The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  ‘You’re leaving me?’ Akriti was stunned. For a moment, she forgot her anger and studied his face.

  ‘Yes. We can’t be together anymore. I’ve tried to tell you this without hurting you for a long time … but there isn’t any other way. I don’t know what else to do but be honest with you. I can’t be with you anymore. I really cannot do this,’ Siddhant said softly. ‘This is the only way either of us can recover from this mess. And I’m not talking about just last night. I’m talking about before that – we’ve both been unhappy this entire time. We make each other really miserable. And that’s no way to live.’

  ‘I make you miserable?’ Akriti questioned, the hurt glistening in her eyes.

  ‘I’m not saying it’s all you. I’m to blame too. I’m just not strong enough to give you the kind of support you need to recover from your loss. I should’ve realized that sooner and helped you find someone who could. We’ve talked about you going to therapy so many times now. Repeatedly. But it hasn’t happened. And over time, instead of getting better, things have only become worse …’ Siddhant paused. His thoughts were scattered. He was afraid that words would come out of his mouth in a manner she might find hurtful.

  ‘So you’re saying my father dying has been super inconvenient for you, you asshole?’

  Siddhant ignored the profanity. ‘I’m not saying that at all. I empathize with you and your situation. I care about you and truly feel for you, but no matter how hard I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to help you, have I? Maybe in the beginning … I was able to make you feel better momentarily, but that’s all. And it wasn’t enough.’

  ‘I can be better … I’ll go to therapy …’

  ‘You’ve said that before. But you haven’t. And now it’s too late. Whatever chance we had to fall in love … we don’t anymore. Too much has happened for us to forget and start over now.’

  Akriti sat down suddenly as if her legs were no longer able to bear her weight. Siddhant could tell that she was finally listening to him, and capitalized on the moment.

  ‘Akriti, the truth is that we never really loved each other. Ask yourself if you ever truly loved me. Maybe you needed someone, and I was there for you. Maybe some of the feelings we felt were projected. The idea of it was romantic … coming together in this storm. But think back to our first date: Did you feel anything towards me? Did you even like me? Would we have gone on a second date?’

  ‘You never loved me? From day one? You’ve never even liked me?’ Akriti looked at him accusingly.

  ‘I’m saying that things might’ve played out differently in different circumstances. I don’t know. I really have no way of knowing what could’ve happened. But I can tell you what did happen … Okay, okay, forget about the past and everything else in our lives … Just think about this – why should we stay together now? Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want me in your life?’

  ‘Because you’re my boyfriend!’

  ‘Do you just need a boyfriend, or do you need me?’

  ‘What kind of a question is that? You’re my boyfriend. I need you,’ Akriti cried.

  ‘Okay, then tell me what it is that I have that you want from your boyfriend? Think about it.’ When Akriti didn’t say anything, Siddhant continued. ‘The truth is that you don’t even like me. You don’t like my friends, you make fun of my interests, you don’t want to do the things I like, you have no idea how my relationship with my family is – or anything at all that’s important to me. You don’t like me or care about me. You don’t even know me!’

  Siddhant tried not to sound hurt when he said that, but couldn’t help it. He’d been suffocating in this relationship for months and months, losing a little bit of himself daily, and never once had she cared enough to take even the slightest interest in his life. Never. Not once had she even asked him how he was doing.

  Because she looked so hurt, he continued, ‘And I know that it’s not necessarily your fault that you’ve … that I’ve been neglected throughout this relationship. I understand your circumstances, I know the state of mind you’ve been in, and how hard it’s been for you … But whatever the reason is, the truth remains that in all these months that we’ve been together, you have never cared about me.’

  In the stunned silence that followed, Siddhant waited patiently for Akriti to say something, grateful that she was finally paying attention to him. Obviously, he’d given her much less credit than she deserved. For a moment, he relaxed. Maybe things would be okay after all …

  And then, the moment passed.

  Akriti stood up forcefully, and spat, ‘Nice try! First you cheat on me, and then you have the balls to come here and try to turn this around on me? Do you think I’m stupid?’

