Liquid & Ash

by E. M. Abel

  I briefly wondered if a man would ever make me laugh like that again.

  Shaking my head and dismissing that thought, I straightened my back and walked up my own stairs alone.

  My keys jingled as I unlocked and opened my apartment door. I pulled the strap of my purse over my head and searched for the light switch on the wall. Flicking it on, I breathed a sigh of content as I gazed at my surroundings. The space was bare, but it was mine, all mine.

  The only things I’d chosen to keep from my life with Derek were the dining room table and chairs and my car. A small wooden coffee table I’d bought at a yard sale sat in the middle of my living room floor. I kept a blanket folded next to it to sit on. I didn’t have a television. I only had a small stereo and a stack of my favorite books. The walls were bare, aside from the single framed picture I had of Liz and me when we were teenagers.

  As I sat on the blanket folded on my living room floor, I crossed my legs and pulled my wallet out of my purse. I took out the small stack of bills I’d collected at work and counted them.

  Eighty-two dollars.

  I’d gotten a job as a waitress at a local diner a few blocks from my apartment, and I had just finished another twelve-hour shift before going to the water tower. I liked the job because my schedule was flexible, so I was able to attend school and bring money home every night, but the tips weren’t nearly enough.

  I had been accepted into the nursing program at UNC at Wilmington, and hoped to attend in the fall. I’d applied for tuition assistance. There was no way I’d be able to afford the costs without it. It had been so long since I’d been to a class, and I had a lot of catching up to do so, I’d registered at the local community college. I’d taken a few classes earlier in the summer to make up for some of the credits that hadn’t transferred from my last school.

  I had been working as much as I could to save money, hoping to earn enough to afford the tuition at UNCW, but things weren’t looking good so far. Even after saving some of what Liz had given me and being as frugal as possible, I barely had enough to cover the costs.

  I could have tried to get money from Derek, but it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel like I deserved it, but I didn’t want him taking any credit for my new life. I wanted to know I’d done it all on my own. I had also lost the energy to fight him. He hadn’t taken my leaving very graciously. Now that we’d separated he was living in an apartment on the other side of town, and I had a feeling his pride, not his heart, was hurting the most. I would rather leave Derek everything than argue over what parts of our past I had a right to keep. He could have it all.

  Collecting my money into my wallet, I put it back in my purse and got up to lock my door. I kicked off my dirty tennis shoes and turned on the radio before walking back to my small bedroom where my queen-size air mattress and two pillows waited for me.

  After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I was so exhausted that I decided to shower in the morning, ignoring the smell of fried food still lingering in my hair. Staring at the water-stained ceiling above me, I listened to the sound of a car driving on the wet street outside.

  Ed Sheeran’s smooth voice bellowed out of the speakers in my living room as I pictured Brandon with his arm around that woman’s shoulders, the smile on his face, the LOVE and FEAR on his fingers.

  I fell asleep, wondering how they’d feel on me.

  I awoke with a start. My room was still dark, the sound of cicadas echoing in the humid air. It took me a moment to register the sound of my phone ringing in my purse on the floor. Pulling the strap, I yanked it toward me and quickly sat up to answer it as the threat of urgency registered.

  “Hello?” I asked, my voice still rough from sleep.

  “Penny?”

  I closed my eyes and dropped my forehead into my free hand. “What is it, Derek?”

  “I didn’t mean to wake you. Shit, Penny.”

  I sighed loudly and fell back onto my pillows.

  “I miss you. Don’t you miss me?”

  Derek’s slurred words made me groan in annoyance.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “I love you, Penny. I thought you loved me, too.”

  “I’m not going to do this again, Derek. It’s been six months. You know you don’t love me anymore.”

  “Stop fucking—” He paused and took an audible breath. “Stop telling me I don’t love you. I do love you, Penny. I always have.”

  I felt my temper rising in my chest. I was so tired of his shit. “Oh, yeah, Derek? Tell me, did you love me when you were fucking her? Did you love me when you left me at home, waiting for you? When you lied to me? Huh? How deep was your love then?”

  He was silent, and I could almost picture him rubbing his hand over his short hair.

  “Don’t you ever wonder why you’re fighting so hard to get me back when you never once fought to keep me?”

  I didn’t wait for his answer before hitting the End button and tossing my phone back onto my purse.

  “Ugh!”

  Clenching my fists at my sides, I let out a frustrated growl, my entire body tensed as I tried releasing all my frustration. My voice echoed off of the bare walls, and then the room grew silent again before a used car commercial started broadcasting on the radio.

  Motherfucker.

  I tossed my blankets off of me and went to my small bathroom to use the toilet, muttering under my breath the entire time.

  Derek hadn’t been making this easy. He’d called me almost every day during the first few weeks I’d been gone, begging me to come back to him, promising he’d never hurt me again. When I’d refused, he’d lashed out, accusing me of being with someone else or never loving him to begin with.

