Happily Ever After: The Life-Changing Power of a Grateful Heart

by Sutter, Trista

  That something is gratitude.

  In an attempt to make this world shine a little brighter, join me in ending each day by acknowledging your “favorite part of the day.” Tweet it. Post it on your Facebook wall. Record it on your phone or write it down. It can be in a fancy antique leather-bound journal, something as simple as a marble composition book, or even a pad of sticky notes. At the end of each day, reflect on what you were grateful to have experienced. If it was one of the best days of your life, you may have a hard time making a choice. If it was one of your most challenging days, you may find that you are thankful merely for being alive. No matter the highs or the lows, there is always something to be thankful for . . . always.

  Gratitude is the glue that keeps our feet firmly planted on the ground.

  Gratitude is the light that shines when our world is darkened by clouds.

  Gratitude keeps us happy and healthy and focused on the little things that make a big difference in our world. Whether it’s a clean kitchen, your kids “swimming” in the bathtub, a simple chat with a cousin you’ve lost touch with, a stopped driver allowing you to cross the street in safety, or a flower growing amid a bed of weeds, we are all surrounded by opportunities to see the world through the brilliant light of positivity.

  I choose optimism.

  I choose silver linings.

  I choose gratitude.

  Resource-full

  Happiness is only real when shared.

  —CHRIS MCCANDLESS

  IN THE PAST TWO HUNDRED-PLUS PAGES, THE STORIES AND scientific research I have shared have all been done so in an effort to introduce you to or enhance the power of your own grateful heart. I am confident that if you embrace gratitude, you will find yourself being embraced by a heightened and more consistent joy. Instead of just asking you to believe me, though, I wanted to include the sources where I found much of my inspiration. Check them out if you don’t want the inspiration to stop!

  CHAPTER 1

  • How being grateful gives us increased energy, optimism, social connections, and happiness:

  —“Thank You. No Thank You: Grateful People Are Happier, Healthier Long After the Leftovers Are Gobbled Up,” Wall Street Journal, November 23, 2010.

  —“Practicing Gratitude Can Increase Happiness by 25%,” PsyBlog, September 10, 2007; www.spring.org.uk2007/09/practicing-gratitude-can-increase.php.

  • Amy Biehl’s story. Amy Biehl Foundation: AmyBiehl.org. See also excerpts of Paula Zahn’s interview with Amy’s mom, Linda Biehl, on CNN, December 9, 2004; www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/africa/12/09/biehl.

  CHAPTER 2

  • The benefits of dancing: Lane Anderson, “Mind Your Body: Dance Yourself Happy,” Psychology Today, July 1, 2010, and Madeline Knight, “9 Benefits of Dance,” EverydayHealth.com; www.everydayhealth.com/fitness-pictures/health-benefits-of-dance.aspx#/slide-l.

  • The benefits of meditation:

  —Adam Hoffman, “Study Reveals Benefits of Meditation,” Brown Daily Herald, February 22, 2013, citing a study led by Catherine Kerr, assistant professor of family medicine at Alpert Medical School and director of translational neuroscience for Brown University’s Contemplative Studies Initiative; www.browndailyherald.com/2013/02/22/study-reveals-benefits-of-meditation.

  —Four additional studies are cited in this blog about a TED talk given by a monk named Andy Puddicombe at the TEDSalon London in fall 2012: blog.ted.com/2013/01/11/4-scientific-studies-on-how-meditation-can-affect-your-heart-brain-and-creativity.

  • Oliver Burkman’s op-ed piece “The Power of Negative Thinking,” New York Times, August 4, 2012, can be found here: www.nytimes.com/2012/08/05/opinion/sunday/the-positive-power-of-negative-thinking.html?_r=0.

  • Ohio State University psychology professor Richard Petty’s three-part study on overcoming negative thinking is cited in “Bothered by Negative Thoughts? Just Throw Them Away” by Jeff Grabmeier in the Ohio State University Research and Innovation Communication, November 26, 2012; researchnews.osu.edu/archive/matthoughts.htm.

