To Be or Not To Be: The Actors

by Cathrine Goldstein

  “If it weren’t for this dump you live in, you’d probably get laid a lot more often.”

  “All right, all right.” Trevor smiled, feeling that certain emotion he had never experienced before Jenna. “Do you have a point?”

  “Look, Trevor.” Her gaze dropped then returned to him. “I’m not one of those girls who’s immune to sex. The ones who do it as a performance, because that’s what’s expected of them.”

  Trevor nodded, understanding completely.

  “I feel sorry for those girls. I think society has pushed them into that position.” She smiled. “No pun intended. But I was never that girl. Sex means a lot to me. And from the way you just had sex with me, despite the amount of experience you may have, I think it means a lot to you, too.” Jenna grinned and tilted her head, looking so much older and wiser.

  “Jenna.” Trevor moved around the island to get to her. He spun her stool so she faced him then leaned down, his hands resting on the high back of her stool. His body enveloped her. He wanted so much from her but he needed to be careful not to push. “I didn’t have sex with you; I made love to you.”

  Jenna sighed, her body leaning toward his.

  He knew she was terrified, but he wanted her to know this. “I’ve had sex…this wasn’t just sex. This was more.”

  “Trevor—”

  “Yes, I know there’s some mysterious reason you think we can’t be together, but I’m telling you, Jenna, it won’t happen.”

  Jenna placed her small warm hands on his chest. Trevor inhaled sharply.

  “Trevor, have you ever wondered why you’re an actor?”

  “Because it was my calling, I guess.” He crossed his arms.

  “Yes. And you know why? Because we have gypsy blood in us. All actors do. We’re nomads by choice. We don’t stay in one place very long—or with someone else very long—we’re incapable of it, somehow.” Her eyes glassed over as she smiled.

  “Lots of great actors have life partners. Don and Evelyn for example.”

  “Yeah.” Jenna nodded. “Except Evelyn gave up her career to support his. Someone always, in some way, has to give. What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “You’re thirty-two years old. What happens when you decide you’re ready to settle down? What happens to your partner? You buy her a McMansion in Jersey or Westchester, which should make her happy, right? And then the car takes you to work every day while she’s stuck home with unfulfilled dreams and crying children. While you play Caspian or Hamlet or Brick, she goes to PTA meetings and fights off suburban mothers who watch your show and dig at her with questions about what you’re like in bed.”

  Trevor stepped back. “That’s exactly the reason Maggie didn’t want to be with me anymore. Because she wanted those things and knew I never would. It doesn’t have to be that way, Jenna. What makes you think I would ever be so selfish?”

  “You won’t realize you’re being selfish. That’s the whole thing. Don’t you get it?” Jenna shook her head. “As much as I like being with you, I’m not prepared to give it all up before I even get started. Are you?”

  Trevor clenched his jaw.

  “So this has to be it, tonight. Only tonight. Because you’ll want to move on. You’re burned out, Trevor. I can see it. You’re so sick of playing Caspian your soul aches. That’s the reason we just connected the way we did. Honestly, before me, when was the last time Trevor Hughes, not Caspian Locke, made love to a woman?”

  “I don’t know.” His voice was low and filled with anguish.

  She tilted her head and nodded, wiping a tear. “I understand, Trevor, I really do. But I will never leave this city, or this business, ever, and if we push this any further, it will ruin our show. And neither of us can afford to have that happen.” She stood and touched his cheek.

  He closed his eyes, holding her hand then dropped it and stepped back. “This is bullshit. Sorry, Jenna. But you’re wrong. If people want to be together they make it work. So tell me, right now, what’s the real reason you won’t give this a try?”

  “I have obligations elsewhere.”

  “What? An arranged marriage?”

  “Of course not. I just—I can’t tell you, Trevor.”

  Anger and hurt welled up inside him. Heat flashed through his body, his ego taking a punch to the gut. He backed away from her. Damn. Exactly what hurdle did she imagine could stop him? He could buy and sell most obstacles and he could hold his own against any man, physically or mentally. So what?

  “No more ice cream?” She tilted her head.

