No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  Leaning in through the window, he pressed his mouth tenderly to hers. ‘Try not to let her hurt you,’ he said softly.

  Knowing it was inevitable, and thinking that it would be no more than she deserved, Patty started the engine and put the car into reverse.

  ‘Hang on,’ he said, before she could pull away, ‘I’m going to follow in your car and wait in the layby across the road.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ll just feel better if I’m close by.’

  Loving him for his concern, while aching for her sister, Patty watched him go to lock up the house then turned the Mercedes round as he got into her Audi.

  As she drove out of the courtyard to head down the stony lane towards the village, she was once again starting to question the wisdom of turning up on Eva like this.

  ‘To be frank,’ Coral had said when Patty had spoken to her earlier, ‘I think you’re probably the last person she wants to see right now, but it’s your decision. Just try to remember she’s your sister, not your daughter, which is how you sometimes come across, and I get the impression she really won’t appreciate that with the way things are.’

  Patty knew it was good advice, since it was true, she did sometimes forget that Eva was capable of standing on her own two feet. However, Patty was in no doubt of how hard Eva would be finding it to cope right now, since no one knew better than Patty how damaging her younger sister’s past tragedies had been, and how likely they were to start causing chaos for her now. Losing their mother when she was so young had been a terrible blow for her, and left her with a sense of abandonment that Patty wasn’t sure she’d ever really overcome. Even into her teens she’d still been trying to persuade herself that her mother wasn’t actually dead as a way of allowing herself to believe that one day she would come back. Then had come the trauma of losing Nick, her first big love, followed by the tragic and terrifying way her career and looks had been taken from her. Then there was the baby, of course – oh God, the baby. That dear, precious little soul whose loss continued to break Eva’s heart and haunt them all. Now she was faced with the ordeal of losing Don too – and not to just anyone, but to the sister who’d always been at the centre of her world. It was too much for her to cope with alone, and Patty needed desperately to let her know that she could still be there for her if she’d allow it, especially through the long dark nights of the soul that Patty feared might already have begun.

  It was a little after seven thirty by the time she used the remote in Don’s car to open the gates. She wasn’t entirely certain that Eva was at home, or whether Livvy was with her, but since Livvy generally went to a Pilates class on Wednesdays, Patty had gambled on now being the right time.

  Far more nervous than she wanted to admit, she brought the Mercedes to a stop alongside Eva’s Smart car while noting with relief that there was no sign of Livvy’s jeep. She still had no way of knowing if Eva had seen her coming in, but there was a chance she hadn’t, since the outside door to the conservatory wasn’t deadlocked when she tried it, and on going through to the inner door she found her key opened that one too. There was no sign of Eva in the kitchen, or the odd couple, but the lights were on so someone was around somewhere. Then she heard a door opening and closing nearby, and a moment later Eva appeared from the direction of the odd couple’s den.

  Eva’s eyes rounded with shock and fury. ‘What the hell …!’ she exclaimed, her tone making it clear that she’d expected to see Don. ‘How dare you sneak your way into my house? Get out! Get out now!’

  ‘Eva, please listen to me …’

  ‘Get out!’ Eva raged, starting towards her.

  ‘I need to talk to you …’

  ‘Didn’t you hear me?’ Eva yelled. ‘I’m not interested in anything you have to say. You’re nothing to me now. All your lies and deceit, pretending to be loyal and that you put everyone first … It’s all just bullshit. A front you’ve been putting on while you’ve been sleeping with my husband.’

  Patty blanched. ‘It wasn’t …’

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come here,’ Eva raged on. ‘Have you got no shame? What kind of woman are you? How low can you sink? No, don’t answer,’ she snarled when Patty tried to interrupt, ‘I want your keys, and your remote control, then get the hell out of my house and never come back.’

  Patty’s heart was thudding painfully as she said, ‘Eva, this isn’t the way to deal with what’s happening … What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m showing you the door,’ Eva told her, shoving her towards it. ‘It’s right behind you …’

  ‘For heaven’s sake! Can’t we try to be reasonable?’

