Reckless (The Reckless Series)

by True, Holli

  I would miss the way she looked at me.

  “Come in,” she finally said, placing her small hand in mine. She pulled me into her room and closed the door behind us, never breaking contact with me. Yet another physicality I would miss— her touch.

  “Don’t mind the mess,” she said, gesturing to the tiny, cluttered room. Most of the mess was on the half of the room that didn’t belong to Hailey. “I don’t think it would be possible to make these rooms any smaller,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

  “Yeah,” I agreed mindlessly, “it can feel crowded pretty quickly.”

  “Next year I refuse to do the dorm thing.” Hailey shook her head slowly, “My mom was adamant that I experience college life at it’s fullest, which included dorm living.” Hailey rolled her eyes to the ceiling and then giggled lightly, “She never went to college, so I think she’s living vicariously through me.”

  “You’re probably right,” I said with a nod.

  She moved a hand through her hair and looked down, lost in her thoughts for a moment. “You’d like my mom,” she finally said. “Maybe you can meet her this winter, you could come to visit me when I go home over break?”

  I took a deep breath and braced myself for the words I was about to say. “I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I said calmly, shifting my eyes away from hers.

  She smiled awkwardly. “Oh, right. You probably already have plans for the holidays,” she said, dismissing her idea.

  “Actually, it’s not that.”

  “Okay...”

  “We need to talk, Hailey.”

  Her body language instantly changed, her hand became rigid in mine and she took a small step away from me. “A sentence no girl ever wants to hear from her boyfriend.” Her expression turned serious all at once. Even her tone sounded different. Cautious?

  I stalled, searching for the courage to say what I needed to say. “Everything has been happening so fast,” I finally said, more to myself than to her.

  She shifted her weight, saying nothing. The silence in the room was growing more and more deafening.

  “When I met you, I never imagined we’d wind up here. Me, standing in your dorm room, holding your hand...” I trailed off. I was getting off topic, which was ridiculous. I was only prolonging the inevitable.

  “You’re kind of freaking me out right now, Jonah.” She frowned as she looked up at me, her eyes searching mine.

  “I know. I’m sorry.” And then I fell silent. The words were there, right on the tip of my tongue. Exactly where I wanted them to stay.

  “Jonah?” She gave me a strange look.

  I looked up, meeting her eyes, feeling the pit in my stomach double in size. Sucking air in through my teeth, I tore my eyes from hers and looked down at my feet. “I never should have let things go this far.”

  And with that, she withdrew her hand from mine and folded her arms across her chest. I had to fight the urge to reach out and take her hand in mine again. My empty hand ached for her, but I knew I would have to accept this feeling as the new normal. It wasn’t fair.

  “I’ve made a terrible mistake and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to right my wrongs.” It was a poignant moment that would forever destroy me.

  “I don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head, suddenly looking overwhelmed.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued, “I don’t belong in your world, Hailey. You just, you made it so easy for me to fall.”

  “What are you saying?” she recoiled.

  “Being here, this is wrong.”

  “You’re not making any sense right now, It’s like you’re speaking in code. Just say whatever you came to say.”

  “Hailey...”

  I didn’t want to say it.

  “No,” she demanded, the edge in her voice pierced my ears. “Just say it, Jonah!”

  I couldn’t bring myself to look at her as the words left my mouth, “I can’t be with you.”

  I heard her catch her breath. “Can’t be or don’t want to be?”

  “Can’t be,” I said firmly. If I could have it any other way, I would. Being with her was the only thing I wanted. But I couldn’t say that to her. She would never understand the situation I was in. My eyes flickered to hers, the expression on her face was almost too painful to take in, her eyes now clouded with tears. “I hate that I’ve hurt you.”

  She shook her head slowly as the tears began to fall. “Then why are you doing this?” she pleaded, taking a step toward me.

  “I don’t have a choice. I have no way of explaining this to you, I just need you to believe me. There’s no other option.”

  “Life is all about choices, Jonah. You’re just not choosing me.” Her words echoing my own thoughts from that morning.

  “You don’t understand,” I said, on the edge of words I couldn’t say to her.

  “You’re right, I don’t!”

  “This won’t end well. For either of us.”

  “Why does it have to end at all?”

  I couldn’t speak.

  “You can’t deny there’s something very real between us, Jonah. It’s happening whether you like it or not.”

  “You’re right, I can’t deny that.” I admitted, wishing it were enough. “But it doesn’t change anything.”

  “Don’t you dare do that,” Hailey said, wiping away her tears. She tried to put on a brave face for my benefit, but the pain I was causing her was undeniable. I recognized it because I shared it. “You don’t get to say that to me and then look at me like that.”

  I started to speak, but she lifted her hand, covering my mouth before I could get a full word out. She shook her head, not meeting my eyes. “I don’t want to hear anymore.”

  “But Hailey—”

  “I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised by any of this. After all, you did warn me that you were going to screw it all up,” she said bitterly. “At least you got one thing right.”

  She was trying to hurt me. I didn’t blame her.

