Sprig of Thyme

by Jenna Dawlish

  “No, we have no piano.”

  Joel sat forward.“No piano! That is dreadful. I cannot believe it. No piano!” He slumped back in his chair and placed his cigar into his mouth.

  Leonard stared at him.

  “So, although you loved her, you had not told her?” Leonard said, quickly changing the subject.

  “No, I was certain she felt something for me, but I was not entirely sure how deep it went. How do you tell whether a woman has such feelings?”

  “Very true,” Leonard said, his mind drifted off for a moment. “The female mind is a mystery to many men, including me.”

  “Each time I retired for the night I would argue with myself. On the one hand I believed myself to be disinherited. Adella and I were on an equal footing. Gentry I may be, but without money I may have the bloodline, but nothing else. On the other hand, a part of me knew that I would probably have to return to my family. If I could survive as a tutor, I promised myself to look after my brothers and I was neglecting them. I did not want to drag Adella into my sordid family, she deserved better. It felt like a pit of despair, whichever way I looked, whatever I decided, there would be consequences and someone would get hurt.

  “In the end, my heart won out. Adella and I spent a day walking together and while we were out that day, I kissed her. I could not stop myself.”

  He paused, as though gauging the Leonard's reaction.

  “I am not shocked,” Leonard said. “Adella told me this herself. Besides, if one has such sentiments, it is only natural for such an. . .activity to be an outlet.”

  Joel shook his head, “One kiss of her lips and she stole my heart forever. To know that she felt the same – that she was certain of her feelings. It made my heart swell even more to know that she loved me for myself alone and not for my wealth. I knew from that moment on that there would never be another woman for me.”

  Despite his words of love, his face wore a grim expression.

  “But there has been another woman You married Cynthia,” Leonard said in quiet tone.

  “No,” his voice was low and serious, “I may have married Cynthia, but Adella was and still is the only woman I shall ever love. Indeed, the irony is, Adella as a governess in her plain dress, her lack of airs and self-importance, I would not have given her a second glance if we met under any other circumstances. Oh, I speak the truth, though it is shocking to speak of my dear Adella in such a way.”

  “It is the truth, a man of your position would naturally only look amongst ladies of his own class for a potential match. She told me that you kept your -” he paused trying to find the right word, 'love a secret, is her class the reason for it?”

  “No. Relationships amongst staff were frowned upon and it was difficult to keep it a secret. I revelled in being with her and near her. Each day I would get up quickly and look forward to breakfast with her and the children. Then it would be a tortuous few hours until lunch and I saw her again. Then dinner and then once the children were in bed at least three hours alone with her as we sat together.

  “Sometimes after we retired for the night, I went to my room and sketched or painted her from memory. I did not want her to know I was doing it. It felt a little obsessive sometimes. I still have all the drawings, though it is not often that I can bring myself to look at them.”

  “Has Cynthia seen the drawings?”

  “Not that I am aware of, but she recognised Adella when they first met, I am sure of it. I have thought many times about destroying those drawings, but I could never bring myself to do it. It seemed as though burning them would be an insult to Adella. One final step to me finally removing her from my life. While I have them, there is still a part of her with me.”

  Leonard sighed. “If she knew all this then, oh I don't know. It is all confusing. I was so sure you cared nothing for her. When in truth, it is exactly the opposite.”

  Joel said nothing in return. He stared at the small flames in the fireplace.

  Leonard stood up and walked to the window. He pushed the red velvet curtain aside a little and looked out.

  “It has started to rain.”

  “We are in Bath,” Joel said with a small laugh.

  “I should have brought an umbrella,” he said, as though he had not heard Joel's last remark. “Do you have one I can borrow?”

  “Of course. If I had the carriage at my disposal I would have it brought for you. But it is being repaired at the moment; a buckled wheel.”

  “That's very kind of you to think of it. But an umbrella will be enough. Besides, it's not far.”

  Leonard sat back down. There was silence for a short time before he said, “So, you loved Adella enough to ask her to marry you?”

  Joel nodded.

  “That night I asked her,” he said with a deep sigh, “it was the night of the midsummer dance. She told you that too? I believe that was the happiest night of my entire life -” he was about to continue but was interrupted by Leonard.

  “Yes, it is no surprise you should say that! I remember Adella's exact words when she told me of you that night. She said, 'I have never seen a man look so alive as he was that night'”.

  Joel swallowed hard, clenched his fist and placed it up to his lips. It took a moment for him to continue. He managed to say, “She is right, I shall never forget when we arrived at the dance. It was held in a Marquee, a rickety old dirty thing. The floor was covered with straw, and it was packed full, the music consisted of three men who were drunk and played dreadfully. I smiled to myself when I wondered what my father would say if he could see his precious first born socialising with all those servants.”

  “What happened at the dance? Adella did not really speak much of it, only afterwards.”

  “I made sure I danced every dance with her except one. A footman from the estate next to ours asked her to dance when I went to get refreshments. I remember being very annoyed and whilst watching them dance desperately trying to contain my jealousy. When they finished, I quickly took her arm and made her promise not to dance with anyone else. She readily agreed.”