  As much as I’d come to terms with my decision, it was still the hardest choice I’d ever had to make. Derek was the only man I’d ever loved, and as much as I resented him for what he’d done, he had given me some of the happiest years of my life. I missed him, but I didn’t miss what we’d become, and I definitely didn’t miss the woman I had been when we were together.

  I decided to take a hot shower in an attempt to relax myself and hopefully get more sleep. It didn’t work.

  Giving up, I dragged myself out of bed at four a.m., and I made myself a pot of coffee. Luckily, I didn’t have to work today. Sitting at my old dining room table, I spent about an hour going through my bills and working on a budget.

  The truth was, I was still miserable. Yes, I’d left an unhappy marriage, but now, I was right back where I’d started. I was back to planning, sacrificing my present happiness for future possibilities. It was important to have goals, but I couldn’t lose myself to them. I needed to find balance.

  Glancing down at my phone, I decided I’d call Tiffany later and see if she wanted to go out for lunch. She and I had grown close over the past six months. She had quickly become my best friend. She was my shoulder to cry on, and she made me laugh when I needed it.

  Later that afternoon, I sat in a booth at a Chinese restaurant as Tiffany finished filling her plate at the buffet. Picking up an egg roll, I took a bite as she walked toward our table and set down a plate piled high with greasy food.

  “Where in the hell do you put all that food?” I asked as she set down a second plate covered in desserts.

  Tiffany didn’t have an ounce of fat on her body, but as far as I knew, she never worked out.

  “Like you’re one to talk,” she said with a grin before taking a sip of her Pepsi. “You look great, by the way. I mean, you were always thin, but you look so much healthier now. Single life looks good on you.”

  I smiled. “Thanks. I guess the lack of vodka and cigarettes has helped.”

  Tiffany laughed as I stuffed the rest of my spring roll into my mouth.

  “Yeah, probably. I do still laugh though when I picture us rolling around in pickle juice on your kitchen floor.”

  I groaned as I recalled how awful I’d felt the next day. “Oh God, I got so sick the next morning.” I
took a sip from my water, trying to avoid the other memories. “So, what have you been up to? How are things going with Brian?”

  “Ugh. Don’t even say his name to me.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “He’s been such an asshole lately. He doesn’t want me going anywhere without him. He doesn’t even know I’m here now.”

  “Our secret,” I said, grinning as I remembered how we’d agreed to keep our friendship a secret from our husbands.

  “That’s right.” She stuck a fried shrimp into her mouth. We both ate in silence for a few seconds before she asked, “So, have you heard anything from Derek lately?”

  “He called me last night.”

  Her eyes lifted from her plate as her eyebrows rose in surprise. “Really? What did he say?”

  I sighed and leaned back in my seat. “He called me in the middle of the night, drunk off his ass, talking about how he still loved me and wanted me back.”

  “Are you fucking serious?” Tiffany shouted, earning us a few ugly glances from the other people eating their lunch. “What an asshole. I mean, why can’t he just let it go? You’ve been gone, what? Like, six months now? When can you file for a divorce?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her frustration. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one growing tired of Derek’s shit.

  “Yeah, it’s been six months. North Carolina law requires us to be separated for a year before we can get divorced.”

  “A year? Are you serious?”

  I nodded. “I just don’t think he believed I’d ever leave. Derek isn’t used to being rejected. He’s always gotten what he wanted. I mean, he’s charming and good-looking. And, I swear, that man can talk his way out of anything.”

  Tiffany shook her head, looking disgusted. “Men. Why do we even bother?” Her thoughts seemed to drift as she chewed on her food.

  “Are you okay?”

  Her eyes snapped up to meet mine, and she grinned, the contemplation in her expression fading. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry. I was just thinking about Brian.”

  “You can’t let him control you, Tiffany. You have to have your own life, too, you know? If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t have a marriage without trust and communication.”

  She nodded and waved her hand in front of her. “Enough about that. Let’s not let them ruin our lunch. Have you heard anything from UNCW yet?”

  “No, not yet. I should hear something soon though.”

  “Well, I hope you get approved,” she said, smiling at me, before taking another bite from her food.

  “Yeah, me, too.”

  Tiffany and I spent another hour eating and talking. I got the impression she was more upset about Brian than she had been letting on, but I also understood that, sometimes, you just wanted to forget about your problems instead of talk about them.

  “We should try to do this once a week. Meet up for lunch, I mean,” I said, opening my napkin to wipe my mouth.

  “That sounds great.” Tiffany glanced at me and smiled as she speared a piece of chicken with her fork.

  “What?”

  “I saw Brandon last week. He asked about you.”

  My chewing slowed, and I swallowed my bite, trying hard to hide the excitement coursing through me. “Oh, yeah?”

  Tiffany gave me a knowing smirk. “Yep. He was wondering where you’d been. I told him you left your husband, and you were busy getting back on your feet. You should have seen the way he smiled when he heard that.”

  I could feel heat creeping up my neck and onto my cheeks. “Oh, shut up,” I said, pushing rice around my plate with my fork.

  “Don’t play coy with me, bitch. Your cheeks are so red right now.” Tiffany pointed at my face, and we both laughed.

