Andrew let the tears fall. "I don't know if I can be the pa they need." He sighed. "I don't know if I am made to be their pa."
"You know it's not up to you. I am always glad that it's left up to God," Charles said. "It's up to God, and He gave you those children."
Andrew looked down at the picture. Picking it up, he looked at his father's face like he always did. How did Ben feel when they spread lies about him? How would he have handled the case? Charles was right. God had chosen him to be their father. He touched Ben's face, wishing he could speak with the man once again. It was like God was touching his face and blessing him with Katrina, great siblings, and blessing him with God's children. God had given them to Andrew to love and care for. Despite what they did to him.
Chapter 39
"I need to send a telegram to the manager at Liberty House," Izzy said with emptiness in her voice. The last day in court had really done her in. It hadn’t gone well. Mr. Heyman had so much power over the trial. The only positive thing she saw so many of the townspeople were seeing the asylum life for the first time. And it made them angry and to know Mr. Heyman got paid for every person in the asylum.
"Sure," the telegrapher said and did as she asked.
As Izzy walked out, Johnny told her he was praying for her and the Starrys. She smiled at him. As she walked out, she went to get Phoenix and suddenly felt nauseated. She threw up right in front of the alley, but at least her stomach was empty. Closing her eyes, she held her stomach. She had thrown up every day for the last two weeks, so this was normal for her lately. But it felt different. Her stomach was cramping like the monthly.
Suddenly she felt someone at her side. Hoping it was Jesse, she opened her eyes to see Maverick looking at her, concerned. He didn't touch her. "What is wrong, Izzy?"
Izzy shook her head and then threw up again. Embarrassed, she couldn't believe Maverick was seeing her like this.
"You're sick. We need to get you to Doc Charles," Maverick ordered in his authoritative voice.
She shook her head. "I am fine. I just haven't been feelin’ well lately."
Maverick's eyes went wide. "You mean this has been happening for a while? Izzy, why have you been hiding this? Ellen hid she was sick and she died. Please go to Charles."
She shook her head. "I can't." She threw up again. Wiping her mouth, she knew she had to see Mabel. "Take me to the Alexander ranch. I will see Mabel."
Walking into Mabel's parlor, Izzy sat on the couch. She was so relieved to just sit, though she was still feeling cramps. Maybe she was starting her monthly back again. Mabel put a cold cloth on her head. Mabel handed her a drink, Izzy drank some, glad it stayed down.
Mabel cleaned her face. "Now I need you to lay back."
Izzy obeyed, feeling dizzy.
Mabel felt her stomach and then moved down gently. "I will have to check you, Izzy."
Izzy nodded. "That is fine. I told Maverick I am just fine."
"Well, you aren't," Mabel told her gently. "You have lost weight. I should have seen it. When was the last time you ate?"
Izzy frowned as she tried to think. "I think yesterday. I haven't been hungry lately."
"Izzy, you know how bad that is. You have been working too hard on the trial."
Izzy nodded. "I have done it before. Don't go on treatin’ me like I am a child."
Mabel nodded. "You are right, but I am also your friend and you have been doing too much, am I right?"
Izzy knew she had.
"When was your last monthly?"
Izzy didn't want to answer. It was embarrassing. She didn't have them normally, probably why she was barren. "Six months ago." When she heard Mabel gasp, she explained, "My monthly has not been normal since I was sixteen."
"I am sorry," Mabel said compassionately.
Izzy met her gaze. Mabel knew the truth. Izzy knew that Mabel knew some of it, but with that look of compassion and understanding, Mabel knew all of it. With Mabel, she didn't feel the old shame rise.
"So how has it been going with your ma?" Mabel asked.
Izzy gave her a long face. She had been trying to make up for not caring and it was smothering. "I don't handle being treated like a daughter by her. I do appreciate it from Aunt Mary because she knows me inside and out. Ma doesn't."
Mabel listened to her talk and then helped her sit up. Sitting next to her, her face was very serious. "Izzy dear, we are both women here. I think we should be honest with each other."