  “But surely, if you danced every dance with her, that would look suspicious?”

  “Maybe it did. I did not care. I could not bear to see her with another man. I think that was the moment I decided I must ask her to marry me.”

  “Such strong feelings of jealousy are not to be sniffed at,” Leonard said.

  “I knew I could not let her go. I knew that I had to make her mine. When we arrived back, she helped with the horses, I waited for her and asked her. I knew we were young – and many people would scorn love so young because our characters were not fixed enough. But I knew in my heart that I could never love anyone else. When I thought about us together, I knew marriage did not have to be like my parents, where my mother was treated like a second class citizen and where my father was a tyrant only viewing her as bearer of his children. I knew with Adella marriage could be full of tender, passionate, wonderful moments where we loved and relied on each other. I vowed I would be the best husband to her, nothing like my father.” He dropped his shoulders, as though speaking the words lifted a great burden.

  “Yet though you wished to spend the rest of your life with her, you did not tell her the truth?”

  “So many times I nearly told her who I really was and what had happened to me before I came to Sidmouth. But something always stopped me. I was much younger and I suppose I lacked courage. I was so much in love with her and she thought I could do no wrong. I could not face her disappointment. Disappointment that I lied to her. Of course, more than anything, I feared she might reject me. So in the end, I decided I would tell her just before we got married. After all, I couldn't marry under a false name it wouldn't have been a legal wedding.”

  “She told me that if she knew you were gentry, she would have called off the engagement.” Leonard raised his eyebrows at Joel.

  “I would have persuaded her not to, I am sure. I would not have let her go for that reason.”

&n
bsp; “I suppose, if you did tell her what you have told me, especially that your father disinherited you. I think she would have supported you through thick and thin.”

  “Whatever could have happened is irrelevant. I was living in a dream, a dream that was about to be shattered by the arrival of my father.”

  He threw what remained of his cigar into the fire, opened the mahogany box next to him and lit another. Then as an afterthought said, “Sorry, would you like another?”

  Leonard shook his head. “There was about a month in between the engagement and your father arriving?”

  “Yes. That month was -” he looked up, as if seeing far beyond the four walls, “it was a special time for me. That Adella would agree to marry me was a wonder in itself.”

  “So you really did wish to marry her!” Leonard whispered to himself, it finally sunk in.

  Joel heard his words and nodded back at him. Leonard stood up again and he walked about the room.

  “I wished to marry her more than anything. To think, she could be sat here now with us, well, not in a house as grand. But she could have been here and I could look at her face and have her near me. . .” his voice drifted off. “I will always regret not making her marry me immediately. If I had, my father could have done nothing.”

  “What happened the day your father arrived?”

  “I was sat with the boy teaching him something. The door to the study burst open and my father walked in. His face was bright red with fury, and the look in his eyes, it was as though he was possessed by the devil himself. It was the most irate I have ever seen him. Mr and Mrs Waters were behind him. They quickly left taking the boy when my father started to call me every name under the sun. He proceeded to tell me that my stupid charade was now over and that I would be returning to marry Cynthia.” He sighed deeply. “I was determined not to be cajoled by him. I told him in no uncertain terms that nothing could make me marry her, and I did not care if he disinherited me.”

  “Did you tell him about Adella?”

  “No, I had to protect her at all costs. I thought it best for her own safety and future not to say anything. Besides, me being in love would not have stopped him. I did not think he would have physically hurt her but he has contacts and could have made it difficult for you all. He has always believed that anyone can be bought, and he has a number of lackeys as well as professionals who can call upon at any time to do his bidding.”

  “He must have said something to you to change your mind?”

  “Yes. He told me that if I did not marry Cynthia, he would lock up all my brothers until they were 21.”

  “No! Surely someone would stop him?”

  “I told him as much, but who stopped him locking me away? Nobody. Frederick tried to get me out but he failed. So, I had to choose: my brothers or Adella.”

  “And you chose your brothers?” Leonard said, his voice quietly resolute.

  Joel rubbed his eyes and but could not look at Leonard, “Yes, I chose my brothers because of the promise I made to myself. If I was at home, then I could watch over them. I knew my father would be true to his word. If he made a threat he would always carry it out. I could not let them be punished for me. That one moment, I knew I must give Adella up, and I went with my father.”

  “But she arrived back at the house before you left?”

  “Yes. I hoped to leave without a word. I wanted her to hate me. I hated myself. I could not face her and yet wanted so much to see her one last time. I barely remember what I said as we stood outside the house. I concealed my feelings, but it was so hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I could not let my father think I cared anything for her; I needed to protect her from him. I have since tried my best to blank those minutes from my memory. Though her pleading voice often echoes in my mind. It still haunts me.” He swallowed hard.

  “It all makes sense now. Everything that she told me. Your coldness to her, your denial.” Leonard shook his head. 'I thought you the worst of men when she told me what you did -”

  Joel interrupted, “I am the worst of men. I am not excusing myself. Nothing can excuse what I did. I am simply trying to explain. I should have outwitted my father. But I was young and I was weak then. But not any more.”