  Trevor stared at her. His heart felt…sore for the first time. He rubbed away a pain in his chest. In his life, if he worked hard enough he could always get what he wanted. That’s how life worked. But Jenna—smart, talented, beautiful, break-the-rules Jenna—there’s no way she would conform to his model of success. Even if he worked harder, would he get her? He shook his head. No, he didn’t want more ice cream.

  “Kaaayyyyy…” Jenna plopped down off the stool then closed containers and tucked them into the freezer. She cleaned up the splatter and placed their spoons in the sink. She looked around uneasily. “I guess I should…” Then her gaze met his.

  Trevor stood perfectly still, unsure for the first time ever, of what to do next. Jenna inhaled deeply then took his hand and gently pulled him toward the music room.

  ****

  Her hand entwined in his and pulling him forward, Jenna backed into the music room. She folded herself onto the couch, tucking a blanket beside her. “Can I stay?” She looked up at him and her heart raced. Yes, he liked her and liked spending time with her, but at what point would he decide she just wasn’t worth the hassle? She was nothing special. Nothing at all. He didn’t move. Looking into his icy blue eyes, now warming with desire, Jenna understood he was hurting. Damn it. That was the last thing she wanted.

  He glanced at her legs poking out of his t-shirt. Slowly she rubbed them together and took a long breath, finding it hard to make eye contact. “Just a few hours ago was Valentine’s night. I really don’t want to be alone—” Before she could finish her thought, Trevor’s mouth was on hers.

  He stopped for a moment, pushing her hair back from her face, tucking it gently behind her ear. “Would you rather go to the bedroom?”

  She shook her head. “I like it here. Okay?”

  He nodded and she opened her arms to him. He caught her in his embrace and lay with her—facing her, their hands intertwined. Unspoken words crowded Jenna’s mind, but she couldn’t free a single one…it wouldn’t be fair. Instead, she turned her back to him, and he draped his heavy arm across her. She loved it. Jenna ran her fingers up and down the length of Trevor’s long, strong arm. She traced the sinews of his muscles, from fingertip to elbow. His breath escaped in bursts, warming her neck, as her touch elicited goose bumps on his arm. She subtly leaned back against him, feeling for his reaction.

  He shifted closer to her so she fit her bottom up against his waist and his arm tightened around her. He buried his nose in her hair. She grabbed onto his forearm with both of her hands, and moved her head to kiss him. His grasp tightened and she reached down, sliding off her panties. He was ready, pressing into the small of her back and she moved closer in response, waiting, wanting, needing.

  “Jenna, baby,” he whispered. “Stay with me.” His voice was nearly as erotic as his actions. He repeated his words as he entered her.

  Jenna gasped as Trevor tightened his hold on her. This time when she let him in, she wasn’t sure she would be strong enough to let him go.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jenna shivered as she bent down to relace her running shoes. Damn, February 15 had to be the coldest loneliest day in New York City. She stood on the corner, looking at the bodega next to her. Half-frozen flowers hung out of display containers and others lay trampled on the road, victims of last evening’s rush to romance. People shuffled their feet as they pushed by her on their way to grab dirt water dogs from a nearby vendo
r. An old card shop across the street displayed a “Half-Off Valentine’s Day” sign and a gym next door advertised: “Get Better Buns, for Better Luck Next Year.”

  There were so many lonely people in the world. So many people who would give years of their lives to experience what Jenna had with Trevor and yet here she was, alone the day after Valentine’s Day.

  She wasn’t proud of her actions, but the man was playing Hamlet again later that day. And leaving him a note was certainly the polite thing to do. She had to go and let him get some rest. That’s why she had sneaked out of his penthouse like the unpopular girl at school running from the “in” crowd. Which, ironically, was exactly what she was. The complicated elevator gate was far less complicated for this, her second escape. Unfortunately, the same wasn’t true of her feelings. “He needs his sleep,” she muttered as she left his building and went into the bitter cold of New York. One step out onto the brutally frigid street, and the wind had slapped her face, deservedly.

  What a coward. She should have at least told him she was leaving.