Izzy nodded. Was she dying like Ellen? She was there when Ellen told her children. Would she have to do the same?
"You are with child," Mabel told her gently.
Stunned, Izzy's eyes went wide. "Are...you...sure?"
Mabel nodded. "The child is Jesse's?"
Izzy nodded. She closed her eyes. How could she be carrying a child? She had been told she could never bear children. Well, God had different plans. She was caring for a baby! She had never felt such shock or joy. She knew she shouldn't be pregnant with a child, but she had dreamed of a child as long as she could remember. That dream had ended when she was sixteen. Secretly she had wished for a child to look like her that she could care for, keep safe, and be a loving mother to.
Suddenly she thought of what they might call her child. She looked at Mabel, feeling an ache in her stomach. What if her child had a childhood like hers? What if the child never felt like she belonged? "Mabel. Mabel, I didn't have a good childhood." She put a hand over her stomach, like holding the little one safe from the world. "What if my child is known as a bastard?"
Mabel put a hand on her shoulder. "Your child will have a father and a loving mother. Your child will know the love and the security of a God-fearing family."
Mabel was right, but what if Cole found out? It would devastate him. She could handle this. It wasn't the first mistake she had made. She would love this child. She would start now and go eat something. She would be a splendid mother.
Mabel looked at her seriously. "You need to face this. You need to tell Jesse."
Though the wedding was a little over a week away, she had to tell him. "I know." She felt ashamed. "It was just one time. I wanted to feel loved. I thought I would understand what love meant." Her eyes filled.
Mabel put an arm around her. "You looked for it in the wrong ways, dear."
She put her head in her hands. More than emotional, it exhausted her. Crying, she said, "I want my child to know love and to belong. Not always being used and abused by someone."
Mabel took the younger woman in her arms as she cried her pain away. She just wanted to be a little girl again, crying in her aunt's arms.
When she stopped crying, she had to face life, because her baby was given life and would never be known as a problem. Izzy had made her own mistakes and had to face the problems she had made, but her child wasn't one. She would face life as a mother.
IZZY THOUGHT LEAVING the Alexander ranch would make her feel better, but it didn't. She had eaten an apple and taken another one for the ride home. Walking next to Maverick instead of riding, she felt uneasy. He was being way too comforting which made her feel so much guilt. She didn't deserve his care.
Suddenly she felt another wave of nausea. She held her stomach and threw up. Leaning against a tree, Maverick stood by her. "I need to know, Izzy. What is wrong? You are sick."
"I will be fine," she muttered. If she could get to the ranch, hopefully he would leave her alone. She threw up again. Was this a normal part of pregnancy? Was she going to puke her guts out?
"No, you are not fine. I need to know. I can help you tell the others." His voice was high pitched and rushed, so unlike him. "We will find you help to solve this illness."
"I am not sick," she told him. Her stomach settling, her head still ached. She took a sip of his water. His face was full of worry and concern. "I’ll be fine."
"This is not normal. What is wrong?" Maverick demanded. He was getting more aggressive, but also gentle.
She didn't feel threatened by his ac
tions, which she should. Maybe she felt safe with him because he knew of her past. She genuinely didn't care. She just didn't want to answer. She wanted to go to bed. She was so exhausted. Maybe the baby had been taking her energy. Or the court had. Way too many people were depending on her. And now a child was. She leaned her head against Phoenix, feeling better.
"No." He stopped her. "What is the matter? Mabel told you something. I could tell when you walked out." His face softened. "Please."
She couldn't think anymore. He knew how to push. She glared at him. She knew how to fight back.
"Keepin’ it to yourself will not help," he told her. "What is wrong?"
"I will be fine." Another wave of nausea went through her and she closed her eyes. She couldn't hear Maverick's voice. How was she going to tell Jesse? He was not doing well because of the trial. She feared he would even go back to alcohol during the worst. But he hadn't. Tomorrow was the sentence, and she would have to wait till after that. She knew the outcome of that day. It made her sick. Finally, Maverick's voice came through again. "Tell me."
