The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  ‘He’s doing great,’ Akriti said. She teamed her words with an ear to ear smile, looking up dreamily at Siddhant. She put an arm around him and placed the other hand on his chest.

  Her open palm on his chest made Siddhant even more uncomfortable. Was it weird that the first time she was making physical contact like this with him was in front of his ex? That too when all day, she had barely said one kind word to him? ‘I’m doing well,’ he answered for himself. ‘And yes, I’m liking the residency program. How have you been?’

  ‘Good, good. We opened another store. Here in Hauz Khas.’ Maahi motioned to the cartons she was holding as explanation. ‘It’s a lot of work, keeps us pretty busy, but we’re not complaining.’

  ‘Wow, congratulations on the new store. That’s big!’

  ‘Thanks, we’re working on some very exciting projects, currently on the down low. I’m not sure I should start telling people yet … just keeping our fingers crossed.’

  ‘Fair enough, I won’t ask,’ Siddhant said. ‘How’s Laila?’

  ‘Awesome, as always! She’s actually in Patna right now, visiting her family. So, extra work for me. Yay.’ Maahi looked down at the cartons again.

  ‘Okay … we’ll let you carry on then,’ Siddhant said, following her gaze.

  ‘Yes, we have a party to go to, over at Mia Bella. We really must go,’ Akriti said, checking her watch.

  ‘That sounds fun.’ Maahi smiled at them. ‘It was nice seeing you guys.’

  ‘Same here!’ Akriti said.

  Siddhant smiled back, not knowing what to do with himself. They had just spoken to each other as if they were mere acquaintances who had once gone to college together, or known each other vaguely through mutual friends. Nothing about Maahi’s behaviour suggested that his sudden appearance had had any kind of emotional effect on her. Either she was good at hiding her feelings, or she genuinely wasn’t affected. He hoped he’d come across as unaffected as her, even though that was miles from how he truly felt.

  Maahi walked away from them, after shooting a final good-natured smile in their direction. He watched her for a second, before becoming aware of Akriti’s eyes on him. There was nothing to do but let her drag him away, clinging to his arm like two people had never been more in love.

  As soon as Maahi was out of sight, Akriti loosened her grip on Siddhant’s arm and turned to him, saying quietly, ‘She seemed nice.’

  It was a statement, not a question, but Siddhant knew that he had to watch his response. ‘Mm-hm,’ he murmured noncommittally.

  ‘Cookies and Cupcakes though.’ Akriti laughed. ‘Wow, I guess some people really don’t look for meaning or fulfilment in their work, do they?’

  Siddhant had a strong urge to respond to that, but he kept his mouth shut – not because of what he wanted to say, but because of who it was about. It would surely become a ‘thing’, and he didn’t want to get into yet another thing with Akriti.

  ‘Oh my God! You don’t buy into it, do you?’ Akriti persisted. ‘Please tell me you don’t think it’s “aww, so cute” what she’s doing!’

  ‘I don’t think that’s her intention,’ Siddhant said finally.

  ‘Really? So, you’re saying that’s her true passion? The thing she’s best at in life?’

  ‘Akriti, stop.’

  ‘No, seriously? Baking cookies? That’s her special talent?’ Akriti smirked.

  ‘Undermining someone’s work isn’t my style,’ Siddhant said firmly, choosing his words very carefully. ‘Different things make different people happy, and I’m not one to judge someone else for their passion. You know too little about Maahi to pass any kind of judgement.’

  ‘Wow. Are you serious right now? You’re taking your ex-girlfriend’s side?’ Akriti rounded on him, as if he’d said something utterly absurd. They were standing at the bottom of the staircase leading to the bar.

  ‘I’m not taking any sides! I’m simply saying that we shouldn’t be bothered by someone else’s profession. How does it affect us, in any way at all?’

  ‘But why does it bother you so much if I talk about her—?’

  ‘It’s not about her. No work is small, and judging people by their choice of profession is not something I’m interested in. That’s all I’m saying.’ Siddhant stood his ground. He saw a few people approaching them purposefully. ‘Are they your friends?’ he asked, lowering his voice.