  CHAPTER 3

  • Amie M. Gordon’s research on the role of gratitude in healthy romantic relationships can be found in a study by Amie M. Gordon, Emily A. Impett, Aleksandr Kogan, Christopher Oveis, and Dacher Keltner, “To Have and to Hold: Gratitude Promotes Relationship Maintenance in Intimate Bonds,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 103, no. 2 (August 2012): 257–274. Gordon has written several articles on the subject as well, including these two: Amie M. Gordon, “Between You and Me: Why Some Relationships Work—and Others Don’t,” Psychology Today, March 1, 2013; www.psychologytoday.com/blog/between-you-and-me/201303/is-gratitude-the-antidote-relationship-failure; and Amie M. Gordon, “Gratitude Is for Lovers,” Greater Good, February 5, 2013; greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/gratitude_is_for_lovers.

  • How gratitude can get you through tough times: Jason Marsh, Lauren Klein, and Jeremy Adam Smith, “The Top 10 Insights from the ‘Science of a Meaningful Life’ in 2012,” Greater Good, January 3, 2013; http://www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_top_insights_from_the_science_of_a_meaningful_life_in_2012.

  • Dr. Terri Orbuch’s thoughts on what makes the happiest couples can be found in “Improve Your Marriage with One Little Word,” Huffington Post, November 22, 2011; www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/marriage-relationship-advice_b_l104814.html. Please also see her book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great (New York: Delacorte, 2009).

  CHAPTER 5

  • Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush’s Do You Know Scale: www.huffingtonpost.com/marshall-p-duke/the-stories-that-bind-us-_b_2918975.html.

  • Bruce Feiler, “The Stories that Bind Us,” New York Times, March 14, 2013; www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&.

  • Marshall P. Duke, “The Stories that Bind Us: What Are the Twenty Questions?” Huffington Post, March 23, 2013; www.huffingtonpost.com/marshall-p-duke/the-stories-that-bind-us-_b_2918975.html.

  CHAPTER 6

  • For a discussion on hope, please see psychology professor C. R. Snyder’s “Approaching Hope” in SGI Quarterly, January 2006, which is drawn from his study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 60; www.sgiquarterly.org/feature2006Jan-2.html.

  • How friends can make us healthy:

  —Tara Parker-Pope, “What Are Friends For? A Longer Life,” New York Times, April 20, 2009; www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html?_r=0.

  —Susan Gilbert, “Social Ties Reduce Risk of Cold,” New York Times, June 25, 1997; www.nytimes.com/1997/06/25/us/social-ties-reduce-risk-of-a-cold.html?src=pm.

  CHAPTER 7

  • How we spend our time, at work and at home:

  —“OECD Reveals Countries with Longest Working Hours,” Huffington Post, May 24, 2012; www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/24/11-countries-with-the-longest-working-hours_n_1543145.html.

  —“How Much Time on Average Is Spent in the Bathroom Over a Lifetime?” Answer.com; wiki.answers.com/Q/How_much_time_on_average_is_spent_in_the_bathroom_over_a_lifetime.

  —Lisa Belkin, “Time Wasted? Perhaps It’s Well Spent,” New York Times, May 31, 2007; www.nytimes.com/2007/05/31/fashion/31work.html?_r=0.

  • Why people leave their jobs:

  —Linda Oien, “People Quit Their Boss, Not Their Job: 4 Keys to Attracting and Retaining the Best and Brightest,” business-PATHS, 2011; businesspaths.net/Articles/12/people-quit-their-boss-not-their-job.

  —“No. 1 Reason People Quit Their Jobs” by the editors at Netscape; webcenters.netscape.compuserve.com/whatsnew/package.jsp?name=fte/quitjobs/quitjobs&floc=wn-dx.

  • What motivates workers to do a good job:

  —“APA Survey Finds Feeling Valued at Work Linked to Well-Being and Performance,” American Psychological Association, March 8, 2012, announcing the APA’s Stress in the Workplace Survey; www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2012/03/well-being.aspx.

  —On the Law of Effect, please see Cliffo
rd N. Lazarus, “Are You Teaching People to Treat You Badly?” Psychology Today, September 22, 2011; www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201109/are-you-teaching-people-treat-you-badly.

  CHAPTER 8

  • The benefits of generosity: Jason Marsh and Jill Suttie, “5 Ways Giving Is Good for You,” Greater Good, December 13, 2010; greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/5_ways_giving_is_good_for_you.

  • For the story of Julio Diaz or any of the other 40,000 stories collected by StoryCorps, please visit StoryCorps.org.