She couldn't handle his nagging. Glaring at him, she said, "I am with child." What had overcome her? She didn’t let anyone make her do what she didn’t want to do.
His eyes went wide, and he gasped. "What?"
Embarrassment and shame came over her. "It wasn't supposed to happen."
"How could Jesse do that?" Maverick asked angrily. "He didn't love you."
"Mav, shut up." She glared at him. "We made a mistake. We will make do, but this baby is not a mistake." She sighed, thinking about what she had to ask him. She wanted to ask Andrew, but with his knowledge and being there for Katrina, it was too much and everyone was watching him. "Now I need your help with the girls. We both know what will happen tomorrow."
"Why are you worried about Andrew and Katrina’s children when you are with child?" Maverick asked, shocked.
"Yes, my child is safe inside me and these girls are going to hell. I have a plan, but I need your help."
Maverick frowned. "Why don't you ask your man?" he asked sarcastically.
"I would, but you know how this is hitting him. And I think you know why it is. So I can't ask Jesse." She put her hands on her hips.
Maverick looked away, like he was trying to hide what he knew.
Izzy had wondered if MAverick had gotten Jesse out of the asylum. Now she knew. "You are one of a kind. You make your sister feel safe enough to talk. You help a brother hide a secret for years. And you got my fiancée out of hell. Is there anything you can't do?"
His face crumbled. Then in a split second he had no emotions. "This."
"I wish I could shut off my emotions like you do."
"You have in the past," he told her.
"Yeah, and I almost didn't feel again. Women are made a little different."
A soft smile came to his lips. "You got that right." His eyes turned dark. "You deserve better, Iz."
"Well, I am getting married in a week and I need you to make sure I am not in jail for my wedding." She folded her arms.
His eyes went wide. She could get reactions from him and it was fun. "I don't think I want to hear your plan, girl."
For the first time in as long as she could remember, she smiled. Then chuckled. Cole would call it her evil laugh when she had done something crazy. That was the same thing Cole would tell her when she came up with a grand idea. She missed this about working on the rescues. She missed the high rush of the job. "Will you do it?"
He narrowed his eyes and nodded like he was going to his death sentence. "But we stay out of jail."
She couldn't resist, she gave him a grin. "Aww, now, why would I do that?"
Maverick just shook his head.
Chuckling, Izzy told him her plan.
Chapter 40
Katrina put the last dish on the table. She didn't even know why she tried. Sara hardly ate and Carlissa ate so much she would throw up. Francesca would throw her food like a toddler. Lunch and supper time was turning into a war. Jesse and Izzy were pretty good at handling it, but they were at the Alexander ranch trying to find an answer to the court. She just wanted life to get back to normal. But what was normal? They didn't have time to make a routine longer than a couple of weeks.
The girls all sat and Andrew dished out the food for Carlissa. Katrina poured them sweet tea. Francesca drank it like she couldn’t get enough. She loved the sweetness along with the ice.
When Katrina sat, Andrew bowed his head and began to pray.
Katrina bowed her head but felt like a hypocrite. She had a hard time praying since the first day of court. All she could do was cry and weep for all she lost and all she was going to lose.
In the middle of the prayer, Francesca stopped him. "Why are you even prayin’, Pa?"
Andrew looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "Because I believe in God and believe He will work everythin’ out to His plans."
"What? What are His plans for Sara and Carlissa? To go back to that asylum? Cause it sure looks like it," Francesca yelled. "What is God's plan, Pa? What?"
Sara shuddered in her chair, sinking down like she was trying to hide from Francesca's rage. Her face was white with fear. Her hands started to sweat.
Carlissa looked indifferent as if none of this bothered her.
Andrew stood his ground. "I wish I knew God's plan, but I don't. I know He will never leave or forsake us." He cleared his throat. "The evilness in this world was brought on by sin. What we are fighting in court is due to the sin of man."
