Happily Ever After: The Life-Changing Power of a Grateful Heart

by Sutter, Trista

  Here’s the rundown: First, I make sure to choose appropriate stationery. If I’m responding to a kindness shown to our family of four, I reach for the personalized “The Sutters” note cards. If I’m writing someone who has done something nice for me, Ryan, Max, or Blakesley individually, I use customized cards for each of us. That’s not to say that cards you buy in bulk at Costco or Walmart or your local gift shop won’t do the trick (I have lots of those for when I run out of the personalized goodies), but I have a bit of an infatuation with pretty paper and think it gives the card that little extra touch. I then address and stamp the corresponding envelope and stuff it in my collection folder with a pen and the notepad where I keep track of all the notes I’ve written in the past few years. That way, when I find the time to write, it’s all right there in one spot. Keeping track may seem incredibly silly, but I’ve been known to write someone twice, and although it may be doubly nice, it’s also a waste of time (and embarrassing to boot).

  For some fun examples of how to go about writing a thoughtful note of thanks, as well as my favorite paper sources, flip through to the “Resource-full” chapter at the end of the book … but make sure to come back and finish the rest!

  Send an E-mail

  Although I don’t think traditional etiquette experts would approve, times have changed, and at certain moments, an e-mail will do the trick for expressing your thanks. I’m a huge fan of websites like Smilebox.com and PaperlessPost.com, but even without their help of designer virtual greetings, a sincerely written message sent via e-mail is a great runner-up option.

  Take the story of my friend Ellen. A few years ago, her ex-husband’s mother passed away. Ellen hadn’t seen her former in-laws since she separated from her husband about five years earlier, but her mother-in-law in particular remained very near and dear to her heart. Throughout the ten years Ellen was part of that family, her mother-in-law had embraced her like a long-lost daughter. Knowing how Ellen felt about his mom, her ex was kind enough to call her the morning the older woman died. His sister, Ellen’s former sister-in-law, subsequently let her know when and where the wake and funeral would take place. So, as potentially awkward as it would be for Ellen to show up, especially because her ex-husband had a new life with a new wife and baby by then, she gathered up the courage to pay her respects.

  When Ellen arrived at the wake, she was surprised by the (mostly) welcoming and lovely attitude of her former family members—even receiving an invitation to dinner with them afterward. The next day at the church, though, was noticeably different. During the funeral service, the family gathered in the front pews, as is custom, and Ellen found herself sitting alone near the back of the church. She told me that it was about the loneliest she has ever felt.

  At the end of the service, the people Ellen used to call family walked out behind the casket, with friends and acquaintances following behind. One woman she had known back in high school looked over at her, saw what a wreck she was, and stepped out of the procession to give her a hug and say, “I know how much she meant to you.” Ellen described it as one of the most amazing things anyone had ever done for her—a simple gesture, yet incredibly poignant and appreciated.

  When Ellen got home, the first thing she did was try to track down this old acquaintance’s e-mail address. When she found it, she sent along her sincere thanks. No matter what she did to thank this woman for her gesture, Ellen knows that it couldn’t match the effect it had on her. Though it was one of the saddest days she has ever experienced, a woman she knew back in high school saved it from being one of total devastation. Ellen knows her method of thanks wasn’t Emily Post–worthy, but in a world of instant messages at your fingertips, Ellen did the best she could. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

  Reach Out and Touch Someone

  My mom will gladly tell you that her favorite thing is a hug. In fact, you could call my entire family “huggers.” For us, it’s an instant way of connecting with the ones we love and showing that we care. But hugs don’t have to be limited to family or close friends. They can also be a heartfelt way of expressing gratitude to a nurse who cared for you in the hospital or a hairstylist who gave you the potential for a month of good hair days. We all know how to use our arms, so don’t be shy—just do it!

  And if body contact is a little too close for comfort, why not try the age-old tradition of a handshake. I remember sitting in the theater as the movie Argo was coming to a close. I won’t give away the surprises, but the film is based on a true story about what one man and our government did to save the lives of a group of diplomats trapped in Iran. (I highly recommend it!) I realize that what I was seeing and hearing on the movie screen was being performed by actors who had been given a set dialogue of lines, but one particular scene seemed so authentic and so perfectly fitted to this type of thanks that I had to share.

  One of the diplomats, who hadn’t been especially kind to the man who was trying to save him, realized that he owed his rescuer a genuine gesture of gratitude. So he approached him and simply reached out his hand.

  No words were spoken, only handshakes exchanged.

  In shaking his hand, he modestly communicated his thanks in a touching way—something any one of us could do in real life.

  Share a Favorite Treat

  Every circumstance calls for a specific action, and sometimes a handshake, hug, or thank you via snail mail or electronic mail just doesn’t cut it. When someone goes above and beyond the call of duty as a friend or coworker or family member, they deserve a note that accompanies something bigger, better, and maybe even tastier. When Molly Mesnick (the beautiful wife of Jason Mesnick) helped me bring to life a philanthropic idea, her hard work deserved much more than a note.

