To Be or Not To Be: The Actors

by Cathrine Goldstein

  He snickered, rolling his eyes. “How much champagne have you had?”

  Jenna put her hands on her hips. “Don’t laugh this off. Yes, you’re incredibly handsome, and yes, you are awe-inspiring shirtless…”

  He scoffed, but Jenna went on. “But more importantly, you are a wonderful person, and you are so talented.”

  “I sold out, Jen.”

  “Caspian?”

  Trevor nodded. “Sure.”

  “But you’re playing Hamlet, now.”

  “And it has been the most rewarding experience…” He reached out and touched a loose tendril of her hair. “In so many ways. But it’s too little, too late.”

  “What about Brick? Like we talked about?”

  “Jen, you know as well as I do, roles don’t just happen.”

  Jenna nodded, understanding completely. “But there are ways, Trevor. You don’t have to play Caspian Locke forever.”

  “Jenna, you know my situation. Amanda and Toby rely on me; how can I make that income anywhere else? Who will take a chance on a soap opera bad guy? What else would I do?”

  “Why not produce, like you told Luis you’d like to do? You’ve got an eye for spotting talent. You cast me.” Jenna prodded Trevor playfully, trying to lighten the mood.

  “That’s true, I did.” He grinned.

  “And you got Luis an audition for the new show, and you and I both know he is a fabulous actor. He deserves that role, no matter what lousy things I said to him. And while you’re at it, why not take over for Don?”

  Trevor threw his head back, laughing uncomfortably. “Jen, you know the only students I would get would be wannabe soap actors. And I’m not sure I’d want to do that.”

  “Then what? What would you like to do?”

  “Honestly?” His eyes sparkled. “I’d love to start my own theatre company.”

  Jenna nodded. A wave of excitement crossed her chest and shot down her arms but her belly filled with lead. “Then do it.” Her voice cracked.

  He gave her the smallest, saddest smile.

  “But you don’t want to do it in the city, do you?”

  “No. I don’t know if I really want to deal with the crap it takes to start a theatre company in New York City.”

  “I get it. As much as I love the city, I would imagine it would be incredible to start a theatre company somewhere upstate. Buy an old barn. Lots of land. House the actors. Do real, important theatre all summer long. Be part of a working community.”

  Trevor smiled.

  “Lots of greats started on soaps, Trevor. You’re not that show. And it’s not you.”

  “I don’t know.”

  He looked away, but she reached out and touched his cheek. Gently, she turned him toward her. She stroked his scruffy beard. “I know.”

  ****

  When they made it to their seats, Luis and Loretta were sitting there, engrossed in conversation. Luis stopped talking when Jenna walked up and stood close to them.

  “I didn’t know you two were here. I’m so, so happy to see you.” Jenna fought the tears in her eyes as Loretta stood and hugged her. Jenna stepped back, taking in Loretta’s full-length peach gown. “You look gorgeous. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

  “Trevor set it all up. Wanted you and Luis to get a chance to talk.” Loretta patted her husband on the shoulder. “It was my job to force him into his wedding suit and make him come.”

  Jenna smiled. “Well you look great, Luis.”

  “Thanks.” Luis sipped soda, watching as the first few couples made their way to the dance floor.

  “Luis,” Jenna implored, moving closer to him. “Please, please forgive me. What I said, it was awful.”

  Luis avoided eye contact.

  Trevor whisked around behind them and took Loretta by the hand. “Loretta? Could I have this dance?”

  “Absolutely.” She leaned down to whisper in Luis’s ear. “She’s sorry. We all do and say stupid things. All of us.”

  Luis watched Loretta as she waltzed off with Trevor.

  “Guess they really want us to get a chance to talk.” Jenna sat next to Luis. She tossed her clutch onto the table and leaned back, ready to take whatever horrible things Luis had to say to her.

  “Guess so.” Luis picked up his soft drink and sipped it, watching the dancers as they twirled their way around the floor.

  “Luis.” Jenna put her hand on Luis’s. “Please, please tell me what I can say to make this better.”

  Luis shook his head and turned to her. Her hand fell away. “You and I…Jen, we’ve been through a lot.”

  “Yes.” Jenna bit the inside of her cheek.

