Murder Mittens
Page 21
“Yes, we do. My virus particularly enjoys discovering new ways to make you purr, the varying degrees in which we can make you purr, and how long I can extend a single purring session. Alas, instead of practicing my various purr-inducing techniques, we need to make a plan to deal with this serial killer. This severely annoys me. Tomorrow, I have to prance you out to your family and hope they’re satisfied, else I’ll be beaten, and if I’m beaten, there will be even more delays practicing my various purr-inducing techniques. The faster we bag this guy and get the appropriate proof, the faster I take you to your family after your scar removal.”
I translated this to mean that he was motivated to hunt the serial killer and would redefine what it meant to be ruthless and relentless. “Just tell them you’re taking me to a spa in Chicago because I had such a good time in Cincinnati, and since I had treated you, you’re now treating me. That should earn you some serious points with my family, especially if I were to start purring at the mention of going to another spa.”
“Which is the truth since I’ll be getting us reservations at a spa as soon as I can find one.” Sebastian considered his laptop. “What was your favorite activity at the last spa? It is difficult for me to judge, as you had this tendency to start purring within five minutes of all sessions starting.”
“They never flinched, and it was cozy, except for the facial. The facial actually hurt, so I whined. But they warned us it wasn’t comfortable until later stages. You got the short end of the stick on the facial. Apparently, scar tissue needs less maintenance than pristine, handsome flesh.”
“Honestly, I have a lot more respect for what women go through on their quest to be beautiful after our stay at the spa. For the record, the only time you should do any of that is when you want to. If you don’t like makeup, I’m going to rampage on any makeup and put on a very manly show for your enjoyment.”
“Kill my makeup, and you’re on the couch for at least a year,” I warned.
“I won’t kill any makeup until after your surgery, but you will not hide your face because you’re not used to it. I’ve been warned that this is a possibility, and I’ll confiscate your makeup if you try to hide your face. They gave me a list of makeup you can have post operation.”
“They gave you a list of makeup?”
“Eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick. If, for some reason, you would like to wear blush, you may, but there will be no concealer or foundation being used. I will enjoy my duties making sure you understand I don’t care if you’re scarred or not. I will enjoy my duties possibly more than I should.”
“No one warned me lions are ridiculous and excessive. But, considering how long I’ve been working to get a face that doesn’t make kittens flinch, I’m willing to go along with your scheme. And if I have a fit, you’ll just have to sacrifice your body for my happiness.”
“I see you’re enjoying mated life,” he teased.
“It definitely beats being single, and I get to enjoy your roars at a far higher frequency. Mated life is good, but I feel a bit sorry for you, being a second-rate feline compared to me. Lynxes are truly the superior feline. Lions are decent, worthy enough for me, I suppose.”
He growled at me. “You’re playing with fire, Wells.”
“I’m just working on getting my roars, Sumners. The best roar is one won through testing your patience to the limits, and I’m onto you. The more I annoy you, the better it is for me. It must be so sad to be a second-rate feline.”
“I am the king of your jungle, which makes me the top feline. I’ve claimed you as mine, so as such, I win. Now, we need to get back to work. I want as much intel on this guy as possible before we step foot in Chicago.”
To make Sebastian happy, I worked. However, as part of my new mission to never go a night without the lion making me purr, I did the work in my best set of red lingerie.
He lasted an entire hour before a well-time stretched and the softest hint of a purr broke his resistance. As I’d been left off my leash, I made him earn our good time, and to my delight, I reduced him to an exhausted puddle of a man. I blamed his spiking virus, which likely wanted to secure an even stronger hold on me. My virus viewed him as successfully claimed, so I enjoyed his attention.
With him out for the count, I put serious work into making a plan to capture Stefan Loureni, which boiled down to dressing like a conservative secretary type, not wearing most of my makeup so he could spot me by my scars, and hanging out in the places he’d been known to meet the other victims.
Like many other killers, he liked hunting close to home and favored a coffee shop in the same building as his work. I questioned why so many assholes used coffee shops as their base of operations. Unlike my targets in Cincinnati, I expected it to take at least a few days to catch the bastard’s attention.
According to the FBI’s profiling, he took his time on his moves, although he was wise and smart enough to not dawdle too much.
I made sure I had the appropriate time off work, and I debated if I’d maintain the ruse. If I finished the job, I could find a day job I wanted to do, one that wouldn’t drive me insane. I could even enjoy a life of ease, working bounties as needed to earn my keep. I could make Sebastian give me interesting jobs, too, the kind where I investigated more than captured.
Investigating appealed to my feline nature, as I enjoyed putting my nose where it didn’t belong.
Satisfied I completed as much as I could, I caught a nap, making sure I woke up earlier than Sebastian. While he slept, I packed the room, tidied, and packed the truck. At a cheery eight in the morning, I put my lycanthrope strength to good use and dumped my lion out of bed.
He hit the floor with a startled roar.
I purred. “It’s time to go, Mr. Mane.”