  Time to rewind . . .

  I reached out to her and a group of folks I knew from my television family of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for their thoughts on gathering together clothing and accessories we had all worn while appearing on the ABC shows and auctioning off the items for a good cause. I had always felt that my televised outfits were meant for much more than collecting dust in my closet, even if they weren’t quite up to par with the current stylish standards of the show, and they could raise much-needed money for any number of different charities. Molly immediately agreed and offered her support. She connected me with the like-minded folks at eDrop-Off, who helped us create an event in Chicago that raised $10,000 for the American Red Cross. I was ecstatic! Without Molly’s help (or everybody at eDrop-Off or all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes who donated their goodies), though, I couldn’t have turned my vision into reality.

  I didn’t feel like a note or e-mail would do the trick alone, and since we had just celebrated the success of the event in the Windy City, I knew she would appreciate an old Chicago staple of deliciousness—Garrett popcorn—so I sent her a tin of my favorite combo. In this case, it’s not necessarily just the thought that counts. Think about flavor, presentation, and whether it will stay fresh on a trip across the country, and try not to get jealous of what they will soon be devouring. If you are, though, you can always order yourself a little treat at the same time!

  Bloom Where You Are Planted

  Nothing is quite like getting a knock on the door and opening it to find someone from your favorite flower shop obscured by a beautiful arrangement of flowers. I recently received a small but stunning floral gift from my friends at the Vail Valley Medical Center after doing my best to raise funds for their second annual “Pink Vail” fund-raiser. I had received verbal and electronic thank-yous from their staff for the donations I was able to elicit, which would help fund programs at the Shaw Regional Cancer Center, but I was pleasantly surprised that they would take the time to seek out my favorite flower shop (VailVintageMagnolia.com) and have them put together something just for me. Every time I walked by our dining room table, sat down to eat, or caught a glimpse of the roses, cabbage, greenery, and purple cremon from another room, I smiled. The flowers may not have lasted forever, but I will
always remember their beauty and the thoughtfulness that brought them my way.

  Use Your Words

  In the movie I Don’t Know How She Does It, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character is teased for constantly saying thank you. Of course, it was a movie peopled with made-up characters, but it was surprising to me that anyone would ever think that you could say those two important words too much, unless it was consistently insincere. And since notes or gifts aren’t necessary, say the experts, when it comes to thanking your husband for picking up the mail or your father-in-law for taking out the trash, I make sure to show my thanks verbally as often as possible. I believe that more is more when it comes to expressing your gratitude (clearly, or I wouldn’t have written this book), so I say it as many times as I can and I encourage you to do the same. The words “thank you” never get old.

  They may even be a welcome change, especially for those working in the service industry. Think about how many times you contact the manager or customer service department of a company with a complaint, compared with the number of calls you make to praise someone for a job well done.

  My friend Renee once called a pizza place to speak with the management after the staff went to great lengths to correct a messed-up order. The manager answered the phone in a tone that made her envision him thinking, “What am I going to be yelled at about this time?” Instead, Renee told him that she just wanted to thank them for going the extra mile. After a long pause, the manager said, “No one ever says thank you. That’s really great that you called.” Did it change the world? No. But it reminded her to express appreciation for even the small things. If I were a betting woman, I would wager that it probably stuck with that guy too. As Margaret Cousins, a writer and editor, once said, “Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.”

  So, if someone offers you exceptional service or even service accompanied by a rare smile, speak up and let them know you were paying attention.

  Tip Away

  My friend Liz lives in New Jersey—one of only two states in the US that does not allow you to pump your own gas at gas stations. For most of her life, though, she lived in New York, where full service was a choice. If you chose to request assistance in filling up your tank, it was customary to offer that person a tip.

  When she moved to New Jersey, the tipping habits she established in New York had been solidified, and Liz continued to give the attendant a dollar whenever she got gas. She was shocked by the huge smiles they would give her in return—it was a buck, for cryin’ out loud. Yes, it was their job to fuel up the cars that came through the station, but, like sticking something in the tip jars at your local coffee or sandwich shop or leaving a little cash behind for the housekeeping staff of your hotel, a monetary recognition of thanks isn’t necessary. It’s just nice.

  Tweet, Tweet

  For whatever reasons, more people take the time to complain than the time to praise, especially in our generation of social media. The Touch Agency reported that of the over 1 billion new Twitter posts each week during 2011, about 80 percent of those that related to customer service were critical. That’s a lot of negativity.

  Crying foul is certainly important in making sure to hold people and companies accountable, but even more important is providing praise for praiseworthy actions. Think of the Golden Rule: treat others how you’d like to be treated and don’t hold back when you receive excellent service.

  You may tell a manager how much you appreciate her hard work over the phone or in person, fill out a questionnaire and send it via snail mail, or e-mail a customer service rep, but in today’s age of technological connections to companies around the world, social media offers something the other options can’t: the ability to shout it from computerized rooftops.