Katrina felt like such a hypocrite because she knew what he was saying was true but she wanted to argue as her daughter did. She pulled Carlissa closer to her side.
"I don't know why you pray!" Francesca stood up, her anger in full force now. "I have never seen what your God has done for me. I have slept with many church family men. I have slept with preachers, judges, and lawyers. And you tell me these men serve God. Pastor Peter says the girls need to go back to the asylum. What ya think of that?”
Katrina saw Carlissa start to panic and maybe even go into a terror, so she pulled Carlissa into her arms. Carlissa held onto her tight and curled up like she could hide in Katrina's arms forever. Katrina had no words. She couldn't speak, for all she wanted to do was shout at Andrew the same way. Why was God taking her babies? Why?
"Honey, I know many men and even women have hurt you." He paused. "You need to calm down. I wish I could give back what has been stolen from you. I wish I could answer your questions on why some people call themselves God's people and are anything but that. God does say He will look at the men who do so much in the name of God, and He will say He never knew them. He will judge every person who has hurt His children. All I know is the men like Peter believe the world's lie."
Sara stood up and walked outside. She couldn't handle it anymore. Katrina knew one of the brothers was out there so she wouldn't go far.
Francesca stood and shook her head. "Tell me what your God has done for me. For Sara and Carlissa. I hate you and your God." She picked up her glass and threw the sweet tea at him. She set it down and ran upstairs. Normally she ran outside to the barn, but with the boys all around the land, she was staying inside more often. Katrina thought it might help to have the brothers all around. It kept her children in a better mood and in the house.
The ice tea hit Andrew's face and ran down his chest. His face was full of shock and distress.
Katrina could not believe Francesca had just done that. She knew if Carlissa didn't eat soon she would go into a rage. She took a piece of bread and handed it to Carlissa who was still curled up in her lap. She took it and started nibbling on it.
"Well, at least it wasn't full," Andrew said dryly, taking his napkin and wiping it up. "And it tastes good." He licked his lips.
Katrina chuckled and then full out laughed along with Andrew.
Carlissa chuckled. "You are awful funny, Pa."
His eyes danced with humor. "I am so glad I can amuse you, darlin'." He stood
and picked her up carefully so as not to get her sticky, giving her kisses on the cheek till she giggled. Then he sat her in the chair. "Eat up, Punkin. I need to talk to your mama."
Katrina kissed her head. "Want me to warm the plate?" It had gone lukewarm.
She took a bite. "Nah, I should get used to eating cold food. Soon I won't be able to eat any food at all." She took another bite. "Sara says I should get used to being hungry. She says she won't be there. But she is always there."
Katrina closed her eyes and was glad her little girl couldn't see the pain on her face. She knew where Sara would be and didn't want to think about it. She didn't know how her children could just talk of their past like it was nothing. No emotion whatsoever. How they could talk of going back like it was nothing. Carlissa seemed to do so much better. Was it because she knew Katrina would be out of her life soon enough so she wasn't a threat anymore?
Katrina stood up and walked over to the sink with him. Taking the warm water already on the stove and putting soap into it, she took a wash rag and wiped his chest.
He took her hands that rested on his chest, his eyes on her and not the work. “Katrina,” he whispered.
She kept her eyes on their hands. She knew something was on his mind. She was pretty sure it had to do with his talk with Francesca. She suddenly felt like a child going to get set straight. She didn't really want to. She just hated feeling this hopelessness.
"Katrina, talk to me," he whispered so lightly.
She tried to pull away. He knew how to hold her. She knew she needed to be this close to him. They had talked about not letting things or the children divide them. Andrew had been meeting her needs and now he was trying his best to do it again. She closed her eyes and nodded. When she pulled away, he let her go. With Carlissa eating behind them, she didn't want anyone to know her doubts. Her face in grief, she signed, "I can't tell you what I think! I am too ashamed because I wanted to yell at you with my daughter. I don't see what God is trying to do. I just don't.”
Liberty Ranch Page 30