No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  ‘I’m sure an hour will be plenty enough for him,’ she said jokily, ‘so let’s go for that. And maybe we can get together sometime soon to have a chat about things?’

  Izzie seemed to like that. ‘Of course, you just let me know when and where and I’ll be happy to. He’s no trouble, I can promise you that, which isn’t to say he doesn’t have his moments …’

  ‘I heard that,’ Richie told her.

  ‘You were supposed to,’ she chuckled, reaching up to tousle his hair.

  ‘I don’t mind driving if everyone wants to get into my car,’ Jasmine offered.

  Moments later they’d all piled in and were shouting out good luck as they took off towards the gates.

  Standing beside Richie, Eva tried to think of a way to break the awkwardness developing between them.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ she ventured. ‘Would you like something to eat?’

  Following her inside, he said, ‘I guess a bit, if you are?’

  Doubting she’d be able to eat a thing, she sat him down at the table and went to raid the fridge. ‘I seem to have plenty of cheese and ham,’ she announced, ‘so take your pick, omelette, baguette, croque monsieur …’

  ‘Croque what?’ he interrupted.

  Grimacing, she said, ‘Monsieur. It’s basically cheese and ham on toast.’

  He shrugged. ‘Sounds cool. If it’s OK, I’ll have that.’

  As she started to prepare the snack she noticed him gazing out across the garden to the sea.

  ‘This place is totally awesome,’ he commented, almost under his breath. ‘Sadie said it was – not that she’d ever been inside before today, but you know, when she drove up here with Tara …’

  ‘It’s a pity she didn’t ring the bell,’ Eva responded, ‘but I can understand why she didn’t. Anyway, the important thing is that you’re here now, and we have so much catching up to do I hardly know where to begin.’

  Turning to look at her, he seemed uneasy, in a way that turned her heart inside out. Please let him want to know me, she was panicking behind her smile. She wouldn’t be able to bear it if he didn’t.

  As she started to speak he did too, and they both stopped awkwardly.

  ‘You first,’ she said quickly.

  ‘No, you,’ he insisted.

  ‘I was only going to say I’m so glad you came.’

  He nodded and looked down at his hands.

  ‘How about you?’ she prompted, fearing that he wasn’t so glad. ‘What were you going to say?’

  Shrugging he said, ‘I was just going to ask how long you’ve lived here?’ He looked around the kitchen and told her simply by his expression that he’d probably never seen anything like it.

  Trying not to think of how he should have grown up here, she said, ‘Well, I’ve owned it for about seventeen years, but it had to be completely renovated before we could move in, so we’ve – I’ve actually lived here for fourteen.’

  ‘Awesome,’ he murmured. ‘It’s like something out of a magazine.’ Then, not quite meeting her eyes, he said, ‘So you don’t have any other children?’

  Guessing Patty must have told him that, or perhaps he’d read it somewhere, she felt a wave of gladness sweeping over her that she had remained exclusively his, provided, of course, it was what he wanted. ‘I’ll tell you one day why you’re my only child,’ she responded, feeling instantly embarrassed by the intimacy of the words she’d chosen, ‘but it’s probably a bit heavy going for today.’

  He was looking into her face now, and she felt acutely aware of her scars. ‘Was it something to do with the attack?’ he asked quietly.

  She swallowed as she smiled. ‘Not exactly,’ she replied. ‘I mean, it didn’t leave me incapable of having any more, if that’s what you’re thinking.’

  He went on looking at her, but after a moment she realised he’d lost focus as he tried once again to take everything in.

  ‘I still don’t know very much about you,’ she reminded him, ‘apart from the fact that you live with your aunt and apparently have a very good relationship with your cousin.’

  ‘Oh, Sadie, yeah, she’s cool. We’ve been like best mates for as long as I can remember. I mean, she gets on my case about stuff every now and then, but I guess I probably do the same to her.’ He stopped, seeming to think he’d said enough. Then to her surprise, and relief, he continued. ‘I keep telling her if she could play rugger she’d be the perfect person, and she says if she could play rugger she’d be weird or a hooker because she’s small, so she won’t be taking it up any time soon.’