  ‘What?’ Akriti asked, turning around to look at them. ‘Yes.’ She added in an angry whisper, ‘You’re a surgeon for God’s sake! How can you even say with a straight face that baking is as important as—?’

  ‘Can we please drop this?’ Siddhant said. ‘Your friends are here.’

  Within seconds, Akriti’s friends were greeting them with handshakes and hugs, which put enough distance between the two of them to prevent the conversation from continuing. Siddhant was grateful, but he wasn’t fooled for one second – this wasn’t the last of it.

  And sure enough, Akriti spent the rest of the evening aloof and distant from him. This put Siddhant in an awkward position, since she was the only person he knew there. She wasn’t outright mean to him in front of her friends, but he essentially spent the evening very aware of how displeased she was with him.

  He contemplated for a second if he wanted to do the special flower or dessert thing for her, but he suspected that it would not only be a wasted effort, but she would also take it as an apology or an admission of guilt on his part, and that will become a whole another thing he didn’t want to deal with.

  Instead, he let Akriti fume. For the first time, he didn’t care that he was making her unhappy. She was clearly in the wrong. Maahi had been nothing but pleasant to them in what Akriti was intent on making a very unpleasant encounter for all of them. He also didn’t like how she had placed her hand on his chest or how she was clinging to him when they walked away – neither of those things were natural to them, or something they’d ever done before. Akriti had used him, in whatever ego game she had been playing with Maahi, and he didn’t appreciate that kind of treatment. He also had no interest in putting on a show to hurt others or prove a false point.

  And Maahi … Siddhant tried not to think about her. Their meeting had been so sudden, and had ended so fast – he was still reeling in its impact. He put it out of his mind as he smiled at something one of Akriti’s friends said. But no matter how hard he tried, there was one thing he couldn’t forget – the look in Maahi’s eyes when she saw Akriti’s hand on his chest.

  It was only there for a second, that look of pain. But then it was gone, to be replaced by a friendly, carefully plastered smile. Was he sure it was pain? Could it just be surprise, shock or embarrassment because he caught her looking, or something else? Maybe he’d imagined it altogether.

  Chapter 7

  Siddhant didn’t have to wait long to find out how Akriti felt about their run-in with Maahi. After spending an entire evening appearing stand-offish, drinking too much and shooting Siddhant hurt glances as if he was the reason behind all her unhappiness, Akriti asked him about Maahi as soon as they parted ways from her friends and got in the car.

  ‘When were you going to tell me about her?’

  Siddhant was in no mood to discount her behaviour. ‘Fasten your seat belt, please,’ he said in a quiet voice.

  Akriti ignored his request and continued, ‘Answer me.’

  ‘I won’t start the car until you fasten your seat belt.’

  ‘Were you ever going to tell me about her?’

  ‘Tell you what about her?’ Siddhant bit.

  ‘About her existence, to begin with.’

  ‘I didn’t think you’d expect me to never have been in a relationship before you.’

  ‘That’s not the point! You didn’t tell me, you hid it from me. Why did you do that?’ Akriti was looking at him accusingly.

  ‘I didn’t hide anything from you. We just haven’t really … got to that point yet,’ Siddhant said evenly, determined to have a rational conversation.
‘We haven’t got to the point of discussing exes and past relationships.’

  ‘Why? What are we waiting for?’

  ‘Nothing! I just don’t think it’s the best topic of conversation right in the beginning of a new relationship. I know it feels like longer, but you and I only went on our first date, what, three months ago? Shouldn’t this phase be about us – you and me, spending time together, getting to know each other? And not about relationships we’ve had in the past that failed? What is the point of talking about that?’

  ‘Stop trying to change the topic,’ Akriti snapped, refusing to acknowledge anything he was saying.