  ‘There’s nothing reasonable about breaking up my marriage,’ Eva seethed in her face, ‘or about ruining my life. I love him, Patty and you know it, so why the hell did you do it?’

  ‘I tried not to,’ Patty cried. ‘I swear, I did everything I could to make myself stop …’

  ‘Then you didn’t do enough. Now, get away from me and don’t bother trying to trick your way in again because you’ll find all the locks have been changed.’

  As she stumbled back into the conservatory, Patty tried to grab Eva’s hands, but she wasn’t fast enough. The slap to her face sent her reeling, and a moment later the door slammed so hard it was a miracle the glass didn’t break. She watched Eva turning the key, saw the tears pouring down her cheeks and knew, even before Eva sank to the floor, that everything was overwhelming her in a way that she, Patty, needed to do something about.

  ‘Eva, let me in,’ Patty cried, banging on the door. ‘Please, don’t stay here on your own like this. You have to let me in.’

  Eva didn’t answer, she simply staggered back to her feet and went to the panel of buttons below the TV. A moment later every security shutter in the place started to descend.

  Only just managing to make it through the outer conservatory door, Patty gave a sob of frustration and despair as she realised that all she’d achieved by coming here was what she’d most feared – she’d made things even worse than they already were.

  ‘I’m terrified she might try to harm herself,’ she said to Don when she went across to the layby to join him.

  His eyes were fixed on the gates; the grimness of his expression showing that he shared the fear. ‘I should go over there,’ he said.

  ‘Can you get the shutters open?’

  ‘No, but I can try talking to her on the entryphone.’

  ‘If you go now she’ll know you’ve been out here all along. Why don’t you try your mobile instead?’

  Taking it from his pocket, he pressed in the number of the house. Eva answered on the third ring.

  ‘That was a disgusting stunt you just pulled,’ she told him before he could speak. ‘Letting Patty drive your car so I’d think it was you.’

  ‘It was the only way we could think of …’

  ‘I told you, I don’t want to see her. As far as I’m concerned, she’s dead.’

  ‘Eva, please …’

  ‘That’s all I have to say,’ and she slammed the phone down.

  Turning as Patty tugged his arm, he looked to where she was pointing and saw Livvy’s car pulling in through the gates. Presumably she hadn’t seen them or she’d surely have stopped.

  Clicking off at his end, Don continued to watch Livvy’s tail lights until they disappeared around a curve in the drive. ‘At least she won’t be on her own now,’ he said bleakly.

  Relieved too, though worried for Livvy, Patty said, ‘Actually, there’s something we were both forgetting.’

  Turning to look at her, his eyes searched her face as he said, ‘Maybe I can guess what you’re going to say. She hasn’t given up hope of finding her son, and if anything will keep her going we know that will.’

  Patty nodded and let her head fall back as she closed her eyes. ‘We just have to pray that’s the only hope she’s holding on to,’ she murmured, ‘because I can’t think of a worse time for her to start trying to convinc
e herself that our mother’s still alive.’

  Surprised, and doubtful, Don said, ‘Do you really think she would?’

  ‘I don’t know. She’s never wanted to believe in her death, and no one’s ever told her how Mummy died. That really isn’t something she needs to start dealing with now.’

  After waiting for the shutters to open, Livvy dropped her mobile back in her bag and went through the conservatory into the kitchen, surprised not to see Rosie and Elvis and worried about why the house had been so securely locked up this early in the evening. ‘Is everything all right?’ she said to Eva, whose back was turned as she stared up at the CCTV. ‘Why were the shutters down?’

  ‘I – uh, I just got a bit anxious,’ Eva answered, keeping her eyes on the screen. ‘I heard a noise outside and I didn’t know what it was.’

  ‘What kind of noise?’

  ‘Oh, it was probably just a squirrel or a fox, nothing to worry about, I’m sure.’

  Dropping her things on the bar, Livvy went to give her a hug. ‘I can tell you’ve been crying,’ she said against Eva’s hair, ‘so are you sure that’s all it was?’

  With a sigh, Eva drew a crumpled tissue from her sleeve and blew her nose. ‘Actually, your mother came,’ she confessed. ‘She used Don’s car so I didn’t know it was her until she was already in.’