  • For Giuliana Rancic’s breast cancer journey, please see Diane Mapes’s story about her on the Today show website, Today.com, including links to a video of Giuliana’s announcement on Today about her illness and her decision to have a double mastectomy: www.today.com/id/45556523/site/todayshow/ns/today-today_health/t/giuliana-rancic-my-celebrity-breast-cancer-twin/#.UQFw_SovUXw.

  CHAPTER 9

  • The benefits of optimism:

  —Emily Esfahani Smith, “The Benefits of Optimism Are Real,” The Atlantic, March 1, 2013; www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/03/the-benefits-of-optimism-are-real/273306.

  —Christopher Peterson, Martin Seligman, and G. E. Vaillant, “Pessimistic Explanatory Style Is a Risk Factor for Physical Illness: A Thirty-five-year Longitudinal Study,” US National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health, 1988.

  —For further reading on Martin Seligman’s work on optimism, check out his books, including Authentic Happiness (New York: Free Press, 2002), Learned Optimism (New York: Knopf, 1991), What You Can Change & What You Can’t (New York: Knopf, 1993).

  —Susan Biali, MD, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy: The Surprising Benefits of Optimism,” Psychology Today, November 11, 2009; www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/200911/dont-worry-be-happy-the-surprising-benefits-optimism.

  —For more on J.R. Martinez’s amazing story of personal triumph over adversity, see his book (with Alexandra Rockey Fleming), Full of Heart: My Story of Survival, Strength, and Spirit (New York: Hyperion, 2012).

  —For more on Jim Harrison, see “‘Man with the Golden Arm’ Saves 2 Million Babies in Half a Century of Donating Rare Type of Blood,” Daily Mail, March 22, 2010; www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1259627/Man-golden-arm-James-Harrison-saves-2million-babies-half-century-donating-rare-blood.html#ixzz2Ys8Es5r5.

  CHAPTER 10

  • The benefits of gratitude: “Gratitude Healthy: 10 Reasons Why Being Thankful Is Good for You,” Huffington Post, November 22, 2012; www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/ll/22/gratitude-healthy-benefits_n_2147182.html#slide=more263959.

  • Twitter data comes from the Touch Agency: www.touchagency.com/touch-agency-twitter-infographic.

  IN THE INTEREST OF PAYING IT FORWARD, I WANTED TO also include a section with information on some of my favorite sources and examples. Enjoy!

  STATIONERY

  www.NestingShoppe.com. I have been lucky enough to have their help in designing stationery for numerous occasions. Jessie Preza is always incredibly creative and wonderful to work with. If you need a matching thank-you note and return address label, no problem. She has everything you need when it comes to stationery. She also designed my website, and I couldn’t love it more!!

  www.Kidecals.com. Besides offering labels and stickers for home and school use, Kidecals can make custom return address labels out of your favorite photos. I have them for our entire family, as well as individual ones for Max, Blakesley, me and Ryan, and the two kids together—I love ’em that much!

  www.StampedPaperCo.com. After working with Jill Efrussy on our 2010 Christmas card, as well as Blakesley’s second and fourth birthday party invitations, I can’t rave enough about what she creates. Her enthusiasm and joy for what she does truly shines through, even in the simplest of thank-you notes.

  www.Minted.com. I was introduced to this community of designers by a friend who briefly worked for Minted in 2012 and have been an avid fan ever since—so much so that I used one of their designs to customize our 2012 Christmas card. I have their artwork on my walls and send personalized notes with their gorgeous stationery. I heart Minted!

  www.GloryHaus.com. A dream of mine has always been to own a gift boutique—I’m obsessed with gifts! After receiving a Glory Haus picture frame from my friend Laura Lee, they became one of my favorite brands, and I could not be more thrilled to be partnering with them on a line of my own gifty goodies!! The Grateful Heart Collection by Glory Haus will include journals, picture frames, tote bags, wall art, jewelry, appreciation jars, and even pillows! To take a peek and place an order, please visit www.GloryHaus.com.

  EXTRA-SPECIAL NOTES

  Thanks to my type-A obsession with keeping a list of whom I write thank-you notes to, I calculated that I’ve handwritten at least six hundred over the past five years. (Now can you see why I have a bit of a paper fetish?)

  With all that practice, I’ve definitely settled on a method: apologize in the event of a delay, keep it simple, reference the recipient’s kindness and its effect, and speak from the heart.

