No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  ‘True, but have you thought about how you’re going to react if she turns you down?’

  Eva threw out her hands. ‘What am I supposed to say to that? If she does, then we find someone else. I don’t understand why you’re being like this. I thought you’d welcome the idea.’

  He took a sip of wine. ‘What does Patty think?’

  Eva’s eyes widened in angry surprise. ‘I don’t know, I haven’t asked her, but I imagine she’ll be all for it. Anyway, what’s it got to do with her? I can take decisions without her, you know.’

  His eyes immediately softened. ‘I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t,’ he said, reaching for her hand. ‘It’s just that she’s pretty wise and has an opinion on most things.’ Then, shaking his head as though still not entirely sure what he was thinking, he said, ‘I don’t want you to be hurt.’

  Bringing her other hand to close it around his, she said, ‘I think I can handle Jasmine by now.’

  His smile was weak. ‘Just give it some more thought before you commit, is all I ask. And maybe talk it over with your sister.’

  Minutes after he’d disappeared into his study Eva picked up the phone to call Patty, not to take his advice, but to discuss the strangeness of his response. Then remembering Patty was nursemaiding Coral this evening, she hung up before the connection was made. Damn Coral! Why couldn’t the flaming woman find someone else to lean on? Better still, why didn’t she stop cheating on her husband and get on with her life so that Patty could get on with hers?

  ‘If she could, she would,’ Patty said when they finally spoke just after ten, ‘but I’m afraid it’s not easy when you’re as besotted as she is.’

  ‘It’s Will I feel sorry for,’ Eva retorted, referring to Coral’s husband.

  ‘As well you might, but believe me, it’s no fun feeling helpless and consumed and unable to think about anything else. You remember what it was like with you and Nick. You were so crazy in love with him …’

  ‘That was a long time ago,’ Eva interrupted sharply. ‘And I don’t understand why you’d bring that up now. I’m married to Don, in case you’d forgotten.’

  ‘Of course I haven’t, I’m just saying that Nick meant everything to you and I don’t think you ever spared a thought for his wife, did you?’

  Stung by the truth of that, Eva’s eyes went down. She really wasn’t proud of the fact that she’d had an affair with a married man, and even got pregnant by him without ever really considering anyone but herself. True, her life had fallen apart after so she’d paid for her selfishness, and now she could only hope that Nick’s wife had never found out and that he’d ended up holding his marriage together. ‘Is Coral thinking about the wife she’s hurting?’ she asked

  ‘Actually, yes, she is, all the time. She hates herself for what she’s doing, she just can’t seem to make herself stop.’

  ‘And what about him? You said earlier that she thought he was going to break it off.’

  ‘He hasn’t yet, but she’s still afraid that he might. It might be best all round if he did.’

  ‘I’m sure it would.’

  ‘Yes, well you would think that.’

  Eva blinked, as though she’d been slapped.

  ‘I just wonder where you get off moralising,’ Patty ran on, ‘when you’re as guilty as anyone of cheating …’

  ‘For God’s sake, why are you having a go at me? I’m not the one having an affair, and the one I did have was sixteen years ago.’

  There was a long silence before, sighing heavily, Patty said, ‘I’m sorry, it’s been a difficult day, and Jake’s gone now, so the house is empty … No excuse, I know, but I’m obviously feeling more uptight than I realised. Maybe we should change the subject. You said you rang about Jasmine. Jake’s already told me about the job. I think it’s a good idea, but why don’t we discuss it when you get back from London? Do you know when that’s going to be?’

  ‘Not yet. I’ll call while I’m there to let you know.’

  ‘Eva?’ Patty said, before she could ring off.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m sorry I brought up about Nick.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Eva assured her, still thrown by the bewildering exchange. ‘Like I said, it was a long time ago.’

