The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

Half an hour later, they unlocked the front door and entered the apartment to find their living room dimly lit with the glow of the television. Akriti was sitting back on the couch, half her body cocooned in a throw blanket, her thumbs jumping up and down on her phone screen as she typed a text message. She glanced at them as they walked in and then turned back to the television, typing away on her phone as if she hadn’t even seen them.

  Priyesh threw Siddhant a pointed look and made his way to the fridge. He pulled out a water bottle and sat down on a bar stool by the kitchen counter. He clearly had no intention of leaving them alone.

  Between his worry for Akriti, his freshly resurfaced feelings for Maahi and his annoyance with Priyesh, Siddhant didn’t have a lot of energy to play nice or use tact. He walked over to Akriti and said simply, ‘I called you.’

  Akriti didn’t turn around. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Multiple times.’

  Akriti nodded.

  ‘Why didn’t you call me back? Or text me?’

  Akriti shrugged.

  ‘Was it something I did?’ Siddhant was finding it hard to keep his temper in check. All this worry … for what? She’d just been sitting on the couch watching a movie and texting someone. She’d probably had her phone in her hand when he’d called her and sent her those messages. Why would she put him through hell for no reason? Who did that to someone they claimed to love?

  Akriti got up from the couch deliberately. She met his eyes, and spoke in a low, cold voice. ‘You leave me behind, to sit and wait for you, while you go have fun with your friends, and then you happen to run into your ex who’s clearly still in love with you, and somehow end up celebrating her birthday? How convenient!’

  Before Siddhant could process anything, she’d stormed into his bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Siddhant turned to Priyesh, his mouth open agape.

  ‘I didn’t plan to run into Maahi.’

  ‘I know,’ Priyesh said.

  ‘She told me she didn’t want to go to the comedy show.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Maahi isn’t still in love with me …’

  Priyesh shrugged.

  Siddhant shook his head, in an attempt to clear it. ‘How do I … What?’

  Priyesh got up from his stool and levelled with Siddhant. For the first time that night, he didn’t sound at all drunk. ‘If you ask me … you’re not allowed to be happy anymore. That has to be it. She can’t stand your happiness and won’t allow it.’ He raised his hand to stall Siddhant’s protests. ‘I know what you’ll say. I know she’s suffered a big loss. But don’t you see? You’ve lost yourself.’

  Siddhant was stunned into silence.

  ‘In everything you’ve done for her, she hasn’t thanked you once. The walls aren’t that thick, bro. I can hear her make your life hell – every single day. Ever stop to think about what you did to deserve this? She’s just using you. She doesn’t love you – she doesn’t even know you! How long had you known each other before you decided you were partners for life? Half a date! Now you have a responsibility and she has a punching bag. I know you’ll try to deny it, but it’s true. You guys are playing house, pretending … but this is not what a loving relationship looks like. How can she be the love of your life when you don’t even know each other! Open your eyes, Sid. She doesn’t care about you. Period.’

  Priyesh patted Siddhant on his shoulder before going to his room, leaving Siddhant standing there, thoughts swirling inside his head. He slumped on to a stool and rested his throbbing head on the counter. The cool granite felt welcome on his forehead. When his thoughts stopped churning, a face settled in his mind. Maahi. He was still in love with her. He would never stop loving her …

  The thought came to him unexpectedly, but somehow, he wasn’t surprised. It was a strange blend of being caught off guard and just knowing. He knew. He loved her, always had. His heart had never let her go. People were supposed to stop loving the other person when they broke up, but he simply hadn’t done it. When they’d ended their relationship and gone their separate ways, he had left a part of him with her without realizing it, the part she’d claimed the very first day they met. She still had it. She’d kept that piece of him locked away, safe with her. And he’d carried her in his heart all along, while they had been broken up, hidden, untouched.

  When he had stood next to her on the rooftop, surrounded by all those people, he had seen no one else. He’d felt this unrelenting urge to reach out and hold her hand.

  I can’t know her and not be hers.

