Andrew shook his head, in such sadness. He signed, "I should have known you were struggling. I am sorry. What we need to do is get back to God." He took her hands again. "Let's just ask Him what He is trying to do. Let's take this to prayer. To the Lord. He will answer, baby."
Katrina put her head on their hands and again let the tears flow but this time it was in prayer. She cried in her heart. Repenting for not trusting Him. She had been a rebellious daughter. Her sobs came harder as she prayed. God, I give you my babies. Do with them what You will. They are all yours. Feeling a peace in her heart, she knew she had been right to do this. should have done it a long time ago. But her heart still hurt for her babies.
JESSE HAD NEVER KNOWN nightmares like this before. He was afraid of sleep. He was staying in his dreams. It made him feel sick and he thought he would throw up. He hadn't slept in days. waking up nightmares and being there for Izzy as she thought of ways to win in court. After the second court hearing, he didn't know if he could take it anymore. Living in the memories, he was about to break.
Walking to the barn, he found the bottle in the hayloft. He figured Francesca had been drinking again. He took the bottle, looking at the amber liquid. If he took a couple sips the memories would fade. He looked around; anyone could walk in. He didn't have any time alone. So he mounted and rode to the south of the ranch.
Not really paying attention, he ended up at the place where Izzy and he had talked honestly for the first time. Dismounting, he leaned against the large rock, feeling like he was going to throw up. So many bad memories clouded in. One took him away. He let his mind run and thought about it. It was a couple weeks after he got to the asylum. They had kept him in a small cell, all brick. His backside and sides had sores all over from the cement floor. He had never been so alone. Even on the streets, he had been with Pedro. It was a loneliness that went deep into his soul. Then an older boy in the asylum came into his cell, feeding him and telling him to keep quiet. Who would he tell? No one cared. Molestation started and he hated it, but it made the loneliness bearable. He felt so guilty over it. So filthy and helpless. He was one of the smallest boys there, especially for his age. Ellen said his weight might be because of his starvation on the streets. One memory was so bad, he had forgotten it. He couldn't go there. Last night he had remembered it in the few hours before he went to sleep. Holding the neck of the bottle, he almost took off the lid. The memory came back to him now. He closed his eyes and threw up, feeling utterly destroyed and hopeless. God, why did you allow it to happen? I can't deal with this anymore.
Feeling so hopeless he took the top of the bottle off and smelled the amber drink. He knew it would sting going down, but it would make him forget the pain.
He held it to his lips and then heard a voice. "That ain't gonna help what ails ya!"
In a daze he wondered if he heard God, then he looked to see Juan Jose walking up. He held the bottle, fighting the anger. "What, are you checkin’ up on me?"
"No, I wanted to make sure you were all right." He leaned against a tree. "You drink that and you will never get Izzy's trust back again."
"What do you know?" Jesse yelled.
"I know you are fighting nightmares. I know you are having a hard time sleeping or functioning during the day. I know the hearing is making you remember things you haven't remembered in years. Am I right?" Juan Jose looked relaxed, like he could take what Jesse gave out. Well, he had already proved he could.
Jesse shook his head.
"You want to tell me what haunts you?" Juan Jose asked gently.
Jesse shook his head, his rage taking over.
"Since there ain't a brother here you can speak to, I might be your only choice for a while," Juan Jose tried again.
Jesse felt like his heart would explode. He threw the bottle against the tree, watching it shatter like his heart. His soul had been so damaged. The one he would go to to get advice was Andrew or Matt. However, Andrew was a mess. Matt wouldn't be back for weeks. Juan Jose cared. He could tell by his actions. He was a kindred heart, Ellen would say. "You're right. I can't deal with the nightmares. They are all there. I kept it out of my mind for years, but now it came all back and I can't deal with it. It makes me sick." He looked away, feeling like a coward, feeling so low and vulnerable.
Juan Jose spoke softly. "Ask God where He was in the painful place. Ask Him to show you. Ask Him to heal you from it."
Jesse looked into his eyes. "The most painful place?" He didn't know if he could.
