The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  There was barely a second of silence before Priyesh burst out, pointing at the door from which Akriti’s stepmom had just exited, ‘Is this woman crazy?!’

  ‘Whoa! That’s not nice,’ Maahi’s voice came from the door. ‘Is that how you talk about me behind my back?’

  ‘Not you!’ Priyesh protested with a certain amount of frustration. ‘Akriti’s mom – she still won’t give up trying to change our mind about filing an FIR,’ Priyesh said. He turned to Siddhant and asked, ‘We’re filing an FIR, right? We have to!’

  ‘Maahi?’ Siddhant said, surprised at her sudden re-entry into his life.

  ‘Hey,’ she said, her brow furrowed in concern. ‘How are you feeling now? You’ve been unconscious for two days; I … we were all really worried.’

  ‘Oh, right. I should go get his doctor,’ Priyesh said, as if suddenly remembering that Siddhant was hurt. ‘You hit your head against the steering wheel. The airbags didn’t inflate. You were falling in and out of consciousness, so we were observing you for brain damage, potential concussion. I’ll let them know that you’re awake.’

  After Priyesh left, Maahi turned to Siddhant. ‘So? How do you feel?’

  ‘Never better,’ Siddhant said, half-grinning.

  Maahi sighed, shaking her head. ‘Your head’s pretty banged up. Don’t look at a mirror yet – your eyes are doing that whole swollen and purple thing we see on TV. And your right hand is pretty banged up – you have a hairline fracture. But you were all very lucky, overall. I saw the cars …’

  Siddhant absorbed that information, and then asked the first question that came to mind. ‘Who called you?’

  Maahi laughed. ‘Funny story. Remember that time, when we were together, we talked about one of us being found dead in their apartment and the other person not knowing whom to call, and then we shared each other’s families’ phone numbers? And we also made each other our emergency contacts? Guess we never got around to changing that.’

  ‘Ah.’ Siddhant tried to nod but his head refused to obey.

  ‘They called me the night of the accident. It was horrible.’ As she said it, Siddhant could see in her eyes how distressing it must’ve been. They never could hide her feelings, those eyes. ‘Priyesh was frantic. You were unconscious, with your face looking like that, your hand swollen. They wanted you to regain consciousness for some reason, so they kept trying to get you to wake up, but you … just lay there.’ Maahi shook her head, as if trying to erase that moment from her memory. ‘And Akriti kept screaming. She was unconscious too, actually, but then she woke up and I guess she must’ve been in a lot of pain, because I’ve never heard anyone scream like that. Her mom arrived shortly after, which only made the screaming worse. They had to give her something to make her sleep …’

  ‘I’m sorry …’ It was all Siddhant could say, ‘Sorry that you had to see all that …’

  ‘No! Are you kidding me? I’m just glad you … I mean everyone is okay. It really is a miracle. They were saying that because your car wasn’t moving, Priyesh had his seat belt on, Akriti had airbags, and you saw what was coming and ducked … you’re all okay. When I think about what could’ve happened …’

  Siddhant stretched his hand to hold hers, and this time, thankfully, his body obeyed his brain’s order. She squeezed his hand in return, and he knew that he would never stop loving her. In that moment, no matter how hard he tried to remind himself why they broke up, he couldn’t think of a single reason good enough to keep them apart. If he’d died that night, he now knew, it would’ve robbed him of the chance to be with the love of his life …

  Priyesh returned with a doctor and a nurse. They proceeded to give him a thorough examination and declared that he would recover in time, but would have to be kept under observation for a week. And that he couldn’t return to work until the hairline fracture on his wrist had healed and he got a green light to operate again; Siddhant was looking at four to six weeks at least if there were no further complications.

  It was only after the doctors left that Priyesh spoke up. ‘I told you we needed to leave,’ he said quietly. He was clearly holding on to a lot of anger and resentment, and not only towards Akriti and her mom.

  ‘I couldn’t leave her there—’ Siddhant began, but he was cut off.

  ‘Yes, you could’ve. You should have! She wouldn’t have thought twice before doing that to you. Hell, she tried to kill you! And me – for no fucking reason. Don’t you get it? Have you gone fucking blind?’ The anger bubbling inside Priyesh boiled over.