  Siddhant got up too. ‘I wanted to talk about why you and I shouldn’t be together … the fact that we don’t love each other, and are in a dysfunctional relationship. That’s what this conversation was about.’

  ‘Right. Because you didn’t want to talk about that bitch—’

  Siddhant raised his voice enough to drown hers. ‘But sure, if you’d rather talk about Maahi, and how I’m in love with her, we can do that too. Just know that these are two separate issues. Even without Maahi in the picture, you and I are still not right for each other. We still make each other miserable. I would still want to break up.’

  ‘Don’t try to change the topic! Did you sleep with her?’ Akriti cried.

  ‘No. I mean, yes, technically, we fell asleep together, but we didn’t sleep together,’ Siddhant said.

  ‘Oh, please! You expect me to believe that you spent the night with your ex and nothing happened? Do you think I was born yesterday?’

  ‘We kissed.’ Even though he was telling the truth, the kisses he had shared with Maahi felt far too special to fall under the mere we kissed category.

  ‘Right. And I’m the dumbest girl on the planet,’ Akriti snorted. She shook her head angrily. ‘Did you think about me at all? Or how I would feel?’

  Siddhant paused. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he didn’t want to lie to her either. He had to be honest. ‘No,’ he said slowly. ‘For once, I only thought about myself. About my own happiness.’ He stopped himself from adding because no one else thinks about it – that would be too cruel. No one else was responsible for his happiness.

  ‘Wow. Not once! I didn’t cross your mind once.’ Akriti was crying bitterly, her voice shaking.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you,’ Siddhant said sincerely.

  That seemed to make Akriti angrier. ‘Saying sorry doesn’t make things okay! You can’t expect to get away with just about anything by saying a stupid sorry. And why the fuck are you so fucking calm?’

  She was trying to get a rise out of him, but he stayed firm in his resolve – no matter what happened, he would stand his ground and say everything he had to say. ‘Akriti, I care about you, but this had to end. I can’t help you by being your boyfriend. We’ve tried. It doesn’t work.’

  ‘You just want to run to her.’

  ‘I want to do the right thing. Do you want to be with someone you don’t love? Who’s in love with someone else? We have to do what’s right, for all of us.’

  ‘You mean you and her!’ Akriti shouted. ‘Don’t you fucking try to patronize me! Don’t pretend to know how I feel. I love you, and I won’t let you go. Do you hear me? You can’t leave me; I won’t let you!’

  Siddhant struggled to maintain his composure. ‘You can’t keep me against my will. When one person in a relationship doesn’t want it anymore, the relationship ends. There is no—’

  ‘No, it doesn’t! Not with me. I need you. If you leave me now, and something happens to me … you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.’ Akriti’s voice was eerily calm suddenly. Like it had been the last time she blackmailed him into staying with her by threatening to harm herself.

  Siddhant was terrified, but he spoke firmly, ‘That is extortion.’

  ‘Are you willing to risk
it?’ Akriti challenged. ‘Imagine tomorrow, you get a call from the hospital …’

  ‘Akriti.’ Siddhant couldn’t hide his anger. ‘If you do something rash, you’ll only be proving my point.’

  ‘Oh God! Don’t you get it? I don’t care. I don’t fucking care about anything anymore. What do I have to live for anyway? Everyone I love just leaves me. I have no one. No one! Nobody gives a fuck about me.’ Akriti was sobbing.

  ‘That is not true. I care about you. You have friends who love and support you. Your stepmom cares about you so much she left no stone unturned to protect you after the crash. You have your career – you’re a brilliant doctor. The world needs that,’ Siddhant said. He rubbed his forehead and continued gently, ‘I want to help you, Akriti, but I can’t do that as your boyfriend. As your boyfriend, I somehow always end up being on the opposite team … I don’t want that. I want to be on your team.’

  ‘Then why are you leaving me?’

