The Reason is You

by Nikita Singh

  Laila rolled her eyes at her, and continued speaking on the phone as the three of them set out together.

  The evening ended up being a lot less weird than Siddhant had anticipated. He had driven to Chanakyapuri, following Maahi and Laila’s car, cursing himself for committing to this, and freaking out about how awkward it would be. However, once they arrived, and JD joined them, he found himself having a really good time.

  He’d met JD once before, at Maahi’s birthday party, but hadn’t really got a chance to interact with him. JD was a riot – and JD and Laila together were something special. There was never a dull moment. Siddhant had always liked Laila, and was glad to find out that the feeling hadn’t changed. She was witty and funny, with a good heart, and he could see how in love JD and Laila were with each other.

  After they’d eaten enough, Laila and JD went to get dressed. Maahi and Siddhant just sat back and watched them argue about outfits and traffic and Punjabi music and tequila as they kept disappearing from and reappearing into the room.

  Siddhant was nibbling on some fried rice when Laila walked into the living room holding up two dangling earrings. ‘These ones?’ she said.

  ‘I like them!’ Maahi gave her a thumbs-up.

  ‘Mmm, I don’t know. They kind of clash with my shoes,’ she said to herself and vanished again.

  ‘My hair won’t behave. I told you I need a cut,’ JD yelled from the other room.

  ‘Don’t you dare bring scissors near those beautiful curls,’ Laila yelled back.

  ‘Or what?’

  ‘Do you really want to find out?’

  There was a pause that suggested JD didn’t want to find out. Maahi put a fork-full of noodles in her mouth.

  It took Laila and JD a long time to leave the house, but when they did … they were gone. Siddhant abruptly realized that he was alone with Maahi. He’d been too distracted by Laila and JD’s shenanigans to think about what he would say to Maahi once they were alone.

  Suddenly the air was thick with silence. Maahi looked at him, her mouth slightly open again. He saw the girl he’d fallen in love with two years ago … the girl he’d never stopped loving. Her big, brown eyes, with kindness in them. Her generous spirit. Her good heart. Her fierce ambition. Her unwavering loyalty. It was all there.

  She was looking up at him with questions in her eyes. A little confusion, a little sadness.

  Siddhant said the words before he could stop himself. ‘I love you.’

  Her eyes widened in surprise and she inhaled softly. He leaned towards her and pressed a kiss on her lips. Just for a second, just a little touch, and then he pulled back. He looked into her eyes.

  ‘I love you, Maahi,’ he said again, and his heart soared.

  Chapter 19

  ‘Siddhant,’ Maahi whispered.

  ‘I never stopped loving you. I trained myself not to think about you, and tricked myself into believing that I had moved on, but the truth is that I never stopped loving you,’ Siddhant confessed. None of his nervousness was evident in his tone. He sounded confident, sure of himself and every word he was saying.

  ‘You’re with Akriti.’ Maahi let that statement hang in the air. It wasn’t a question, she didn’t add to it or ask for an explanation. It was a fact.

  Siddhant searched for a response to that which wouldn’t end the conversation right there. He didn’t want to talk about Akriti, not right now. Right now, it was about how he felt about Maahi. ‘There are these … social conventions. These rules and regulations. Binding laws that don’t allow us to be ourselves and do what brings us happiness. I refuse to follow them. Not anymore,’ he said.

  ‘What are you saying?’ Maahi whispered.

  ‘I’m saying that I love you. And nothing else matters to me.’

  Maahi was looking at him with an inscrutable expression. He watched as sadness and confusion slowly gave way to realization and … Was that happiness? His heart thumped loudly in his chest, ready to jump out of his body.

  ‘Forget about everything else. The past, the future. Right now, in this moment, how do you feel?’ Siddhant asked, his voice shaking. He took her hand, partly in order to stop his own from trembling.

  Maahi’s face scrunched up, as if she was in agony. ‘I’m scared. I don’t know what to say …’

  ‘Maahi … do you still care about me?’

  ‘Of course I care about you. What kind of question is that? You know that I care about you.’