  Siddhant was too weak to speak, let alone argue.

  ‘If you’re not mad about the fact that she tried to kill you, by crashing your own car into mine, headfirst, for no reason, what about me? Are you at least angry that she tried to kill your best friend?’

  ‘Yes, yes, of course—’

  ‘Then tell me we’re filing an FIR!’

  Siddhant was silent.

  ‘Put your money where your mouth is. If you care about me at all, tell me we’re filing an FIR!’ Priyesh insisted.

  When Siddhant still remained quiet, Priyesh hit his breaking point.

  ‘She deserves to get what’s coming to her! She has to pay for her actions. It’s attempted murder, don’t you get it?’

  Siddhant sighed, thoroughly drained. ‘She’s not a monster,’ he said finally. ‘That night, she wasn’t in her right mind. You don’t know her—’

  ‘Neither do you!’ Priyesh thundered, losing his composure. ‘You knew her for half a date before you became her nurse, her punching bag, her driver, her lawyer … How many times do I have to tell you? Stop defending her, man, just stop! This is madness.’

  ‘Priyesh, please try to understand …’ Siddhant pleaded, ‘Please, listen to me—’

  ‘No! This is it. I’m out. If you want to ruin your life, go ahead. I’m done giving a shit. I’m leaving. I can’t be involved in this nightmare anymore. I didn’t put in a decade of studying and piling up student loans to come this far and have some crazy woman kill me. That is not my life plan. I’m moving out, and I hope I don’t have to see you or that wretched woman ever again.’

  ‘Priyesh …’ Siddhant was in too much pain to stop him.

  After Priyesh had stormed off, Maahi sat with Siddhant until he fell back into an uncomfortable sleep. He was jolted awake several times, by a nightmare or excruciating pain shooting through his body – but every time he resurfaced, he found Maahi’s hand clutching his tightly. When he tried to speak, tell her what he’d seen in his nightmare, or where it hurt, she whispered into his ear, soothing him, calming him down till he fell asleep again. For the first time in a long, long time, Siddhant didn’t feel absolutely alone in the world.

  Chapter 16

  In the week following the accident, Siddhant didn’t see Akriti at all. He knew she had been brought to the same hospital, but since Priyesh hadn’t visited him after he’d stormed out the other night, he had no news about anything that was happening in the world.

  The day after Akriti’s stepmom had first spoken to Siddhant about not filing an FIR, she came back to see if he’d given it any thought. When he told her that they weren’t filing an FIR, she thanked him profusely and left. It was the last he saw of her.

  It had been a lonely week for Siddhant. With no one to talk to, no work to distract him and only pain to keep him company, he’d barely had a good hour’s sleep. He found himself going over events and arguments – with Akriti, Priyesh, Maahi – over and over again, tossing and turning all night, unable to calm down enough to fall asleep. His entire being was agitated.

  Just because he hadn’t filed an FIR, or agreed wholeheartedly with Priyesh’s outlook on the situation didn’t mean that he thought Akriti was innocent. He wasn’t born yesterday. He knew Akriti, in whatever state she’d been in, had intended to hurt them. She had meant for the crash to happen, and she had intended for it to be much worse than it ended up being, thanks to her loss of control at the last moment, in her inebriated state. />
  He understood that his sense of responsibility towards her was misplaced. Perhaps it was rooted in the fact that he was with her when she got the news, or that he’d been able to help her in the beginning, which had made him feel useful – but then slowly, it had become his and only his job to look after her. His empathy, and the fact that he cared for her had put him in a situation where he had felt the need to make confessions of romantic love and want. Maybe he had hoped that he would mean those words one day soon. However, the moment he’d said them, she had labelled them ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ and expected them to behave as couples did with each other, despite their distinct personalities, temperaments and desires. They couldn’t simply be themselves and be with each other, and let the connection grow organically into what it was meant to be. It was like being forced to sign up for a club and then being handed a set of mandatory rules and regulations.