  Chapter Five

  Patty was sitting behind the wheel of her car, staring out across the stony sand of Hive Beach to the churning grey mass of the sea. The sky seemed angry and desolate, with mountainous purple clouds gathering ominously over the wide sweep of bay, and distant rays of sunlight fanning out like hope over a far horizon. There weren’t many people around, just a handful of hardy hikers working their way down from the cliffs that ran between Burton Bradstock and West Bay. It was a path she knew well, having walked it many times over the years. The large cafe beside the car park was another place she knew well; it was where she occasionally met Eva for breakfast, or held business meetings when it felt more politic to be out of the office. Her home – the small barn that she and Reece had lovingly renovated during the early years of their marriage – was about two miles inland from here, snug in its half-acre of land with a rambling wood behind it and a small lake close by. Livvy and Jake had grown up there, attended primary school in the local village, learned to sail in nearby Weymouth, built sandcastles on most of the beaches, starred in pantomimes over in Bridport, led groups of trick or treaters around the caravan park, joined in with Christmas carols at church each year.

  Patty was surrounded by friends and family and so much familiarity that, like Eva, she’d come to feel as though she’d been born here. It was virtually impossible for her to go anywhere without running into someone she knew, and her social calendar was as hectic as the constant demands of her professional day. Even the break-up of her marriage hadn’t left her isolated or forgotten, because her friends had rallied with the same unswerving support as they had when cancer had struck sixteen years ago. How thankful she’d been for them then, particularly when Reece decided to bury himself in denial. He was so used to her being strong and capable, the one who took charge in a crisis knowing exactly what to do, that discovering she was as human and vulnerable as anyone else had been too much for him. He’d never discussed it, not even when the vomiting began and her hair fell out. The only time she realised he cared was when she found him crying in the woods behind the house, and then he’d turned to her for comfort as though she had it in her power to make it all go away. She’d often wondered since if it was during this time that the end had begun for them, because he hadn’t only allowed her to struggle on alone with her treatment, he’d barely done anything to help when it came time to start rehabilitating her sister.

  And where had her father been throughout it all? The answer was, in an even greater state of fear and denial than Reece, since he’d been facing the unthinkable horror of having both his daughters taken from him at once. What on earth would they have done without Don and his quiet and constant support? Would they ever have got through it?

  Even now, to think of how close they’d come to losing Eva could start a wave of panic coasting across her heart. What her sister had suffered, the terror, the devastation of her body, her life, her dreams, had been so brutal and so wholly undeserved that for a long time Patty herself had been plagued with nightmares. She kept waking up in a cold, trembling sweat, tormented by images of the knife plunging into Eva’s beautiful face, slashing her tender skin, causing near-fatal damage to her perfect lungs and heart. She used to wish it had happened to her – if it had to happen at all, but why had it? What kind of god or fate would bring such a cruel and needless end to a young girl’s blameless career? Why even give it to her in the first place if the intention was to snatch it away with such malice? How proud Patty had been of her sister’s success – and how shamefully she had ended up letting her down. Had it not been for the cancer, Patty knew she’d never have allowed Eva to do what she had to punish Nick for abandoning her, but having no idea whether her illness was going to prove terminal or
not, or how psychologically damaged Eva might turn out to be after the attack, she simply hadn’t had a proper grasp on the decision they were taking.

  And now it was too late. There was no going back, not for Eva, not for any of them. Yet, since reading the article last Saturday, she’d felt strangely as though the past was calling out to them, urging them to look again at the mistakes they’d made and perhaps not give up hope that something might be done to repair them. On the face of it there was no chance of that, and never had been, and though she longed to be wrong about that, she couldn’t help wondering if she was only trying to persuade herself that an answer could be found in order to absolve her guilt over everything else.

  Eva would have a child now if she, Patty, hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer.

  But that wasn’t the end of it, it was only the beginning.

  So many secrets, lies and burdens of shame.

  As a car pulled up next to her own Patty kept her eyes trained on the sea, and tried to drown her thoughts in the ceaseless motion of the waves. It was no good, because the truth was like the tide: no matter how far it might ebb, it would always make a return.

