The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  Siddhant looked down at the flower, his lips pursing. ‘We could’ve died. All of us. Do you get that? What did Priyesh ever do to deserve that? What did I—’

  ‘It’s on me! All of it – I did it! It’s no one else’s fault, no one did anything to deserve it, I know that,’ Akriti said in a rush.

  This was enough to shut Siddhant up for a second; he’d never seen Akriti admit guilt like this, and take responsibility for her actions.

  ‘I was so drunk,’ she was saying. ‘And so so sad. At that party, it hit me out of nowhere, and it … it felt like I was possessed. It took over every cell in my body. I literally fell to the floor crying, and I couldn’t stop. It was the worst feeling ever, like I was being suffocated, like someone was pushing me down, down, down into the ground. And I couldn’t get up. You don’t understand … it was horrible.’

  Her face was wet with tears, her eyes wide in horror. As if reliving that experience was too much for her, she hobbled over to Siddhant’s bed and sat down. ‘You can’t even imagine, it was so painful. Like I had to dig through several feet of mud to crawl out of the earth I was being buried under. I just wanted to run away … And then I started lashing out, saying all of those terrible things to you. You think it was fun for me? Creating a scene, looking like a crazy person chasing you, screaming, in front of so many people? It was so embarrassing …’

  Akriti looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes, her body trembling. ‘I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin … I felt so trapped, I just needed to escape somehow. There were moments when it felt as if I was watching myself, and I could see how insane I was. I wanted to stop – chasing you, screaming – but I couldn’t. My own body was holding me against my will. You don’t understand. I’d never felt like this before. I was completely helpless …’

  ‘I was trying to help you,’ Siddhant said quietly.

  ‘Yes! And my brain knew that, but I couldn’t stop myself from acting the way I was regardless. It was like I was possessed. I’m telling you, it was … scary. I couldn’t control my own self. It was so so scary,’ Akriti sobbed. She covered her face in her palms and shook her head frantically, as if to drive the memories away.

  ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that. That sounds awful,’ Siddhant said. He sat down next to her and placed his hand on her arm. ‘Look at me, Akriti.’

  Akriti removed her hands from her face and looked at him with red eyes.

  ‘You need to get help. What you’re describing … no one should have to go through that. There are people who can help you.’ Siddhant spoke evenly. ‘It is not okay to feel that way, and you don’t have to. You can seek help, and get better …’

  Akriti studied the floor, tears streaming down her face unchecked.

  Siddhant paused briefly, trying to carefully pick his words. ‘Akriti, after that night, you have to understand that we can’t keep doing this. I can’t be with you. It’s not healthy. It’s not good for either of us.’

  Akriti’s eyes shot to his, and widened in horror as if her worst fears were being realized. Siddhant softened his tone further. Saying the words that came out of his mouth next was one of the hardest things he’d had to do in his life. ‘I don’t want you hurt you, or place blame. I know how great your troubles are, the internal battles that you fight every day. I understand how crucial mental health is, and how adversely it can affect someone’s life. I’ve tried so hard, for so long … And I’ve been patient, you know that, but—’

  ‘Don’t do this, please, don’t do this,’ Akriti began muttering. ‘Please don’t do this …’

  ‘Akriti, I have no other choice. I have tried to be there for you, but I can’t die trying to save you. I can’t save you. I’m not what you need, I’m not well-equipped to help you—’

  ‘I’ll go to a therapist. Hell, I’ll even go to a psychiatrist. Whatever you want,’ Akriti said desperately. ‘Just please don’t do this …’

  ‘Please try to understand. We’re not right for each other, we’re not good together. We’re not compatible—’

  ‘I will work on it, I promise! I know I’ve been shitty to you, but please don’t leave me. I’ll do whatever you want. Anything! Just say the word and I’ll do it, but just please don’t leave me.’ Siddhant tried to speak, but Akriti spoke over him, desperate to drown him in her words. ‘You can’t leave me. Not now! I can’t do this by myself. You saw what happened the other night – I’m not okay! I need you! I can’t do this without you. I can’t live. I’ll die!’