  ‘Oh God, why did she do that?’ Livvy cried angrily. ‘What happened? She’s upset you, obviously … Come and sit down,’ and drawing her to a chair she sat down with her.

  ‘I completely lost it,’ Eva sighed, ‘but they shouldn’t have tricked me like that.’

  ‘Dead right they shouldn’t.’

  ‘And what does she think she’s going to gain from forcing me to talk?’

  Livvy shook her head in bewilderment.

  ‘I can’t forgive her, if that’s what she’s after, and I sure as hell don’t want to listen to the sordid details of how it all came about. All I want is my husband back and for everything to be the way it was before.’ As though registering her own words, she turned to stare dismally out at the darkness. ‘That can’t ever happen now, can it?’ she said quietly.

  Wishing with all her heart that she could say it would, Livvy reached for her hands and squeezed them hard. ‘I’ll tell her to leave you alone,’ she said decisively.

  Taking a breath, Eva shook her head. ‘I don’t want there to be a problem between you two because of me,’ she said. ‘She’s your mother. She loves you and she hasn’t done anything to hurt you.’

  ‘Wrong. Doing what she has to you has hurt me a lot. I really mean that, Eva. I hate seeing you like this and knowing she’s the cause. It makes me ashamed of her. It’s like she’s let everyone down, including herself. I spoke to Dad earlier and he’s disgusted with her too – not that he’s got much to shout about, but at least he didn’t have an affair with you, or go off with one of his other sisters-in-law. Apparently he’s been on Mum’s case for ages to pack it in, but she wouldn’t listen.’

  Eva swallowed hard as her eyes went down.

  ‘Oh God, I’m saying all the wrong things, aren’t I?’ Livvy groaned. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘No, no,’ Eva assured her. ‘It’s me who should be sorry. I meant to have some dinner waiting when you got back. I thought Dave was coming with you?’

  ‘He should be here soon. Why don’t I fix something for you?’

  ‘No, I’m fine. I’ve already eaten. There’s some fresh salmon in the fridge and plenty of salad. I expect Dave will want some potatoes or rice.’

  Keeping hold of her hands, Livvy said, ‘What did you eat?’

  Eva’s smile was faint as she looked at her. ‘I hope you’re not about to start bossing me around,’ she tried to quip.

  ‘You haven’t had anything, have you?’

  Sighing, Eva said, ‘I’m just not hungry.’

  ‘Well, maybe you’ll change your mind once it’s in front of you,’ and going to the fridge Livvy started to take things out.

  ‘I’ll go and freshen up before Dave gets here,’ Eva said, standing up. ‘There’s some beer in the cooler if he’d prefer that to wine.’ At the door she turned back. ‘Did I mention earlier that I’m going to see Elaine tomorrow?’

  Livvy smiled. ‘Yes, you did, and Coral’s coming in for a couple of hours to cover.’

  Eva nodded, and after meeting Livvy’s eyes for a moment she continued on her way, leaving Livvy feeling secretly relieved that she wasn’t going to be on her own in the shop the next day. It wasn’t that she couldn’t cope, because most of the time she could, but when she’d left the gym just now she’d spotted the girls Jasmine had thrown out of the shop hanging around the bus stop. There had been some boys with them this time, and the way they’d watched her go by had been horribly unnerving. Luckily nothing had been said, nor had anyone tried to block her way, nevertheless the relief she’d felt when she reached her car in safety had been almost overwhelming.

  She wouldn’t mention anything to Eva about it, after all nothing had actually happened, so there was no big deal. Besides which, Eva already had enough problems on her plate without having to worry about a bunch of idiots who might, or might not be trying to make mischief at the shop.

  Thinking of which, she needed to let her mother know that she was only making things worse than they already were by forcing her way in here the way she had.

  *

  Patty was half sitting, half lying in Don’s arms, snug in front of the fire with the lights low and Nat King Cole crooning ‘Unforgettable’ in the background, when her mobile bleeped with a text. Handing her wine glass to Don she reached over to pick up the phone from a side table and her heart tightened painfully when she saw who the text was from. As she read it she felt a hundred times worse.