  ‘How am I changing the topic?’ Siddhant said, trying very hard to remain calm. ‘I’m addressing the very question you asked. You asked me why I didn’t say anything about Maahi, and I’m telling you why. Do you really want to talk about my past relationships now when we could be spending time with each other in the present? We’ve already wasted this whole night instead of enjoying each other’s company …’

  ‘Again, with the … round and round. Stop – stop trying to confuse me …’

  ‘I’m not trying to do that!’

  ‘Then tell me about her!’ Akriti burst out, now looking positively panicked. ‘You’re saying all these words, but you still won’t talk about her. Why won’t you tell me about her?’

  She was looking at him pleadingly, and he found himself cornered. Siddhant didn’t want to talk about Maahi – to anyone, and especially not to Akriti. Ever since Maahi and he broke up, he’d tried very hard not to think about her. Even though they had ended things on reasonably good terms, there was a lot there that had been left unresolved. They had been together, deliriously in love … until one day it all fell apart. And for no fault of his, he couldn’t be with her anymore. The decision to break up was one they’d made together, because no matter how much they loved each other, there were things that had happened, an incident that couldn’t be undone … and it hurt too much to be together.

  Siddhant had been careful never to question whether it hurt him more not to be with Maahi … because he wasn’t sure he would like the answer. So, he’d done his very best not to think about her, rely on distractions and keep on breathing.

  Akriti was watching him, calmer now.

  ‘What do you want to know?’ Siddhant asked quietly.

  ‘How did you meet her?’

  ‘At a coffee shop. I used to go there after my shifts at the hospital. She was a barista there.’

  ‘Barista? But she said she’s a baker.’

  ‘She started out as a barista. She discovered that she wanted to be a baker while working at that coffee shop. Then she started her own bakery.’

  ‘How often would you go there to see her?’

  ‘Akriti, stop,’ Siddhant said firmly. He reached for her hand and held it in both his. ‘What’s the point of talking about all this?’

  ‘I want to know.’ Akriti was adamant. She let him hold her hand, but remained undeterred from her mission. ‘When was this?’

  ‘A couple of years ago. Back when I was doing my internship at AIIMS.’

  ‘How long were you with her?’

  ‘A year or so.’

  ‘Who broke up with whom?’

  ‘It was mutual,’ Siddhant said after a moment.

  ‘It’s never mutual.’ Akriti snorted.

  ‘It was. I don’t know how to explain it – I guess we both knew it had to end and agreed that that was the only option we had. The timing wasn’t right for us.’

  ‘Did she dump you? You can just tell me.’

  ‘She didn’t …’ Siddhant paused. ‘Fine, if you really must know – something happened, and we both knew that because of that, I had to end it. I didn’t have to actually do it, because she realized what had to happen too. She didn’t try to stop me. We both knew time was not on our side.’

  ‘That’s it? You never had an actual conversation with each other? You didn’t even say you were breaking up?’

  ‘We didn’t argue or anything, no. It’s complicated. We did have a conversation, but the break-up was more in the subtext. Both of us knew that we had broken up. We didn’t … linger, because there was no point. I … I don’t know how to explain it.’

  Siddhant felt a weight at the bottom of his stomach. He remembered that night very clearly. As soon as he found out what had happened, he knew they were over. Yet, they couldn’t come to terms with it immediately. It was so sudden, so heart-breaking. He’d felt so lost, as though he was missing a part of himself. The only way he could recover was by pretending that he was okay, nothing was wrong, things were as normal as they could be – delusion was his only option. He couldn’t accept the loss, or handle the mourning that came with it.

  ‘What happened?’ Akriti’s voice broke into his thoughts.

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘You said something happened that made you both realize that breaking up was the only option. What happened?’

  Siddhant met Akriti’s eyes. She seemed to have sobered up significantly during the course of their conversation. ‘She hadn’t … fully resolved her issues with her ex-boyfriend, and then he suddenly reappeared in her life. They had had a bad break-up and I guess some … feelings were still there, and his sudden reappearance in her life threw things off balance. Like I said, the timing didn’t work for us—’

  ‘She cheated on you?’

