Moonlit

by Jadie Jones

  “If you need anything . . .”

  “Dana, I will. Go on, I’m sure you’ve got lots to do before tomorrow.” The burning behind my eyes won’t wait for much longer, and if she sees me cry she’ll never be able to leave. And she needs to. We both do.

  “Bye, Tanzy,” she whispers.

  “Good luck.” I squeeze her hand, and then watch her walk from the room. As soon as I’m alone I press my fingers into the corners of my eyes and wait for the sting to subside. I draw in a ragged breath and silently send her the words I couldn’t say aloud.

  Once I’m sure I’m not going to cry, I slip off the hideous floral gown and pull on the clothes that Dana picked out. They are soft and worn. They even smell like her, which helps and hurts. The confidence that made me feel so sure moments before seems to have left with her. I twist the new ring on my finger, desperate for a distraction. The color shifts again. A red glow burns at the center, bleeding outward. I stare harder into the whirling colors. It’s hypnotizing. I can’t look away. The room slowly spins.

  “You okay?” Vanessa’s voice makes the rotation stop. She frowns and moves to the side of my bed.

  “Yeah, just dizzy all of the sudden,” I say and shake it off. “I’m glad you’re here. Wait, why are you here? I thought you were leaving.”

  “I thought I was too,” Vanessa says with a shrug. “We’d pulled onto the main road when my husband got paged to the ER for a bad car accident. We rode in together, so it looks like I’ll be here a little while longer. Perfectly fine by me. It’s just the two of us at home and I get really lonely sometimes.” Her eyes find the floor.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Nothing I want to talk about, anyway. Hey, check you out with real clothes on and cast free,” she says, changing the subject. “My husband told me that your breaks really are healed.”

  “I know. It’s pretty weird. I meet with a physical therapist for testing first thing tomorrow.”

  “Freak,” she winks. Her devilish smile makes me feel better instantly. “Oh, did Dana give you something from me?”

  “She did! Thank you for the ring!” I raise my hand to show her that I’m wearing it. “I love it.”

  “I have one too,” she says and pulls an identical black velvet pouch out of her purse. “I saw them at a quaint little store yesterday. I wanted to give you something as an apology—” she starts but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

  “You have nothing to apologize for.”

  “Then maybe they can be friendship rings? Or is that lame?” she asks, making a face.

  “Not at all. It’s perfect.”

  “Okay good.” She slips the ring on her finger and smiles down at it. “Don’t laugh, but they are supposed to be magical.”

  I give her a dubious look. “What are they supposed to do?”

  “Lots of things.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, for starters, they’re supposed to be protective,” Vanessa says tentatively.

  “How?” I ask and glance down at the little ring.

  “By increasing intuition. Supposedly it gives the wearer warnings if something bad is going to happen.” I raise a wary eyebrow but Vanessa ignores it. “What sold me is that the shopkeeper said if two people are very in tune with each other these rings will let them communicate with their minds,” she says. She tries to make it sound like she doesn’t believe it, but I can tell that she might.

  “Telepathy? Seriously?”

  “Hey, they were on sale,” she says in mock defense.

  “So what should that tell you?”

  “Would you at least try?” Vanessa says, failing to cover up her enthusiasm.

  “Ok, fine,” I say and close my eyes.

  “You’re mocking me.”

  “I’m really not,” I laugh and open my eyes. “I am trying to concentrate.”

  “Okay, say something. Well, think something,” she says.

  Hi, Vanessa. Can you hear me? I wait. The air around my ears feels like its thinning.

  Hi, Tanzy. I hear you! Vanessa’s voice sings in my head. My eyes fly open and I stare at her face. Maybe I imagined it.

  “Nope,” she says smugly.

  “Well, that was too obvious,” I argue. There’s no way these rings can really let us hear each other’s thoughts. But the possibility piques something deep within me, something that wants this to be real.

  “There’s no way these rings can really let us hear each other’s thoughts,” Vanessa repeats verbatim. She even adds inflection in the right places. “Did I get it right?” My incredulous face answers her. “Think something else!” she says, clapping her hands.

