To Live Again

by Melody Dawn

  I reach for his hand and say, “You don’t have to convince me, Connor. I will tell you. I know I’m breaking the “girl code” but this is important. It’s going to take a while so let’s get comfortable.” We lie down next to each other and I begin, “Three years ago…”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Connor

  I kiss Madison quickly and head outside. I can tell this conversation with Jayson is not going to be a good one. He’s already lying on the pool lounger drinking and staring off into space.

  Sitting down next to him, I say, “Hey man, you need to quit with the Jack Daniels. Whatever is wrong, you know as well as I do, getting hammered is not going to fix it.”

  He doesn’t answer me, but just keeps drinking.

  Getting annoyed with the blocking me out routine, I take the drink from his hand and pour it out onto the ground. He shoots up off the lounger and I stand up as well.

  “What the hell is your problem? If I want to drink, I will. You aren’t my mother and I don’t need your permission!”

  I step up to him and ask, “Do you feel better now that you got it all out and acted like a little bitch in the process?”

  I know I’m pushing him, but he’s talking through pain right now, and not my level-headed brother that I know is in there.

  “As usual, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” he yells at me!

  “Why don’t I know what I’m talking about? Because I haven’t dealt with what you have with Chloe? I’ve gone through shit you have no idea about, so you need to shut the hell up! You’re sounding like an ass!”

  For a moment, I think he is going to hit me and I prepare myself for it. We haven’t had a physical fight in years and Jayson is strong. I am too, and I’m pretty sure I can beat his ass, but I’m not doing that today.

  Instead of hitting me, he just sits back down and says, “I left her standing there, Connor. I was cruel to her; I told her she could suck me off if she wanted to fix this. She tried and I couldn’t let her go through with it. I pulled away and left. Oh, and I told her I hated her.”

  Looking at him, I am at a loss for words. I never dreamed J would do something like that to a woman and especially not to Chloe.

  Finally, I say, “Look Jayson, you’re going through a lot and while I don’t think that was the best thing to do, she will understand.”

  He shakes his head and says, “No, she won’t understand because I don’t understand it myself. I never knew I could act like that.”

  Remembering some things that I buried a long time ago, I say, “A lot of times, we do things we don’t think we are capable of. But, what matters is that you do whatever you have to in order to make up for it. You know Chloe loves you and I know you love her. Stop shaking your damn head at me. You know I’m right. I’m the older brother, remember?”

  I finally get an eye roll out of him and he says, “Yeah, old man, I remember.”

  We’re both quiet for a minute until I say, “Look, don’t stay out here too long; I’m going to get to bed. No more drinking; you have to go back to school tomorrow. You can’t let this take over your life, Jayson. Remember medical school? Don’t let all of this shit mess with your head so much that you screw it up before you even get started.”

  He tells me he will be in soon and will be going back to school. So, I head up to my room where Madison is waiting.

  When I get in there, I can tell she is talking to Chloe because she is crying. Fuck, I hate seeing her cry. I whisper to her and ask if she is alright and she tells me yes and that Chloe is talking about getting help. I decide I need to speak to Chloe and see where her head is at. When she hears it’s me, the crying starts all over again. I know J and I sound alike on the phone. I just didn’t think about it when we started talking. She pretty much tells me the same thing he did except for the sucking off part, which I’m glad, because I don’t really want to hear her explain that.

  I get off the phone with her and get ready for bed in the restroom while the girls talk. I need to know what is in Chloe’s past. I don’t want to try and get them back together if it is something detrimental to my brother, no matter how much pain it will cause both of them. Now, if I can only convince Madison to tell me what she knows. I walk out as they are hanging up and I tell her that I need to know what is in Chloe’s past so I know what I’m dealing with.

  To my surprise, she agrees quickly and begins the story. When I hear how Chloe was taken advantage of by that prick, Daniel, I want to go to California and kick his ass. I feel even more murderous when I hear how her parents left her in the hospital to take the blame and disowned her. But, when Madison talks about Alex Sterling dying, and his parents’ injuries, now I can see why Chloe is so damaged. Who wouldn’t be?