Sebastian growled, and when growling didn’t give him the result he wanted, he roared at me. “Damn it, Wells!”
“I’m just saying, should I be convinced to marry you, you need to roar Wells at me. I refuse to sacrifice this because I’ve agreed to be a Sumners. You understand the power of my purrs. Should I not get my way, I will unleash the power of my sad sighs and sniffles. Some of which will be real.”
He kept growling, crawled across the floor, and wrapped himself around my legs. “You’re mine, little kitty, and you will marry me. Do not underestimate the force of an upset lion. If you don’t agree to marry me, I will be rendered unable to roar. Only happy lions roar.”
“Well played, Mr. Mane. I see you have been paying attention to my special needs. We need to check out. It is time for you to convince my family I am the happiest of lynxes. After I successfully tended to my lion’s special needs last night, I made a plan I like, I caught a nap, and I packed everything into the truck. I’m driving. I’m concerned your virus might be tapping out.”
“My virus wants me to thoroughly investigate you and make you purr.”
“I will test the amorous nature of lions in the morning once we are in Chicago.”
“I am holding you to that, Wells.”
“You have to survive my family first.”
“Your family is easy. I’ll roar at you, and I’ll allow your automated purring reaction do the arguing for me. And I’ll give you one of my best roars to maximize your purrs. I will show them my true power. I can make you purr whenever I want, but if they need a demonstration of my willingness to indulge in your person, I am a fond fan of public displays of affection.”
“Your plan stands a good chance of working,” I admitted. “My purrs are sacred.”
“I expect your days of being able to easily manipulate your family with your purrs will soon to be over, as my goal is to make your purrs so frequent they’re comfortable with yanking your chain. This will amuse me, as your reactions to having your chain yanked are often spectacular, full of hissing, and attractive to me. However, I’ll be made jealous, meaning I will have to establish my territory as soon as I get you home.”
I could live with that. “I’m going to need extra effo
rt from you if that becomes reality. All I have to do to protect my food is purr a little. Not even the kittens will take anything from my plate at that point.”
“Maybe I should be jealous and keep most of your purrs for me. They’re most magnificent purrs, and I’m a greedy, selfish lion.” Sebastian stretched, hugged my legs, and rolled to his feet, strutting to the bathroom. “I see you have picked what I’m wearing today. It’s a suit.”
“I had noticed you had it cleaned our last day at the spa, and it’s such a nice suit. I’m dressing you for my enjoyment. Also, you’re just as good in a pair of jeans, and I don’t want to murder my family for beholding your complete majesty. They can see you in jeans another time.”
“Do I have enough time for a shower?”
“If you hurry up. Don’t leave me waiting long, Mr. Mane.”
“If you join me in the shower, you won’t have to wait at all.”
I checked the time, decided we had plenty of time before checking out, and hopped into the bathroom, shedding clothes as I went. “I’m only doing this because it was a little rude of me to dump you out of bed this morning.”
“Sure, Wells. Whatever you say.”
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have warned my father I was coming over to drop off his truck and steal some other vehicle so I could head off to yet another spa. A meeting of the itty bitty kitty committee was in session, and judging from the cars, every member of my family had come. One vehicle, a car from the general looks of it, was hidden beneath a layer of sparkly red wrapping paper with a white bow.
I parked my daddy’s truck at the end of the line, grateful we’d dropped everything off at Sebastian’s home, which was located a short distance outside of Fargo.
I’d done a quick investigation of the whole place, and according to my sniff tests, he’d lived in the place long enough for his scent to permeate everything but not long enough for him to have fully settled into it.
“It looks like the entire clan has turned out to see what my father thinks is a decent vehicle for me. That is the only reason there’d be a wrapped car parked in the driveway. Not only is it parked in the driveway, it’s parked in the prime spot in the driveway.”
“The prime spot in the driveway is completely blocked in by at least twenty vehicles, Harri.”
“We’ve made moving cars into an art. That part of the driveway is paved, it doesn’t flood when it rains, it doesn’t get mud all over the car when you put it there, and it’s just prime driveway real estate.” I killed the engine, grabbed my purse, and snatched my overnight bag, which had three changes of clothes and the bare necessities. My laptop bag held my new computer and electronic toys, and it went over my shoulder, too.
I carried the prized cheese box, which would soon be emptied of cheese and sausage if I had my way in Chicago.
“They really bought you a car?”
“Well, Daddy saw my junker and got real upset about it, and I foolishly gave him everything he needed to dispose of my junker while taking the keys to his new truck…”
“Your uncle needs to be educated about moderation.”
“I’m still scared to open the other boxes.” At Sebastian’s insistence, the other boxes were in his bag so I wouldn’t try to dodge opening them. “They might be more excessive than the watch.”
“We can run away if you’re not comfortable with this.”
I shot him a glare. “I can handle this.”
“You can handle them giving you a car without trying to dodge it, telling them it’s too much, or trying to convince them you’re not worth what they’ve spent?”
The challenge in his voice ensured I would do my best to cope with any gifts given to me. “I absolutely can.”
