No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  ‘Come in, come in, my dear,’ Elaine said, pulling Eva into a fulsome embrace. ‘I’ve made some fresh mint tea, which I know is your favourite, and please don’t groan, but I actually have some angel cake.’

  Having to smile, Eva followed her into the grand old entrance hall which doubled as a reception for the paying guests, though no one was around at the moment, apart from a cleaner who was dusting the desk. Helping herself to a rune from the basket by the door as she passed, Eva glanced at it then placed it into Elaine’s open hand.

  After casting a quick glance at the symbol, Elaine stood aside for Eva to lead the way along a dark, narrow hall to Elaine’s private quarters.

  ‘You’ve chosen Kauno,’ Elaine told her, ‘which some might say denotes mental anguish.’

  Feeling her heart churn, Eva said, ‘And what would you say?’

  ‘Me? I’d be more inclined to go for the more positive aspect, which suggests that you are coming into a new understanding of life and its meaning.’

  Eva almost laughed. ‘Well, I guess that’s one way of putting what’s going on in my world,’ she remarked, and pushing open the door to Elaine’s cosy, cluttered sitting room she felt the warmth of the fire embracing her. ‘You’ve changed it around in here,’ she commented admiringly.

  ‘Oh, I’ve just got rid of a few things, that’s all,’ Elaine responded, with a dismissive wave of a hand. Eva knew that just about everything in the place, from the amulets and crystals to the candlesticks, dream-catchers, exotically patterned rugs and hand-painted incense burners had some kind of history or meaning, all of which Elaine could recite on asking. She often enjoyed listening to her stepmother’s stories, but it wasn’t why she was here today. ‘I was hoarding far too much,’ Elaine went on, going over to the large stone fireplace where a fancy-handled teapot was keeping warm on a burner, ‘which is no good for the head, you know. You can hang your coat on the stand there, next to the radiator, so it’ll be nice and snug for when you go out again.’

  After doing as she was told, Eva went to sink into one of the deep purple sofas that dominated the room and as the heat from the fire reached her again, or maybe it was the scent of a specially chosen incense, she felt her tension starting to unravel for the first time since the dreadful scene with Patty last night. She wasn’t entirely sure now whether or not she regretted exploding the way she had, except there was nothing in her at all, not a single, rogue shred of curiosity, that wanted to hear what Patty had to say.

  ‘Now, I know you don’t want sugar,’ Elaine was mumbling as she filled a Moroccan tea glass with a vivid green brew, ‘but I do hope you’ll have some of this delicious cake that I made myself.’

  Eva looked askance at the cake, all plump and airy and set out on a bone-china serving plate complete with silver slice and lace doily. Then, eyeing Elaine suspiciously, she said, ‘Did your nose just grow an inch?’

  Elaine gasped in surprise. ‘Oh my goodness, did it?’ she cried, giving it a prod. ‘You know, I do believe you’re right.’ Her eyes were starting to twinkle. ‘I suppose I must have got it at the farm shop, which means it’ll be one of Mrs Egerton’s.’

  Used to the way her stepmother often treated her like a child, Eva accepted an enormous slice of her least favourite cake, and took a bite before setting it down next to her tea glass.

  ‘So,’ Elaine said, holding her cup and saucer in both hands as she turned her full attention to Eva. Then in the direct, but gentle way she had of coming to the point, she said, ‘I believe rather a lot’s happened since I went off to Cornwall.’

  Feeling her heart turn over, and an absurd urge to ask her to make it right again, Eva said, ‘I guess that means you’ve spoken to Patty?’

  There was only sadness in Elaine’s eyes, and more compassion than Eva could bring herself to see. ‘She called me last night,’ Elaine told her. ‘I have to admit, I’m still feeling horribly shocked, but my feelings are hardly relevant, are they? It’s the effect it’s having on you that counts.’

  Eva started to speak, but found she couldn’t.

  ‘I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to bring you and Patty back together,’ Elaine continued.

  ‘It’s not Patty I want,’ Eva protested. ‘It’s my husband.’

