The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

A few days later, driving away from the same imposing structure, Siddhant laughed at how much it didn’t feel like home anymore. He had a strange love–hate relationship with his profession. And he quite conveniently blamed the bad days on his family – his overachieving parents and elder brother, all of whom were exceptional surgeons, and this had left him with only one career path.

  It was especially easy to blame them on this particular day given the exhaustion he was feeling following his shift, on top of which his parents were on the phone, asking him questions about his career plans. The Bluetooth speakers surrounding him made their presence eerily real in his car.

  ‘Oh, don’t you go following that man’s footsteps. Lunatic – that’s what that Mehta is,’ his mother said. ‘There are plenty of other doctors in that hospital better suited to provide you mentorship. I’ll talk to someone and set up a meeting.’

  ‘Maa, I don’t need you to do that!’ Siddhant protested. ‘Thank you, but I don’t need mentorship—’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous; you’re a surgical resident. Of course you need mentorship!’ his mother said in a reprimanding tone. ‘Good mentorship can and will change your entire career. Surely, you cannot be too arrogant to think that you don’t need help at this very early stage of your career?’

  ‘Of course not! That’s not what I meant. I just meant I don’t need your connections at the hospital to mentor me. This place has been my entire life for almost a decade now – I have my own connections.’

  ‘Well, if that’s the argument you’re choosing, then that hospital was our life for over three decades!’ his mother retorted. Then, in a lower voice, she said, ‘Isn’t that right? Tell your son!’

  ‘Your mother is right,’ Siddhant’s father spoke reluctantly. He rarely participated in their arguments, happy to be an innocent bystander until called upon as a witness.

  ‘Yes, but you don’t understand – I have actual relationships with the doctors here. Real … for the lack of a better word, chemistry. Do you really expect me to randomly pick someone to mentor me based on their relationship with my parents?’ Siddhant asked.

  ‘Chemistry? Chemistry? We’re talking about your career here. Oh, goodness, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.’ His mother’s tone was, as usual, exasperated and defeated.

  Siddhant didn’t say a word. There was no reasoning with her. She was an extremely stubborn woman, used to getting her way – which helped her tremendously in her career, but as a mother, not so much. When she was in one of her moods, and wanted something to happen a certain way, arguing with her was pointless. She would nitpick and deliberate on the smallest, most insignificant detail, which would make the other person look like an idiot. Siddhant had spent a lifetime trying to live up to her expectations and follow her wishes, but the fact was that no matter how hard he tried, it was never enough for her. Over time, he had stopped trying to impress her. He simply listened to her wishes, and then did what he thought was right, regardless of whether it would please her or not.

  ‘Well?’ she prodded.

  Siddhant took a deep breath and said in a calm voice, ‘What do you want me to say? I know you want me to train under Dr Patel, but he’s a neurosurgeon, and I need more time to decide if that’s the route I want to take. For now, I think it’s best if I learn everything, which is why I think Dr Mehta is the right fit for me. As a general surgeon, he can teach me a lot, and he actually likes me. We have a great professional relationship, and it’s the one I want to build, for my career.’

  ‘It sounds like your mind is made up.’

  Siddhant sensed disappointment in her tone but he refused to dwell on it. ‘Yes. Yes, it is,’ he said finally.

  ‘Fine, then do what you want. I can’t believe you don’t know what specialty you want to pursue yet. Your brother knew what he wanted to do from the very beginning.’

  ‘Maa.’ That’s all Siddhant could say.

  ‘I think that’s enough,’ his dad interjected sternly. ‘People find their paths at their own pace, and we’d rather you took your time and made the choice that’s right for you than jump into something rashly and regret it later.’

  There was a silence, followed by some whispering.

  ‘Agreed,’ his mom relented.

  After that, they asked him how he was doing, to which he responded vaguely. He knew full well that they didn’t really want to know details; they were just fulfilling what they believed was an obligation. His mother didn’t have a lot of patience for small talk and her agitation was thinly veiled; Siddhant could sense her eagerness to end the call. His mother was a brilliant woman and an accomplished surgeon, but she was seriously lacking in warmth and sensitivity – not what you want from your mother, but it came as no surprise to him. A lifetime of training had taught him to manage his expectations in order to not get his feelings hurt.