  Not surprised to hear about the rugby, considering his shirt, Eva laughed as she said, ‘I take it you play the game.’

  ‘Oh, just about every chance I get.’

  ‘What position do you play?’ she asked, glancing up.

  ‘Number eight,’ he replied, making it sound as ordinary as any other position.

  Her eyebrows arched. ‘Now why aren’t I surprised?’ she said teasingly.

  ‘Are you a fan?’ he asked.

  She pulled a face. ‘That might be overstating it, but if there’s an important game on I usually watch. Which team do you follow?’

  ‘Exeter Chiefs,’ he answered, as if there were no other. ‘And you?’

  ‘I’m not dedicated enough to have a team, but I can always be talked around.’

  Grinning, he took some nuts from the dish she put in front of him, and spotting four hungry eyes gazing up at him he said, ‘Is it OK to share?’

  ‘Of course, it’s just important to remember that Elvis should never have any meat, or any kind of animal product.’

  Eyeing Elvis closely he said, ‘Mm, I guess that could be a bit cannibalistic, so that means none of my thingy monsieur, Elvis baby. You’ll just have to make do with a peanut.’

  As Elvis scoffed down a handful and Rosie chomped more delicately on her allocation, he remarked, ‘I’ve never known anyone have a pig as a pet before. It’s really cool.’

  ‘I’m glad you think so,’ she smiled. ‘I’m pretty mad about him myself.’

  Hoping that Elvis would be his pet too one of these days, she carried their toasted sandwiches to the table and marvelled yet again at the miracle of his size and obvious athleticism. It was almost impossible to stop looking at him. Could this gorgeous, humorous, seemingly intelligent hunk of a boy really be hers? Were all those awful, endless years of not knowing where or even who he was really and truly at an end? She wanted to pinch herself to make sure it wasn’t a dream and that he was actually sitting right here at her table, eating food she’d prepared and telling her about himself in a way that seemed slowly but surely to be growing in confidence.

  ‘So your husband,’ he said, biting into his sandwich, ‘the one we read about, the ex-policeman? I guess he’s not here today?’

  Putting her sandwich down as her mouth turned dry, Eva took only a moment to decide that she must answer with the truth. ‘Actually, we’re not together any more,’ she told him quietly.

  A painful colour rushed to his cheeks. ‘Oh, sorry,’ he responded. ‘I didn’t mean … It was just …’

  ‘It’s OK,’ she assured him. ‘You were right to ask, and I don’t want to start off with secrets between us, so I should probably tell you now that he left me about two months ago.’

  His eyes widened in disbelief. ‘He left you?’ he queried, as though unable to imagine anything so bizarre.

  She almost smiled at the loyalty as she nodded. ‘He’s living with my sister now, Patty, who you’ve already met.’

  More colour rushed to his cheeks as apparently feeling right out of his depth now he looked down at his food.

  ‘It’s really not something for you to worry about,’ she assured him hastily. ‘I’m surviving, and you turning up like this … Well, it’s giving me a whole lot more to think about than what they might be doing together.’

  His eyes came back to hers.

  Trying to swallow her anxiety, Eva said, ‘I really think we’re going to get al
ong, don’t you?’

  For a moment he appeared uncertain, then breaking into an impish smile, he replied, ‘Yeah, I reckon we might, as long as you come and watch me play rugger.’

  Laughing delightedly, she said, ‘Starting today, I promise never to miss a game, home or away.’

  Had she overstated it, made it sound as though she was going to overwhelm him? If she had, he didn’t seem to mind, because he was biting into his sandwich again and giving a playful wink to Elvis.

  A few days later Patty was walking down through her campsite, passing the caravans, some luxurious, others more modest, that would soon start filling up for Christmas. A couple had coloured lights in the windows already; one even had a tree, but most were still in darkness waiting for their owners or renters to arrive.

  At the end of the park she climbed over a grassy verge packed with seaweed and flotsam and descended on to the beach where a handful of anglers were casting into the waves, and a speedboat was skimming like a rocket across the bay. The sun seemed lacklustre behind its veil of cloud, but the wind, though cold, wasn’t bitter or driving.