  As soon as the thought entered his mind, he knew it was true. But he couldn’t be hers. So the only option he had left was to not know her. He couldn’t talk to her anymore. The thought made his insides tighten in protest. Even though they weren’t together, it seemed like they were breaking up – again. He remembered clearly how their break-up had felt the last time, and wondered where he would find the strength to endure that torture again.

  He felt suffocated in his own skin. He wished he hadn’t reconnected with Maahi at all. He would’ve been spared this glimpse of what his life might’ve been like with her in it. Then he could’ve been happy in his life … But would he really have been happy? If Priyesh was to be believed, he wasn’t allowed to be happy anymore.

  Siddhant lost track of time as he sat for hours on the bar stool, his head resting on the cool granite counter.

  Chapter 13

  Siddhant had the following day off, but he picked up a colleague’s shift; he didn’t want to stay home and think about his life. Akriti was still in his bedroom when he left, so he didn’t go in. He had spent the night on the couch in the living room. He changed into a pair of scrubs at the hospital and spent the day shadowing a team of doctors. He didn’t mind. Given how distracted he was, it was a relief not having to perform any surgeries. Being able to observe and learn kept his mind distracted.

  By the end of the day, instead of feeling tired, he felt energized. He made his way home, his spirits dipping only slightly at the thought of facing whatever was waiting there for him.

  The apartment was empty. Akriti was gone, but there was a white rose on the table. Taking it as a sign of peace, Siddhant was glad at the thought of their fight being over. However, a little part of him felt cheated by the lack of a real apology, which he believed he deserved. Akriti had accused him of being deceitful, of lying to her and going behind her back to have some sort of illicit liaison with his ex-girlfriend. ‘Convenient,’ she had called it.

  He was hurt. All he had done from the second they’d met was be there for her and take care of her, put her needs and desires before his every time, and this was the treatment he was getting in return. Priyesh’s words from the night before still rang in his ears … She’s just using you. She doesn’t care about you.

  Siddhant shook away these thoughts. Priyesh didn’t know Akriti or their relationship like he did. He didn’t understand the dark place Akriti was in, and therefore couldn’t comprehend her behaviour or actions. It wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t herself. When she did come back to her senses, she did sweet things like leave him a rose. Just because Priyesh hadn’t seen her sweet side didn’t mean it didn’t exist.

  Siddhant took the flower to his bedroom and laid it on top of the chest of drawers. He sat down at the foot of his bed and pulled out his phone. He had been thinking about Maahi, and how to move on from her; he had to say goodbye.

  Hey, sorry for running out like that last night. Akriti is fine. Everything is good.

  There. That was the last time he ever intended to talk to her. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else. This would have to be his goodbye to her – letting her know that he was with Akriti and everything was good.

  He could take care of either Akriti or himself. And Akriti had no one else to turn to; he was the only one who would look out for her. Although it wasn’t the most romantic or ideal situation, he understood his responsibility. He cared about her, so he would be there for her … even though that meant no one
would care about him.

  A little later, he received a response from Maahi. He read it, set his phone down, and began trying to forget her, all over again.

  Please don’t worry about that! Glad to hear she’s fine. :)

  Siddhant buttoned down his shirt, checking his reflection in the mirror as he did so. He wasn’t sure about the colour. It was a very dark green, which looked almost black, but not quite. It was as though it had tried to approach black but couldn’t make it, and ended up being a muddy shade of green-black.

  ‘Are you sure about this …?’ he asked Akriti, who was perched on his bed, watching him. ‘The colour’s a little off …’

  ‘Noooo, I love it!’ she protested as she rose from the bed and approached him. ‘I’m telling you, everyone’s wearing this nowadays. It’s a good colour. It’s all about the deep moss right now.’ She trailed her hand from his shoulder to his wrist, watching him in the mirror. ‘Ah, I really do love it. Fits you perfectly.’

  ‘If you say so …’

  ‘Come on! Don’t be like that! Trust me, it’s a great shirt.’

  ‘Okay,’ Siddhant relented half-heartedly. He could manage an evening in that shirt if it meant so much to her. He tried to turn away from the mirror to find his shoes, but Akriti held him to his spot.