  ‘Because I can’t live in fear and misery. I’m drowning. I feel the way you once told me you did, as if I’m being buried alive …’ Siddhant said. A tear escaped the corner of his eye as he looked into her crumpled face. ‘I can’t keep waiting for something else to happen. Constantly dreading what’s coming … I can’t stay with you, constantly dreading … I’m not equipped to take care of you. You need real help, Akriti. I can help you get it … but I’m just not the person who can give it.’

  ‘Siddhant …’ Akriti cried, wiping the tear from his face.

  He pressed her hand to his cheek for a moment then let it fall to her lap. ‘Do you believe me? Please tell me that you believe that I care about you. So much. And you’re right. If something happens to you, I’ll never recover … And after I leave, yes, I’ll be terrified that you’ll do something rash, but the truth is that even if we stay together, there is no guarantee that something bad won’t happen … that I won’t be equally terrified …’

  ‘I’ll try to be better …’ Sobs wrecked her body as she spoke, words barely escaping her mouth.

  Holding her gaze, he spoke from his heart, ‘And I’ll help you. I want you to get better, and feel better. I want you to not have to carry this weight of grief you carry around. It’s not fair to you. No one should have to experience a loss like that … but the truth is that all of us do, sooner or later. But there are resources … people and programmes that can help you. You just have to be brave, and be open to the idea of asking for help—’

  Even before he finished speaking, he knew he’d lost her again.

  Akriti’s jaw tightened, and she stood up. ‘I don’t need your fucking pity,’ she said through gritted teeth and stormed out.

  Chapter 21

  The following week Siddhant didn’t see Akriti even once. He checked her room for signs of activity, but nothing in there had moved since the day they broke up and she had walked out. With every passing hour, he got more and more worried. He tried to ask Prachi, but she didn’t give him the time of day. As far as she was concerned, he had wronged her friend and she wanted nothing to do with him. Siddhant was baffled; Prachi was at the party on the night of the crash, she had heard how unreasonable Akriti was being. But she clearly had a different idea of what had happened that night than he did, and he didn’t have the energy or the motivation to share his side of the story with her.

  He tried to call Maahi, but didn’t get a response. So he texted her, to which she simply asked, Is Akriti okay? When he said no, she wrote back: Then I can’t do this. I’m sorry.

  Siddhant didn’t try to change her mind. She was right. Love was supposed to be beautiful, not hurtful. He didn’t want to build a relationship with her on the ruins of another. She deserved better. So, no matter how desperately he wanted to be with her, or how hopeless he felt, he didn’t call her.

  When Siddhant entered the cafeteria, he was lost in thought. Two weeks had passed since he had last seen Akriti, and there was still no trace of her. He was miserable, constantly wondering if she was okay, but the fact that there was no news from anyone about her at all provided a little relief – he took it to mean that nothing bad had happened. Because … if it had, they would definitely have heard something …

  He picked a chicken sandwich and water and took his tray back to his usual table. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Priyesh sitting a few tables away, looking at his phone. On an impulse, Siddhant walked over to him, set his tray on the table and sat down on the seat facing his friend.

  ‘Hi,’ Siddhant said, making himself comfortable. He started eating, as if it was the most natural thing to do. ‘How’s it going?’

  ‘What do you want?’ Priyesh said stonily.

  ‘To talk to my friend. And apologize to him.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘You were right, from the beginning. You were right about Akriti and me being in a loveless relationship, and about her needing help. You were right to suggest that I should break up with her—’

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, this is fun, but I didn’t hear an apology …’

  ‘You’re such a jerk!’

  ‘Whoa! Literally the worst apology in the history of apologies,’ Priyesh said, clearly enjoying himself at Siddhant’s expense.

  Siddhant took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry. You were right, and I should’ve listened to you.’

  ‘But instead of doing that, you chose to let that girl do her best to kill us,’ Priyesh said seriously. ‘And you let her get away with it! After she did that to us. To you! What was that about not filing an FIR? Did you forget how battered up you were? How our cars never recovered?’

