Full-Time Father

by Susan Mallery

  He put his arms around her and drew her close. “I don’t deserve you. Most people would want me drawn and quartered for what I did.”

  “Then most people are wrong.”

  She leaned against his chest and inhaled the scent of him. His embrace made her feel safe and secure. She wanted to stay here forever. She could hear the steady beating of his heart. For a moment she was tempted to raise her head and kiss him. He would respond. They could share the night, join their bodies, experience paradise in each other’s arms.

  But in the morning he would walk away and she would be the one left with a broken heart.

  He brushed her hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. “Christie spent some time with me today,” he said. “We were using a couple of new programs for kids. I’ve been thinking of some educational software modifications I’d like to make for her. She’s very bright.”

  Erin smiled. “What else would she be? Look at her parents.”

  “I guess you’re right. It’s interesting that you don’t share Stacey’s interest in computers.”

  “Twins start out identical, but they grow up to have different personalities. Stacey was always more outgoing than me. She was the risk-taker.”

  “You took a risk coming here.”

  She snuggled closer. “I’m glad I did.”

  At this moment, in his arms, she could pretend it was real. That he cared about her, that everything was going to work out. But in her heart, she knew it was just a fantasy. He wasn’t in love with her and he didn’t want her to love him. They weren’t the perfect family. They’d come close, but it wasn’t meant to be.

  “Where do we go from here?” he asked.

  To bed. But she didn’t say the words. She couldn’t afford the price. “We don’t have to go anywhere. We can stay right where we are.”

  “Where’s that?”

  She drew in a deep breath. “Friends. We can be good friends. I could use someone like you in my life, and Kiki’s right. You live like a hermit. You need us, too.”

  His arms tightened, holding her close. “That sounds great.”

  Actually it sounded horrible to her. Empty and cold and not nearly what she wanted. Still it was better than nothing. She couldn’t make him love her. She couldn’t force a response he didn’t want to make. So they would be friends and she would make it enough. Because the alternative was to confess all and risk losing him completely.

  She ignored the voice that whispered once again that she was settling and waiting for her turn. She ignored Kiki’s advice of grabbing onto happiness with both hands. Parker wasn’t interested. If she tried to grab for happiness, all she would find was smoke, and all she would get was a broken heart.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The brisk wind caught the edge of the kite and sent it soaring up in the air.

  “It’s flying!” Christie squealed. “It’s flying in the sky.”

  Parker grinned. “I knew we’d get it right.”

  He released more string, trying to get the kite up above the cliffs behind them on the beach. Once free of the erratic breeze, the kite really could take off for the heavens. So far it had been a losing battle.

  Parker moved upwind and let the kite out a little more. The breeze shifted, the kite sputtered and twisted. The long slender tail drooped.

  “It’s falling,” Christie said and put her hands on her hips. “You stay in the sky, you naughty kite. You’re ‘posed to fly just like the birdies.”

  It pitched back and forth, then dropped suddenly and fell to the sand. The yellow-and-blue lightweight material fluttered and danced at the end of the line, but didn’t rise. Parker coiled string as he walked toward it.

  “I can design programs used by millions of people, but I can’t keep a kite in the air,” he muttered.

  Christie looked at him and laughed. “Daddy, you’re so funny.”

  She flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around his legs. He dropped the string, crouched down and hugged her close. She smelled of salt and summer. When she stepped away, he looked at her face. Despite using a sun block, their time at the beach had left freckles on her small nose. Her arms and legs were sturdy and strong, faintly tanned from long hours of play.

  When she smiled at him, he knew exactly where her dimples would appear in her cheeks. He knew the sound of her laughter and her moods. He knew which stories she liked at bedtime, her favorite foods and how much it hurt to see her cry. What he didn’t know was how sharp the pain would be when she was gone. It was already mid-August. She and Erin would leave by the first of September. Their perfect summer was nearly over.

  He hadn’t noticed the passage of time until Kiki had mentioned it that morning at breakfast. The days had all blended together until he’d allowed himself to believe this would go on forever. But it wouldn’t. Erin and Christie had a life separate from his. When they left, he would no longer be a full-time father. He would also lose his time with Erin. They would become polite strangers greeting each other across the threshold, passing Christie back and forth like a package.

  “Let’s do it again, Daddy,” Christie said. “Let’s make it go really, really high.”

  “So high we can barely see it,” he said, grabbing the string and straightening. He released several feet, then started to run down the beach. His daughter raced behind him, trying to keep up.

  The kite danced along, finding the occasional gust of wind, drifting upward, then falling toward the ground. At the end of their cove, he turned and started running toward the stairs. The sun heated him. Waves pounded against the shore. Parker wondered if he looked as stupid as he felt, jogging up and down the small beach with a kite bouncing along behind him.

  The breeze flirted with the kite, taking it up a few feet. Once it nearly cleared the cliffs before plummeting to the shore. When he reached the stairs, he turned again. He met Christie halfway. She was panting.

  “I can’t keep up,” she wheezed. “You run fast.”

  He slowed to a walk. The kite hit the sand. “Maybe we should go up to the cliff and try it,” he said. “I don’t think we’re going to get it flying from here. I’m sure it has something to do with the way the wind acts when it hits land.”