  Realising her mistake, Elaine blinked as she said, ‘Yes, of course, but you two have always been so close … All right, all right, we’ll leave that for the moment,’ she added when Eva started to protest again.

  Sorry she was being so uptight when Elaine was only trying to be kind, Eva said, ‘Actually, I didn’t come here to talk about that. I mean, I was going to tell you, obviously, but I don’t think anything we say here today is going to change it, do you?’

  As Elaine only looked at her, Eva felt a new panic flare in her heart. Why didn’t Elaine contradict her, give her something to hold on to instead of just sitting there looking helpless and sad?

  Eva took a breath. Though she wanted to rant and rave and swear all kinds of revenge on her sister and husband, she wasn’t going to allow herself to upset Elaine that way. Instead she was going to force them out of her mind, eject them, banish them straight to hell and focus only on what really mattered. Her heart was starting to thud erratically. She knew what she wanted to say, but it was hard to make the words come. Even if she could, she was already asking herself what was the point, when Elaine had no more power to help her find her son than anyone else had. There was nothing anyone could do, and since it would only distress Elaine further to be asked, which wouldn’t be fair, in the end she said nothing.

  ‘Eva?’ Elaine prompted gently. ‘If you didn’t come here to talk about that, then what …’

  ‘I was wondering,’ Eva broke in, in a rush, ‘I mean, I realise you never knew her, but it would be … Can I ask you to tell me what you know about my mother? Patty always finds it difficult to talk about her, but I was thinking, maybe Daddy told you things …’

  As Elaine’s surprise disappeared into a deep crimson glow, she reached for a copy of The Kindred Spirit and used it to fan herself. ‘I’m sorry, it’s my age,’ she explained.

  Familiar with the frequency of Elaine’s hot flushes, Eva waited for the moment to pass, feeling anxious and foolish and as though something inside her was slipping slowly away.

  In the end, after putting the magazine down again, Elaine said, ‘Before I answer that, I can’t help wondering why you’re asking now.’

  Being so immersed in a turmoil of loss and grief, it was a moment before Eva realised that Elaine could be stalling. Her heart tightened as she looked at her stepmother, and tightened again as she sensed a discomfort, or was it caution, in Elaine that she hadn’t expected at all. ‘I guess,’ she began tentatively, ‘because I’ve been thinking about her a lot since this happened. I keep wishing she was still here, or that I’d known her better.’

  Elaine gave a smile of understanding.

  ‘I expect you know,’ Eva continued, looking down at her hands, ‘that for a long time I wouldn’t allow myself to believe she was dead.’

  ‘Yes, I did know that,’ Elaine confessed, ‘but you do now?’

  Eva tried to nod. Then her eyes were stinging painfully as they came back to Elaine’s. ‘I know it’s a stupid, pointless thing to say, but I wish it wasn’t true,’ she told her.

  ‘That’s perfectly understandable.’

  ‘I still even try to persuade myself sometimes that it isn’t, but deep down I know Daddy would never have lied to me like that.’

  Elaine’s smile was tender. ‘No, he certainly wouldn’t have,’ she agreed.

  Eva lowered her eyes. She hated feeling so pathetic, so desperate for a mother she’d hardly even known, but it had started to come over her so powerfully that it was almost impossible to hold back her tears.

  ‘I think I should call Patty,’ Elaine said, reaching for her phone.

  Eva’s head came up. ‘No. Why? I don’t want to speak to her … Elaine, please stop dialling.’


  Putting the phone down again, Elaine took an unsteady breath.

  ‘Patty and I have nothing to say to each other,’ Eva snapped.

  Elaine’s eyes held gently to hers. ‘But if you want to know about your mother …’

  Eva’s heart gave a jolt of confusion. ‘Know what about my mother?’ she demanded. ‘You’re making it sound as though … Is there something to know, I mean more than I already …? Oh my God, she is dead, isn’t she?’

  Without any hesitation Elaine said, ‘Yes, of course she is. As you just said yourself, your father would never have told you she was if she wasn’t.’