  His parents had worked at AIIMS their entire careers, up until a few years ago, when they had moved to Germany to join a medical research project. They later invited Siddhant’s older brother, Deepanshu, to join the project, but he was more interested in his surgical career and decided to stay in Delhi. Deepanshu eventually left AIIMS to join a private hospital in Mumbai. Siddhant suspected that he moved because he was trying to build a career separate from their parents’, for which he couldn’t blame Deepanshu.

  By the time Siddhant got home, he had replayed the conversation with his parents in his mind many times more than prescribed. His head was bursting with retorts he came up with too late and now had to keep to himself. He felt far too agitated by this negative energy that was coursing through his veins.

  When he walked into his bedroom, he was pleasantly surprised to find Akriti there. She was standing by the window, looking outside. A big smile appeared on Siddhant’s face, and his pace quickened as he approached her.

  ‘Oh, good. I’m so glad you’re here tonight!’ he said. He put his arms around her from behind and kissed her shoulder. ‘You won’t believe the conversation I just had with my parents. The things my mom said to me … It’s stuff you would think about twice even before thinking it, but she just says it like it’s nothing. And my dad just sits there and lets her bully me, like always. I thought things would change once they moved to Europe and there was some distance between us, but nope. I’m still just as much of a disappointment. I wish I hadn’t taken his call in the first place.’

  Akriti suddenly pushed Siddhant away, taking him by surprise. She spun around to look at him, her eyebrows arched in fury, as if he had just committed an unforgivable crime.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he asked, completely baffled by her reaction.

  ‘How can you say that? To me, of all people!’ Akriti asked venomously.

  ‘Say what? What did I say to make you so mad …?’

  ‘I would give anything to talk to my dad again.’ Akriti’s voice was cold. She hid her face in her hands and turned away from Siddhant. ‘Just once … if I could talk to him just once …’

  Siddhant stood frozen on his spot, retracing his words. He’d been complaining about his parents, and he said he wished he hadn’t taken his dad’s call … The moment he realized what he’d done wrong, his face became warm with embarrassment.

  ‘Crap, I’m sorry,’ he said hurriedly. ‘That was very insensitive of me. I didn’t think about … I’m so sorry. That was super dumb of me.’ He tried to hold her but Akriti pushed him away.

  ‘Don’t act all cute with me now. I’m serious.’

  ‘I am too! I really am sorry I was so insensitive. I shouldn’t have said that.’

  For the second time that evening Siddhant felt like a child who had just been reproached. He stared at the back of Akriti’s head and waited for her to say something.

  ‘It’s okay,’ Akriti said finally, in a quiet voice.

  ‘It was an honest mistake.’

  ‘I know. It’s okay.’

  Siddhant squeezed her hand, and she let him, which he took as a good sign. ‘Tell you what – let�
�s go out, get a drink. I’ve had a long day, and we’ve been spending too much time cooped up inside. Let’s go out for a couple of hours, get out of our own heads. What do you say?’

  ‘I don’t feel like going out …’

  ‘Oh, come on! It’ll be a nice change. We’ll have fun, I promise,’ Siddhant insisted. ‘Please? Just for one drink?’

  ‘You just don’t get it, do you?’ Akriti spat, the venom returning in her tone. ‘I’m not in the fun kind of mood right now. God, you’re so completely clueless sometimes. You can’t just come in and say all that – and then make everything okay just by apologizing and getting a drink. That’s not how it works. I’m not a robot.’

  With that, Akriti grabbed her handbag from his bed and stormed out. Siddhant, who was too shocked to protest, watched her slam the door behind her, feeling worse than he had all day.

  Chapter 6

  Siddhant tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, absently humming the theme song of Game of Thrones. He had only been waiting ten minutes, but he was beginning to perspire – not the best start to the evening, which involved socializing with Akriti’s friends at a loud, sweaty bar in Hauz Khas Village. He turned the AC on and picked up his phone.