  ‘Do you still love me?’

  There was a pause. She gripped his hand tighter, and her eyes filled with tears. She looked down, causing a teardrop to escape through the corner of an eye, and murmured, ‘Yes.’

  Siddhant released a deep breath, the air returning to his lungs all at once. His chest rose and fell quickly, as he hooked his finger under her chin and tipped up her face. ‘Say it,’ he said, his eyes boring into hers, ‘please say it.’

  ‘I love you,’ Maahi uttered breathlessly.

  Siddhant’s arms went around her and he pulled her into a crushing hug. Their hearts beat next to each other’s, both restless, both soaring. ‘I love you … I love you,’ he whispered repeatedly with his nose sunk into her hair, breathing her in. It was a wonderful feeling … remembering the feel and the smell from memory, and experiencing it in such vivid detail in the present, all his senses alight.

  Maahi’s hand, which had been resting on Siddhant’s shoulder, slid to his neck, and further up to his jaw. She let it rest there. He could feel his pulse throb under her palm. Her other hand clutched his back. She rested her chin on his shoulder, causing all of her hair to fall forward and cover her face.

  Her scent strong in his nose, he inhaled it deeply. The warmth of her body, the steady beating of her heart against his, the way she was holding him … this was his home. She was his home. His heart was overflowing with joy. He hadn’t felt this exhilarated since … in more than a year.

  But in the next second, he felt Maahi stiffen in his embrace. She loosened her grip around him, and pulled back to look at him. Her voice was low. He could barely hear her when she said, ‘But what about …? Siddhant …’

  ‘Shh.’ Siddhant placed a finger on her lips. ‘No buts. Please. Whatever it is – does it matter? In this moment, where there’s you and me, and we’re here … with each other. Does anything else matter?’

  Maahi looked at him for a long moment then slowly shook her head. She relaxed again, and allowed herself to be pulled into another embrace. This time, it was Siddhant who pulled away. He placed both his hands under her jaw, cradling her face. Gazing deeply into her eyes, he leaned closer and touched his lips to hers. Maahi’s mouth opened with a soft exhalation. Siddhant locked his lips with hers and kissed her. They didn’t come up for air for several minutes. All of Siddhant’s senses were awakened. This felt like heaven. His hands slid into her hair and her arms went around him, clasping him to her.

  Now that he was kissing her, now that he’d had a taste, he realized he would never have enough. He was breathless, kissing her deeper, terrified that the moment would end, the magic enveloping them would disappear. There was a desperation in the kiss, the kind he’d never felt before.

  His hand slid down her back and rested on her waist, urging her closer. Maahi moaned softly and the sound sent a rush of warmth to his extremities. She was clinging to him as desperately as he was to her – the moment was an intoxicating mix of all the sensations they were experiencing in the present and their beautiful memories from their past. He kissed her as though his life depended on it, as if kissing her was the only thing that could save him. He nudged her nose with his, lost in the blissful warmth and softness of her mouth.

  ‘Siddhant …’ Maahi murmured.

  Siddhant pulled back long enough to ask, ‘Yes, Maahi?’ before leaning towards her again.

  Maahi placed a firm hand on his chest to keep him from kissing her. ‘Are we bad people? Is this wrong?’

  ‘This is the only thing that’s right. In all the chaos in
the world, this is the only thing that makes sense,’ Siddhant said passionately, believing every word.

  ‘Oh, Siddhant.’ Maahi pulled him back towards her and kissed him urgently.

  Siddhant woke up with a smile on his face. It took him a minute to remember where the happiness was coming from. Then his eyes fell on Maahi … sleeping on her side, her face turned towards him, shining in the morning light. There. She was the source of his happiness.

  He watched her for several moments as she slept, her body rising and falling gently with every breath. The curtains on her windows were partially open, casting a glow in the room, lighting up her beautiful face. How could he have let her go? Why hadn’t he fought for her when she’d left him?

  He cursed himself for his naivety. The night they’d broken up, standing outside her bakery, in the darkness, under the stars, they’d seen no other way. He had felt betrayed by her; she had felt neglected by him. He had been drowning in his medical studies; she’d been struggling to build a sustainable business. The timing was wrong. Breaking up had made sense. It had been easy.