  ‘No!’ Siddhant protested involuntarily. ‘No, I mean … they kissed … there was a kiss, but it wasn’t like that. It was a complicated situation. It wasn’t deliberate – they weren’t having an affair behind my back or anything. She didn’t plan for it to happen—’

  ‘Why are you defending her?’ Akriti swiftly pulled her hand out of his and tilted her head to the side questioningly.

  ‘I’m not defending her. I’m telling you the truth.’

  ‘Sounds to me like she cheated on you!’

  ‘Akriti, stop. Please. Can we not do this anymore? I’ve told you everything you wanted to know. Can we go home now?’ Siddhant pleaded. It was past 2 a.m., and he was getting really tired of this conversation. He hadn’t even had the chance to process the unexpected encounter with Maahi. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to Akriti about her and evaluate why that relationship had crumbled. There was no scenario in which talking to Akriti about Maahi could end well.

  Unfortunately, Akriti was in no mood to let it go. ‘Why won’t you admit that she cheated on you?’

  ‘Akriti, I’ve told you so many times now – I don’t want to talk about this anymore,’ Siddhant said firmly.

  ‘But I do!’

  ‘Fasten your seatbelt. We can’t sit in this parking lot forever.’

  ‘When did you guys break up?’

  ‘Akriti, we need to go. Can you please fasten your seatbelt?’

  ‘No, you can’t ignore my questions. Answer me!’

  ‘Fine. We broke up about a year ago. Happy?’ Siddhant said, now thoroughly frustrated with her and the situation.

  ‘Did you decide to remain friends? Did you stay in touch?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You didn’t see her at all after you broke up?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Until tonight?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes! Can we stop now? I don’t understand how this is the right time or place to have this conversation, or why we need to have this conversation at all.’ Siddhant let his head fall back on the head-rest of his seat and closed his eyes.

  ‘Because you didn’t tell me about her till I met her. Do you have any idea how that felt? Being in the dark like that?’

  ‘It never came up. We’ve never talked about exes—’

  ‘We would’ve, if I had known that there was some girl you used to be in love with, right here in Delhi, who you are still defending for some reason!’ Akriti’s voice was getting louder, her anger returning.

  ‘I’m not defend—’ Siddhant was utterly ex
hausted. ‘Fine. Fine, she cheated on me. We broke up. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her until tonight. Okay? Can we move on now, please?’

  ‘I don’t understand why it bothers you so much to talk about her … Are you not over her? Do you still have feelings—?’

  ‘Oh God, seriously?’ Siddhant ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Can we just stop now? We don’t need to talk about any of this—’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because there’s nothing to talk about! It’s all in the past. I don’t think about any of it anymore, it shouldn’t affect our lives and I don’t want to talk about it,’ Siddhant said with finality.

  ‘And what I want doesn’t even matter?’ Akriti challenged.

  ‘What are you talking about?! We’ve been doing exactly what you want all night – talking about my ex in the parking lot at 3 a.m. I’m so tired, Akriti. Let’s please just go home.’

  ‘No! I think it’s really weird that you’re avoiding this conversation—’

  ‘How am I avoiding this conversation? We’ve had this conversation. We’ve been having it all night and now it’s over. I can’t do this anymore.’ Siddhant sighed loudly, feeling trapped in the car, in his own skin. He had a strong urge to punch something, to just get out and run.

  Akriti didn’t say anything. She turned away from him and sat back, looking out of the window. Then, after a minute, she pulled on her seat belt and fastened it around herself.

  Siddhant turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot. His thoughts and the conversation he’d had with Akriti muddled his head. He could make neither head nor tail of it. He was unable to process all that had happened that night, where it started and where it ended or what it would mean to him when he woke up the next morning. Would Akriti still be mad at him? He couldn’t worry about that – for now, it was over.

  It wasn’t over.

  When Siddhant stopped outside her building, Akriti didn’t get out of the car. She had fallen asleep, her head against the window. She took a moment to wake up fully and regain her bearings. Then she looked at Siddhant, with the saddest expression on her face.