  With the help of sites like Twitter, Facebook, and Google Plus, you can write up a review of your experience, click send, and in less than a nanosecond (or maybe a tad longer depending on whether the connection gods are happy with you), you can share your opinion with anyone who will listen, including the company you are pleasantly shouting about.

  By connecting the social-media dots between your friends, family, and followers with worthy companies deserving of their attention, you are saying thank you in the most far-reaching and potentially valuable way. Take advantage and make someone’s day (and maybe make your own in the process).

  SHARED WEALTH

  Knowing that I am by far not the end-all and be-all on the topic of expressing appreciation, I reached out to my virtual family and friends and asked their favorite ways to spread the love. Here are some of the standouts:

  •Jennifer Kimball: “We have a cute glass jar we keep in the kitchen. We place notes in the jar that capture little moments we have throughout the year that we are grateful for (fun day, cherished memory, etc.). On New Year’s Eve, we open the champagne and read through the notes from the year and look back with gratitude.”

  Similar to jotting down my favorite part of the day, then recording them in a book that contains my kiddos’ sayings and special moments, I am a huge fan of reflecting back on the year with this idea. Thanks, Jennifer!

  •Barb Sutter: “Today we just received a gift from a person we stayed with during a vacation we took to Palm Springs. We loved a smoker they had, and lo and behold we got one in the mail. Now . . . were they thanking us for making the trip, or are they just very thoughtful friends?”

  I don’t know, but regardless, I love the idea of thanking someone for taking the time out of their schedule to come visit you with a favorite gift from the trip!

  •Patty Borges: “Nothing says thank you like a good baked treat.”

  So true, Patty. So true.

  •Brenda Perry: “My daddy loved to drive, and he drove down a certain road every day, several times a day, until his death at age eighty-seven. My husband and I decided that the best way we could show everyone how much he was appreciated by his family was to adopt the highway where he traveled. So we adopted two stretches along that road and the sign reads ‘In Loving Memory of James Graham Roberts.’”

  I’m sure he smiles down on you and that sign every day, Brenda.

  •Jennifer MacNaughton Carabetta: “One of my favorites is for really good friends, when you know they are coming back from a trip, to have a dinner ready for them and some basics in their fridge. You have to have their house key to do this, but it’s the nicest thing ever to get home from traveling with kids and not have to worry about that! It’s really just a ‘thank you for being my wonderful friend!’ kind of thank-you, but you can always make a specific reason.”

  Great idea, Jennifer!

  •Samantha Higgins: “Handwritten thank-you notes and donations to charity in their honor are my top two faves.”

  Definitely two of my favorites as well . . . especially the charitable donation that keeps the positivity going!

  Order yourself a freshly minted batch of monogrammed stationery either through one of the websites I suggest in the “Resource-full” section or one you have used or had recommended to you. It’s a wonder what the gift of paper does and how much you’ll want to show it off.

  Think of three people who have done you a kindness in the past month, pull out one of your lovely new notes, and try out your sharpened skills. And if you aren’t a stranger to the handwritten process, think outside the box about how you can express your appreciation, just as my virtual friends and family did.

  Today, make it a point to say thank you to two people. Not just the standard “thanks” you give when someone holds a door open for you or hands you your change, but go above and beyond the norm by sending someone flowers, just because, or posting a positive comment on Facebook about an employee of a local company you use and love.

  As John F. Kennedy once said, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” That said, don’t ignore the guidelines of etiquette and for
get to formally thank those who show you kindnesses, but remember that the only way to keep a grateful attitude alive is to embody it through your actions.

  The Final Rose: My Thank-You Note to You

  You can’t leave a footprint that lasts if you’re always walking on tiptoe.

  —MARION C. BLAKEY

  THE FINAL ROSE

  OVER THE PAST TEN YEARS, I’VE PUT MYSELF OUT THERE for the world to watch and criticize and judge. At first it was about creating some excitement in my own life and experiencing a new adventure. As my “fifteen minutes” extended, though, my intentions turned instead to love and family and creating a happy future with the man of my dreams.

  Along the way, I’ve had many extraordinary opportunities. I’ve taken a ride in the Goodyear Blimp; had Ken Paves style my hair for an O magazine photo shoot; pet a baby tiger being held by the Jack Hanna; played baseball with my baseball idol, Hall of Fame shortstop Ozzie Smith; been named #7 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list; received a few hugs from Oprah; caught a pass from legendary quarterback Doug Flutie; been photographed for a “Got Milk?” ad by David LaChapelle; and had country music star Brad Paisley serenade me and my groom as we danced our first dance to a song my new husband had written me in the form of a poem during our courtship.

  Writing this book is now right up there too—even if you are the only person to read it.

  When I started posting my “favorite part of the day” on Twitter, my life changed. I had people cheering me on and saying things like: “a day without your favorite part of the day is like a day without sunshine”; and “your fave part of day is something I now look forward to. Love your happy energy. Share the smiles.” I realized, through the support of friends and family and followers, that even though I hadn’t earned a degree in positive psychology, I still had something to say—something I believed in, could be proud of, and could speak about from an authentic and inspirational place.