  But it had ended up being the hardest thing he’d ever done. He hadn’t realized how much he loved her and needed her until she had returned in his life. It was only then that he realized that without her he’d been okay, living, but with her, he felt alive. As if there was a reason, a purpose, something bigger than him at play.

  Maahi’s eyelids flickered open. She saw him and froze. ‘Siddhant.’

  ‘Good morning,’ Siddhant said, smiling.

  ‘You have to leave,’ she said without preamble. She sat up on the bed, pushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ears. ‘Siddhant, you can’t be here.’

  The magic was over. The bubble had burst. They were back to reality now. Siddhant sat up too and tried to take her hand, but she pulled away. ‘Maahi …’

  ‘You have to go now,’ she said firmly.

  She looked agonized, and Siddhant felt incredibly guilty for causing her to feel that way. He got up from the bed and backed away. ‘Okay, I’ll go. But can we at least talk before you kick me out?’ he said. ‘Please?’

  ‘You don’t understand. This is not right,’ Maahi said desperately, fidgeting with the sleeve of her T-shirt. ‘We can’t be together. You’re in a relationship, for God’s sake!’

  ‘It’s not a real relationship!’

  ‘Does Akriti know that?’ Maahi retorted. ‘Whatever it is, it’s still a relationship. This is wrong.’

  Siddhant changed track. ‘I should never have let you go. I know there were problems … serious problems. But we should’ve tried to work through them. I should’ve insisted. It would’ve been hard … but being away from you was harder. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do …’

  ‘It doesn’t matter anymore!’ Maahi said. ‘Yes, I’ve thought about you every single day since we’ve been apart. Yes, I’ve missed you terribly. Yes, I’ve regretted ever letting you go. But none of that matters right now! This is about right and wrong. And us being together like this is wrong.’

  ‘Look me in the eye and tell me that it feels wrong to you,’ Siddhant challenged.

  ‘It doesn’t matter how it feels. The fact is that it is wrong. It’s not just about the two of us. There are other people involved who will get hurt. Akriti will get hurt. If we’re going behind her back, keeping her in the dark … How is that not self-serving? I can’t do that to her. We can’t be deceiving.’

  ‘I don’t intend to deceive her. I have every intention of telling her. If you know me at all, you know that I’m not going to lie to her about this. Do you believe me?’

  ‘I do. But I can’t be involved in this. Whatever’s going on between Akriti and you … I can’t help you with it anymore. Not now when … when there’s another agenda … I could’ve helped you as a friend, but we’ve crossed a line now. It’s too complicated. You have to sort it out with her. It’s not my place to interfere,’ Maahi said, her hand on her forehead, her eyes darting from one object in the room to another, as if trying to collect all of her scattered thoughts.

  ‘I know! I’m not asking you to have a secret affair with me or something. That’s not fair to you! You deserve much more. I would never do that to you. Or Akriti,’ Siddhant said earnestly. ‘I promise you, I will talk to her. I just … I need to figure out how. It’s not easy … She’s not in a good place.’

  Siddhant paused, his heart sinking at the thought of having to go back home to Akriti. What was he going to tell her, and how? What was she going to say?

  After a few moments of silence, in which they both battled with their thoughts, Maahi spoke, in a much calmer tone. ‘No matter how I see it, I can’t reconcile with the fact that by being together, we’re causing someone pain. That’s not the foundation of a good relationship. It’s not the foundation I want to build our relationship on. We’ve already messed this up once. And this time too it’s messy right from the beginning … And that’s not okay. Love doesn’t look like this. Love should be beautiful. It shouldn’t cause someone pain.’

  Siddhant nodded, shoving his hands in his pant pockets. He wanted to say something, but words failed him. Nothing he could say would change her mind. He didn’t want to change her mind. He didn’t want to give her hope when he himself felt so hopeless suddenly. There was nothing to do but leave. When he reached her bedroom door, he turned back to look at her one last time. She was sitting on the bed with her legs folded under her, staring at the floor.