  Jenna trudged on. A note? She left a freaking note? How would she feel if he had walked out on her? Shaking the horrid thoughts away, Jenna began jogging again, moving faster and faster until she broke out into a run. She pounded her way up the avenue, hoping her steps would bring her clarity. Instead, they brought a throbbing headache. Up ahead was the entrance to the park. Should she take it?

  Like an old horse who knew the trail, her body instinctively swerved toward the usual running route. Her fingers tingled…she wanted so badly to take it. She wanted him to wake up, notice her missing, read the note, and come running after her. Jenna forced her chin down, concentrating on the ground before her. Life wasn’t a soap opera, even if your life was intertwined with a soap star. She pushed harder, passing the entrance, her heart aching more than her body.

  ****

  “Ow!” Jenna grabbed her thigh then plopped down on the next step. She used the handrail to drag herself upward. After hours of running, her legs were rubber and climbing the stairs to her apartment was torture.

  Jenna used one hand to support the other as she fought her fatigued trembling arm muscles. Finally, the last lock of the four locks clicked open and she threw herself inside. She slumped down on the floor by the door, not sure she would ever be able to move again. Her tummy grumbled so she craned her neck to peek into her near-empty kitchen cabinets. Great. Freaking peanut butter. Forget it. What she needed was a hot shower to loosen her aching muscles. After all, he wasn’t the only one performing in a few hours.

  The warmish water ran down her body, but thanks to her lousy water pressure, the gentle stream felt more like a caress than a cleansing. Damn it. She didn’t need to be caressed, she didn’t need anything that would remind her of Trevor, not that he was ever out of her thoughts, anyway.

  Closing her eyes, Jenna leaned against the shower wall, her fingers making their way to her lips, thinking of every detail of their time together…no. Enough. It was one night only. That’s all it could be. She opened her eyes and scowled at a smiling Papa Smurf.

  ****

  “What the hell?” Jenna clamped the top of her robe closed as she stared at Trevor and Luis standing in her living room. She shuffled from foot to foot, conscious that, in her white robe with the white towel wrapped around her hair, she looked like a mini marshmallow. “Wait…is Toby okay?”

  “Yes. He’s fine. Recovering well.”

  “Thank God.” Relief washed over her, as she balanced the towel on her head with her hand. “Then what the hell are you two doing in my living room?” Jenna glowered at the two men. This time they had really overstepped boundaries.

  “We came to make sure you were all right.” Trevor’s voice was low and measured. His chest heaved as he spoke, a worried look etched on his face.

  Jenna narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean if I’m all right? And how dare you barge in like this? I—I was naked in the shower.”

  “I’m not interested.” Luis stepped back.

  “And I’ve seen it all before,” Trevor said sharply.

  Jenna gasped, glaring at Trevor. He gazed back at her—his eyes alive with fire. He moved closer, his aura filling the tiny room. He was so tall, and smart, and gorgeous, and the way he looked at her…hell no. She needed to focus.

  Trevor scratched the scruff on his chin. “I am so relieved but so angry right now, I don’t know if I should hug you or put you over my knee.”

  “Huh!” Jenna’s mouth dropped open and she released her grasp on her towel. Heat rose in her cheeks, and her heart raced from embarrassment and desire. A misplaced smirk threatened to make an appearance, but she couldn’t let it happen. She needed to stay strong and regroup.

  He grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her closer. Her body fell forward. A warm, prickly sensation flushed over her. Her nipples hardened, a sharp ache forming between her legs. She looked up at him, her body flooded with desire and excitement. He pulled her closer still, her breath moving in time with his. Finally, he shook his head and released his hold on her. He turned away. Droplets of water dripped down her neck. She exhaled, audibly.

  “Jenna.” Luis stepped forward. “I let him in. The man called me, really upset.”

  “Why were you upset?” Jenna turned to Trevor who looked at her in that same unnerving way.

  “Because you left a note saying you were going running. And when I went to catch up with you, you were nowhere on our running path. So I went back to my place to wait for you. But you never showed,” Trevor said through clenched teeth.

  “I went a different way.” Frustration swirled in Jenna’s chest. “I don’t have to explain myself.”