  “I do not blame you for wishing to protect your brothers. Adella can look after herself.”

  “That is what made me decide. I knew that she would be upset, but I believed that in time she would get over me. It is better she hates me. I hate myself for doing what I did. How could I tell her that I chose my brothers over her?”

  “I think she would understand, if you explained to her everything you have told me. She wants more than anything to know the reason for your betrayal. Did you know she was dismissed from her position at Brayfern? They thought her a liar because she claimed to be engaged to you?”

  “Yes, I knew of it, but not until she wrote to me asking for an explanation.”

  “Ahhh, the elusive letter. You did receive it then?”

  “Yes. To keep up the pretence with my father, I instructed our lawyer to reply. He read all my post you see. I knew that if he suspected for a moment I felt anything for Adella, he would use it against me. If I hated myself before, then I loathed myself after that. It was despicable.”

  Leonard sighed deeply, “I never thought that your explanation would be like this.” He waved his cigar in a dismissive manner.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don't know, Adella thinks it's most likely you were trying to seduce her before you married Cynthia. She couldn't be more wrong!”

  “I never would have behaved improperly towards her. But if that is what she thinks of me, so be it.”

  Leonard sat for a moment thinking of the words Adella said to him - “I vowed never to trust a man again. If he only asked I would have released him from our engagement.” Such words spoken from her heart! She was home that moment, hating this man sat in front of him, yet that same man did everything he could to protect her because he loved her.

  “But surely, when Cynthia passes on, if you explained to Adella there may be a chance she would understand. . .you could marry her. . .once she has come to terms with the truth.”

  Leonard looked at Joel and awaited his reply.

  Chapter 10

  Joel met Leonard's gaze and replied in a slow even tone, “Yes, when Cynthia is gone, I plan to win Adella back. I lost her once, and now I have this second chance my aim is to marry her.”

  “I think she will understand why you did it, but I am not sure she will be so easy to win over. She knows her own mind.”

  “I know that. I am not expecting her to fall into my arms. But I have come to Bath because of my wife's wish. It has quickened my wishes and desires regarding Adella sooner than I expected.”

  Leonard nodded. “You mean, if you had not come to Bath you would have waited until the mourning period was over to see Adella.”

  “No. I would not have waited that long. You see, I have another reason to wish for a speedy reconciliation with Adella.”

  “Oh?”

  “My father. . .my father has already arranged who will be my next wife.”

  Leonard was unable to move or speak for a moment after yet another revelation from Joel. He rather wondered how many more there might be, and it was only half past eight.

  “So, you see what kind of man my father is,” Joel said, “He started looking for a new wife for me as soon as it was clear Cynthia had a mortal illness.”

  “It is an inhumane thing to do for sure. Forgive me, but your father seems to be the worst of men.” Leonard said in a low tone. “Though I must admit, your being here in Bath and you speaking of your wishes to be reunited with Adella are very much the same as your father.”

  “It is true to a certain extent. But I have not acted on it. Unlike my father who has pretty much arranged everything with a wealthy widow.”

  He paused then continued, “I remember when I was very young he was not like that. He was never t
he most adoring father, but certainly, he did change the older I grew. I do not love Cynthia, and my marriage to her has never been happy. I only hope that she will not be in pain near the end.” He gave Leonard an earnest look. “You will see to that? I owe her my daughter you see.”

  “You have a daughter?”

  “Yes. Little Sarah. She is barely acknowledged by my father. She is the reason why he wishes me to marry again. I haven't provided a male heir. If she were a boy, then who knows? Perhaps he would not care who I married next, though I often think I am fooling myself. With the high death toll of children, he would most likely have wanted me to provide more than one heir. Just like he has.”

  “Your daughter, where is she now?”

  “Sarah came to Bath a few days ago and is up in the nursery, I thought it important that she sees her mother before she dies. Not that Cynthia can stand to be in her company for too long.”

  “How old is she?”

  “Three,” he smiled, “She is everything to me, she is a little ray of light in our home. My mother dotes on her and was sorry to be parted from her while she is in Bath. I think she sometimes wished for a daughter herself.”

  “And Cynthia?”

  His face darkened, “She only spends about half an hour a day with her, and she is not affectionate.” His eyes were distant and then he added, “Adella would not have been like that.”

  “Indeed. She is very fond of children.”

  “Before my father arrived at Sidmouth, Adella and I would talk about what our children might be like. I told her, if they were half as beautiful and kind as she was, I would be a happy man.”

  “But Cynthia is a beautiful lady is she not? Sarah must be a pretty child?”

  Joel was unable to suppress a grin, “Yes. She is adorable. If I can tempt my mother away from her, I too dote on her. I try not to spoil her, but it is so difficult.” After a pause he added, “She has even won the heart of Frederick, who always claims he doesn't like children. He takes her out for walks and purchased a Shetland Pony for her last birthday and has promised to teach her to ride. That reminds me, Frederick will be arriving soon, he has been out visiting friends.”