  He wanted to ask her to wait for him. But knowing Akriti … what were the chances that this wouldn’t hurt her? In the past, she’d lashed out at much smaller things. And this was big, life-changing. His heart sank. Would he ever get his life back? Would he ever be happy again?

  Chapter 20

  On the drive home, Siddhant tried to think of the best way to tell Akriti. He was worried that she would threaten to harm herself again. He was fairly sure that, having done so once before, she wasn’t above blackmailing him again. But it hadn’t really worked the last time, had it? She’d made him stay, yes, but couldn’t possibly think theirs was a good relationship. Surely, she wasn’t happy either.

  When he reached home, he still didn’t know what he would say; the only thing he had decided on was that he would be firm. He would be kind, and logical, and he would try to make her see reason, but he would stand his ground.

  No matter what.

  It was a little after 9 a.m. when he unlocked the front door and entered the apartment. He was preparing himself for confrontation but he found confrontation waiting for him. Akriti was sitting at the kitchen counter, her legs crossed, her body turned towards the front door, holding a mug. She was looking straight at him.

  ‘Welcome back,’ she said, her lips stretching in a tight smile.

  How long had she been sitting there like that, waiting for him like some sort of a sinister villain in a bad drama?

  ‘How was she?’ Akriti asked, her eyes narrowed.

  ‘How was who?’ Siddhant asked. Who could she possibly be talking about? When he had left home the night before, he himself hadn’t known where he was going. How could Akriti?

  ‘The girl you were with. You were with some girl, weren’t you?’

  ‘Why would you jump to a conclusion like that?’

  ‘Answer the question.’ Akriti gritted her teeth.

  ‘I wasn’t with some girl. I didn’t go out looking to find some girl. I was with Maahi,’ Siddhant said.

  ‘Maahi?!’ Akriti uncrossed her legs and gave Siddhant a steely glare. ‘After you explicitly told me there was nothing going on between the two of you? That Maahi?’

  ‘I never lied to you. There wasn’t anything going on between Maahi and me—’

  ‘Wasn’t? So there is now?’

  ‘No. I mean I don’t know. Akriti, I have to talk to you about something,’ Siddhant said. He sat down on the chair next to her and spoke calmly. ‘We can talk about Maahi if you want, but I need to talk to you about somethin
g important first.’

  ‘Well, I want to talk about Maahi!’ Akriti’s voice was rising.

  ‘Okay, but first listen to me …’

  ‘Are you listening to yourself? You left last evening, without explanation, and didn’t come back all night. Like, what the fuck! I was worried sick! What if something had happened to you?’

  ‘I had my phone with me. If you were worried—’

  ‘What? I should’ve called you? Like some kind of loser chasing after you?’ Akriti was screaming now. ‘Don’t I have any self-respect?’

  ‘I didn’t say that. I meant that if you were so worried about me, you could’ve called me. I never miss your calls, you know that. When have I ever not taken your calls or not responded to your texts?’

  Akriti changed track, her voice shaking with anger. ‘Why didn’t you just tell me where you were going? You could’ve just told me when you were leaving that you were going to see that whore—’

  ‘Akriti!’ Siddhant thundered. ‘Do not talk about her like that!’

  ‘Why not? That’s what she is—’

  Frustrated, Siddhant ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Just stop for a second and listen to me, Akriti! Please. Sit back down and hear me out. There is no need to yell or call anyone names. We’re both adults, capable of having a reasonable conversation,’ he insisted. He couldn’t let Akriti’s anger distract him. He was determined to make his intentions clear once and for all.

  ‘How can we have a reasonable conversation when you’re going to behave like an animal, going behind my back and cheating on me?’ Akriti waved her arms madly in the air. ‘I can’t believe this is happening! How could you do this to me?’

  ‘My intention wasn’t to hurt you,’ Siddhant said, struggling to keep control. He spoke in a quieter, firmer tone. ‘Last night, when I said I was leaving, I meant that I was leaving this … all of this.’ He paused. ‘You.’