Full-Time Father

by Susan Mallery

  As she laughed, her breasts bounced. He caught his breath at the sight, then reached up to cup her fullness. “Erin, you don’t know what you do to me.”

  She arched her head back and moaned as his fingers found her taut nipples. “I have a good idea.” She rocked her hips against him, arousing him to the point of pain.

  When they both couldn’t stand it anymore, he pulled off the rest of his clothing and quickly put on the protection. Then she was under him, her legs spread in welcome, her eyes closed, her face flushed. As he entered her, he reached between them and found her place of desire. He rubbed his thumb in time with his thrusts. In a matter of seconds, she was straining against him, then she convulsed into release. Her tight muscles contracted around him, plunging him into ecstasy, bonding him to her as surely as if they’d been handcuffed together.

  Erin woke sometime after midnight. She didn’t bother looking at the clock. Time wasn’t important. Her body ached pleasantly from their lovemaking. After the first time, Parker had explored her with his mouth, then she had done the same to him. Now, in the darkness, she could see the faint outline of him next to her under the covers. She could feel his heat and hear his breathing. Her heart swelled.

  “If you knew how much I loved you, you would be terrified,” she whispered. “Thank you for tonight. I’ll treasure it always.”

  Then she slid out of bed and crossed to the closet. After slipping into her robe, she walked quietly out of the room and across the hall to check on Christie.

  Laverne raised her head as she came into the room, stretched, then curled back up and closed her eyes. Erin petted the little dog. At last Christie had her pet. She leaned over and watched her daughter sleep. There was no sign of pain. She adjusted the pillow under the girl’s broken arm, then returned to her own room.

  Parker slept on, unaware that she was awake. She studied him as she’d studied Christie, but instead of contentment, she felt confusion.

  What happened now? The night was safe, but soon it would be morning. Would he be angry that she’d admitted loving him? Would he feel an obligation? Even if he simply accepted what had occurred, could they go back to being just friends? Could she?

  I want more. The voice in her head was very clear. She wanted it all. She wanted to be his best friend and his lover. She wanted to stay with him. She wanted more than a part-time arrangement, or temporary cohabitation because they shared responsibility for a child.

  She reached out her hand and grasped thin air. Her dreams had eluded her for years.

  Another voice filled her head, this one harsh and mocking. You’ll die waiting for your turn.

  Was it true? Would she die waiting for her turn? Waiting had always been her pattern. She closed her eyes against the questions, but that only increased their intensity. She walked to the chair by the window and sat down. Scenes from her past filtered through her mind, long-forgotten memories, snippets of conversation.

  Stacey demanding, Erin waiting. High school when they’d both wanted a new dress and there had only been money for one. Or two if they’d sewn them themselves. But Stacey hadn’t wanted to sew hers and Erin had agreed. After Christie was born, withdrawing her application to graduate school. Parker asking why she needed a degree to take pictures. Her guidance counselor telling her teaching was a “safe” profession.

  Stalling. Settling. Selling out. Being afraid to try for her dream. Being afraid to fail.

  The truth was sharp and ugly. She’d always avoided what she wanted for fear of not being good enough. She’d used her responsibilities to hide from her dreams. If Christie hadn’t come along she probably would have found another way to avoid what she loved most-taking photographs.

  She leaned her head against the chair and fought tears. They wouldn’t do her any good now. The question wasn’t how to survive the pain of regret, but what she was going to do now that she’d learned the truth about herself. How was she going to change? She’d spent so long waiting for her time and her turn that she’d lost sight of the real goal. She’d forgotten that life was a journey. She kept waiting for tomorrow, all the while wasting a lifetime of todays.

  “Not anymore,” she whispered forcefully. “No more waiting. I’m going to make this my time. I’m going to seize opportunities with both hands. I’m going to risk falling and getting hurt. I’m going to risk failing.” She stood up and walked to the bed. “I’m going to risk loving you,” she told a sleeping Parker. Then she dropped her robe to the floor and crawled in next to him.

  Shortly after dawn, Parker walked down the stairs. Erin was still sleeping. They had a lot to talk about, but he figured it could wait until she woke up. The extra time would allow him to plan exactly what he was going to say.

  After a quick shower, he was just as confused as he had been before. What was right for Erin and Christie? What was right for him? He knew love was dangerous and unpredictable. Had Erin meant it when she’d used the word last night? If she had, what was the next step?

  The smell of coffee drew him to the first floor. He walked into the kitchen and found Kiki cutting up fresh strawberries.

  She glanced at him and grinned. “You look as if you haven’t slept much. Is this good not sleeping or bad not sleeping?”

  “Define good not sleeping,” he said as he moved to the cupboard and pulled out a mug.

  “Good meaning spending the night doing the wild thing?”

  “Hmm.” He poured coffee, then sat on one of the tall stools across from Kiki. She continued to cut strawberries into a colander in the sink.

  “A noncommittal grunt doesn’t answer the question,” she said.

  “I know.”

  She winked. “You wouldn’t be so discreet if you’d been up working, so I’m going to assume things went well. Yes?”