  “You should go.”

  But I wasn’t ready to.

  There were so many things that I had planned to say to her. Things that I wanted her to hear and never forget. Things she needed to know. Unsaid words that I would have to carry with me for the rest of my days, without her ever knowing or hearing them.

  She moved toward the door, saying nothing. But as her hand landed on the doorknob, she hesitated. I knew that everything was going to change as soon as I walked out of the room and there would be no going back. It took every bit of restraint within me to not stop her from opening the door. I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss away her tears and take back everything I had said.

  But I didn’t.

  As the door swung open, she stepped to one side, clearing the way for me to exit. She pulled at her sweater, hugging it tighter against her body as she shivered. “I guess I’ll see you around or whatever,” she said softly, keeping her eyes down.

  I nodded slowly, knowing that wouldn’t happen. “I wish things could be different.” She would never know just how real those words were.

  “Me too. More than you can imagine,” she said, finally meeting my gaze. The sadness her eyes revealed shattered what was left of my heart. “Goodbye, Jonah.”

  She closed the door, shutting me out of her life for good. “Goodbye, Hailey.”

  - 9 -

  you don't know

  HAILEY

  It felt like an eternity since I had last seen Jonah, but it had only been a few weeks. There had been no trace of him, absolutely nothing. It was almost as though he had disappeared into thin air. I couldn’t make sense of it, but that seemed to be my pattern with Jonah. There were so many question marks that surrounded him, especially now. I couldn’t ignore them, but I doubted the answers would change how I felt about him, either.

  I didn’t like it, but life went on, even with Jonah no longer a part of mine. The only evidence that he truly existed was my disappointment over losing something t
hat I knew would have been great. The undeniable connection between us was something I had never felt with any other person. And being forced to let go of that was so hard.

  Sighing heavily, I glanced at the time on my phone. It was much later in the afternoon than I had realized. Jumping to my feet, I quickly started gathering all of my belongings from the table.

  “Hey stranger,” Matt’s familiar voice was a welcomed distraction. I turned to be greeted by his broad smile as he approached me.

  “Hey,” I said, returning the smile, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  Sadly, I doubted things would ever feel fully comfortable between us again and that bothered me. Things had always been simple and light between us, but since that night in the cemetery, everything felt heavy and complicated. I wished I could just rewind time and erase the entire ordeal, like it never happened. It would have made every-thing so much easier.

  “It looked like you were studying, I just thought I’d say hi,” he said, looking as awkward as I felt.

  “Yeah,” I said, shoving my last book into my bag, “I was, but I actually just finished.”

  “Right. Well, I hope you’re not running off because you saw me coming,” he said, watching as I slung my bag over my shoulder.

  “Be serious,” I rolled my eyes at him. “I actually have to get to work. I didn’t realize how late it was.” Which was true, it was my third closing shift for the week.

  “Well then, can I walk you?” Matt asked, looking hopeful.

  “You don’t have to do that,” I said quickly, listening to the little voice in my head telling me to say no.

  “I know I don’t have to, Hailey. I want to,” he said, taking my bag from my shoulder, draping it over his own. As we exited the library, he glanced over at me, “You know, you can’t avoid me forever. I won’t let you.”

  I gave him a disapproving glare, though he wasn’t entirely wrong. Things felt so weird between us since his drunken mishap, it was easier to make myself scarce than to deal with being around him. Not to mention, the past few weeks I had become a bit of a social recluse. Jonah was to thank for that.

  “I’m not avoiding you,” I finally said, nudging him softly. “I’ve just been really busy.”

  “Spending all your time with that boyfriend of yours? What’s his name again?”

  “Don’t act like you don’t remember his name. And not exactly,” I said without emotion, hoping to graze over the topic without an interrogation.

  “Trouble in paradise already?” Matt asked with a smirk.

  No such luck. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  “You mean...?” he trailed off. “Wow. That surprises me,” he said, looking genuinely shocked by my news.

  I took a deep breath, trying to brush off his comment. “Yeah, it took me by surprise, too.” I hesitated for a moment, but the silence made the tension stronger. “Things were great and then all of a sudden they weren’t. I don’t know, I guess it just doesn’t work out sometimes...” I didn’t know what else to say and he really was the last person I wanted to be talking to about it.

  Matt smiled softly for my benefit, his eyes closely on mine. “I can’t say I’m disappointed.”

  “I can’t say I feel the same way,” I said, feeling the dull pain that had been residing in my chest grow. For whatever reason, I still felt compelled to defend Jonah and my feelings for him.

  Matt’s smile quickly faded and he looked away for a moment. I had no doubt that I had hurt his feelings, but even with Jonah out of the picture, it didn’t change that I still only considered him as my friend, at most. He needed to know the truth, even if he didn’t like hearing it.

  His mood immediately shifted. There was a new edge in his tone that made me feel even more uneasy. I made it a point to change the subject entirely away from Jonah and him, for that matter. It was clearly a sore subject and I wasn’t interested in discussing either topic with him any longer.