  “Aside from Loretta, you’ve been my best friend for a long time now.” His gaze flashed to the table and back to Jenna.

  “And you’ve been mine.”

  “I still remember the first time I saw you. I had just been cast as Othello, big surprise, for my exam plays at school, and they told me they had a fabulous Desdemona for me, and in walks your first-year skinny ass.” Luis shook his head, laughing. “I kept thinking, ‘These are my exam plays and they’re giving me some first year kid who hadn’t even gone to get a BFA yet?’”

  “That was when we met Don. He came to watch you.”

  “And he snapped up both of us.” Luis looked at Jenna. “But they were right, Don and the school; you were a fabulous Desdemona. You’re a great actor, Jen, but you’re an even better friend. You’ve seen me at my lowest points. You’ve never judged me. You’ve given me pep talks after I’ve blown auditions. You let me puke in your bathroom when Loretta wouldn’t let me come home. So I guess”—he sighed heavily—“what I’m trying to say is, I forgive you for what you said to me.” His gaze darted up to hers. “But it hurt, and I hope to hell you didn’t mean it.”

  “I didn’t. I swear, Luis.”

  Luis nodded. “I know that. You’ve had a lot thrown at you lately. And I know you’re not feeling like yourself. I think it was just passion talking.”

  Jenna threw her arms around Luis’s neck and hugged him tightly.

  Luis pulled back, chuckling. “But Jenna, as your friend, I’m telling you, he’s a good guy. And guys like that don’t come along very often.”

  Jenna turned to see Trevor twirling Loretta on the dance floor. They were both laughing. Jenna’s shoulders slumped forward. “I know, Luis.”

  “Don’t make him wait forever.”

  “You waited for Loretta.”

  Luis pointed at Trevor. “You can’t compare us. I mean, sure we both have rugged good looks…” He chuckled, and Jenna laughed with him. “But I was a screw-up, Jen. You know that. Until I kicked my habit, I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. And a lot of what I did hurt Loretta. I waited for Loretta to say yes to marrying me because I had to prove myself. And why she waited for me…” He gazed at Loretta. “I don’t know. I’m just incredibly lucky, I guess.”

  “Yes,” Jenna whispered.

  “But what does he have to prove?”

  Jenna swallowed hard. “Nothing.” She shook her head. “But you know I’ll never be able to make this donation if he’s in my life. If I think there’s even a chance, Luis…and what if, by some miracle, we make it? He’s so sick of being Caspian. He’s done. He’ll want out. And I haven’t even started yet. I can’t end up like my dad, my dreams tossed aside, because it’s time to be a parent.”

  “You’re not your dad, Jen. And Trevor’s certainly not your mom.”

  “I know, but what about—? Luis, he has obligations. He already takes care of people in his life. I can’t add to that. I can’t bring my crazy mother and my commitment to my sister to him. He’ll want to help, I know it, and it’s just too much. There are so many reasons why we can’t work.”

  “And one big reason you can. Take a gamble, Jenna. Just like the rest of us.”

  “But what if I lose?”

  Luis leaned forward and took Jenna’s hand. He smiled. “ ‘And if we should fail? We fail. But screw yo
ur courage to the sticking-place, and we’ll not fail.’ ”

  Jenna smirked. “You doing a Macbeth I don’t know about? Perchance?”

  Luis shook his head. “Nah, I’m afraid there’s no theatre for me for awhile.”

  “No theatre?” Jenna frowned, trying to understand. “Luis, that’s like having no air to breathe.”

  “I got the show, Jen.”

  Jenna sat forward, her heart racing. “The new crime drama?”

  “The audition Trevor got me, yeah.” Luis nodded. “Kat called me earlier today. I almost can’t believe it myself. Just over two years ago I was a mess…and today…?”

  Luis raised his glass and Jenna grabbed a nearby water goblet, toasting back. They placed their drinks on the table.

  Jenna hugged Luis tightly. “Congratulations, Luis.”

  He pulled back from her. “Jenna, you’re amazing as Ophelia in an Off-Broadway show. You’ve got a guy, a handsome, smart, talented guy who’s crazy about you. This should be the best time of your life.”