  “No?” He raised his eyebrows. “You have no cell phone. What if something happened to you?” he asked sharply.

  Drip, drip, drip…droplets of water trickled from the sides of the turbaned towel in her hair, annoying her. She fought with the towel, finally letting it drop to the floor. Her wet hair hung down over her shoulders.

  Something flickered in Trevor’s eyes then, a different kind of passion. His voice softened. “It’s a big, bad city, Jen.”

  “Oh geez.” Luis whistled, moving away.

  “Oh no, you don’t.” Anger poured forth out of every cell in Jenna’s body. Her fists closed into balls and she squeezed them tightly.

  “What?” Trevor scoffed, looking at Luis and back again. “No one’s allowed to say anything bad about New York?”

  Jenna stepped toward Trevor, taking a deep breath, checking her anger. “People who hate the city try to get other people to leave it.”

  “What?” Trevor’s eyes narrowed. “Why would I want you to leave the city? I want you here. With me. I just want to take care of you.”

  “I’m not a responsibility.” Jenna spoke slowly. “And I’m certainly not your responsibility, Trevor.”

  “But what if I want you to be?”

  Jenna rocked back on her heels, tears forming in her eyes where anger danced only moments before. “I am a person, Trevor. Not a responsibility. I can take care of myself.”

  “Jenna…” Trevor’s shoulders dropped a bit. “I know that. But part of being a man is taking care of the people we l—”

  Jenna’s heart pounded and perspiration dotted her forehead.

  “I want to take care of you, Jenna. I want to be with you. Why won’t you let me?”

  “Because it’s not possible, Trevor.” She saw the ache in his eyes. Damn it. She hated that she caused it.

  “Why not?” Trevor stroked her cheek.

  Jenna swayed into him, almost giving over. “I—I can’t tell you.”

  “Fine.” Trevor dropped his hand.

  “Oh, just tell him, Jenna,” Luis said from the other side of the room.

  Jenna wheeled around to face Luis. “Luis, I shared that with you and Loretta one night in confidence. And I was drunk. You said you’d never bring it up. I love you like a brother, but this is none of your business.”r />
  “No, Jen, it’s all of my business, because I have been the one who’s been here for you. Time and again. And I have a family now. Besides, life is made for couples, not groups. There will be things you need—big support, and you should have someone for that.”

  “That’s exactly the reason I can’t, Luis…you know that.”

  “Jenna, this guy is a good guy.”

  “I know that.” Jenna’s gaze dropped to the floor as she collected her thoughts. “But why are you pushing me?”

  “Because you need more than a friend. You deserve it.”

  She was losing the battle with her tears.

  “I think you’re making a mistake, Jen. Don’t shut him out. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  Jenna bit the inside of her cheek, her breath shallower. She looked back and forth, from man to man—she was cornered, trapped like prey. A bitter taste formed in her mouth. Hateful words swirled in her brain—she knew they were poisonous, but she couldn’t help herself. “And tell me something, Luis. Isn’t there just a tiny part of you that thinks he’s the best thing to happen to you as well?” Jenna raised an eyebrow.

  “Excuse me?”

  “The audition. The new show Trevor’s friend just happens to be producing.”

  “That’s it.” Trevor moved forward. “I’m not going to allow my unrequited feelings for you to hurt Luis or your relationship with him.”

  “No, man.” Luis put up his hand. “It’s cool. Yeah, well, Jenna. Now I know what you really think of our friendship.” Luis fished Jenna’s keys out of his pocket and dropped them onto her small kitchen table. He stared at Jenna for a long moment. “Later, man.” Luis pulled open the apartment door and left.

  “Shit.” Jenna bowed her head. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.” With her damp robe wrapped around her, she shivered in her chilly apartment.

  “You know…” Trevor clamped his hand to the back of his neck. His head dropped backward and he exhaled audibly. “You don’t seem to understand, Jenna. To have people in your life you love, it means they get to love you, too.”

  Jenna’s head snapped up. She gazed at Trevor, knowing this may be the very last time she would ever see him offstage. “No, Trevor.” Jenna’s voice was soft. “That is exactly what it doesn’t mean.”