Juan Jose nodded. "You need not tell me anything. Just ask God how He cared."
Jesse fell to his knees on the dry ground. Juan Jose kneeled next to him and put a hand on his shoulder as Jesse sobbed. This was a new healing cry to the only One who could touch the hard places. God, where were You when all those boys attacked me? Where were You when I was taken? I felt so alone! He prayed, then listened. He didn't know what he was waiting for, but he just waited silently.
Then he saw it. The older boys attacked him and held him down. It was like he was watching it happen from outside his body. He had felt so helpless to stop it. He screamed, but no one came to his aid. This time though, he knew God was inside him. Feeling his pain, feeling his bruises and his brokenness. God had felt every pain he felt, every feeling he had felt that night and so long after.
He cried like he had never cried before. This was the first time he cried and he could feel his heart heal and coming back together in one piece.
Then he saw a broken boy who was wearing rags, skin and bones with sunken eyes. Lice and fleas covered him. He was walking towards the plantation, towards his first and only home. Ellen was running out to him like in the prodigal son. He could still remember her warm, caring arms come around him. He would never forget that. He had wished for it for so long. She just held him covered in dirt, feces, and vermin, not caring. She just held and rocked him. He could still remember her tears in his hair. He often wondered if she was crying for him or for losing Pedro. He knew now Ellen cried for him and all the pain. In everything, his mama loved him. God had been there for him even in the worst moments and then given him a mama and a godly caring pa in Ben. God had blessed him with a family.
Chapter 41
Walking arm in arm, Izzy gazed at the setting sun. Another day had ended and the hearing was still not over. She feared for it to be done, because when it was, the girls would be gone. Unless a miracle happened. And they could use a big miracle. One that would stop this town short and open their eyes. Izzy and Jesse talked lightly of the case, their wedding, and everyday things.
Jesse tried to keep things light as they walked around the pond. As he noticed her look like she had a ton of weight on her shoulders, he said, “Hey, we will get through this.”
Izzy nodded and looked at him. “That is because we don’t have a choice. Starry’s always do what they have to.”
Jesse stopped and took her in his arms. “You got that right,” he muttered in her hair. The sun was dropping below the mountains and it was getting chilly. He took her chin in his hand. Gazing into her beautiful face, he couldn’t believe how he was blessed to have her want him. He was so unworthy. The orange from the sun shone on her face. Her brown eyes were like bright stars. Her hair had a glow around it that made him want to run his fingers through it.
Glancing at Jesse, she noticed a peace in him, something she hadn’t seen in him before. What was it? He resisted and held her close, where she couldn’t go help the girls or answer to someone’s need. She could just be safe in his arms. He was slow as he pecked her lips. It was a quiet, sweet kiss.
Izzy leaned into it and wanted more when he pulled away.
He just smiled softly at her. “We should head in, Angel.” If they didn’t, he was going to do something he would regret. He had already made so many mistakes with her. He was doing things right this time around. God’s way.
Izzy followed him. As exhausted as she was, she felt safe in his arms.
By the time they got to the d
oor, the stars were coming out. Jesse leaned against the door, looking very content.
“Why don’t you come in for some coffee?” Izzy invited him. “Katrina is probably still up. The poor girl never sleeps anymore.”
“Aww, not tonight.” He pushed a curl behind her hair and let his hand rest on her shoulder. “I am doing what I told Francesca I would do. Not in just words, but actions.”
Izzy looked confused. “What is that?”
He leaned close and whispered in her ear. “I am honoring you. Protecting you.”
Izzy looked down. “You don’t trust me.”
Jesse gave a soft laugh. “No, I trust you,” he muttered. “I don’t trust myself. I am weak in the flesh. I love you and want the best for you. Iz, I am doing it God’s way.”
Izzy’s eyes softened as she met his gaze.
For Jesse, gazing into those eyes was like getting lost in a wonderful place. He could tell she was trusting him. He had to go, he kept telling himself. But he stood there, just gazing into her eyes.
“Juan Jose got to you, didn’t he?” Izzy winked.