  Taking out her phone, she scrolled to Elaine’s number and pressed to connect. ‘Hi, it’s me, Patty,’ she said when Elaine answered. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes, I’m fine dear, thank you,’ came the reply. ‘How are you?’

  The sun seemed to burn her eyes for a moment, and then was gone. ‘Yes, I’m good,’ she said, staring down at the smashed shells at her feet. Why was she so nervous about speaking to Elaine? What was she expecting Elaine to say? ‘I was – I was wondering if you might have seen or spoken to Eva since Sunday?’ she asked, feeling the silence between her and Eva opening like a physical gulf in her heart.

  ‘As a matter of fact I’ve just returned from taking her to the station,’ Elaine said cheerily, ‘so I know all about Richie and how the Universe has brought them together at last. A wonderful story. I don’t mind admitting it brought tears to my eyes, and gladdened my heart so much that I’m arranging a ceremony of thanksgiving for later today. Eva won’t be here, unfortunately, because she’s not back from London until Thursday, but you’re very welcome to join us if you have time.’

  ‘I’ll try to make it,’ Patty promised. Then, ‘So you haven’t met him yet?’

  ‘No, but she’s bringing him over next weekend, on Saturday I believe, because he’s playing rugby on Sunday so he won’t be free. He sounds a lovely boy, from everything she told me.’

  Swallowing dryly, Patty said, ‘Yes, I think he is. Certainly what I saw of him. It’s fantastic news, isn’t it?’

  ‘The very best – and it could hardly have come at a better time.’

  Unsure whether her stepmother was thinking of an antidote to betrayal, or the approach of Christmas, Patty felt a painful twist in her conscience anyway. ‘No, it probably couldn’t,’ she agreed shakily. ‘So how did she seem to you? Do you think she’s coping with it all right?’

  ‘I most certainly do, and now I have to wonder why you’re asking.’

  Taking a breath, Patty said, ‘I’m just concerned, that’s all. She’s been through such a lot lately, and I keep wondering if I should have delayed all this until she’d had more time …’

  ‘Patty, my dear, you would never have had my blessing if you’d tried to keep her son from her a minute longer than necessary. She deserves this more than anyone I know, and from what I’ve heard so far he deserves her too.’

  ‘Of course,’ Patty said quietly. Her head was bowed again and the sound of seagulls was like an audible tearing in her heart. ‘I just … I needed to be sure she was OK. I’ve talked to Livvy, obviously, and she says she’s fine, over the moon is how she puts it, and it sounds as though they all had a fabulous day on Sunday.’

  ‘They did. And now we’ve dealt with that, I imagine we’re soon going to get around to the real point of your call.’

  Tensing as more nerves clenched her insides, Patty turned her back to the sea as in a voice strangled by tears she replied, ‘I’m trying to.’

  ‘Patty,’ Elaine said gently, ‘I know this is breaking your heart almost as much as it is Eva’s, but I’m sorry to say that when you started your relationship with Don it was never going to end any other way.’

  ‘So are you saying he should have stayed with her even though he was no longer in love with her? Is that the kind of marriage you’d have wanted for her?’

  ‘Are you absolutely sure he was no longer in love with her?’

  Shaken, even shocked, Patty turned very still. ‘I know what he told me, and I can’t see why he would lie.’

  ‘No, nor can I, but I know he has always cared very deeply for you both and it’s possible he became confused …’

  ‘He’s not a child, Elaine. He’s a grown man who knows his own mind.’

  ‘Then perhaps what we should really be discussing is your mind, and the issues you have regarding Eva and your mother.’

  Patty’s eyes closed as every muscle in her body tried to reject the words. This was why she’d been afraid to speak to Elaine, why she wanted to ring off now before Elaine could say any more, because Elaine knew the truth and was no longer flinching from speaking it.

  ‘I understand what a painful subject this is for you,’ her stepmother continued, ‘but you know in your heart that sooner or later you will have to face it. So, as I told you once before, when you’re ready to do that, my door will be open.’