  Snaking her arm through his, she inspected their reflection. ‘We look so great together. Look, our outfits match perfectly.’

  ‘That they do, but you look way better in that dress than I do in this shirt.’

  ‘Aww, thanks, baby,’ Akriti said, planting a kiss on his cheek. She released his arm and went closer to the mirror to inspect her lipstick. ‘You’re too sweet to me.’

  Siddhant shrugged nonchalantly. ‘It’s what I do.’

  Once they were dressed, they called out for Priyesh from the living room. One of the senior doctors at the hospital was retiring and they were all going to his farewell party. Priyesh yelled from his room that he’d leave later in his car.

  ‘I don’t want to stay out too late, okay?’ Akriti said as they made their way out.

  Siddhant nodded. ‘You have that 9 a.m. shift, right?’

  ‘Yep. Let’s leave in an hour. An hour and a half tops. Basically just enough time for me to show off my dress, and then we can go home? Do you think people will think that’s rude?’

  ‘Doctors judging other doctors for caring about their careers? Nah! I’m sure they’ll understand. We’ve all been there.’

  ‘Okay, good. I don’t know Dr Shetty anyway, and I’m still going to her farewell party. The charity stops there.’

  Siddhant shook his head at her. Sometimes, when Akriti spoke like this about other people, as though she was better than them, he couldn’t tell if she was serious. The first time it had happened it was about something ridiculous which they both laughed about. Then it became a thing, and began happening more frequently.

  It had been a month since she’d left him the white rose after acting out about Maahi. Neither of them had spoken about it after that day. Siddhant had no intention of talking to Maahi again, so whatever suspicions Akriti did have about them, were unlikely to resurface. And even though Akriti hadn’t actually apologized to him, her behaviour towards him had become much better. By an unspoken agreement, the incident wasn’t discussed again.

  When they arrived at the party, which was being hosted at Dr Shetty’s house in central Delhi, they had to park a couple of houses away, because the roads were already lined with cars. At the door they were greeted by Dr Shetty’s son and daughter. Siddhant gave the bottle of wine to the daughter and they were requested to go to the living room.

  The living room was gigantic. The wall to his left was completely glass, overlooking a large pool in the lawn. Familiar and unfamiliar faces filled the living room and spilled on to the garden.

  ‘Damn, I need a drink,’ Akriti said, clutching his sleeve.

  ‘Me too,’ Siddhant replied, but his voice was lost in the bustle all around him. Holding Akriti’s hand, he walked to the long table against the wall where two bartenders were serving drinks. ‘I agree with you; we should leave early,’ he said, handing her a drink.

  ‘Right? Just being in this room is overwhelming,’ Akriti agreed eagerly.

  ‘I’ll stick to a Coke then, so that I can drive us back.’

  ‘What?’

  Siddhant repeated his words, louder, in her ear. She nodded and gave him a thumbs-up. They spotted a group of doctors they knew from the hospital, and joined them. Soon afterwards, Prachi arrived and pulled Akriti out to the lawn with her.

  An hour later, Siddhant was stuck in an even more crowded living room, pressed together with Priyesh and some colleagues. His back was sweaty and the noise was too much to handle. Worse, one of Dr Shetty’s colleagues had cornered them and wouldn’t stop talking. Every time this doctor, who looked not a day younger than eighty, spoke, he sprayed spit directly in Siddhant’s face, who made sure to keep his mouth tightly sealed at all times.

  ‘Yo, is your girlfriend okay?’ an unknown voice yelled in his ear.

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘Dr Akriti Arora? Isn’t she your girlfriend? She doesn’t look okay. Been crying up a storm out in the lawn …’

  Siddhant caught Priyesh’s eye before rushing outside. Priyesh followed him. They had to shout a little at the guests to make way for them. It was far more pleasant outside, but Siddhant was frantic as he looked around for Akriti. It only took a second. She was sitting by the pool, clutching her knees to her body, sobbing.

  Siddhant ran to her, Priyesh at his heels. Prachi was crouching beside Akriti, holding her, and a few other people were gathered around them, watching.