  “Whatever. That’s the last thing I need. I’ve had enough problems with ending my last relationship. I don’t need to start another one.”

  “Who said anything about a relationship?” she said, wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

  I rolled my eyes.

  “What? There’s nothing wrong with using a man for his dick, you know?”

  That earned us a few more ugly looks.

  Embarrassment washed over me. I felt like an adolescent talking about her latest crush.

  “What? Don’t be such a prude, Penelope. I mean, how long has it been?”

  I shook my head and covered my cheeks with my hands.

  “What are you not telling me?” she asked, her eyebrow rising in speculation.

  “I’ve never…I mean…” I sighed as Tiffany stared at me in confusion. “Derek is the only man I’ve been with,” I blurted, covering my eyes with my palms.

  When Tiffany didn’t respond, I peeled my hands from my face.

  Her eyes were wide in disbelief. “You’re joking, right?”

  I shook my head.

  “Oh my God. We’re calling Brandon right now.” She pulled her phone out of her purse.

  I swiped it away before she could touch the screen. “Not funny.”

  “I’m not joking! How have you not”—leaning forward, she lowered her voice before we could get kicked out of the restaurant—“boned anyone else? Variety is the spice of life, woman!”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Derek was my first, and then we got married.”

  Tiffany shook her head. “You seriously need to rectify this problem.”

  “I can’t. I can’t just call Brandon and say, Hey, I’m single now. Why don’t we have sex?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s embarrassing! Brandon is…experienced. He’ll know instantly that I’m a nervous wreck. I’ve humiliated myself enough in front of that man.”

  Tiffany’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

  “Do you remember that night I went to his apartment?”

  She nodded.

  “Well, I kind of almost had a threesome with him and that chick.”

  “What?” she yelled.

  Everyone in the restaurant paused to stare at us.

  I hid my face with my hands again, concealing my smile.

  “A threesome?” she half-whispered and half-shouted across the table. “How are you just telling me this now?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t know you well back then, and I was embarrassed because I’d left before anything even happened. I’m a total wuss, especially when it comes to Brandon. He’s just so…”

  “Hot?” she said, smirking, as she accepted her check from the waitress.

  They obviously wanted us out of there.

  “Intimidating.”

  Tiffany scoffed and waved me off with her hand as she pulled some cash out of her wallet. “He’s just a man. He’s horny and dumb, just like the rest of them.”

  I didn’t say anything as I opened my fortune cookie and broke it in half. Tossing a piece into my mouth, I considered Tiffany’s argument as I chewed. Maybe a one-night stand with Brandon was exactly what I needed to set myself free from my past with Derek.

  “Stop thinking so much,” she said, standing up, as she opened her own fortune.

  I stuck the small slip of paper from my cookie into my pocket as we made our way out of the restaurant. Tiffany walked me to my bike on the sidewalk, and I unlocked the chain from the lamppost.

  Leaning against it, she said, “Just think about it. A night of hot sex with that tattooed bad boy could be exactly what you need.”

  I laughed. “Why are you so adamant about this? I thought you had a crush on him.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I do, but I’m willing to share.”

  I shook my head and smiled as I pulled my purse strap over my shoulder. “How generous of you.”

  “I know, right?”

  Lifting her wrist, Tiffany looked at her watch and straightened herself. “Well, I’d better go. I have some errands to run before Brian gets home.”

  “Okay.”

  “See you next week?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

  Sh
e jogged toward her car and got in. She must have been in a rush to get somewhere.

  Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my fortune and bent my head to read what it said.

  WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER ONE OPENS.

  I rushed into Jackie’s Diner with five minutes to spare. I had the breakfast shift, and I’d overslept. I had been up late the night before, thinking about my conversation with Tiffany, and I still hadn’t come to any real conclusion. I just knew I was scared to put myself in a compromising position, especially with Brandon.

  Pulling my hair back onto the crown of my head, I quickly tied it up into a messy bun before wrapping my apron around my waist.

  “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show up!” Rick shouted from the kitchen. He was the cook, shift manager and a miserable old man.

  “Sorry. I was running a little late,” I muttered as I grabbed a pad and pen from the counter.

  “It’s okay, sweetie. Don’t let Rick get under your skin. You’re just in time. A table just came in.”

  I smiled at Nancy as she handed me a tray with two cups of ice water.

  She was a really nice lady, always so positive and helpful. She had been born and raised in North Carolina, and she’d worked at Jackie’s Diner for over ten years. All the customers loved her.

  “Thanks.”

  I blew a stray hair out of my eyes and turned around to find my table when my heart jumped into my throat. He wasn’t facing me, but it didn’t matter. I would recognize him anywhere.

  Shit.

  Taking a deep breath, I pushed a smile onto my face and walked toward his table. He was sitting across from a little girl, and they were laughing about something. When I stopped beside them, their laughter died, and his crystal-blue eyes met mine.

  I placed the cups and two straws down on the table. “Good morning.”

  Brandon grinned as a look of recognition washed over his features. His eyes never left my face as I took a step back and held the empty tray to my chest.