  She still didn’t look round when her passenger door opened and Don slipped in beside her, bringing a cold, damp waft of salty air.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he asked.

  She nodded, even though she wasn’t. ‘Did she get the train on time?’

  ‘Yes, she did.’

  They continued to sit side by side, silently watching the raindrops that had started to roll down the windscreen. There was so much to say, too much, yet sometimes, like now, it was probably best not to speak at all.

  The nervousness Eva experienced during the build-up to seeing, or even speaking, to Shelley Rolfe was always difficult to handle. Today, with a ruling on her application due at any time, it was reaching a whole new level. She’d received a call from Shelley’s secretary while she was on the train to London, letting her know that Shelley could see her briefly at noon. And now, having somehow got through her meeting with the Italian agent, she was here, being shown into Shelley’s office which was on Gray’s Inn Road, opposite a pub that she, Eva, had once gone to with Nick.

  ‘I can’t thank you enough for seeing me,’ she said as Shelley stood up to greet her. ‘I know how busy you are, and that I’m probably being a pain with my impatience …’

  ‘You’ve had a long wait,’ Shelley interrupted with a smile. She was a large, motherly-looking woman in her late forties, with the arresting dark eyes of her Indian father and an air of compassion that Eva had always found reassuring. ‘Sit down,’ she said. ‘Molly will bring us some coffee.’

  Taking the chair she was indicating, Eva perched on the edge of it and opened her bag. ‘I’ve brought a card,’ she said. Shelley was always busy so she didn’t want to waste her time. ‘He’s going to be sixteen next month.’

  Shelley waited for her to look up, and when their eyes met Eva felt her heart stand still.

  ‘I have some news,’ Shelley told her. ‘It came through this morning.’

  Eva couldn’t breathe. Please God, please, please, please let it be good.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Shelley said gently, ‘it hasn’t gone in your favour.’

  Eva continued to look at her. She knew if she tried to speak, or move, she’d fall apart.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Shelley whispered.

  ‘Nothing – nothing at all?’ Eva finally managed. ‘Not even his name?’

  Shelley shook her head.

  ‘Or a photograph?’

  Again Shelley shook her head. ‘I’ve made a copy of the ruling,’ she said. ‘You’re welcome to read it here in case there’s anything you’d like to ask.’

  Eva’s eyes were still fixed on Shelley’s, wide with shock and disbelief. How could the judge have been so unfeeling? Was he or a she a parent? Didn’t they understand? She looked down at the envelope in her hand and felt as though it belonged to another world.

  Shelley came round the desk and perched on the edge of it.

  ‘I didn’t seal it,’ Eva told her, still looking at the card. ‘I know you’re not supposed to.’

  After turning to put the envelope on her blotter, Shelley said, ‘For what it’s worth, I think the judge could have been more lenient.’

  Caught in a sudden wave of desperation, Eva said, ‘Do you know how he is? Is there anything at all you can tell me?’

  Shelley’s soothing eyes filled with more regret. ‘I don’t know any more than you do,’ she reminded her.

  Eva looked away, not sure if she believed her, but even if she didn’t what difference would it make? The judge had ruled against her.

  ‘How are things at home?’ Shelley asked, as though trying to steer her thoughts to a happier place.

  Eva said, ‘Fine. Good. Don’s a little stressed over a business deal and things are quite slow at the shop, but hopefully it’ll turn around again soon.’

  ‘Have you told Don – or Patty – about the application yet?’

  Eva swallowed drily. ‘No. They’d only worry.’

  Shelley nodded, and reaching behind her she picked up a slim buff file.

  Realising it must contain the ruling, Eva felt herself shrinking inside.

  ‘It’s not particularly easy reading,’ Shelley warned, ‘in either sense of the meaning.’

  Taking it, Eva kept her eyes down, not quite knowing what to do next.