  Even though she was pled down to a misdemeanor, she was still charged with vehicular manslaughter. But, what is the most amazing thing to me is the money she gave to the Sterling’s; I know some might see it as guilt money, but I know she did it because she is a good person and wanted to relieve their pain as much as possible.

  I also know if Jayson knew this, he would have his ass back down to Galveston quicker than the speed of light. I can’t figure out how to tell him without going back on my promise to Madison to keep it to myself. I lay there holding my girl wondering how she and I got here. I wasn’t looking for her, but here she is. My thoughts turn to Jayson and Chloe; I try to figure out how to get the two of them back together, but I’ve got nothing right now. I feel myself drifting off to sleep, hoping that things will look better in the morning.

  Chapter Thirty

  Connor

  So much for things looking better in the morning. Madison and I get ready for school, that’s the only great part…having her here. We go down for breakfast and Jase is already there eating. I notice he looks better than yesterday. Wait, is that cologne I smell? And he looks like he actually gave a damn this morning when he got dressed. Something is going on…maybe he has decided to go and get Chloe and work things out.

  I try to find out without coming out and asking. “Are you working today or do you have the afternoon off?” I ask.

  Without looking at me, he says, “Yes, I’m working tonight.”

  I look at Madison and she is looking at him with suspicion also. “Are you going anywhere this afternoon,”

  He looks annoyed and says, “No plans. Why are you giving me the 3rd degree?”

  I decide just to be upfront about it. “Because you’re dressed up with cologne on; you’re pissed at your girlfriend, and your ego is bruised. All of that is a recipe for disaster especially if you start thinking with your dick.”

  Putting his plate away, he says, “No, that’s your move, Connor. Leave me alone, ok. All I’m doing is going to school.”

  As he walks out, I hear Madison say, “Yeah, I bet that’s all your doing.”

  I give her a warning look because I don’t want things to escalate further. I’m not usually near J’s classes, but I’m going to make a point to wander by.

  Madison looks at me and says, “You know what’s going to happen, right? That skank, Alyssa, is going to notice Chloe is gone and Jayson is acting differently, and she is going to pounce. I swear, Connor, if he puts anything of his near anything of hers, you better hide the knives because I’m going to start cutting off body parts.”

  I laugh and say, “Ok, Lorena Bobbitt Jr, I’ll be watching.” I act like it’s no big deal, but I’m worried about the very same thing.

  We leave for school and go to our separate classes. After my AutoCAD class, I walk towards the Psychology building. And fuck my life, what do you think I see. Exactly what Madison said would happen. Skankzilla, or Alyssa, is pressed up against Jayson with him against the wall. She is running her nails down his chest and he is leaning down towards her. If that son of a bitch kisses her, I’m going to be less a twin!

  I’m more than pissed when I finally reach them. “Dude, what the hell are you doing? Are you trying to ruin a good thi
ng or is this just your idea of payback?”

  Queen Skanky pipes up and says, “He misses me…I told y’all he would be back. After all, at least I didn’t murder anyone and besides, He knows I have a magic pussy…”

  I look at her in disbelief and Jayson looks shocked.

  Rolling my eyes with disgust, I say, “I would think it was more a rancid pussy with all the dicks you’ve got going into it! Don’t act like you’ve been waiting for him. And I told you before, you need to get on some meds because you are one crazy bitch! Move away from him now!”

  Walking us away from Jayson, I take her by the arm and say, “Now, for the last time, get the hell away from us and don’t try this shit again. Or you will be sorry…very sorry. And if I hear you spouting that crap again about murdering someone, you better be looking over your shoulder.”

  I try to sound menacing and it looks like it’s working because she turns around and runs off.

  Jayson is standing there just looking at me and I feel a fury come over me that is all-consuming.