  A stunned silence followed Akriti’s words. Siddhant was afraid to look at her, and once he did, he couldn’t look away. He saw something click in her eyes. All of a sudden, she didn’t seem frantic or desperate anymore. She became calm; she knew what she had to do.

  ‘I will die,’ she repeated, deliberately. ‘If you leave me, I won’t be able to live anymore. You’re the person closest to me. You know me best. And if you don’t love me, no one does. I’ll have no one. And I can’t live with that. I will die.’

  Siddhant felt a noose tighten around his throat.

  Akriti kept her word, about being better, trying harder. In the weeks following their conversation at the hospital, there were no outbursts, no episodes of drama.

  However, it had become increasingly clear to Siddhant that they weren’t meant to be together. It was true that they weren’t destroying each other anymore, that they were amicable – but love wasn’t about being able to co-exist amicably with another person. There was no emotional connection or intimacy. She would ask about his day, and talk about his interests, but he could tell that it was just a courtesy. She wasn’t ready to take an interest in his interests, she still didn’t care – she was simply pretending to.

  It wasn’t her fault. It was no one’s fault that they didn’t have feelings for each other. Feelings couldn’t be forced. It was, he supposed, possible for two people to have a relationship where everything seemed to fit in theory, work together perfectly, in harmony, and yet for them to have no real connection – a relationship without magic.

  That was what it was like with Akriti. Forced, staged. As if they were on a reality show, pretending to be in a happy relationship to fool the viewers. Only, Siddhant and Akriti weren’t actually on such a show, and Siddhant couldn’t understand why they were doing it.

  Sometimes, he would catch Akriti staring at him with a strange look on her face … as if she was wondering the same thing. She hadn’t let him go when he’d made it abundantly clear that he wanted out, but she wasn’t happy with him either. Siddhant’s best guess was that she was with him only because she was afraid of being alone. And pretending to be in love with someone was a much better scenario in her head than being alone.

  Priyesh still wouldn’t talk to Siddhant. He hadn’t been joking about moving out. By the time Siddhant had returned from the hospital, Priyesh and his stuff were already gone. He’d tried to talk to him at the hospital, but the first few times Priyesh had responded extremely formally, as if they were just distant acquaintances. Thereafter, whenever Siddhant approached him, he had been quick to come up with reasons to be somewhere else.

  In the end, Siddhant had accepted his fate. He couldn’t be friends with Priyesh because he had Akriti in his life, and he couldn’t change either of those facts. He felt like he was sleepwalking through his own life, with barely any control over anything anymore.

  Sometimes, Siddhant wanted to be with Maahi so badly that his entire being ached with longing. She was the only person he’d ever felt magic with – a real connection, the need to be together, to talk to her, to know about her day, to walk around the city aimlessly with her, to touch her, to make her smile. She was his soulmate. And yet, he couldn’t so much as text her.

  When Akriti had made it clear to him that she wouldn’t let him go, Siddhant had known immediately that he would have to stop talking to Maahi. He couldn’t involve Maahi in this madness; she didn’t deserve that. And he couldn’t give her what she deserved be
cause he didn’t have anything to give. His life had been taken away from him.

  Six weeks after Siddhant was discharged from the hospital, he found himself sitting in front of the television with Akriti, her head resting casually on his shoulder as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

  They were watching an episode of Black Mirror, which was one of Akriti’s favourite shows. Even though Siddhant’s eyes were fixed on the screen, his brain registered none of the moving pictures. He sat there, frozen, unaffected by his surroundings. He couldn’t care anymore. His life was a whole other level of nightmare now. He couldn’t be with the girl he loved. His best friend had moved out and cut him out of his life. He was being held hostage in this relationship, by his ‘girlfriend’ and he was playing his part of ‘boyfriend’ because he was terrified that if he didn’t obey her wishes, she would harm herself.

  Akriti had moved into Priyesh’s room. She believed that even though Siddhant and she weren’t prepared for physical intimacy, they should be around each other more, and really get a chance to know each other. She had moved in five weeks after she’d tried to kill him with his car, and now Siddhant couldn’t so much as sneeze without her knowing.