Jesse’s eyes widened. “How did you know?”
Izzy softly laughed. “I know my cousin in the making. He has brought the life to your eyes I always knew was there. Ellen told me you would open up one day, and it probably wouldn’t be me making that happen.”
He looked away, then back at her. “Juan Jose helped me let go of some demons.”
“He is good at that.” She placed a hand on his chest. “It’s cold tonight. I will get you an extra blanket.” Then she rushed back inside and came back a couple moments later.
Jesse thanked her and then told her, “You need to get some sleep tonight. Don’t let Kat drain you anymore.”
Izzy shrugged. “I don’t run out of energy.”
Jesse’s eyes narrowed. He didn’t believe that for a second. “Tell me you will go to bed or I will make sure Kat makes you do it. You know I can.”
Izzy shook her head. “Fine, but I probably won’t sleep.” She folded her hands. “I am dreading tomorrow.”
Jesse took her icy hands and bowed his head. “Lord, protect Izzy tonight. Comfort her and let her sleep peacefully. Hold her in Your protection. Give the whole family peace. Lord God, protect Your children. Protect the girls. Keep them safe. We trust You to do your will. Your will be done in this situation. Amen.”
Izzy felt peace come over her. Too emotional to speak, she blew him a kiss and walked away. Entering the kitchen, she saw her mother, Annie, and Katrina sitting at the table enjoying coffee. Suddenly she was feeling the cold seep into her and it had nothing to do with the night. It smelled like Katrina had brought out Gloria’s peach pie.
“What are you doing here at this late hour? I didn't see your wagon,” Izzy asked.
Annie got up and smiled brightly, “Oh, Sawyer is just getting it for us.” She smiled brighter. “Guess what?” She almost giggled. “Mama is with child!”
Izzy's eyes went to her mother who still sat at the table. “Wow, this is a surprise. What does Marshall think?”
Rosa didn’t meet her gaze, almost fearful. “I haven’t telegraphed him yet. I am just so surprised.”
Izzy’s hand under her coat went to her flat stomach where the baby was safe. Safe from her mother’s indifference. “You can say that again.”
Katrina gave her a sympathetic look. Almost like pity.
Annie frowned. “Well, you don’t seem too excited, Iz.”
Izzy eyes narrowed. “I am just so happy. Can’t you tell?” Every word dripped with rough sarcasm. She wanted out. Where was Cole or Jesse when she needed them? What would Cole say? This child shouldn’t grow up with an indifferent mother. Would Marshal love and cherish this baby? Or be as emotionless as their mother. “Well, I wonder if Marshal will protect this child.”
“Whatever do you mean?” Annie asked.
“What do you think? He watched us get beat for years and then he married Ma, after doing nothin.”
Annie crossed her arms. “Marshal loves us,” She muttered. “You never liked him. You didn’t even come to the wedding. Cole came.”
Izzy rolled her eyes. Cole only went to the wedding because he was already on his way home from Alabama. Right after the wedding, he went to Colorado instead of staying like he normally did. Actually she loved Marshal and that was why when he saw her bruises and did nothing, it hurt more than words could say. She wasn’t ready for all this. Tears came to her eyes. She turned to leave and met her mother’s eyes for just a second before Rosa looked away. “I will love this baby, you know that. That means I won't stand by if she or he gets hurt.” She felt nauseous. “I just hope this baby has a better life than we did, because this child is wanted by his siblings.” And just like she thought, her mother’s eyes didn’t change. No emotion crossed her face. Izzy covered her mouth from a sob and ran to her room.
Throwing herself on the bed, she sobbed. Her mother didn’t want or deserve another child. Pulling her knees up, she put her arms around her belly protecting her beloved child. God, help me. Help my beloved baby and mamma’s baby. Take this cold away, Lord. Heal my heart. She fell asleep and for the first time since the trial started, she slept peacefully.
KATRINA PLAYED WITH a piece of string in her hands. Izzy had given it to her, saying it would help with the nervousness. Katrina wanted to tell her it was more like heart-wrenching pain. The wire wouldn’t mold in her hands.