  He looked at her. The weather was still warm. A pleasant breeze blew in the open kitchen window. Instead of her usual jogging suit, Kiki was dressed in a sleeveless white shirt and tailored blue shorts. She was tanned and healthy. Her face glowed. She was happy. He was miserable. They’d both spent the night having sex. What was wrong with this picture?

  He wanted Kiki’s advice. But when he opened his mouth, instead of asking about Erin, he blurted out, “I should have been paying more attention to Christie. I should have kept her safe.”

  Kiki put down the small knife and wiped her hands on the towel next to her on the counter. Her blue eyes darkened with compassion.

  “I’ve been there, Parker. Guilt is hell. It eats you up inside until there’s nothing left and you want to die.” She glanced at the counter for a moment, then returned her attention to him. Her mouth pulled straight and the lines on her face deepened. “You turned your back for a moment. Every parent does it. We’re not perfect. We love our kids, but we’re still just people who make mistakes.”

  “So you’re saying let it go,” he said. “I don’t know if I can. I keep thinking about Robin. If I’d loved her more, maybe she wouldn’t have died. She was afraid I would grow to hate her because of her illness. She sensed my inadequacies.”

  “Is that what she told you?”

  “Yeah.” He stared at his coffee. “She said I would grow to hate her. It was easier if she died of pneumonia.”

  “And you believed her?”

  “What? Why would she lie?”

  She came around the island and stood next to him, then placed one hand on his shoulder. “Did you ever stop to consider that she was the person who wasn’t strong enough? Maybe she couldn’t face her own disease. Dying gave her a way out.”

  “No, it wasn’t her.”

  “Can you be sure?” She smiled. “Believe me, I’m intimately familiar with the frailty of the human psyche. I’ve experienced it firsthand. After I lost my son, my world faded to black. I was so depressed I literally didn’t care if I lived or died. It took a lot of hard work and some medical attention to help me want to live again.” She squeezed his shoulder. “You’ve been given a second chance, Parker. Not many of us get th
ose. You’ve got Erin and Christie, now. Don’t blow it.”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking about Christie leaving. I don’t want her to go. Erin has dreams. She wants to go to graduate school and study photography. I was thinking about asking her if Christie could stay here permanently.”

  “What?”

  “I know it will mean more work for you. Having Christie around is more responsibility. I have to work and-” He paused. He wasn’t saying this right.

  “Erin isn’t going to give you custody of her daughter.”

  “I know. That’s not what I meant. Christie could stay here while Erin went back to college. There are several close by. She could live here on weekends.”

  Kiki stepped back and moved around the island. She picked up the knife and grabbed a strawberry. “You know, Parker, for a computer genius, you’re really dumb when it comes to women.”

  “I take it that means you don’t approve of my idea.”

  She laughed. “Oh, that’s one way of putting it. You’re completely missing the big picture.”

  “Which is?”

  “First, Erin isn’t going to give up her child. Not even temporarily. She’s not going to let you support her while she goes back to college. Frankly I don’t think she wants to go to college.”

  “But-”

  “Let me finish.”

  “All right.” He sipped his coffee. Maybe talking to Kiki had been a bad idea.

  “Second,” she continued, “you’re fooling yourself with all this talk about Erin going to school and wanting to keep Christie around. Of course you care about your daughter. But she’s not the point. You’re in love with Erin and if you think you can let her go, you’re even dumber than I thought. Third-”

  But he didn’t hear what was third. Her second point rattled in his brain like the echo of a gunshot. Kiki thought he loved Erin. Loved her? Love?

  It couldn’t be true. He knew better. He knew the risks involved. He knew how he could destroy.

  But what if Kiki was right? What if he hadn’t been responsible for his wife’s death?

  He rose from the stool and headed for the stairs.

  “Parker?” Kiki called after him, but he kept on going.

  He climbed to the third story and walked into Erin’s room. She was still in bed. As he crossed the floor, she turned and opened her eyes.

  “Morning,” she said. “You’re up early.”

  She stretched. The sheet slipped, exposing part of one full breast. Heat raced through him and with it the realization that Kiki was right. He couldn’t let Erin go.

  He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her. Her eyes were dark in the dim room. Her mussed hair tumbled across the pillow. She reached up and touched his mouth.

  “You’re frowning. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Everything.” He tried to collect his words. “Do you still want to study photography?”

  “That’s an odd question.”

  “Do you?”

  Instead of answering, she slid across the bed and got out on the other side. She walked naked to the closet and returned with a shopping bag. After closing the door and flipping on the light, she upended the bag on the bed.

  Hundreds of photographs spilled onto the rumpled sheets. He picked up one at random. It was of an old abandoned barn. The stark light and bright blue sky illuminated every broken board and smashed window. The isolated building looked as if it had been tossed aside without a second thought. Physical pain swept through him as he stared at the picture.

  He grabbed another snapshot. Christie smiled up at him. She was caught in a moment of pure joy and he found himself smiling back.

  He dug through the pile, looking at photo after photo. All were excellent, some even brilliant in their composition and ability to evoke emotion. Erin was far more gifted than he’d realized.

  She pulled on her robe and sat next to him. “What do you think?”

  “You deserve the chance to study,” he said slowly. “These are amazing.”