  Christie flopped down on the sand. “Okay. Let’s do that next.”

  He reeled in the kite and settled next to her. The breeze ruffled her bangs. He studied her face. He saw himself in the child’s features. And Erin. He grimaced. No, he saw Stacey. Erin wasn’t Christie’s biological mother, although she was one in every other sense of the word.

  Christie tilted her head, just as Erin would, and smiled. “Why are you looking at me, Daddy?”

  “I was just thinking what a pretty girl you are.”

  She dimpled. “Mommy says that, too. She says it’s more important to be pretty on the inside, but pretty on the outside is nice, too.” She leaned forward. “Pretty on the inside is about your heart,” she said confidentially. “Not the blood and other stuff inside. It’s about being a nice person. Mommy’s a nice person.”

  “She’s the best,” he said, wondering how many other women would have been so willing to share their child with him. Erin had given unselfishly.

  He remembered her confession of jealousy and how she’d gotten over it. Those first few weeks must have been hard for her. He and Christie had developed a bond almost immediately. Erin had kept her feelings to herself. She was bright, funny, easy to talk to and just as pretty as her daughter. He wondered why some guy hadn’t already claimed her.

  Maybe there was a man patiently waiting for her in Palmdale.

  The thought made his stomach clench and his hands curl into fists. Talk about being ugly on the inside, Hamilton. You don’t want her for yourself, and you don’t want anyone else to have her, either. But that statement wasn’t completely true. It’s not that he didn’t want Erin, it’s that he didn’t-

  He leaned back on his elbows and shook his head. Hell, he didn’t know what he wanted. One thing was for sure:
He didn’t want her and Christie to leave in two weeks. He wanted this summer to go on forever. He wanted Erin back in his bed. He wanted to be the kind of man she could respect and care about. He wanted to let the ghosts go.

  But were they willing to let him go? And even if they did, would anything change? Wasn’t he still a threat to everyone he cared about? Wasn’t it better for Erin, better for Christie, if they stuck to their plan?

  Christie shifted so she lay on the warm sand and rested her head on his belly.

  “There’s a birdie up there,” she said, pointing at the blue sky.

  Parker squinted against the sun. “It’s just a speck. It must be very high.”

  “Higher than our kite?”

  “Yeah, but that’s not saying much.”

  She giggled.

  He laced his fingers behind his head and relaxed on the shore. Christie sighed as if she were drifting off to sleep. It was a lazy afternoon. She sighed again, then turned, and stretched out across his chest. Her eyes closed and her breathing became regular.

  The trust inherent in her actions made his heart ache. How he loved this little girl. He would give his life for her. Emotions welled up inside him. They grew until the pressure was unbearable. He wanted to let them out, but he was afraid. Afraid of not being enough. Afraid of hurting her.

  Erin’s words came back to him. She’d warned him he would have to give with his whole heart. He couldn’t hold back, not with Christie. The child would sense the truth. He wondered if that same rule applied to Erin. If he wanted her in his life, would he have to give with his whole heart? After all, she, too, would know if he held back.

  But if he did as she asked, they were all at risk. Look at what had happened to Robin and to Stacey.

  He had no answers to his questions. Maybe time was the solution. He would be a part of Christie’s world for the rest of her life.

  But what about Erin?

  That was less simple, he admitted. Once she left his house, he would lose his chance. They would return to their own schedules and the reality of getting through the day would gradually wear away at anything they might have had together. That would be best for both of them, but was it what he wanted? Was it what Erin wanted?

  He stared up at the sky and realized he didn’t know what she wanted. He didn’t even know how she felt about him. She’d told him they couldn’t be lovers because eventually she might fall in love with him. How long would that take? A week? A month? A year?

  Erin in love with him? The thought made his spirits soar. With her beside him, he could do anything. He could-He closed his eyes. He could destroy her.

  So when the time was up, he would let her go.

  Parker didn’t realize he’d drifted off to sleep until a sharp sound awakened him. Christie scrambled off him and jumped to her feet.

  “Daddy, Daddy, it’s a dog!”

  Sure enough a small dirty mutt came over the rocks at the end of the beach. The dog was about ten inches to the shoulder, all matted hair and big brown eyes. A long tail pumped back and forth as if finding people was the greatest joy in the animal’s life.

  “He’s so cute,” Christie said, rushing toward the dog.

  “Wait.” Parker grabbed her arm and held her in place. “Let’s make sure he’s friendly. Stay here.”

  “But he wouldn’t hurt me.”

  Parker stared at her. “Christie, this is a strange dog. It might be sick. If it bites you, then you’ll get sick, too. It’s better to be careful now. Please stay here.”

  Her mouth drooped as she nodded her head. “Yes, Daddy.”

  The little brown dog quivered as he approached. It rolled on its back and exposed a skinny belly. Parker let the animal sniff his hand and received a quick lick in return. He touched the dog’s stomach. The animal moaned in pleasure.

  “He seems friendly enough,” Parker said, then frowned as he clearly felt ribs. Had the dog gotten lost or been abandoned? He sure hadn’t eaten in a while. He probably hadn’t had anything to drink, either. They hadn’t had rain in a couple of weeks.