  We walked the rest of the way making small talk about various things, none of them important. He talked about his Frat and the long list of activities they had planned. I replayed my weeks of studying alone in the library and practically living in the dance studio. By the time we arrived at my work, he was in a much better mood.

  “Thanks for the walk,” I said as we slowed to a stop at the entrance.

  “Anytime,” he said, gently placing my bag on my shoulder. I couldn’t ignore that he allowed his hand to linger at the small of my back longer than it should have.

  “Well, I’m going to be late if I don’t get in there,” I said uncomfortably as I turned toward the door.

  “Wait,” he called after me.

  I glanced back over my shoulder, “Yeah?”

  “Do you think we could grab a meal sometime or catch a movie or something?”

  I opened my mouth to decline, but he spoke before I could say anything.

  “Before you say no, hear me out. I’m not talking about a date. Your signals have been loud and clear, I get it. But I miss hanging out with you and I just want to get our friendship back on track,” he raised his shoulders, his eyes also pleading with me.

  “I appreciate that,” I said with sincerity, “I want the same thing. But I don’t think it’s a good idea. Things can’t just go back to normal all at once. I need more time.”

  “I wish I could take it all back,” he said bitterly, turning his face away from mine, staring out into the distance.

  “Me too,” I said honestly, feeling hopeless in the matter. “But, what’s done is done.”

  “I don’t blame you for hating me,” he said, keeping his focus away from me.

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “I hate me!” he snarled.

  The last thing I wanted was for him to continue to beat himself up over what had happened. He couldn’t change it now and continuing to punish himself wouldn’t improve the situation. “Listen, I’ll think about it,” I said with hesitation, against my better judgement. “But I’m not making any promises, okay?”

  He turned to face me again and flashed me a satisfied smile, “That’s a start!”

  “Thanks again. I’ll see you around,” I said, making it a point not to turn back and look at him once I was inside the building.

  . . .

  “Is there some sort of sick Hollywood requirement to kill off one or both characters at the end of every love story?” Shayne grumbled from the other side of the couch.

  I couldn’t help but giggle. She was kind of right. It was our second DVD of the night and so far we had suffered three character deaths and a cancer battle. It was hardly the uplifting girls night Rebecca had promised me when she had invited me over earlier that week.

  “I’ve never really thought about it, but there must be,” I nodded at Shayne in agreement.

  Rebecca sniffled as she reached for another tissue. She was quickly crying her way through the entire box. “It’s what makes them so good,” she practically wailed, looking like a little girl with a braid on each side of her head.

  Shayne gave me a sideways glance, holding her index finger and thumb to her temple like a gun. “Kill me now,” she said under her breath.

  “I can hear you,” Rebecca said, tossing a small couch pillow in her direction. “You’re just too damn cynical for romance.”

  “Or logical,” she quipped.

  I laughed softly to myself, “You two are bickering like old ladies.”

  “We practically are,” Shayne snapped. “It’s Friday-freakin’-night and we’re sitting here crying over some stupid chick flick when we could be out dancing and meeting hot guys.”

  “Who invited you, anyway?” Rebecca teased her.

  “Why am I not surprised you want to go out?” I asked Shayne, shaking my head.

  “And why am I not surprised that you don’t?”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t want to go.” Letting loose and dancing with my friends was exactly the kind of night I needed. Mayb
e there was a part of me that hoped to casually bump into Jonah, but they didn’t need to know that.

  Rebecca and Shayne exchanged looks, both looking shocked by my statement.

  “Oh, it’s so happening then!” exclaimed Shayne as she jumped to her feet, grinning from ear to ear.

  “My eyes are all red and blotchy, though,” Rebecca groaned, gently pressing her fingertips against the puffy skin beneath her eyes. There was no denying it, they were definitely swollen.

  “So what?” Shayne waved a disregarding hand in her direction, “People will just assume you’ve been partying too hard.”

  “Fantastic,” she said dryly.

  “A little concealer will make a world of difference,” I assured her. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

  It took an hour for us to get ready. Of course, I hadn’t packed clothes for going out, so I had to resort to Rebecca’s closet, which I probably would have done anyway. With input from both her and Shayne, I settled on a short, black lace dress and black leather jacket. It was much edgier than I typically dressed, which made it the perfect choice, according to Shayne. Staring at my reflection in the full length mirror, I didn’t look like myself. But I wasn’t exactly feeling like myself, either, so it seemed pretty fitting.

  “Here you go,” Shayne said, thrusting something small into my hand. At first glance, it looked like an oversized business card.

  “What’s this?” I asked as I peered closer at it.

  “A requirement,” she said, stepping in front of me to examine her own reflection.

  “A fake ID?”

  “How else do you expect to get into Lux?”

  “I wasn’t aware that’s where we were going...” I flipped the replica ID in my hand, shaking my head in disbelief at how legit it actually looked. It even had my real picture on it, which had been swiped from my student ID. “How did you get this?”

  “I know a guy.”

  “Why do you have this?”

  “Do I really need to answer that question?”