  As the call ended Patty sank to her knees in the sand and buried her head in her hands. Why had she rung Elaine when she’d known it would end like this? It was as though Elaine was already in touch with the demons she kept buried, locked, squashed into a small dark part of herself, where they should stay, because they had no use or worth, no meaning or purpose. They were just jealous, possessive, iniquitous little thoughts that belonged to a child, not a grown woman – a child whose mother had taken her own life when she was twelve years old, not four, like Eva, so she’d been old enough to understand her mother’s reasons for doing what she did. Except she never had understood, not really, nor did she understand why Eva had seemed to matter more, when Patty was the eldest and if Eva hadn’t come along their mother might still be here.

  Why hadn’t she mattered? Why had everything always been about somebody else? Apart from Don no one had ever seemed to realise how lonely she felt inside, nor had they gone out of their way to make her feel special or prized. She was the one they all leaned on, and only he seemed to understand that sometimes she needed to lean too. He’d always been there for her, ever since he’d come into their lives, giving her the kind of moral and physical support that she’d lost when her mother had left, support that Reece had never known how to provide. Was it any wonder she’d fallen in love with Don when he’d gone to such lengths to help her put her life back together after Reece walked out, and to make her feel that she still mattered when she’d all but lost sight of her sense of worth? She hadn’t meant anything to happen between them, she truly hadn’t, but by the time she’d realised how wretched it made her feel every time he went home to Eva, how desperately she wanted him for herself, it was already too late.

  ‘Are you absolutely sure he was no longer in love with her?’ Elaine had asked, and as the words crushed their doubt into her heart she could feel herself buckling under the dread of what she knew she must do.

  Chapter Nineteen

  ‘Oh, another text,’ Eva cried happily, and opening up her BlackBerry she practically sparkled to see who it was from. In the next instant her heart was aching with guilt and dismay. It couldn’t have been more different in tone to the other messages Richie had sent over the past couple of days, updating her on what he was doing, asking about Rosie and Elvis, or giving her the change of venue for his match next Sunday. This time with no warning, no preamble at all, he’d said, So why did you give me up when I was born?

  Swallowing hard, she passed the phone over for Bobbie to read. ‘I guess he finds it easier to ask this way,’ she said sha
kily.

  Bobbie nodded agreement, and handed the phone back. Her eyes went to Eva’s as she said, ‘So what are you going to tell him?’

  ‘The truth, of course,’ Eva replied, ‘but not like this,’ and opening up a reply screen she wrote, It’s a long story and I promise I will tell you, but not in a text. For now, please don’t ever doubt that I regret it with all my heart and I couldn’t be happier that you’re back in my life. Xx

  After sending it, she sat staring down at her wine.

  ‘Don’t look so worried, it was bound to happen,’ Bobbie reminded her, ‘and you’ll handle it, when the time is right.’

  Eva sighed and picked up her glass. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘I just hate to think of him being upset, which he obviously is, probably angry too, and hiding behind his phone.’

  Bobbie’s expression turned droll. ‘From everything I know about children you should think yourself lucky, because the face-to-face can be pretty bloody with teenagers, and I’m sure it’ll come.’

  Grimacing and laughing, Eva glowed once more as a renewed surge of incredulity and happiness washed over her. ‘Can you believe, I’m actually getting texts from my son?’ she cried.

  ‘Sure I can believe it,’ Bobbie responded drily as she took a sip of her drink, ‘that’s the third one since you got here and you only turned up half an hour ago.’

  Eva gave a girlish laugh that got lost in a bolt of unease. ‘I know we’ve got a long way to go,’ she said soberly, ‘and a heck of a lot of ground to make up, but the important thing is, I think he’s willing to give me a chance.’

  Bobbie chuckled throatily. ‘He’d have me to deal with if he didn’t,’ she responded playfully.

  Eva laughed again, and gave a cry of delight as her phone bleeped once more. ‘Just heard i got 57/60 geog,’ she read aloud. ‘R u sure u want 2 no all ths stuff? Look,’ she said, proudly showing it to Bobbie.

  After reading it, Bobbie commented, ‘So he’s got brains as well as beauty – and was obviously satisfied by your last answer.’