  Christie squatted next to him and held out her hand. When the dog licked it, she giggled. “He likes me.”

  “Of course he does. Rub his belly like this.” He demonstrated the back-and-forth motion. The dog writhed and moaned, then jumped up and barked.

  Christie clapped her hands together. “You want to play? Daddy, does the dog have a name?”

  “Let me check.” He felt through the thick fur for a collar. There wasn’t one. “No tags. I wonder what happened to his owner.”

  “Maybe he doesn’t have one. Maybe we can keep him. My very own puppy. Please say yes, Daddy, please?” The dog and the little girl stared at him with equally pleading expressions.

  “We’ll see. For now, let’s give him some water.”

  They’d brought a Thermos down with them. Parker poured water into a plastic cup and offered it to the dog. The animal drank greedily, then barked once and raced toward the steps. When Christie didn’t follow, he stopped and barked again.

  “I think he wants to play,” Parker said.

  “I’m coming,” she yelled, and ran after the dog.

  The two of them played tag. Parker found a stick and threw it. The dog returned it and drank a bit more water. He was friendly and good-natured. Where were his owners?

  When Christie and her new friend were tired from running, they started to explore the rocks at the far end of the beach. Parker tried his luck with the kite again. The wind had shifted and this time he managed to get it nearly as high as the top of the cliffs.

  He let out more string. “Look, Christie,” he called.

  There was no answer.

  He glanced toward the rocks but didn’t see anything-not even his daughter. The piles of boulders were about twelve feet high, the result of a rock slide nearly a century before. He’d never bothered exploring the other side.

  “Christie?”

  He couldn’t see the dog, but suddenly it started barking.

  He dropped the kite and ran toward the sound. “Christie!”

  He searched the boulders and couldn’t find them. The barking came from somewhere else. Inside the rocks. But he couldn’t get there from this side of the beach. The rocks stretched out twenty feet into the ocean. The bottom dropped quickly and the water would be well over Christie’s head.

  Parker’s heart pounded and fear chilled him. “Christie, honey, can you hear me?”

  He scrambled over the rocks, trying to figure out where a four-year-old would want to go. The rough surface scraped his hands and caught his jeans, but he continued searching frantically. The little dog whimpered. He followed the sound, peering between boulders. Then he saw it. A bit of pink lying below him on the sand. Christie’s shirt. A foot in front of him was the hole she’d slipped through. She was lying very still.

  “Christie!” He tried to fit through the hole but he was too big. Then he saw the dog next to her, tugging at her clothing. Parker realized the tide was rushing in and was nearly up to her thighs.

  “God, no!”

  He was frantic with dread. He had to get her out of there. In another few minutes, the tide would catch her and carry her out. But how to reach her?

  The little dog barked again and Parker realized the animal couldn’t have gone through the hole, either. It was too far down. So there had to be another way to that small stretch of beach. The dog had come over the rocks. He could go back the same way.

  Parker moved quickly, jumping from boulder to boulder. When he reached the far side, he saw a small cave.

  “Christie?”

  The dog ran out and tugged on his pant leg.

  “I know, boy,” he said. “I’m here.”

  He crawled into the shallow cave. Christie was lying facedown on the sand. Her left arm was bent awkwardly, probably broken. His heart stopped. Dear God, he couldn’t lose her, too.

  Then she stirred. Her eyes fluttered open. Tears filled them. “Daddy, my arm hurts.”


  The tide surged in, soaking her to her waist. Her tears became sobs.

  He reached for her and gently drew her next to him. She screamed when he touched her arm, then fainted. The little dog led the way out of the cave and back over the rocks. Parker followed slowly, all the while whispering a prayer that his daughter would survive.

  The hospital waiting room was a blur of chairs, light yellow walls and a television tuned to a talk show. Parker paced back and forth. His long strides ate up the linoleum floor and he had to turn around every eight steps.

  “It’s all my fault,” he muttered. “Dammit.”

  The same phrase had played over and over in his mind on the drive to the hospital. He’d carried Christie to the house and had called for Erin. She’d sat with her daughter in the back seat of the Mercedes. Kiki had wished them Godspeed and had promised to see to the dog who had saved their daughter’s life.

  Erin stood in front of him and placed her hands on his chest. “Parker, stop torturing yourself.”

  He stared over her head. “She started playing on the rocks. I should have stopped her. I should have been watching her instead of trying to get the kite flying.”

  “It was an accident.” She touched his chin, forcing him to meet her steady gaze. “When she was two, she fell down the porch steps. She cut the back of her head and bled the whole way to the emergency room. I kept telling myself I should have been holding her hand or paying closer attention. She’d gone down those steps a hundred times before and been fine.”

  She blinked as if she were trying to hold back tears. “She’s been on that beach before. Neither of us realized she could climb the boulders. Okay, we both should have told her to stay off them, but we didn’t think about it. I’m as much at fault. Please don’t blame yourself. It doesn’t accomplish anything.”

  Her words gave him something to think about. He’d had his share of scrapes and injuries as a child. Most children do. “I’ll watch her more carefully next time.”