  I wonder what Ryan is doing. I don’t want to think about him, especially right now, but I can’t help it. I wait for Vanessa to tease me but her face falls with disappointment.

  “I don’t hear anything. It’s like a door just closed.”

  “Maybe we just have to practice?”

  “You’re probably right,” she concedes. I turn the ring wistfully on my finger, unable to keep more thoughts of Ryan away. “Hey, we’ll get it! I have faith in us,” she says brightly.

  “No, that’s not it. I just can’t get Ryan out of my head. I mean I never thought we’d see each other once I leave or anything, but I didn’t think it would end like that,” I admit, regretting our last exchange.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s just hard to shake him when I know he’s in this hospital somewhere. I think some fresh air would help clear my head. Maybe take a walk.”

  “Tanzy, I get that you’re bored out of your mind but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Look at that sunset. How can you not want to be out there?” I plead and gesture toward the narrow window. A smile tugs at her lips as she glances at the hospital courtyard, which is washed in the evening’s rusty orange.

  “You’ll tell me if anything hurts, right?”

  “I promise. Trust me, I don’t want to do anything that’s going to keep me in here any longer than I have to be.” I start to push off the bed, but Vanessa stops me with a hand that is stronger than I expect.

  “Not so fast, medical miracle. Let’s at least put you in a wheel chair ‘til we get you outside,” she bargains.

  “Okay, it’s a deal.” Whatever it takes to get me out of here even if just for a minute.

  Vanessa returns quickly from the nurses’ station, wheelchair in tow. I let her help me into it and she spreads a bed sheet across my lap, covering my scarred legs.

  “Now I feel like a little old lady.”

  “You’ve already got the ornery part down.” Vanessa laughs. I give her a half-hearted glare. “Come on, Granny. Let’s go for a walk.” She giggles and wheels me out of the room.

  Our journey through the maze of identically dismal halls feels like it takes an hour to navigate. Finally, Vanessa pushes me through the automatic exit doors and into the open air. I inhale until my lungs feel like they might pop. Reluctantly, I release the deliciously clean air and gulp in some more.

  “This is my favorite time of day,” Vanessa says, taking a deep breath. “Right after the sun goes down. It’s so quiet and peaceful. It feels magical out here, doesn’t it? Like anything could happen.”

  “I like sunrise best. But this is a close second,” I say, admiring the mystery in the purple shadows of twilight as we make our way down the paved path to the landscaped courtyard.

  She wheels the chair to the edge of the lawn. I start to push myself up but she stops me with a hand on my shoulder.

  “Are you sure you want to try this?” Vanessa asks. “What if something happens to you?”

  I close my eyes and concentrate on my body. My muscles respond instantly, buzzing with the possibility of movement. “I think it’ll be okay.” I scoot to the edge of the chair and set my bare feet on the brittle grass.

  “Tanzy, you’re not even wearing shoes. You’ll catch a cold,” Vanessa warns.

  “I’ll pa
y the price.” I wave off her concern. Without waiting a second longer, I stand up.

  “Oh my gosh! How do you feel?” Vanessa asks, clasping her hands in front of her chin. I take a few cautious steps.

  “Great, actually. Like I could go for a run. But don’t worry, I won’t,” I add.

  The dry grass tickles the bottoms of my feet, which have softened considerably in the past two weeks. Every sensation feels amplified, like I can feel the entire path between the nerve endings and my brain. I feel so . . . alive. I grab the sheet from the wheel chair and practically skip to the center of the courtyard.

  “Are you coming?” I call over my shoulder. Vanessa hurries to catch up.

  We spread the sheet out across the grass and lie down on our backs, staring up at the smoldering remnants of day. Even here I can’t help but think of Ryan. What we might talk about out here. What it might feel like to kiss him. The thought blooms on my lips.

  A ringing sound pierces through my daydream.

  “It’s David,” Vanessa says, sitting up. I make a face as she answers the phone. “Hey honey,” she says. She winces at whatever he says through the speaker. I turn away, feeling like an intruder. “I know, I’m sorry.” She pauses. “Yes, of course. No, you’re right.” She waits again. “I’ll be there as fast as I can.” She puts the phone down in her lap.