  ‘Akriti’s mom did pay for the damage to the cars, and at the end of the day, cars can be replaced. What I’m really sorry for is … putting you in the line of fire. I could never imagine that you would be caught up in this mess and get hurt. And trust me, it’s something I’ll always regret,’ Siddhant said sincerely.

  ‘Yeah, uh,’ Priyesh said, uncomfortable with this show of feeling. ‘It’s okay. Wasn’t your fault. I was just mad that you didn’t care about me when you woke up and you know, didn’t want revenge or whatever,’ he said very fast.

  ‘Valid. From now on, I’ve got your back,’ Siddhant said, trying to sound airy.

  ‘Cool.’

  Embarrassed by the honesty and the exchange of emotions, they concentrated on their food for the next few minutes. Siddhant was relieved that Priyesh had forgiven him, and hadn’t asked whether Akriti was still in his life or not. He didn’t know how to answer that question. He remembered Priyesh’s ultimatum full well – that Siddhant had to choose between him and Akriti.

  Siddhant wanted to ask where Priyesh was living, and whether he would consider coming back, but he couldn’t do that either, since Akriti had moved into Priyesh’s room where all of her stuff still remained. In any case, Siddhant figured there would be plenty of time to talk about all that. For now, he was just glad that he could eat lunch with his best friend.

  Three weeks after Akriti disappeared, Siddhant began to really lose his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He’d tried reaching out to everyone he could think of – friends, colleagues, her stepmom – without luck. The people at the hospital only seemed interested in sensationalizing the situation for the sake of gossip, never trying to actually contribute in helping. Her friends had frozen him out, refusing to talk to him. Her stepmom was unreachable the few times he tried calling her; nor had she replied to his fervent messages.

  Siddhant didn’t know what to do with himself. He went through his day like a robot, but inside, he was holding on for dear life. What if something terrible had happened …?

  One night after work, unable to control himself, Siddhant called Maahi. He didn’t think about reason or logic. He didn’t consider that nothing had changed since they last spoke, so she was likely to still refuse to speak with him. He simply called her and hoped that she would answer.

  ‘Hi Siddhant,’ Maahi said, picking up after four rings.

 
‘Maahi.’ He closed his eyes and let the sound of her voice soothe his troubled mind.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  Her tone was concerned, which he found comforting. However, he wanted to follow her wishes and not involve her in his mess, so he didn’t unburden on her.

  ‘I was thinking about you,’ he said simply.

  ‘That’s sweet,’ Maahi said. He could hear her smile through the phone, and it warmed his heart.

  ‘Have you been thinking about me?’

  ‘I’ve been trying not to …’

  ‘Is it working?’

  ‘Siddhant,’ Maahi sighed. ‘You know I can’t—’

  ‘I know, I know. Don’t say it.’

  They stopped talking, but remained on the phone for a few moments. Finally, Maahi asked, ‘How is Akriti?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Siddhant answered truthfully. ‘I haven’t heard from her since the night I told her it was over.’

  ‘Did you tell her … about us?’

  ‘Yes, I did.’

  There was a pause. When Maahi spoke finally, Siddhant could hear the fear in her voice. ‘Siddhant … that’s not good. Has anyone else heard from her? Oh God …’

  ‘Listen, Maahi. Don’t worry about her. I shouldn’t have said anything,’ Siddhant said. ‘There’s no reason to be concerned. I’m sure she just needed some time away from me to think. I’m sure she’s okay.’

  Siddhant spoke with way more conviction than he felt, cursing himself for telling Maahi anything. It wasn’t her problem and she shouldn’t have to feel responsible. If there was anyone to blame, it was he. He was the one who’d gone to see Maahi while he was still in a relationship.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Maahi asked, sounding uncertain.

  ‘Please don’t worry. I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry for involving you in this mess. I just … needed to hear your voice,’ he confessed.

  ‘Siddhant …’ Maahi sounded pained.

  Siddhant gulped and hung up. He felt completely helpless. His life was crumbling around him. He would be responsible for what happened to Akriti. He couldn’t be with the love of his life. He couldn’t even breathe.