  ‘What is it? What happened?’ Siddhant asked, panic-stricken. He was transported back to the night outside the restaurant, when Akriti had gotten the news about her father. His heart sank. ‘Akriti, what’s wrong?’

  Prachi looked up at him, her face crumpled, a few tears smudged on her face. She didn’t speak, simply stepped back and made space for him.

  ‘Talk to me, Akriti,’ Siddhant said, taking Prachi’s spot.

  Akriti sobbed harder.

  ‘Please, tell me what’s happened,’ Siddhant was holding her tightly, his arms around her curled up body. He could feel her body shake as she tried to form words.

  ‘I didn’t even … I didn’t know …’ Akriti cried.

  ‘What didn’t you know?’ Siddhant cajoled, speaking softly.

  ‘He was only fifty-five … I thought he was healthy …’ Akriti said, finally looking at him. ‘And then ... he was just gone …’ She couldn’t continue, as her body was wracked with a fresh bout of crying.

  The answer clicked in Siddhant’s head and before he knew it, the words escaped. ‘Your dad.’ He was at a loss, and he doubted there was anything he could say to make her feel better. Nothing could bring her father back. All he could do was hold her.

  So he held her as she cried.

  ‘It’s going to be okay …’ he whispered to her. ‘You won’t always feel like this.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can do this …’ she cried.

  ‘You don’t have to do anything.’ He cradled her face in his hands and looked into her eyes. ‘You’ve been so brave. The worst is over, trust me.’

  Akriti’s lower lip trembled and Siddhant pulled her back into a hug. He held her and murmured soothing words to her. Eventually, her cries softened.

  ‘Akriti?’ came Prachi’s concerned voice from behind them.

  Siddhant looked up at her, and then around. He’d completely forgotten about the rest of the world. He nodded at Prachi, and stood up. ‘Let’s go home,’ he said and began to pull Akriti up. He righted her dress, which had ridden up by sitting on the floor. Glancing in annoyance at the people still surrounding them, who, instead of respecting their privacy and keeping their distance, were gawking at them, he muttered, ‘People are watching …’

  At once, Akriti jerked her arms out of his grasp and slumped dow
n to the floor. She looked at him with venom in her eyes. ‘I can’t believe you,’ she spat angrily.

  ‘What …? What happened?’ Even though completely thrown, he prepared himself for what was coming. As far as he could see, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but then this wasn’t the first time Akriti had had violent mood swings and flipped out on him. He saw another fight coming.

  Chapter 14

  ‘You’re ashamed of me. I embarrass you.’ Akriti spoke deliberately, rolling every word on her tongue before spitting it out.

  ‘That’s not true,’ Siddhant said quietly, suddenly exhausted.

  ‘You care more about what these strangers think than my feelings.’

  ‘I don’t. Akriti, please get up.’

  ‘You just want to get me out of here because I’m creating a scene, isn’t it? Isn’t that what you want?’

  Siddhant watched her, sitting stubbornly on the floor, with no intention of moving, simply because he had asked her to. He looked helplessly at Priyesh, who was standing there with his mouth hanging open, unable to believe the events unfolding in front of him.

  ‘Akriti, please …’ Siddhant begged.

  ‘Please what?’ she retorted angrily. ‘Say it. Say that I’m embarrassing you.’

  Siddhant knelt next to her. He faced her squarely and said, ‘No, it’s not about that. I am not embarrassed by you. I am concerned about you. Two minutes ago, you were crying inconsolably in my arms. I’m just trying to take you home, because I didn’t think you’d want to be here with so many people around us when you’re feeling like this.’

  She paused. For a moment, it seemed like she was listening to him rationally again. Siddhant latched on to the opportunity, and continued, ‘Please, let me take you home. You’ll feel better there, with some privacy. And we can talk about your fath—’

  ‘Shut up!’ Akriti thundered. ‘How dare you?’ She got up with difficulty, stumbling because of her heels and her furious state.

  Siddhant got up too, bracing himself to be accused for another thing he didn’t do.