  “Is he okay?” I ask. “That sounded important.”

  “He’s hungry and I’m late bringing him dinner,” she answers, her mouth twisting with worry.

  “He’s a brain surgeon and he can’t find his own dinner?” I blurt.

  Vanessa lets out a gasp of surprise and stares back at me. I press my lips together to keep any other opinions from slipping out. Did I cross a line? Relief trickles down my back as she bursts into a fit of laughter.

  “What’s so funny?” The sound of Ryan’s voice attracts my eyes like a magnet.

  I regard his approach briefly and then turn back to Vanessa. My insides hum with excitement and I don’t want it to show. “How helpless you doctors are,” I quip.

  “Good thing I’m not a doctor, then.” He smiles at me, which makes my heart leap.

  “Perfect timing. Now I don’t have to leave you alone,” Vanessa says and climbs to her feet.

  Part of me instantly perks at the possibility of being alone with Ryan, but the other part is dreading it. “You’re still going?” I ask, although I knew she would.

  “Yeah,” she says. Suddenly, my ears get hot. As pathetic as he is, I don’t want to find out what would happen if I don’t go.

  I stare up at her in disbelief. I heard you just then, I call back. We lock eyes and she gives me a thrilled grin.

  “So Ryan, she’s your responsibility now,” Vaness says quickly, filling the silence we left.

  “I’m not his patient anymore, apparently,” I retort.

  “Go ahead, Vanessa. I’ll take my chances,” he says.

  “See y’all,” she says and gives us a little wave. Have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Her parting thought nestles into my middle, warming me from within.

  Ryan lowers himself beside me without saying anything. I study his face in silence. A hundred possible first sentences filter through my brain but none of them make it to my mouth. He holds my gaze for a few moments before dropping his eyes to his lap.

  “Aren’t you cold?” he finally asks.

  I look down at my bare arms. It’s been so long since I wore anything other than a hospital gown that I forgot to grab a jacket. “I’m okay.” I rub them anyway, feeling exposed.

  “It’s near freezing out here.”

  I don’t answer.

  “I know why you’re upset with me,” he says. “I gave you mixed signals and that wasn’t fair, and it also wasn’t your fault. But there are a lot of complications between you and me.”

  That’s what his attitude was all about? He doesn’t think that I’m crazy? My insides leap and then tense. “What, because I’m a patient?”

  “No, it’s not just that.”

  “Because I’m younger than you?”

  “I think ‘younger’ is a mild way of addressing the age gap.”

  “I’m eighteen. You’re not that much older than me. If you’re just here to make fun of me then you can leave. I am fine out here by myself. I don’t need a babysitter,” I say sharply, and instantly regret it.

  What would Vanessa do? She’d probably put all her cards on the table and let them fall where they may. I can practically hear her voice in my head telling me to do just that. What do you have to lose? The thought is strangely comforting. I pounce on the surge of confidence before it can escape.

  “For starters, I’m well aware that I’m younger than you. But I feel like when you look at me, you see me. Really see me. I don’t know what that means, but I know it means something.”

  “Tanzy, there’s still so much you have to learn; so much you have to decide for yourself,” Ryan says vaguely.

  He might as well have petted me on the head. Embarrassment paints a hot line up my throat as it makes its way to the corners of my eyes.

  “I don’t even know what that means, but I think that was answer enough for me.” I clench my jaw shut and climb to my feet.

  Ryan’s strong hand is quick around my wrist. I start to jerk it away from him, anticipating his pull, but his hold is tender and patient. “Please,” he says. He shakes his head in frustration. “I’m just not good at talking about how I feel. I’m kind of a guy that way.”

  I can’t help but smile down at him. His blue eyes draw me in and I ease myself back down on the grass. His fingers trace the veins on my wrist to my palm and he takes my hand in his.

  “But, Tanzy, I do see you. Don’t think for a second that I don’t,” he says, his eyes grave.

  No one has ever looked at me like that before.