  ‘No, but …’ Her mind was spinning; she didn’t seem to have a proper grasp on what was happening. ‘Elaine, I think you’re hiding something from me. You are, aren’t you? What is it? You have to tell me.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ Elaine murmured, putting a hand to her head. ‘I had no idea you were going to bring this up today, that we’d find ourselves … I’m sorry, dear, but you really should talk to Patty.’

  ‘For God’s sake, why?’ Eva cried, leaping to her feet. ‘What can be so awful that you can’t tell me yourself?’

  ‘Nothing’s awful, nothing, it’s just that … Oh Eva … Patty would never forgive me … If you’ll just let me call her. She’ll come right away, I know she will, because she’s waiting, hoping to hear from me.’

  Enraged and confounded, Eva clasped her hands to her head as she shouted, ‘I just told you, I don’t want to see her.’

  ‘Eva, please calm down …’

  ‘How can I, when I know you’re keeping something from me?’

  ‘Not by choice. It’s simply not my place …’

  ‘No! Don’t say I have to talk to Patty, because it’s not going to happen.’

  ‘Then I’m afraid,’ Elaine said, looking as regretful as she sounded, ‘your questions will have to remain unanswered.’

  Boiling with frustration, Eva stormed towards her coat and might have grabbed it if she’d had the courage to leave. Instead she started to pace, feeling so torn and disoriented that she hardly knew what she was thinking. If it was true that Patty was keeping some sort of secret about their mother, and had been for over thirty years, then it was almost as unforgivable as her treachery with Don. In fact, her sister clearly wasn’t to be trusted about anything, which made Eva wonder what else she might know and was keeping to herself. Where did the lies begin and end? How was she, Eva, ever going to get to the truth?

  Suddenly rounding on Elaine, she said, ‘My mother died in a car crash, right? That’s what I was told, and that’s what happened.’

  Elaine’s eyes were dark with feeling as she said, ‘I’m going to call Patty,’ and picking up the phone she pressed in the number again.

  Though Eva wanted to shout at her to stop, to push it home to her that she could hardly bear the thought of even looking at her sister, never mind listening to what she had to say, she forced herself to hold back. If she wanted answers, then it seemed this was the only way she was going to get them without bullying Elaine.

  When Elaine clicked off the line again, Eva said, almost breathlessly, ‘Is she coming?’

  Elaine nodded.

  ‘Then I want you to stay in the room with us, and if she tries to start talking about Don, you must promise to make her stop.’

  ‘You have my word,’ Elaine assured her, ‘now please come and sit down and try to finish your tea.’

  ‘I’m almost there,’ Patty was saying to Don on the phone.

  ‘So she’s agreed to see you?’

  ‘I’m presuming so. Elaine didn’t say much, only to come.’

  There was a moment before he asked, ‘What do you want me to do?’

  Checking her mirror as she turned into Elaine’s drive, she said, ‘I don’t think there is anything, unless … Maybe you should be nearby in case she wants to talk to you too.’

  ‘Do you think she will?’

  ‘I’ve no idea, but if she does …’

  ‘I’ll get in the car now and go to the Lamb. From there I can be at the retreat in a couple of minutes.’

  After ringing off, Patty pulled up next to Eva’s Smart car, and stepping out of her own she inhaled deeply, hoping to absorb some of the soothing energies that flowed around the estate. She was trying to collect herself, to recapture what she could say to Eva that might in some way help her, but unlike last night when she’d felt ready to face her, this morning she was struggling to hold herself together. There was nothing right about what she’d done, no way of excusing it, or reasoning it through, she’d betrayed her sister in the worst imaginable way and no amount of apologising or pathetic self-justification was ever going to change it. So why had she ever imagined there was anything she could do? She’d never be able to forgive this kind of betrayal herself, so why on earth did she think Eva could?

  As she started towards the house she realised she was losing sight now of why she was here. What good was it going to do, forcing a confrontation on Eva that Eva really didn’t need, and that she, Patty, had no way of controlling? Maybe it would be best if she just got back in the car and drove away. Yes, that was what she would do. Except Eva must have agreed to see her or Elaine wouldn’t have rung, and if Eva was willing, brave enough, to see this through, then she had to make herself go through it too.