  Please don’t keep trying to talk to Eva, she doesn’t need it.

  Passing the phone to Don, she sat forward to bury her face in her hands.

  After reading the text, he shut the screen down and ran a hand over her back.

  For the past hour, since returning home, they’d been talking about whether they should carry on living together, indeed even seeing one another, considering how difficult it was proving for everyone, including them. Though they hadn’t come to a decision, the very thought of parting seemed to be making them hold on even tighter, as it always had, and Don’s last words before Patty’s phone had interrupted were, ‘It hasn’t even been a week yet, so let’s at least give it more time.’

  Though Patty had always known the early days were going to be the hardest, after her encounter with Eva this evening she was no longer sure what to do for the best. Certainly she couldn’t allow Eva to go on the way she was with only Livvy – as kind and loyal as Livvy was – to support her. Apart from anything else it was too much for Livvy, especially when she had so little experience of life herself.

  Taking the phone back from Don she pressed in a number, and turned to look at him as he asked, ‘Who are you calling?’

  She waited a moment, then making the connection she said, ‘Elaine, it’s me, Patty.’

  ‘Oh, what a nice surprise,’ Elaine said warmly. ‘How are you, dear?’

  ‘I’m – uh, yes fine. Are you still in Cornwall?’

  ‘No, I got back this afternoon. I was just unpacking.’

  Even though the lightness in Elaine’s voice made it clear that she didn’t know what had happened, Patty still said, ‘Have you … Have you spoken to Eva recently?’

  There was a moment before Elaine replied, warily, ‘Only briefly, earlier. Is everything all right? I got the impression something might be … Well, you tell me.’

  Giving the only answer she could for the moment, Patty said, ‘It’s a long story. I’ve had too much wine to get in the car now, but maybe I could come over tomorrow.’

  ‘Actually, Eva’s coming at eleven. Have you two had a falling out?’

  Patty’s insides wrenched with guilt as she said, ‘It goes deeper than that, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Then pe
rhaps, dear, you’d better tell me now what it is.’

  Patty took a breath as she looked at Don.

  ‘Whatever it is,’ Elaine said kindly, ‘I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t sort out. So come along now, I’m listening.’

  In spite of it being one of the feistiest days of autumn so far, with driving rain and wind lashing the countryside, Eva was still finding something calming about the grounds of the rambling old house and spiritual retreat where Elaine was the resident minister. Everything had been designed to maximise the benefits of the five elements, creating a gentle harmony between each of the gardens and the various temples and teahouses which in themselves exuded yet more tranquillity. Undoubtedly because of the weather, there was no sign of any residents or coaches, who were often to be seen sitting cross-legged in the meditation garden with its softly running waterfalls and willowy grasses, or in the sensory garden absorbing the natural stimulation of lavender, sunflowers, bamboo and nasturtiums. The most beautiful and uplifting space, to Eva’s mind, was the sacred garden which was where, in good weather, Elaine conducted her ceremonies and spiritual communications. With its seven-circuit labyrinth, exquisite koi ponds and orchids, exotic succulents and shrines it would always hold a special place in Eva’s heart, because it was where, just over ten years ago, Elaine had blessed her marriage to Don.

  Unable to allow herself to think about that now, she drove on past a sign directing visitors to the residents’ quarters and yoga hall, then another announcing that today’s t’ai chi was being held in the glasshouse. By the time she pulled her car to a stop outside the welcoming arch of a double-front door, Elaine was already waiting on the front steps. She was plump and rosy-cheeked, with wispy, silvering hair, liquid brown eyes and a disarming smile that occasionally broke into a surprisingly raucous laugh. Indeed, for someone of her dignified calling she was given to some rather risqué humour, and when daring exploits managed to find their way on to the agenda, she was often first to sign up. However, today was not one for hang-gliding or parachuting or chasing the hunt, it was one she’d generously set aside for her late husband’s younger daughter, and seeing the concern in her eyes Eva felt a sudden horrible urge to run. She didn’t want to go through with this, she didn’t want to tell Elaine what had happened, because as soon as she did it would make it real in a way that she just couldn’t bear.