  Under his hot stare, all of the uncertainty and nervousness burns away. I tug at his hand, pulling him closer to me. He gives me a half smile as he brings his face to mine. There is no hesitation. His lips are warm and full against mine. We melt together effortlessly, sending little shockwaves all the way to my toes. I push myself even closer, drawn to the taste of him. He quells my rushing body with a slow kiss and I cave into his solid chest. He brings a strong hand gently to my throat, and my pulse hammers under his thumb.

  An icy gust of wind tears through the courtyard. He protectively wraps his arms around me as the air whips around us. It sounds like it’s screaming. I’ve never heard anything like it. And then it’s gone as fast as it came. Without warning he pushes away from me, rocking back on his heels.

  “I have to go, Tanzy. I’m sorry.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, bewildered. I bring my fingers to my tingling lips.

  “I’ll explain later, but I can’t be here right now.”

  My eyes dart to his pager, but it’s not glowing with some urgent message.

  “Was that bad for you?” I stammer. The words hurt to say but it’s the only explanation I can come up with.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That, just then. Did you not feel the same thing I did?” Because that was one of the best moments of my life.

  His face softens as my words fight their way through whatever is storming behind his wild eyes. “It’s not what you think,” he says gently. “Close your eyes.”

  I stare suspiciously at him for a second before obliging. His worn hands take the sides of my face and he tilts up my chin. The kiss is quick, but it’s enough to shore the break he’d made.

  “I don’t have time to explain right now. But I will when I can,” he says. His touch fades away. I reach out blindly for him, but I don’t feel him anywhere.

  “Ryan?” I ask, feeling ridiculous. He doesn’t answer. I open my eyes. He’s not in front of me. He’s not anywhere.

  “Pathetic,” a low voice snarls behind me.

  I spin toward the threatening sound. A man I’ve never seen before stands rigidly beside a
bare tree. His raven hair is a stark contrast against his translucent face. He is horrifically beautiful. I am startled to recognize how much he resembles Lucas. But his beauty scares something deep and unnamed in my very center as he assesses me with colorless eyes.

  “You shouldn’t tease the poor boy,” he mocks. “You shouldn’t waste your time with him, either. Or did you learn nothing last time?”

  He glides a step closer. And then another. My eyes instinctively jump to his hands, but no color glitters off his smooth skin.

  “I’m sorry. Do I know you?” Is this a psych patient? Could he be dangerous?

  A throaty laugh sounds from his pale lips. “If you still don’t know who I am, I imagine you don’t yet know yourself.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Who you are. What you’re capable of. Why you’re back.” His words stir in my mind, tugging at something long-forgotten. “When you’re ready, when you know yourself, you’ll find me. And I’ll be waiting for you, Spera. But you of all beings should know that I’m not patient.”

  He takes two smooth steps backward and then fades into the shadows.

  What just happened? Who was that? My brain replays the strange man’s words, his face, his white eyes, the weird name he called me. He must be a psych patient. Amnesia or Alzheimer’s or something like that. His eyes are so freaky. I feel a pang of sympathy for him.

  I hug my legs to my chest and rest my face on my knees as my heart rate returns to normal. The scars on my arm are silver under the moon. I trace each line with a finger. They’re already flat and smooth. I close my eyes, suddenly exhausted, and mentally replay the kiss with Ryan over and over. And what happened afterward, wondering what made him run away like that.

  The thought works itself under my skin like a splinter. I let out a loud sigh and lie back. The ground is surprisingly comfortable. Too comfortable. My eyes feel heavy. I fight back, knowing I should go back to my room and sleep in bed like a normal person. I’m still arguing with myself as the sounds from the hospital fade away.

  “Are you coming?” Lucas asks. “There’s something you need to see.”

  He guides me the short distance to a dirty black rock that is taller than I am. It’s caked in red sand. I wipe at the jagged surface. The images I knew would be there become clearer as the rusty grit falls away. Six stick figures ringed in red spirals. Even though they are identical I focus on the last one. I trace her with my finger. A sharp pain sizzles through my hand and I instinctively draw it away. Black-red blood seeps from my torn finger. A drop of blood falls to the beach.