Sebastian smirked at me. “Okay. Let’s see this in action, shall we?”
“You’re completely and totally ruthless.”
“I’m a lion. I live to win.”
“You’re stuck with me, Sumners. You have lost this game.”
“Won.”
“Definitely lost.”
“No, I definitely won. This morning, my lynx dumped me out of bed and showered with me. Then I got to feed you at a buffet. It was a slaughter. It’s also the first time I’ve ever made buffet runs for someone else and liked it. The things you’ll do for good barbecue chicken gives me ideas.”
Damned buffets. “We both won at that buffet. It’s not too far from Fargo, too. We could make a point of going now and then.”
“We could make it a weekly tradition.”
“Will our wallets survive that?”
“I’m pretty sure our wallets will survive.”
“Does putting up with you for the rest of my life mean I can quit my customer service job? I don’t want to go back to dealing with Code Red 1D10Ts, Sebastian.”
“You don’t have to deal with Code Red 1D10Ts again if you don’t want to.”
“Are there people who actually want to deal with Code Red 1D10Ts?”
“Shockingly, yes. My younger brother is one of them. He enjoys nothing more than reining in the chaos of a Code Red to a satisfactory conclusion.” Sebastian shuddered. “I ask my mother if she’s really sure he’s actually my brother sometimes.”
“Is he?”
“I am the reason I have two extra brothers now. Apparently, using that line makes my mother hunt my father. The last time I used it, my mother ended up having to care for three lions at one time. She hasn’t forgiven me for it. Two lions are enough to drive her insane, but three at once? I am the worst son she has. I’m very proud of this. I’m trying to see if I can break her so she has to tend to four lions at one time.”
“You could visit her with one or two of your brothers. Then she’d have how many lions? How many brothers do you have?”
“There are six of us, and we’re all within eight or nine years of each other except for my youngest. I pulled that when my youngest brother, at the time, was four. My current youngest brother is two.”
“Lions don’t have litters, do they?”
“Fortunately for me, the woman of the relationship tends to be the responsible party for numbers of kittens born while the man of the relationship is the responsible party for the gender. If you give it your best to make sure we have litters of kittens, I’ll give it my best to make sure we have a lot of girls.”
“You want daughters, don’t you?” I eyed Sebastian with interest. “You know daughters are flukes in lycanthropes, right?”
“I might want at least three daughters to dote on,” he confessed. “And I’m hopeful my little lynx likes children.”
“If I start trying to make you poisoned fried chicken because of pregnancy hormones, you only have yourself to blame.”
“Some risks are worth taking.”
I eyed the wrapped car. “What do you think it is? Used?”
“It’s new, probably paid for in cash. I have a pretty good idea what your uncle is currently making, and after some of the jobs he’s successfully managed, he’s pretty wealthy. He could put all of your brothers through college right now and not miss the money. I’m betting all of your brothers are too proud to accept charity, so your uncle is spoiling you because the others won’t let him spoil them.”
“Are you sure you’re not a lynx?”
“I roar. Lynxes purr. I’m fairly certain I’m actually a lion.”
“What is the appropriate reaction to being given a new car? I had trouble accepting the laptop. I don’t want to lose, but I’m not sure what to do.”
“Transform your hands into claws, rip off the paper, and rub all over the car to mark it as your territory while purring. The purring will indicate to everyone you love your new car. You rubbing all over the car to mark it as your territory is attractive to me, and I’m a selfish, greedy lion.”
“Yes, you are so selfish. Completely greedy.” I stared into his eyes, and in my driest tone, I stated, “I have never met a more selfish lion in my entire life, and I have no idea why I put up with you.”
“That’s just a consolation prize for having to put up with a lion, really. That, plus it was a reward for packing up the hotel room while you napped.”
“I recommend you go the purring route while rubbing up against the car to mark it as your territory. At the very minimum, I’ll be amused.”
“May heaven forbid if the delicate lion isn’t amused.”
“It really should be criminal, yes. This world exists for me to rule it. I’m doing a fairly good job on the ruling front.”
“You can’t be a ruler if you have a boss. And if your boss has a boss, you’re definitely not a ruler.”
“I have to have obtainable goals for the future, else I would become a bored ruler of the world. This is how I fill the moments I’m not spending pursuing you for my nefarious plans.”
“I expect any dresses you put me into to be classy and protect my modesty.”
“You have modesty?”
“Yes. I know modesty is a difficult concept for lions to understand, but I’m sure you’ll learn with time.”
“This is like being humble or displaying humility, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“If I were meant to fly, I would have wings, Wells. Do I look like I have wings to you?”
Shaking my head, I headed for the porch, and as expected, a herd of my brothers stampeded through the front door. I set my bags and my precious cheese box down on the porch swing. “Don’t mess up his mane or his suit. I’m keeping that lion, and he needs to be in good condition. He’s taking me to Chicago for a week. I’m taking more time off. It’s his turn to spoil me at a spa.”