  He was under surveillance, constantly. He felt an iron grip around his throat, lead in the pit of his stomach and his skull was split in two with a headache that never let up. If he left, she would do something very rash, and he would be to blame. He couldn’t deal with the weight of that responsibility.

  Some mornings, he was too tired to get out of bed. There was no motivation in his life for him to do anything. He didn’t want to go to work, he didn’t want to talk to anyone, he didn’t want to do anything … he didn’t want to exist. He had begun to wonder what it would be like to not have to wake up the following morning.

  In his attempt to save her life, he had lost his own will to live.

  Chapter 18

  ‘What do you want to do tonight?’ Akriti called cheerfully from the kitchen. She poured herself apple juice in a tall clear glass.

  Siddhant shrugged, too tired for words. He hadn’t slept well in weeks. It was Saturday, but he couldn’t recall the date. None of those details mattered to him anymore. He didn’t have any goals for himself, any interest in anything, any social life, or the desire to even leave the apartment.

  ‘Oh, come on, Sid! Don’t be like that!’ Akriti complained. ‘Let’s go see a movie. Is there anything good in theatres right now? Any of those superhero movies you like so much? Thor and Star-God and all that?’

  ‘Star-Lord,’ Siddhant corrected automatically. ‘And no, no new Avengers movies out right now.’

  ‘Oh good! I didn’t really want to have my ears blown up anyway,’ Akriti said and laughed, finding herself exceptionally funny. She walked over to him and studied him with her heavily kohl-ed eyes, like he was a child. ‘I wish I could find a way to cheer up my baby,’ she pouted, tousling his hair. ‘Tell me, what do you feel like doing? Anything you want.’

  She was behaving as though he was a dog being offered a treat. As though he should feel grateful to be permitted to do what he want with his time for one evening. His captor was keeping him hostage for as long as it took for her to make him fall in love with her. He was being held against his will, blackmailed into it. He was caught in an emotional trap …

  Akriti kept speaking, but Siddhant tuned her out. Everything around him faded, and all he could hear was a loud ringing coming from inside his own ears, and all he could see was Maahi’s concerned face, asking him if he was being abused, telling him that abuse can be psychological too … asking him if he felt free …

  His life had reached a point where he had begun to feel the way Akriti had described feeling the night of the crash. Like he had been forced deep into the ground and had to constantly keep fighting against getting buried in … if he stopped, even for one second, he would drown in mud and never come back up.

  The scariest part about it was that sometimes he wondered why he should keep fighting at all. What would happen if he just gave up? What was he fighting for? There was nothing he cared about anymore, nothing that made him happy.

  And then, he realized something. He missed it … he missed being happy.

  Siddhant got up. Barely registering that Akriti was still speaking, he walked into his room and put on a pair of clean jeans. He ran his fingers through his hair before grabbing his keys.

  As he crossed the living room, Akriti asked, ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I’m leaving,’ Siddhant responded shortly, not slowing down.

  ‘Wait – hold on! What’s the rush? Where are you going? When will you be back?’ Akriti was following him as he reached the door, an exasperated expression on her face.

  ‘I don’t know.’ And with that, Siddhant shut the door.

  Free.

  After fifteen minutes of driving, his destination became clear to him. He’d wanted to see Maahi, and his body had brought him there. He parked in the same lot where he had bumped into Maahi a few months ago. His steps were determined as he approached her shop and pulled the door open.

  And then he was face-to-face with her. She stood there, clutching something that Siddhant didn’t pay attention to. She was it. She was his happiness. He needed her, as badly as he needed his next breath of air. She was everything he would ever need. Her brows knitted in confusion when she saw him, her mouth slightly open.

  Siddhant’s heart raced. What was his plan? What was he going to say? Hey, I’m here looking for happiness? He was suddenly painfully aware of how unprepared he was. From the corner of his eyes, he saw someone move.

  ‘Laila.’ He nodded.

  ‘Oh, hey Siddhant. What’s up?’ Laila said.