  I grab his shirt and ask, “What in the fuck are you thinking? I knew something was up with you this morning. You know, I’m the brother that’s the fuck-up and you have it altogether, so what has changed? Why am I suddenly pulling your ass out of stupid situations?”

  He doesn’t answer and this pisses me off further.

  “Are you going to goddamn answer me or just stand there? I’m sick of this shit, Jayson! So, your girl left you and your heart is broken. Life isn’t over; quit making dumb decisions and go and get her back. Or get over her and move on with someone else, but definitely not Alyssa!”

  I’m out of breath by this time and people are walking by and whispering.

  Jase looks at me and asks, “Who murdered someone?”

  I put my hands behind my head and say, “That’s not for me to say, but you need to sit down and talk with Chloe. And I mean really talk to her, none of this accusatory bullshit because your pride got stepped on. Oh, and one more thing, you need to figure out how Alyssa would know something so personal about Chloe. It’s not like she is from here. That’s got stalker written all over it and it makes me worry, a lot.”

  A look comes across Jayson’s face and I finally get a glimpse of the brother I’ve always known.

  He says, “I have to work tonight or I would go to her. I can’t get out of it; they’re short-staffed at the hospital. And you’re not a fuck-up…don’t say that shit again. I’ll go and get her tomorrow; it’s a short class day and I don’t have to work.” He looks at me and grins, “How bad are you going to hurt me if I hug you?”

  I laugh and say, “Bad enough that you and Chloe are going to be bored for a while until you heal.” He fist bumps me and says “I’ve got to get to my next class. I will talk to you tonight after work.”

  I tell him goodbye and walk towards my truck. He doesn’t know it, but he is going to have a surprise waiting on him when he gets home tonight. I’ve made up my mind; I’m going to Galveston to get Chloe. It’s time to put a stop to this shit once and for all. Then, maybe I can focus on Madison and get a forever of my own.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chloe

  Sitting outside my room in one of the deck chairs, I have my journal that I bought after Jayson left. I’ve been writing in it almost constantly. The memories that I’ve tried to bury these last few years have overwhelmed my brain, but now I’m welcoming them instead of repressing them. My journal is full of everything from my feelings about my childhood, the physical assault by Daniel, the night of my graduation, Daniel drugging me, and the accident. Not to mention, my time in court, my probation, working at the Children’s Hospital…it’s all in there.

  I’ve also added several entries about Jayson: the first time we met, the first time we kissed, my first orgasm, when he told me he loved me…all of those wonderful things. But, I didn’t stop there. I wrote about my betrayal of him, my fears of being left, and trying to protect him. I even included about our last visit with each other. That’s the hardest thing for me to remember and journal…the feeling of him in my mouth and the anger I could see in his eyes. I know he was trying to hurt me, but he couldn’t do it; he’s too good of a man and I’m still not sure I deserve him.

  A chill is coming in off of the water so I gather my things and go inside my room. I’m starting to get a little stir crazy and need to get out of this hotel. I think I’m ready to go home even though I don’t know what or who I’m going home to. I know I’m going to get some help. I hope with all my heart that things work out with Jayson, but if they don’t, I will be a better person for having had him in my life. The thought that he might not be there anymore crashes into me and I have to take several deep breaths. “I will not let myself have a panic attack” I repeat over and over again in my mind. Instead, I listen to the song, “You’re Gone”, by Diamond Rio. It’s exactly how I feel about Jayson.

  I strip down to one of Jayson’s t-shirts and my panties and lie on my bed, crying as I listen to the song. I let the words wash over me and I just feel…it’s painful, but cathartic. I haven’t allowed myself to show emotion in so long; I’ve forgotten how powerful they can truly be. “You’re Gone” finishes and my iPod moves to the next song in the playlist, it’s “Just a Fool” by Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton. If that isn’t me and Jayson, I don’t know what else is. I turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs. All of a sudden, I hear knocking. I’m probably getting asked to turn the music down.