  “I know.” Jenna looked at Trevor as he spun Loretta around the dance floor. “I know.”

  ****

  The band began a slow, classic, love song and suddenly Trevor was there. At his intent gaze, Jenna’s stomach flip-flopped, like she had opening night jitters. His hair was perfectly disheveled and his scruff tamed. The way he moved—in control and confident—he was so incredibly sexy. He put out his hand and lifted her to her feet. Without a word, he led her to the dance floor and wrapped his arm around her waist. He took her other hand in his and held it tightly between them. As the band sang lyrics of a man professing his love, Trevor hummed along. He leaned down, moving her body with his.

  For two minutes, it was utter bliss. Jenna knew it would have to end, but for now…she breathed deeply as Trevor held her tighter. She gave over to him, completely, his strong hand on her lower back moving her in time with his body. Together, they swayed slowly, barely moving from their one spot on the dance floor. She warmed at the feel of their two bodies, tight together.

  His hand spread wider on her back, claiming her as his own. She sucked in a choppy breath, an undeniable ache forming at the thought of belonging to Trevor. He pulled her closer, and she clung to him, knowing she was safe, protected, and wanted. He leaned down and breathed her in, and for a moment, Jenna felt such a responsibility toward him—she wanted to protect him from anything and anyone that may hurt him—including her.

  She squeezed her eyes shut, holding on tighter as she whispered, “Trevor.”

  ****

  That one little word—his name—whispered in her soft, breathy voice, was all Trevor needed to throw caution and his plan of playing it cool, to the wind. Desire burned like a raging fire in his gut; before Jenna, he had never felt these feelings—these feelings of protectiveness and peace and happiness and possibility and strength—and love. And tonight the feelings were too strong to deny any longer. Trevor pulled her closer; they were no longer dancing, they were morphing into one. The only time he had ever felt this close to another person was when he made love to her, all those weeks ago.

  “Jenna…” He needed her to understand he was here for her, and always would be. Thankfully, the song ended at just the perfect moment, and he sang the final words of the song into her ear. “I’m in love with you…” Trevor waited for her to push away from him, but she didn’t. Instead, she looked up at him with her beautiful eyes, glowing. Trevor took her by the hand, protectively. “We’re leaving now.”

  She nodded. She understood. This was his time. Tonight, he would win Jenna Joyce, once and for all. He held her hand firmly as they made their way around the room, saying their goodbyes.

  Loretta smiled brightly at Jenna. “Not staying for dinner?”

  “I guess not.”

  “It’s vegan, anyway.” Luis sighed, leaning forward against the table. “Go grab yourselves some burgers.”

  A woman at another table shot Luis a dirty look.

  Luis cleared his throat. “Tofu, of course.”

  Trevor said goodbye, shaking Luis’s hand and kissing Loretta on the cheek. Texting his driver, he led Jenna to coat check, but Jenna still hadn’t uttered a word. Quickly, he laid her wrap over her shoulders and guided her out onto the cold streets of New York. She bounced on her toes in response to the bitterness, and Trevor wrapped his arm around her to keep her warm as he escorted her into the waiting limo. Settling in, he gave the driver directions. Finally, he turned to Jenna. Flushed, beautiful, Jenna. Every time he looked at her, he needed a beat to pass, just to reclaim his senses. He reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder. “We’re grabbing something to eat.”

  Jenna nodded.

  “And then, finally, we’re going to talk this thing through.”

  There really was no option. He wouldn’t bully her or coerce her into anything she wasn’t ready for but frankly, it was time she was ready. She was a beautiful, talented young woman who was in a beast of a business, and that meant there would be people at every turn trying to take advantage of her. He had seen it so many times. But Trevor knew in his heart he belonged with her, that it was his job to protect her and watch her become a star, rising higher than she ever imagined. This was only the beginning for her…and for them.

  The only real problem he faced tonight was the unknown, her secret, and more importantly, her reaction to her secret. That was the one variable he couldn’t control, and despite his confidence, this one little worry was eating away at him. Their show was ending soon and if he couldn’t get to the bottom of this now, he may very well lose her forever. He shifted in his seat. Losing her for any amount of time was out of the question—losing her forever was unthinkable.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jenna followed Trevor down a few concrete steps to a small restaurant on the Lower East Side, nestled in the outskirts of a trendy neighborhood. The restaurant was situated in the bottom of an old brownstone that sat back from the street, hidden from view. She’d never heard about this place, and there wasn’t even a street sign marking it. Jenna glanced up at Trevor as he held the door for her and her heart pounded from nerves.