  ‘I was in the neighbourhood,’ he said a little too quickly.

  ‘Right. Now that you’re here, you have to try this rack here – all new recipes, all pretty damn delicious. And we all know how partial you are to Maahi’s cupcakes,’ Laila said, waving her hand over the glass counter where rows and rows of cookies and cupcakes were on display. ‘They’re not up for sale yet. Just testing out new stuff.’

  ‘I’ll be sure to try some,’ Siddhant assured her.

  ‘Hey, Siddhant,’ Maahi said, still looking a little confused. ‘Just in the neighbourhood, huh?’

  Siddhant couldn’t look into her eyes and lie to her. Instead he asked, ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m okay. You? I tried calling … but never heard back from you. I went to the hospital too, but they said you were discharged …’

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Things have been … complicated. I couldn’t talk to you, couldn’t involve you in all that.’

  ‘Okay … But, are you okay now? Have you fully recovered?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I have.’

  ‘Good. That’s great,’ Maahi said, her relief reflecting in her eyes.

  They’d run out of things to say. Siddhant felt the pressure mounting with every second that passed and he didn’t speak. Panicking, he said to the room, ‘So, do you have plans tonight?’

  Maahi pointed to Laila and said, ‘We were just going to order in. JD is coming over too. What about you?’

  Before Siddhant could respond, Laila said, ‘Yeah, you should join us. It’s gonna be real fancy. Chinese food.’

  ‘Chinese sounds great, actually,’ Siddhant was surprised to hear himself accepting the invitation.

  ‘It’s settled then. Also, JD and I have to go to this club opening later. It’s really dumb – JD’s friend has too much money and dreams of running the best nightclub in south Delhi. I’m expecting there to be plenty of watered-down cocktails and freakishly pink and purple lights that hurt your eyes. Game?’

  Siddhant grinned. ‘Thanks, but I’ll have to pass. That sounds truly awful.’

  Laila looked disappointed.

  ‘She’s been trying to trick people into coming all day.’ Maahi laughed. ‘But that was a really bad effort, you didn’t even try to sell it,’ she said, turning
to Laila.

  ‘I’m tired of pretending,’ Laila shrugged, disappearing into the back room. She called out to them, ‘I just need five more minutes to wrap things up before we leave here.’

  ‘Cool,’ Maahi called back. She looked at Siddhant, as if still trying to figure out the reason behind his sudden appearance.

  ‘You do what you’ve got to do,’ Siddhant said coolly, much more composed outside than he felt inside. He took a seat by the window and added, ‘I’ll wait.’

  ‘Would you like a cupcake while you wait?’

  ‘Yes, please!’ he said, suddenly excited. He was transported to two years ago when he had come to see Maahi, under the guise of a love for cupcakes.

  Maahi shook her head at him as she walked away. She returned moments later with a selection of cupcakes and set them down in front of him before resuming her work around the bakery. Siddhant bit into a cupcake and was hit with a strong wave of nostalgia. Very few things in the world could compete with Maahi’s baking. He ate with more enthusiasm than he had felt for anything in a long long time.

  ‘Wow, when was the last time you ate?’ Maahi laughed when she came back a few minutes later and saw that he’d polished off every last crumb.

  ‘I don’t know. Last week?’ Siddhant muttered, suddenly remembering how depressing his life was without her.

  ‘Are you serious?’ Maahi looked confused.

  Siddhant shrugged.

  ‘Is everyone ready?’ Laila said, digging into her handbag for something.

  ‘Yep,’ Maahi said, turning to her. ‘Is JD meeting us at the house?’

  ‘I think so. I’m calling him,’ Laila said, her phone already glued to her cheek.

  ‘Where is this house you speak of?’ Siddhant asked.

  ‘Chanakyapuri. It’s Laila’s parents’ house, actually. But her mom went to Patna to teach at this really good school last year for a few months, and ended up taking a permanent position. This way she can be close to her parents, who are not in the best of health. Laila wasn’t happy about her mom abandoning her, but she has me as her roommate instead, so she can’t complain,’ Maahi said proudly.