  Forcing herself up the steps she rapped twice on the heavy front door, then turned her tired, frightened eyes to the stormy sky above, as though somewhere up there she might find at least a trace of the strength and courage she needed to get her through the next hour.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Eva could feel her own hostility filling the room as she watched Patty coming in through the door. The scars on her cheek felt raw and angry, her heart was as tightly closed as her fists. She was sitting on one of the sofas and didn’t move when Elaine got up from her chair to greet her elder stepdaughter.

  ‘Come in, dear,’ Elaine said, discreetly thanking the receptionist who’d brought Patty through. After closing the door, she said, ‘I’ve made some fresh tea for us all.’

  Patty’s eyes were on Eva, and only briefly left her as Elaine took her coat. Going to sit on the other sofa, Patty flinched at the hatred she could sense streaming her way.

  Eva’s voice was cutting as she said, ‘You think you’re here to talk about what you’ve done to my marriage, don’t you?’

  Patty glanced awkwardly at Elaine.

  ‘Well you’re wrong,’ Eva told her. ‘What you’ve done is for you and your conscience to live with. I don’t need the detail, and I certainly don’t need to watch you squirming and snivelling around trying to explain yourself …’

  ‘Eva, dear,’ Elaine broke in.

  ‘It’s OK, Elaine,’ Patty said. ‘She needs to tell me what she thinks …’

  ‘Don’t you dare patronise me!’ Eva cried.

  ‘That’s not what I’m doing.’

  ‘It’s what you always do.’

  ‘Only in your head …’

  ‘No, in yours, Patty, in yours. You’ve told yourself for so long that you’re in charge, that you always know what’s best, that you’ve actually come to believe it. Have you never noticed that time’s moved on, that I’m a grown woman now, that I feel the same way other women feel, especially when my own sister lies to me and steals my husband.’

  Visibly flinching, Patty glanced at the tea Elaine was offering and shook her head. ‘I don’t expect you to forgive me, or to try to understand,’ she said to Eva, ‘I hardly know myself how it happened …’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake,’ Eva cut in scathingly. ‘You’re not stupid, you knew exactly what you were doing. You were lying, Patty. In fact, so many lies, so much deceit has come out of you that I doubt you even know what the truth is any more.’

  Patty’s face was ashen. She had no words to defend herself, nowhere to turn for excuses or some kind of comfort that would help her sister.

  ‘Don’t you have anything at all to say?’ Eva demand
ed scornfully.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Patty whispered. ‘Sorrier than I’ll ever be able to put into words.’

  Eva’s eyes flashed. ‘But not so sorry that it stopped you doing it. You knew what it would do to me, how it would devastate my world, but you went ahead with it anyway. Well, please don’t ever delude yourself that there’s one ounce of forgiveness or understanding in me because there isn’t, and nor will there ever be.’

  Patty swallowed and lowered her eyes.

  Eva watched her with contempt, her breath shallow, her hands clenched tightly together.

  In the end Patty said, ‘I’d like to …’

  Eva broke straight in. ‘I’m not interested in what you’d like,’ she spat. ‘Nothing about you matters one iota to me now. All I want from you is the truth, Patty, if you’re able to tell it – if you even know what it is any more.’

  Patty’s eyes were confused as she looked up. ‘I thought … Isn’t …?’

  ‘I’m not talking about what you’ve done with my husband, I’m talking about our mother and what you’ve been keeping from me.’

  Shocked, Patty turned to Elaine.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Eva shouted, ‘she hasn’t broken your confidence, but I know there’s something and now you are going to tell me what it is.’

  Patty seemed to shrink into herself as she started to shake her head. ‘No, not like this,’ she protested.

  Sitting forward, almost as though to strike her, Eva cried, ‘Yes, like this. Here, now, today, you’re going to tell me what else you’ve been keeping from me …’

  ‘Eva, please don’t …’

  ‘Just tell me,’ Eva seethed. ‘What happened to her? What’s the big secret?’