Murder Mittens

by R. J. Blain

  My brothers eyed Sebastian, who followed me onto the porch and armed himself with his best smile.

  My poor brothers. Within ten minutes, Sebastian would have them questioning their sexuality. They’d be jealous of me, who would keep the lion. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. “I have noticed there is a car-shaped package parked in the best spot. Is that the offering so I can give Daddy his truck back?”

  My twin brothers shoved through the gathering of tall, generally handsome lynxes, and I braced for an onslaught of affection. They delivered, and I got a double dose of brotherly nuzzling before they joined the rest of my brothers in glaring at Sebastian.

  The lion chuckled. “I’m not going to stop her from visiting at her whim, and you might even get me to bring her over at my whim instead of hers. I’m a lion, which means I enjoy large, boisterous family affairs, so we would be frequent visitors. Just don’t mess up this suit. Your sister took away my other clothes so I’d wear it for her.”

  “It’s true, I did. Lions are fairly lazy in the mornings, so I can make the clothes I don’t like disappear. I picked the suit today. He made it himself. Is the present shaped like a car in the prime parking spot for me? If it is, I need to go mark it as my territory before the lion does. Establishing territory is important to lions.”

  Then, because I had more than one reason to be happy, I bounced on my toes and began with my softest purr, the one I used when in a state of anticipation, a rare enough occurrence my brothers focused on me instead of on my lion.

  One of my brothers turned and shouted, “Dad, Harri’s purring because she’s hoping that car is hers. Can she unwrap it now? If she can’t unwrap it, the purrs will become whines.”

  Only Hugh got so upset when I whined, he tried to prevent the whining before I started. Harvey waited for the whining to begin before getting upset.

  I kept bouncing and purring, waiting for my parents to show up. Within a few minutes, they did, and my father tossed me a gift box wrapped in blue paper. “You haven’t even seen it yet, and you’re already out here purring like a little idiot?”

  My daddy sounded rather pleased I was purring like a little idiot, and I wasted no time spinning around and diving off the porch to play with my new car. I made it three steps before Sebastian caught me by the waist and hauled me in. To keep me from struggling too much, he lifted me off my feet and tucked me against his side while I dangled off his arm. “Open the box in your hands first, Harri. Then, if there’s an alarm system, disable the alarm. Then, and only then, begin tearing the paper off. You might get overly excited in your effort to mark the vehicle as yours and set the alarm off.”

  I should have stopped purring, but I tore into the box, tossed the paper aside, and found a jewelry gift box. I cracked it open to find two car fobs and matching key rings decorated with a gemstone-encrusted lynx and a lion. “Lion!” I twisted around and contorted in my effort to show Sebastian the lion charm. “We each got one.” I checked again, and the second set was enamel instead of covered with stones. “A more masculine one for you, one covered in bling for me.”

  Sebastian chuckled, took the fob with the enamel charms, and pressed the unlock button on the fob twice. The wrapped car beeped. He released me. “Now that you won’t accidentally set off the alarm, go play with your present.”

  I almost dropped the keys, which Sebastian rescued before I tore off and grabbed for the paper. It put up a fight, and I hissed at it before settling in to wage war against my opponent.

  Some cruel, evil entity had trapped my gift with confetti, which erupted every which way when I tore through the first layer. Confetti beat glitter, but the scraps of paper spilled everywhere, revealing another layer.

  Someone had wrapped my car up with duct tape. I admired their work, which would require my claws to get into. Did I use my full lynx form or my hybrid form? I debated, opted for the path of least resistance, and transformed my right hand into a claw-wielding paw. The duct tape would die at my hand, but I had to do so in such a way I didn’t damage the car beneath.

  Only an idiot purred at the challenge the silvery tape presented, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “I have noticed she really appreciates whenever someone puts in any effort whatsoever on her behalf,” Sebastian said with laughter in his voice. “She meant to say thank you for the watch, as she really likes it. It took her the entire week to work up the nerve to wear it, as she’s terrified of breaking it. The cheese box might be her favorite possession, and I count myself fortunate she lets me touch it.”