  He wanted to ask Akriti how much longer she would be, but didn’t, worried that he might end up annoying her. He’d been on thin ice around her the past week; sometimes his mere existence seemed to annoy her. He wished he had a clue as to what he had done wrong, but asking her made her even madder, so he refrained.

  After ten more minutes of waiting in the car, Siddhant saw Akriti finally emerge from her building. She was wearing a straight, long dress that was either black or a shade of navy so dark that it looked black under the dim street light. He got out of the car to greet her.

  ‘You look very pretty,’ Siddhant said, smiling warmly.

  She allowed him a hug and half a smile before making her way to the passenger seat, her feathery earrings dangling all the way down to her shoulders. Siddhant got back in the car and pulled out of the parking.

  The atmosphere in the car was tense. If he hadn’t had such a great day at the hospital, he would’ve been more bothered by Akriti’s sour mood. But given that he’d worked on three very perfectly executed surgeries in the past twelve hours, he had adrenaline rushing through his veins, keeping him buoyant.

  ‘So, catch me up – you said it’s your friend Smriti’s birthday?’ Siddhant asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you know her from …?’

  ‘School.’

  ‘Okay. Is there going to be anyone there that I know?’ Siddhant asked, bearing the weight of this one-sided conversation.

  ‘Ashok.’

  ‘Ashok,’ Siddhant muttered, thinking about it. ‘Doesn’t trigger anything … Can you remind me?’

  Akriti pursed her lips and sighed loudly, as if he was the dumbest person on the planet. ‘He came by the hospital once? He was there to visit a friend but dropped by to say hi to us?’

  ‘Oh, right. I remember now. In the cafeteria,’ Siddhant said.

  ‘Yes. Ashok is Smriti’s boyfriend, so he’s going to be there for sure. And then there are a bunch of people you’ll be meeting for the first time. It’s about time,’ Akriti said.

  Siddhant didn’t read much into her last comment, and said instead, ‘Great! I’m excited to meet your friends.’

  They spent the rest of their drive listening to music ranging from bad to obscene. Frustrated by the quality of the music, Akriti kept changing the radio channels furiously. Siddhant stayed out of it. When they reached Hauz Khas Village at last, he was relieved not to have to witness the battle between Akriti and the radio channels any longer.

  Weirdly enough, even though this unexpected and undesirable battle had somewhat dampened Siddhant’s enthusiasm, he found comfort in the fact that Akriti’s bad mood wasn’t a result of something he had said or done. This was evidence that her general annoyance in life wasn’t originating from him, so he shouldn’t take it personally. Everybody had bad days, and since her bad day wasn’t caused by him, he could try and make it better.

  As they walked towards the Village from the parking lot, Siddhant racked his brain for something sweet he could do that would make her smile, or something funny that would make her laugh. Maybe at the bar, he could have the waiter bring out a special cocktail or dessert for her, with a note from him? That would be cute. She’d probably like that, unless she thought it was too cheesy in front of her friends. Hmm.

  To begin with, he grabbed her hand as they walked towards the bar. Surprised, she glanced at him. He shot her a quick smile, but no sooner had he turned back towards the road than he immediately froze in his tracks.

  Maahi.

  Akriti stopped as well, looking up at him questioningly, but he barely registered anything. His brain refused to work. He couldn’t bring his legs to move. He hadn’t seen Maahi since they had broken up a year ago. She was wearing a very loose yellow t-shirt and jeans and had two cartons carefully tucked under her left arm.

  He watched as Maahi stopped, readjusted the cartons under her arm and pulled out her phone from the back pocket of her jeans. She squeezed the phone between her ear and her right shoulder awkwardly and resumed walking. He heard her surprised ‘What?’ from a distance. His heart leapt to his throat. He hadn’t heard her voice in so long …

  Their relationship had ended on reasonably good terms. There was no bad blood between them, and they had blamed everything on timing. By implication, things between them might have worked out in a different moment in time.

  What they hadn’t decided was whether they would remain friends and continue talking to each other. As it turned out, the night of their break-up was the last time they had seen each other … until now.

  In the past year, Siddhant had wondered, on occasion, if their paths would ever cross – since they lived in the same city – and how he would feel and behave if and when that happened. However, now that it had, his brain had been rendered completely useless.