  I realize I’m in my t-shirt and panties, but I will just stay behind the door. Turning the song down a little, I answer the door and to my shock…it’s Jayson. I immediately lunge at him and wrap my arms and legs around him, crying, and saying “I’m sorry” over and over again. I can feel how stiff his body is and he is trying to push me away. I just hold on tighter, determined not to let go until he forgives me.

  All of a sudden, I hear him say close to my ear, “Chloe, it’s me, Connor, not Jayson.”

  Oh my God, I am freaking mortified! I let go and back away staring at the ground. It’s quiet for a moment except for Blake and Christina singing “Just a Fool.”

  Finally, I start trying to apologize, but, Connor being himself asks, “What the fuck is it with this song? Jayson has played it over and over. I had to hide his iPad from him because I thought I was going to hurl if I heard it again. Now I get here and you are listening to it, too!” He is trying to act pissed off but I can see the laughter in his eyes.

  I hurry and turn the music off and say, “Come in…is Madison here? Is, uh are you by yourself?”

  He tells me no, Madison isn’t here with him, that it’s just him here to see me. Suddenly, I realize I’m half-naked and excuse myself. I grab some sweats and run to the restroom where I get dressed and try to do something with the rat’s nest that is my hair. I finally just pull it up in a bun and brush my teeth for good measure. Nobody wants dragon breath when they are trying to talk about something important to someone. And it has to be important, because I can’t imagine why else Connor would be here alone.

  Walking out of the restroom, I notice he is still standing there. “Uh, sorry. Sorry, that I jumped on you like that and that I wasn’t dressed.” My face is scarlet by the time I’ve stumbled through my apology.

  Connor grins and says, “Well, normally I wouldn’t mind if a beautiful girl jumps me, but I think there are two other people that would mind a whole lot.” I look at him with confusion and ask, “Two other people? Who else besides Jayson…Oh my God, are you and Madison together?”

  And what do you know, but the incorrigible manwhore, Connor Reece, actually blushes. It’s so freaking cute; I can’t help but hug him…appropriately this time.

  I immediately start babbling, “I’m so happy for the two of you. Y’all are perfect together!” I look at him sternly and say, “If EITHER of you screw this up, I’m kicking your asses.”

  This makes him smile and he says, “Well, at least thanks for not thinking it would onl
y be my fault.”

  I can see the vulnerability in Connor even though he thinks he is hiding it well. “You’re a good man, Connor, and you won’t hurt her; I can tell. Ok, enough bad stuff, when did this happen? Oh, who cares, it doesn’t matter. I’m just so happy for you both…and I’m happy for me, too.”

  He looks puzzled and says, “Why, little bit?”

  I smile at him and say, “Because I finally have a brother. I’ve always wanted one. You’re loyal to your family and I’ve never had that. My family isn’t the greatest and besides Madison, I don’t really have anyone I actually consider family. Now, I have a brother.”

  My words have him crossing the room and wrapping me up in a hug. “Thank you, Chloe…that means a lot. If my idiot brother doesn’t see what he has in front of him, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

  I pull back from him and say, “No, Connor, that’s not true. I don’t know that I deserve him. I’ve hurt him terribly. I want you to know I didn’t want to do it; I thought I was protecting him.” ‘

  Connor takes a deep breath and says, “Chloe, we need to sit down and talk. There are some things that have happened and you need to know about them.”

  My breathing begins to ramp up and I can feel panic tightening my insides. I start rocking back and forth while telling myself again, “I’m not going to have a panic attack.”

  Connor notices my anxiety and says, “No, Chloe, it’s nothing too bad; I just need you to hear me before you make some decisions.”

  As I sit and listen, Connor begins to tell me the terrible place Jayson has been in. He told me of the drinking and the fact that he knows about him demanding oral sex from me. He then tells me that Alyssa made a play for him and she made a reference to the fact that at least she hadn’t murdered anyone. I feel so sick to my stomach. I knew from the first day she said Jayson was hers that she was going to cause a problem for me.