  My twin brothers laughed loud enough I paused in my planning to regard them with interest. Hugh said, “The box was us. She has some serious problems with catnip, so we wanted to give her some, but the good catnip-infused cheeses go rancid really fast if they’re left out, so we got the box. The watch came from the rest of the litters, although we chipped in, too. The car is from all of us. We started saving up when you stopped letting us buy you things for Christmas or your birthday, Harri.”

  Sneaky bastards. “How long has that been, anyway?”

  “You were ten,” Harvey informed me. “Mom and Dad helped us do it, and we gave you the one present we forced you to accept each year to cover our clandestine activities. We increased how much we put away as we got older, and every time we got something nice, our uncles contributed to our fund, too. When we found out you were going to the spa, we went over our finances and started buying the gifts. We weren’t expecting you to actually let Dad get rid of your junker, so we had to improvise, but we managed.”

  I stared at Sebastian, as I had no idea what to do.

  “Purr, wage war with the wrapping job, purr some more, and rub up against the car once you’ve gotten to see what it is while purring,” he suggested. “Mostly, just purr. Once you get the purring out of your system, you can indulge in hugging or whatever else you see fit. If you’re that happy, you can even cry, just make sure you purr while you do so to mitigate any alarm and concern. It’s all right if you’re purring.”

  My brothers stared at Sebastian with their mouths hanging open.

  “What?”

  “You have her figured out?” Harvey demanded.

  “I’ve turned making her purr into an art.”

  Well, I couldn’t argue with that, so I shrugged. “It’s true. He’s trained me to purr on demand, basically. I like his roars so much I just start purring when he does it. I tried to act all fierce and pretend I don’t actually purr whenever he roars, so he got in my face, roared at me, and waited. I purred like an idiot. I have no more feline pride. It’s dead, so I may as well purr. What use is there for dignity?” I investigated the bottom of the car to discover it had been wrapped in paper and duct tape, too. “How much tape did you use on this thing?”

  “Why don’t you come on in and have a drink, Sebastian?” my father invited. “Harri will be at it for a while. Her mother’s making some fried chicken.”

  Poor Sebastian. I hoped he survived. “You make it sound like I’m going to be here for a long while, Dad. Like hours.”

  “You have how many brothers? They all wanted a turn with your present. Good luck and have fun. I’ll take care of your lion, and I won’t let your brothers beat him. If you need help, give a shout.”

  “Do you love or hate me?” I asked, wondering what sort of fresh hell I would discover underneath the layer of duct tape.

  “We love making you hate us,” my father replied. “Come along, Sebastian. I’m sure one of her brothers will keep an eye on her, and even if they don’t, we set up cameras to capture the entire unwrapping process, which we can watch and savor at our leisure.”

  “You could at least watch my suffering in real time!”

  “We’ll check in on you every now and then,” he promised before taking my lion into the house.

  I truly had the best father.

  Twelve

  I could help you lick that off.

  Beneath the duct tape was glitter, but it wasn�
��t just glitter. It was glitter made of sugar, making certain my family’s terrible idea of a joke wouldn’t damage the environment. Underneath the glitter, someone had gotten the idea to use chains linked together with padlocks, zip ties, and silicon, creating an iron barricade separating me from my new car. To add to the fun, the keys were trapped in balls of cured silicon, which had been left in several plastic baggies in the layer of glitter, which covered the prized parking spot and would attract every ant in the state.

  I stopped counting after twenty padlocks. A heavy cloth cover protected my car from the chains, and judging from the wheels, which I could finally spot, I owned a car that lacked hub cabs, as it had mags instead.

  Sexy, sexy mags.

  I spent a solid thirty minutes stroking the wheels on my new car, wondering what sort of pretty vehicle waited underneath the cover protecting it from my brothers and their horrible sense of humor.