  Our family has also received very sweet notes of thanks over the years, and they give me constant inspiration for my next round of handwritten expressions of appreciation. Of course, it doesn’t matter how simple the card is—what matters is that you take the time to express your gratitude. Extra-special notes can include an attached photo (one we received showed our friends’ son wearing the T-shirt we gave him) or a handwritten message from your little one. No matter what you choose, a personal touch goes a long way.

  YUMMY TREATS

  We’ve either received tasty bites from these scrumptious eateries or worked with them to create delicious party treats and I would be remiss if I didn’t share them with you all. If you order them as a gift or even for yourself, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

  www.GarrettPopcorn.com

  www.JennyCookies.com

  www.TooHauteCowgirls.com

  www.VailGourmetCookieCo.com

  www.Crumbs.com

  www.StonewallKitchen.com

  INSPIRATIONAL SITES

  Always on the lookout for inspirational quotes or tweets or posts, I’ve compiled a few of my favorite sites. They are all on Twitter as well, if you want to get a regularly scheduled dose of goodness.

  www.DailyGood.org

  www.PositivelyPositive.com

  www.GreaterGood.Berkeley.edu

  And last but not least, please stay in touch with me at my recently launched website, www.TristaSutter.com, or on Twitter, @TristaSutter. As George Eliot said, “Blessed is the influence of one true loving human soul on another.” I may not know you personally, but I feel blessed by our connection nonetheless. Thank you!

  Acknowledgments

  Everyone wants to be appreciated, so if you appreciate someone, don’t keep it a secret.

  —MARY KAY ASH

  IT IS NO SECRET THAT I FEEL FORTUNATE. I’VE SPOKEN about the many blessings of my life in the pages you’ve read, but I would be remiss if I didn’t formally acknowledge them and (hopefully) everyone who made this book possible. Here goes (with crossed fingers that I don’t forget anyone!) . . .

  First and foremost—Ryan Sutter, I love you. I appreciate you. I thank you. Without your love, support, patience, understanding, constructively critical eye and ear, and incredible devotion to our beautiful babies, I couldn’t have come close to completing this often overwhelming but exhilarating task. You gave me the space and time, but even more than that—you gave me the inspiration. You are, and always will be, my happily ever after.

  To the tiny humans who take up the biggest space in my heart—Maxwell Alston and Blakesley Grace—thank you for allowing me the privilege of being your mama. You have taught me more about living life with gratitude in your short years here on earth than I learned in the thirty-plus years before you made my dreams of being a mommy come true. Along with your daddy, you will always be my greatest treasure, the source of my truest joy, and the most favorite part of my day. I love you to the m
oon and back, to the moon and back, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond!

  To my always supportive, hug-loving momma—your brave willingness to allow me to tell your story of heartache and answered prayers made me love and appreciate you more than I ever have … and that’s sayin’ something. Thank you.

  And same goes to you, Kathy. Your strength and openness are a true inspiration and I am proud to call you my sister.

  To the in-laws that are anything but what that word usually conjures up, Barb and Bob Sutter, I owe you a huge debt of gratitude for graciously, frequently, and caringly loving on Mr. Max, Ms. B, and even Tankster. I honestly don’t know that I could’ve finished my manuscript without your generosity of time and energy and will forever be grateful for your presence in my life and the lives of your grandbabies.

  To my cherished friends who, without condition, took my babies under their protective and super-fun wings so that they could enjoy time with their best buddies while Mommy boringly sat in front of the computer, you are the best. This especially goes out to Kelly Holton and Kim Williams. My kids love your kids, but not as much as I love you.

  To the Verlindes, thank you for regularly letting me escape up the stair tower for a peaceful spot (and one of the most gorgeous views in the Vail Valley) where I could soul-search, and get my creative juices flowing. And to Laura Lee, I absolutely love my grateful necklace! I had been hoping to do something similar in the jewelry world, but until my line is complete, your sweet gift gives me an almost daily reminder to take a page out of my own book.

  To those who courageously faced the vulnerability of sharing their delicate life struggles (including Janet and John Herbert, J.R., the Bradfields, Jen, and Cookie) and those who allowed my readers a peek into their semi-private worlds through their well-written blogs, stories, and speeches (including Aunt Nancy, Catt, Jenny, Nipun, and K.L.)—I sincerely thank you. The fact that you trusted me to handle them with care is an honor that I’ll never forget.