  ‘Sid?’

  He heard Akriti’s voice, as if through a fog, pulling him back to the present. What had seemed like years had in reality only been a few seconds – he could still recover from this, without making a complete fool of himself. He was caught off guard, that’s all.

  ‘Yes, sorry,’ he mumbled and resumed walking, towing Akriti along with him.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘It’s nothing …’ He kept walking, feeling wildly unprepared to talk to Maahi again. He’d tried so hard for so long to forget about her.

  ‘Someone you know?’ she asked, her eyes darting from Siddhant to Maahi suspiciously.

  There was no point trying to avoid the conversation. He knew Akriti enough to know that she wasn’t going to let this go. ‘Yes … yeah, it’s Maahi.’

  Just as he said her name, Maahi turned towards them. For a second, her gaze went right past them, then returned to rest on Siddhant. As recognition settled in, her mouth opened slightly, and her eyes shifted to Akriti.

  By then, Akriti had pulled Siddhant to her and they were standing face-to-face with Maahi.

  ‘Call you in a bit,’ Maahi said into her phone and shoved it back in her pocket. She smiled hesitantly. ‘Hi, Siddhant.’

  Her voice flooded him with a thousand memories that he tried to push away one by one. He pushed back the flurry of emotions rising within him and nodded mechanically. ‘Hi, Maahi.’

  It was a strange moment. Neither of them seemed to know what to do, so they just stood there, looking at each other. Maahi broke away first, her eyes lowering and falling on his hand, holding Akriti’s. Then she looked away, half her face hiding behind her cap. Siddhant felt his entire body become warm. He couldn’t process it; it was all so sudden. Akriti was clinging to him in ownership, Maahi looked thrown, he probably looked thrown too. Where do they go from here? What was he supposed to say?

  ‘Hi,’ Akriti said suddenly, brightly. ‘I’m Akriti. Sid’s girlfrie
nd.’

  ‘I’m Maahi. Nice to meet you,’ she said evenly. He had to hand it to her – she looked unfazed, even warm, as she took Akriti’s outstretched hand.

  ‘So, what are you up to tonight?’ Akriti asked, her voice more cheerful than he’d heard in a week. He felt sick. He didn’t want to be a part of this, pretending that they were old friends.

  ‘Just dropping off some inventory. We were short at this shop, so I brought some over from our other shop. We run a couple of bakeries, my friend and I,’ Maahi explained to Akriti.

  ‘Bakeries?’ Akriti raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Yes. We’re called Cookies + Cupcakes. It’s a – well, the name’s self-explanatory.’ Maahi laughed light-heartedly, glancing at Siddhant for a split second before fixing her gaze firmly on Akriti again.

  ‘How cute!’ Akriti sneered. ‘Good for you.’

  ‘Thanks. We love it.’ A small frown appeared on Maahi’s forehead, but she otherwise didn’t reveal any sign of distress over Akriti’s behaviour.

  ‘I’m a neurosurgeon,’ Akriti volunteered. Siddhant turned to look at Akriti, who continued, ‘At AIIMS. With Siddhant – that’s where we met. We’re both surgical residents.’

  ‘That’s awesome,’ Maahi said. A smile of genuine happiness stretched across her face as she looked at Siddhant. ‘So, you found your calling, Siddhant? Neurosurgery?’

  ‘Not exactly, not yet,’ Siddhant said, remembering the countless conversations he’d had with Maahi about his interests and career path. ‘It’s a real possibility, but for now I’m still trying out a few different specialties.’

  ‘But are you liking it? The residency?’

  ‘Of course he is. We both are. It’s meaningful work,’ Akriti said pointedly, before Siddhant could respond. ‘People don’t become surgeons just by chance. And when you do something with deliberation and dedication – it pays off. Right, Sid?’

  ‘Yes, Akriti, but I don’t think Maahi was questioning that,’ Siddhant said mildly. Their run-in was becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

  ‘I just wanted to know how you were doing.’ Maahi looked from Siddhant to Akriti, looking partly confused, partly suspicious.