  Sebastian chuckled from somewhere behind me. “Have you been purring the entire time, or do those tires make you that happy?”

  “They’re mags, Sebastian.”

  “They’re nice mags, too.” Crouching beside me, he pointed at the brakes, which were a vibrant cherry red. “It wouldn’t surprise me if your car is that color. Some manufacturers make kits so their detailing matches from fender to fender, including the visible brakes. The shape tells me they went all in. Are you aware you’re covered in glitter?”

  “It’s not just glitter. It’s sugar that has been turned into glitter. I got a bunch on my face, and I got a taste, and well, it’s sugar.”

  “I could help you lick that off,” the lion rumbled.

  I held up the ball of silicon. “I have at least ten more of these to get through, but I have no problems with attempting to embarrass my family. You can make sure I’m clean after I free my new car from its prison. I’ll show you the shower, which is actually pretty nice because most of the litters want to shower together when they’re younger. My family deserves to be embarrassed after subjecting me to a bunch of silicon balls holding the keys to the padlocks hostage.”

  Chuckling, Sebastian headed to the porch, and I watched him with interest. When he got to the front door, he regarded my twin brothers and held out his hand. “Keys, please. My little lynx is resorting to stroking the tires because she can’t get to the rest of it.”

  To my utter astonishment, my brothers handed over a collection of keys, which my lion brought to me. “That’s the funny thing about a good prank, Harri. When it stops being fun and becomes frustrating, the considerate offer a somewhat easy out. You’ll have to figure out which key goes to what, but now you can progress.”

  Huh. My lion could work miracles. “How did you even know to do that?”

  “These padlocks always come with two keys, and there’s only one in that ball, which told me the second key was somewhere safe, in case you couldn’t get to that one.”

  “You are such a smart lion. I knew there was a reason outside of your roars to keep you around.” I went to work matching keys with locks, and Sebastian helped me get through the zip ties and silicon with some help from his pocketknife. “I wasn’t that frustrated. I was just taking a break, and I could see the tire, so I started petting it. And then it seemed like a lot of work, so I kept petting it. My new car has mags, Sebastian. Usually, I just have tires without hub caps because when I buy the junker, it’s so junked it doesn’t even come with them.”

  “There will be a rule in our household. All cars must either have all of its hub cabs or mags, and any vehicle new to us cannot have more than one percent rust on the entire vehicle.”

  “I’d have to buy new for that here.”

  “I know.”

  I considered him through narrowed eyes. “This is what you meant by you are spoiled, isn’t it?”

  “In part.”

  “Is this revenge for having left them for an entire week?”

  “If it is, I’m curious to see what they do to you for leaving them for another week. Maybe you should contact your boss and see if I can spoil you in some other city at a spa.”

  “Can I quit?” I set the unlocked padlocks in a pile on the ground. “If I quit, and I get two more weeks of spa time, this sounds like a good idea to me. But then I’ll have to mooch off you while I look for a saner job.” I wiggled under my new car to get to one of the padlocks, discovering several small, wrapped presents that’d fallen out of the glitter trap. “Oh! More presents. Sebastian, come take these for me, and put them with my box, please. My car seems to be boobytrapped with gifts.”

  “How odd. Your car is showering you with gifts now. It must be that excited to be going home with you. I wish my car gave me presents when I crawled under it. It just gives me a hard time.”

  “Do you even have a car? You cabbed to meet me.” I handed over the five boxes, two of which were shaped liked books, and resumed freeing my car from its prison.

  “I do, but it’s scheduled to go to the great car graveyard, as it has reached the end of its days. And with you coming home with me, it’s time for a better vehicle anyway. You can help me pick one.”

  “I’m unqualified to help shop for a new car, but if you’re looking for a rust bucket you can strangle to death over the course of a few years, I’m your woman.”

