, the harder it was going to be to do the right thing. Once and for all.

  . . .

  I hesitated before lifting my hand to the door. Every inch of my body was urging me to run from this place, to get as far away as I possibly could. No part of me wanted to face what I was about to do, but every part of me knew I had to. I replayed the rehearsed conversation in my head for the hundredth time. There were so many things I needed her to know. And this was going to be my last opportunity to speak these words to her. My very last opportunity to be in her presence.

  The finality of the situation tormented me to my core.

  It was this small moment of time that I wanted to remain in as long as possible, the calm before the storm. In this moment, everything was right between Hailey and I, though completely wrong for the world that she and I lived in. Because, although she couldn’t see it or feel it, she and I resided in two very different places at the same time.

  I lifted my hand again, this time I didn’t hesitate. Yes, this was the right thing to do. For Hailey.

  Seconds later, she opened the door with a warm smile spread across her beautiful face. “Jonah,” she said softly, stepping out into the hallway to wrap her arms around my waist. She arched up on her toes to kiss me gently on the lips. As always, the sensation caused my blood to tingle just below the surface where her lips had been. I was going to miss that feeling.

  She peered up at me with her big green eyes, looking more innocent and breathtaking than usual. No defining word would ever describe Hailey’s beauty, no word in existence could ever do her justice.