  Siddhant and Akriti had never had the freedom to find out who they were together. How they would interact with each other, discover each other …

  There was a soft knock at his door. Siddhant looked up.

  ‘Maahi,’ he said, his pleasure obvious in his tone.

  ‘You look so much better!’ Maahi said excitedly, then calmed herself down before saying sheepishly, ‘Erm … hi.’

  ‘Hi.’ Siddhant smiled. ‘You don’t have to look that excited; I’m sure I didn’t look that ghastly when you last saw me.’

  ‘Oh, you have no idea. If I hadn’t been worried out of my mind, I would’ve collected photographic evidence of the ghastliness,’ Maahi said, dead serious.

  ‘Okay, that’s enough,’ Siddhant said, fake annoyed. ‘Kicking a man when he’s down. Real classy.’

  ‘I just say it as it is.’

  ‘Thank you for the blunt honesty then.’

  Maahi finally relented. Laughing, she said, ‘Too far? Sorry! But how are you, really? Has Priyesh been back at all since his dramatic exit the other day?’

  ‘I feel okay. And no, I think Priyesh was serious. He really doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.’

  ‘Oh no, that’s not good. You know what, I’m sure he’ll come around. Too bad he’s a doctor and knows you’re going to be okay, otherwise you could’ve played some emotional blackmail games on him,’ Maahi said. Then, as if struck by a sudden thought, she added excitedly, ‘Do you think he’s been checking up on your status surreptitiously? Can he have access to your charts or reports or whatever? I bet he’s been keeping an eye on them.’

  ‘I wouldn’t be so sure. He was really angry. I can’t think of a time when I’ve seen him get like that. I think he’s really done with me,’ Siddhant said, not bothering to hide his sorrow.

  ‘That’s not true! He’s done with … her. You know he cares about you. He’s your best friend!’

  Siddhant wanted to believe her. He couldn’t not have Priyesh in his life. They’d known each other for over a decade and lived together for several years. He’d hate for something to create an irreversible rift between them. But for now, until he figured out things with Akriti, the best thing he could do for Priyesh was to keep his distance.

  ‘Listen,’ Maahi said, her tone serious. ‘I’ve been thinking about something … Ever since that day with Priyesh, when he said all those things about how Akriti’s been behaving towards you …’ She paused, searching Siddhant’s face for a reaction. When he didn’t say anything, she continued, ‘I know it’s not my place … and I’ve kept my distance from you all week, even though it was really hard not to come visit you when you’re hurt. But it’s been bothering me, and I have to say something.’

  ‘Okay,’ Siddhant said. He’d never talked to Maahi about his relationship with Akriti, but if she believed what Priyesh had said, he could imagine what was coming. He braced himself.

  ‘First of all, I know that I am probably way off base. I don’t know Akriti or your relationship with her well enough to jump to any conclusions,’ Maahi said. Siddhant could tell that she had rehearsed the words, and was gauging his reaction as she said them. ‘But Siddhant, it’s not okay to hit someone with a car! You don’t see how insane it is, because you’re in it – you understand the motivations and intentions behind her action. You make excuses for her because you know where she’s coming from. But I’m sorry, I cannot be an innocent bystander. I refuse to let you suffer like this, and not do anything to help. I care about you too much to do that.’

  She took a breath, before continuing, ‘Siddhant, I have known you, I have loved you. And even though I made a stupid, stupid mistake that ended our relationship, it doesn’t mean that I stopped caring about you.’ She took his hand and looked him in the eyes. ‘I have to ask … is she mistreating you? Let’s forget about the car crash, let’s say it was a one-off, a drunken accident. But apart from that one incident … in your life pre-crash … are you happy? Because I don’t think you are. I could be wrong, but I have to ask.’

  With his hand still in Maahi’s, drawing strength from her warmth, Siddhant thought about that. The mere fact that someone cared deeply enough about him to sit down with him and ask him if he was happy made his throat tighten. He’d been bound to his hospital bed, alone, with no one to fuss over him. His own parents had only worried long enough to have the doctors send his reports to them and conclude that he’d be fine so they didn’t need to fly down to sit by his hospital bed when they could be doing much more important work and advancing their careers. Priyesh had washed his hands off him, Akriti hadn’t so much as texted him. Even Maahi … but she’d kept her distance because she cared too much not to say anything.