  ‘I’ve highlighted the most relevant parts,’ Shelley told her. ‘Would you like me to leave you alone while you read it?’

  Eva shook her head, then nodded. ‘OK, thank you,’ she said.

  The document was nine pages long, the section marked by Shelley was towards the end. ‘… therefore, I have found no reason to grant the application. On the contrary I find myself to be in accord with the social workers’ and adoptive parents’ concerns that if the birth mother were to be given the information she has requested, or granted access to photographs, then she will be likely to use all means of new media at her disposal to try and trace him.

  The natural mother, as a matter of law, is no longer the parent and should therefore not consider herself to be so. An adopted person is to be treated in law as not being the child of any person other than the adopters. The arrangements for contact should not be imposed upon the adoptive parents but should be left to their good sense to do what they believe to be in the best interests of their son. (Their son!) Concern has been expressed by the social workers about the unpredictable behaviour of the natural mother …’

  Eva stopped reading. It was too hard, too cruel of the social worker to pay her back like this for the hysterical outburst when she’d accused the woman of poisoning the adoptive parents against her.

  Or maybe she wasn’t fit to be a mother. Maybe her son was with the right people and she shouldn’t be trying to interfere in his life like this.

  Getting to her feet as Shelley came back into the room, she said, ‘Tell me the truth, do you think I have everything out of perspective? Do I want him as much as I do because I’m confusing him with myself and how desperately I used to hope that my mother would come back, even though I knew she was dead? I mean, I’m not dead, so I could be there for him. It is possible. Except he probably doesn’t even know I exist, so he wouldn’t be creating fantasies the way I did.’

  Shelley said, ‘We don’t know what his adoptive parents have told him, and we won’t until such time as he’s able to tell us himself.’

  Eva’s eyes went down as her throat tightened with too much emotion. ‘If that time ever comes,’ she managed to whisper. She was still holding the file and wasn’t sure that she wanted to take it with her. In the end, she put it on Shelley’s desk and said, ‘I know it’s not the outcome I was hoping for, but thank you for trying.’

  Looking crushed herself, Shelley said, ‘Your name is on the adoption contact register, remember, and two years isn’t so long to wait now.’

  ‘No, it isn’t,’ Eva agreed, though she kn
ew very well that she could be waiting for the rest of her life and still know nothing about her son.

  ‘Sorry, I can’t talk now,’ Patty was saying into her mobile. ‘I’ll call you back in about an hour. Are you at the shop?’

  ‘Of course,’ Livvy replied. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Just going into one of the Seatown cottages. The new cleaners are due at three and it’s already five to. Is everything OK? Do you need some help?’

  ‘No, I’m cool. I was just calling for a chat. Any chance we can get together later?’

  Using her foot to kick the car door shut, Patty said, ‘I’m not sure. Depends how things go here. Call me if you need to,’ and letting her mobile slide on to the top of one of the boxes she was carrying, she struggled along the path to the front door.

  After letting herself into the picture-book dwelling with its rose-covered porch and quaintly crooked rooms, she dropped the boxes in the kitchen and went on through a narrow archway into the sitting room. Finding the door to the wood-burner open reminded her that the last tenant had warned her there might be a bird’s nest in the chimney, so she quickly put in a call to the sweep telling him he must please come before the next family arrived at the end of the week.

  This was probably the most popular of the rental cottages she managed, thanks to its panoramic sea views and isolated setting. She’d always had a special fondness for it herself, since it was where she and Reece had stayed during their first trip to Dorset, though that once-romantic fact hardly endeared it to her now. What continued to appeal was the way it seemed so gently alive with its own character. Though she knew much of its history, she occasionally found herself wondering about the many stories the cottage could tell of the occupants it had seen come and go. How much love and anger it must have witnessed during its two hundred years; what passion, hope, grief, anxiety. The names of most who’d spent time here in the past twenty years were to be found in the visitors’ book that was kept on the hall table, but only the cottage itself knew what had really transpired within its walls.