  “I’m sure you can be taught the wonders of car shopping, even if you follow me around the lot while I argue with myself for hours over which one is the perfect one. Lions need perfect cars. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  While Sebastian put my new presents in safe keeping, I wiggled deeper under the vehicle to reach the final two padlocks. When the chains finally fell away, sugar and confetti rained down on me along with several more boxes. “I see a bunch of dead cats!” I yowled. “You will all perish for this, you evil, wicked felines. Sebastian, kill them all.”

  “No,” Sebastian replied, and he crouched nearby. “Your car gave you more presents. Hand them over. One of your brothers informed me there should be seven in total from that batch.”

  I groped through the sea of sugar and confetti for the boxes, and after a few minutes, I located all seven, and I passed them to the lion. “There’s wrapping paper under the cloth thing.”

  “That’s a canvas car tarp, meant to protect your vehicle’s paint when it’s parked and not in use, especially if you happen to park beneath a rowdy tree.”

  “Those damned trees, turning their sexual exploits into public events.” I tore at the wrapping paper to expose the undercarriage of my new baby. “There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I see car parts!”

  “How fancy. Let me go put your presents somewhere safe. They’re probably expecting you to open these after you finish purring over your car. Try not to get into trouble without me.”

  I liked he wanted to get into trouble with me, and I crawled around the car, freeing it from its paper prison. Once certain there were no more surprises underneath the vehicle, I escaped to discover three of my older brothers, the entirety of the first litter, had come to pay me a visit. One of them held a bucket.

  “What’s that?” I demanded.

  “Water, which I intend to fling all over you should you stop purring for our enjoyment upon revealing your present.” As they were triplets and had bothered to coordinate their clothing, I had zero chance of identifying if I spoke to Alan, Alex, or Andrew.

  I scowled at my eldest brothers. “That’s coercion!”

  “We need to hear your purrs.”

  For fuck’s sake. “What is it with you? You don’t need to. That’s ridiculous. And anyway, you heard me purr earlier! And I purred for at least thirty minutes while I worked on the first layer of the car trap.”

  “We need to hear you purr,” my brothers chorused.

  “I can’t just purr on demand.”

  Sebastian laughed from the porch and returned. “You do for me, Harri.”

  Damn it. “I purr under very specific conditions. Anticipation on seeing my new car is one of those conditions, although I�
��m reserving my purrs for once I actually get this stuff off without damaging the paint. A certain lion roaring might result in a purr.”

  “Would you like me to roar for you, my little lynx?”

  “As I don’t want to get a bucket of water thrown all over me so I become wet and sticky, yes.”

  The lion frowned and narrowed his eyes. “I’m not sure which side I’m supposed to be on right now. There are a lot of benefits to you being wet and sticky.”

  Damn. My lion was a pervert. “I might catch a cold if I get wet.” Lycanthropes rarely got colds, but I had a track record of getting them, although I usually flirted with illness at the end of my mating season. I blamed my inability to hunt men. Would Sebastian put an end to my yearly colds? I hoped so. And if he didn’t, I bet he’d bring me soup so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. “I get one or two every year, and it sucks. You don’t want to deal with that.”

  Sebastian looked me over head to toe before he turned to my brothers. “Use a hose. A bucket might not get the job done sufficiently. If she catches a cold, I get to call in and work from home to care for my little lynx, as nobody wants to deal with a moody lion upset he can’t take care of his little lynx at home.”

  Traitors surrounded me, although the one roared nicely. “You are such a lion.”

  “I am. I really am.”

  With a smile and a shrug, my traitor brother shrugged and tossed the bucket my way, hitting me in the face with it. I sighed and took it, spluttering and spitting water out. “Thanks, asshole. I don’t even know which asshole you are, but the entirety of the first litter falls for this, as you bastards are the first litter.”

  The asshole with the bucket snickered. “I am Alan, the eldest ruler of the Wells litters, and you will get the hose if you fail to purr for us. One day, you might remember which one I am. One day.”

  “You already gave me the bucket. I do not need the hose. And anyway, how am I supposed to tell you three apart? You’re identical triplets. Identical triples. At least I knew which litter you’re from. That’s good for me.”