  He drew in a deep breath. It would be so simple. Tell her his plan. She could pursue her dream; he would take care of Christie. Everyone would be happy.

  He took her hands in his. “Erin.” He paused. Letting her go was the right thing to do. She would be safer without him. He had nothing she wanted or needed.

  He stared at her face, then squeezed her fingers. He had the right words now. He could tell her to go.

  “Don’t leave me,” he said without thinking. “God, it’s not right or fair to ask you to stay, but I don’t want you to go. Kiki’s right. I am stupid about relationships, but I do know one thing. I love you. I can’t survive without you. But you’re so talented. I don’t want you to give up your dream. You wanted to take classes or-”

  She pressed her fingertip to his mouth. Her smile quivered at the corners. “Hush. My dream has always been in my heart. You were right. I’ve been afraid to take pictures. I didn’t need an education. I needed courage. You’ve given me that. You’ve given me back something I’ve always enjoyed. It was never about not having the right training, it was about being willing to expose my vision of the world.”

  A single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. She brushed it away. “Last night I swore I was going to grab on to happiness with both hands, so here goes. I lied to you, Parker. I didn’t just love you for those few hours we were intimate. I’ve loved you for a long time, and I plan to keep on loving you. You don’t have to worry about me leaving, because I’m not going anywhere. We belong together.”

  The joy and love tangled together, leaving him breathless with relief. He cupped her face and stared at her familiar features, then pulled her close to him. “You’ll stay?”

  “For always.” She reached for the buttons on his shirt and started unfastening them.

  He touched her cheek, her shoulders, her breasts, not sure he was going to get everything he’d ever wanted. He was still cautious. The fear lingered, but he knew they could work it out. Later they would talk more about Robin and Stacey, about second chances and taking responsibility. But for now, it was enough to love and be loved.

  “You’re sure?” he asked.

  She laughed. “Yes, for the first time in my life, I’m very sure.”

  Several hours later, they heard a light knock on the door.

  “It’s me,” Christie said. “Kiki says I can’t come in yet, but we’re all getting married and going to stay here. We’re going to be a real family.”

  Erin snuggled closer. Parker stroked her hair, wondering what he’d done right this time. He didn’t know this much happiness existed in the world.

  Then he frowned. “Did I ask you to marry me?”

  Erin glanced up at him and smiled. “Not exactly.”

  “Will you marry me, Erin? I swear I’ll love you forever.”

  She sighed with contentment. “Yes. A thousand times, yes. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Kiki’s right,” he called to the little girl. “We’re getting married and living together as a family.”

  “Goodie!” There was some muffled conversation, then, “I gotta go. The cookies are ready. Bye. Oh, you can’t get married till my cast comes off. I want to wear a pretty dress.”

  Her voice faded as the housekeeper ushered her down the hall.

  Parker lazily stroked Erin’s breast. “We should probably get up and talk with her.”

  Erin rolled onto her back and pulled him down on top of her. “Later,” she murmured against his mouth. “She’s got cookies to eat and we’ve got something of our own to take care of.”

  He chuckled and stretched over the side of bed. “Look what I’ve got,” he said, holding up a bright purple condom.

  She grinned. “Great. I’ll pull the drapes while you put it on.”

  She started to get out of bed, but he tugged her back, trapping her beneath him. He stared at her. “I love you, Erin.”

  “I love you. We’re going to be
wonderful together.”

  “We already are.”

  Epilogue

  Five years later

  The gallery was crowded with the usual opening-night crowd dressed in cocktail dresses and tuxedos. Champagne flowed freely, diamonds glittered as brightly as the conversation.

  Erin drew in a deep breath.

  “Nervous?” Parker asked.

  She glanced up at her handsome husband and smiled. “You’d think I’d be used to this by now, but I’m not. It terrifies me. I always worry that I’ve lost my touch.”

  “Judging by the number of red Sold dots on your pictures, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  She followed his gaze and saw that most of the photographs had already been purchased. The relief was sweet.

  “Our accountant is going to be whimpering,” she said.

  “Don’t worry about him. The money goes to a good cause.”

  Erin donated most of the proceeds from the sale of her pictures to a foundation she and Parker had set up to help young unwed pregnant women get support and stay in school.

  “Daddy, up.”

  Erin smiled as Parker bent over and picked up two-year-old Sam. His miniature suit was rumpled and stained, and bits of cookie clung to his mouth.

  “Your son already found the buffet line,” Parker said.

  “Your son needs cleaning up.”

  Parker kissed her cheek. “Let me take the monster to the men’s room and I’ll fix him right up.” He strolled through the crowd.

  Erin stared after him for a minute, and wondered how she’d gotten so lucky. She didn’t know there was this much happiness in the world. The past five years had flown by.

  “This is an important collection,” she heard a familiar but young voice say. “Not only because of the theme but because of the departure from the artist’s usual subjects.”

  She turned around and saw Christie talking to an elderly man. Her nine-year-old had grown up. In her taffeta dress and patent leather shoes she looked more like a teenager than a little girl.

  She strolled over and held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Erin Hamilton. I see you’ve met my daughter.”