  The warmth of the restaurant enveloped her as she walked through the door. She shook off her chill, breathing in the smell of candle wax, burgers, and fries. Without stopping for a hostess, Trevor led them to a small table near the very back of the restaurant. The table was covered in a black linen cloth, the woven texture matching the black textured wallpaper. Plush chairs, also covered in black linen, were pushed up tightly to the table. Trevor held her chair for her, and she slid forward as he sat across from her. His gaze was heavy on hers. In the dim candlelight, he was so handsome it was too much to handle. She picked up a stack of sugar packets from the white porcelain sugar dish, fiddling with them nervously.

  He pointed to the packets. “Coffee?”

  Jenna nodded, her teeth chattering too much to form words. Despite the warmth, she pulled her wrap tightly around her shoulders and blew into her hands, trying to shake off the last of her chill.

  Although the place was nearly empty, a waitress all dressed in black and carrying a pot of coffee, took her time ambling over. She picked up her pace when she spotted Trevor in his tux.

  “Hey, Trevor.” The waitress smiled at both of them. “Burgers—medium rare—and extra salty fries?”

  Trevor turned to Jenna. “That okay for you?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  Trevor reached out and took Jenna’s trembling hands in his as the waitress poured coffee into large, white, square-topped, porcelain mugs. He smiled as the waitress walked off.

  Jenna wrapped her hands around the mug, warming her hands. “The coffee smells incredible. Come here a lot I’m guessing?”

  He nodded, fixing her coffee with sugar and cream. “It’s an escape for me. I know with the darkness and candles it looks like a date place, but I come here alone to read…with a book light…” He chuckled, running his hand through his hair. “And just
to escape Caspian sometimes. No one gives a damn about some stupid soap character in this part of the Village, and I love it. Actually”—he shifted in his seat as he spoke—“I’ve never before brought anyone here. Ever.”

  “Then why bring me?”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Really, Jen? You really don’t know?”

  “Trevor…” Crap. This would be even harder than she anticipated.

  “Drink up.” Trevor lifted his chin toward her mug. “I think it’s going to be a long night.”

  Jenna nodded, lifting her mug to her lips, blowing on the coffee. How was she ever going to get through this? She shifted in her seat, but before she could utter a word, their burgers arrived. Trevor dug into his, but Jenna’s stomach was all tied up.

  “You’re not hungry?”

  “Not really.” She fiddled with her fork.

  Trevor raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you pass on food. Okay.” He swallowed his bite and sighed as he pushed his plate aside. He leaned across the table and pushed hers away, too. He took her hands. “I want to be with you, Jenna. I—as cliché as this sounds—I was lost, and you showed me the man I wanted to be. I’m a better actor because of you, and a better person. I’m not talking about wanting some quickie romance, I’m talking about a commitment.”

  Jenna leaned back in her seat. “Oh, crap.”

  He chuckled. “Not exactly the response I wanted.” He smiled. “I know you like me…or am I wrong?”

  “Of course you’re not wrong. I want to be with you more than anything. But it wouldn’t be fair to you, and I just…can’t.”

  “But that’s what I don’t understand. I’ve given this a lot of thought. Okay, so you’re worried we’ll leave the city. I promise Jenna, no matter where life takes us, I will keep an apartment here. Always. And I don’t expect you to give up your career; you are incredibly talented. As a matter of fact, you’re a better actor than I am.”

  “Trevor—”

  “It’s true. All I want to do is to be with you and help you shoot to the stars.”

  “You’re not making this any easier.”

  “That’s my goal.” He smiled. “Jenna, no matter what you tell me, it won’t matter. By now my mind has imagined everything. I’ve guessed you belong to a devil-worshipping cult, from which I am prepared to save you.” He grinned. “You’ve already told me there’s no husband and no arranged marriage. I know you are not, nor have you ever been, a man.” He raised his eyebrows.