  He was grateful that she had returned. And for that, he owed her honesty. He spoke gruffly, ‘I haven’t thought about my own happiness in a while. There’ve been bigger things happening, that I had to prioritize.’

  ‘Is she abusive?’ Maahi said abruptly, as if she’d been holding that one back for a while and it escaped her mouth before she could stop it.

  ‘What? No,’ Siddhant said. ‘I know that she’s crossed the line a few times, but she is dealing with something major which is impairing her judgement … There’s an explanation for her behaviour. She’s not … purposefully hurtful.’

  ‘But she is hurtful. See, my problem is that while you’ve been putting your own happiness on the back burner, out of the goodness of your heart, she might’ve been abusing you,’ Maahi said bluntly.

  ‘She’s not abusive—’

  ‘This might be the first time the abuse manifested itself in physical form, but there are other kinds of abuse,’ Maahi said firmly, before Siddhant could interrupt her. ‘There’s emotional abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse … and I’m not saying that she’s doing any of this on purpose, or that she’s some kind of monster who’s doing this out of spite—’

  Siddhant shook his head. ‘You’ve got it all wrong …’

  ‘Maybe I have, but give it a thought,’ Maahi insisted. ‘Do you feel free? To do what you want, within reason? Or do you feel like your freedom has been stolen? Because if you do, and you have to do or not do certain things because you’re afraid of the repercussions … it’s not fair. And someone who loves you, and really cares about you would never let you feel like that, let alone do that to you. So, you don’t have to tell me anything but just think about it. Because your happiness, your well-being are important too. Okay? Just think about it.’

  Siddhant nodded slowly. She was clutching his hand tightly, desperately, as if she was in pain.

  Maahi stayed with him for a long time, holding his hand in both of hers. Neither of them said anything more; they were lost in their own thoughts. Maahi removed her hand from his once or twice, to wipe the tears off her face, and when she returned it to its original position, Siddhant squeezed it in hopes of providing some reassurance. He felt touched, and overwhelmed. He knew what he had to do. He had known from the moment he’d seen Akriti drive towards them at full speed, horn blaring. Maybe he had even known when she had insulted him repeatedly
in front of all their colleagues. Maybe he’d known from the beginning …

  He couldn’t be with Akriti. He had to end it. One would think that hitting someone with their car automatically implied a break-up, no discussion required, but he had to do it right this time. He had to end it with Akriti, once and for all.

  Later that day, when he was packing up his few things to be discharged and go home, he got a surprise visitor. Maahi had long left, and his mind was completely made up about Akriti. He felt some of that freedom that Maahi had spoken about coursing through his veins. He felt lighter, like he wasn’t carrying as much weight on his shoulders anymore – until Akriti showed up at his door.

  She didn’t say anything, just stood there, her face bare, hair tied back in a bun, right leg in a cast, watching him. And then he noticed the white rose in her hand, and he felt the weight return to his shoulders, all at once.

  Chapter 17

  ‘Hi,’ she said, watching Siddhant carefully. She kept her distance from him, lingering by the door instead of coming in.

  ‘Hey,’ Siddhant said. He found it hard to look at her, so he resumed packing his stuff. He had been so sure of what he would say to her, but now that she was there, he felt unprepared. He had to be firm and unwavering in his decision to end things, but he also had to be sensitive in the way he delivered the news.

  ‘How are you?’ Akriti asked. She took a couple of steps inside, and said, ‘I’m really sorry, you know? About what happened that night.’

  Siddhant paused. He couldn’t help saying, ‘About what happened? Or what you did intentionally? And no, I don’t know that you’re sorry. Never heard you say it.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Akriti said, her lips trembling as if on cue.

  ‘Don’t! Don’t cry. We can’t have a conversation if you start crying.’

  ‘Okay … okay.’ Akriti sniffed, and tried to visibly compose herself. She held out the white rose in her hand, offering it to him. ‘This is for you. For peace. I’m sorry.’