Glancing behind her eyes met Julia who had just walked in. Katraina gave a wink smile then glanced back up front.
The judge sat, looking over the crowd. He didn't show any emotions. "Well, for the final time the Denver asylum will present their case on why the girls should be with them."
Mr. Heyman stood. "Thank you, Judge." He walked to the front. "You might think I am not a moral man. I do run a place that is a little hard to live in, but I ask, would you want these dangerous children to live in your town, your homes, and to be your neighbors? These girls are young, but they need so much more care and help. More help than the Starrys can give. I made the asylum for children like this. You know as well as I do, that touched children are created by the devil. They are not meant to have normal families. There is a reason I have them, their own parents didn't want them or couldn't handle them. You don't want strangers coming to your town seeing touched children in your stores, blacksmiths, or church. Of course, you don't. It would bring shame to everyone. People like Sara and Carlissa are not made to be seen by the public unless they want to look through my asylum. They are not meant to live in a family. It is not how America does things. We don't want this to change. All I ask is that you ask yourself if you want two touched children to live dangerously in your town or safely in an asylum." He sat down.
Maverick stood up, looking in full control, his emotions shut off. "You had some well-meaning points, if that is what you meant. Some children need more care and structure than a family gives, and so they go to Liberty House, where they live on structure. The touched children do very well in their care. If Mr. Heyman’s asylum was like a home or provided any care, then I would support him if the girls needed to go to a place like that, but they do not. And his place is nothing good." He looked down at the paper in his hands. "I would like all the children to leave and some sensitive women. Everything I have to say is true, and it is not for the weak of heart." He waited for the children and some of the people to leave, while others leaned forward. The room held an early silence as Maverick began to speak. “I want y’all to close your eyes.” His speech was slow and smooth with no hint of an accent. “Imagine a child born the way God made them. In His image, no matter how they came out. Imagine a perfect child that just wants love. Really only wants food and care, a kind touch. But this baby is left for days without food or being left in a mess. It leaves them to stop trusting anyone because no one met their needs. It changes their young body and brain to go without. As the child becomes older he wants love. He needs a kind touch. He doesn’t have t
oys to play with. So being a child who doesn’t know better, he plays with the body of a baby who passed away too early.” He heard women sob and men gasp, but he continued. No one could say anyone in this town didn’t know the truth of an asylum life. “He doesn’t know what it is or can’t see the life that was taken too early. As he grows up he becomes...”
Katrina closed her eyes. She wanted to cover her ears and shut it out, but she didn't. She listened to every word Maverick spoke.
It made her slowly weep for she had heard nothing worse. It made her dizzy, listening to the pain her girls and so many others had suffered. Her heart felt like she was going to break. It was worse than the pain of the fire. It filled her whole being. It made her whole body ache.
Maverick finished with, “Now I want you to picture in your mind this is your son or your daughter.”
Juan Jose was next to stand up and take the stand. He was confident and sure. He had an air about him that was powerful but also humble. “I can say a lot up here on what I have done in life to help the touched. I can say what I feel about the touched, but I would rather tell you what God feels about the touched. And that means all of them, and not the ones you pick. Children are born to shine, love, and live. They want to learn to love and not hate. When their whole world is hate and anger, are you surprised that they are filled with it? God adopted them into His Family. He chooses each person for a purpose, we just have to listen to it. Here is what God tells us about His children: ‘For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but YE HAVE RECEIVED THE SPIRIT OF ADOPTION, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together . . . And not only they but ourselves also, which have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, WAITING FOR THE ADOPTION, to wit, the redemption of our body. Children were fearfully and wonderfully made. Being the image of God is the title of both honor and humility. Now, therefore, ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints, and of the household of God. The Lord takes pleasure in His people.’” He paused. “Pleasure means acceptance. He delights in us and wants us to serve Him. He did not create us to be alone or forsaken. He wants us to love one another as we love Him. He called for us to care for the fatherless. As you well know, many touched are fatherless due to illness and abandonment.” He was about to step down when he finished with, “I will end with what God feels about His children. May we all see children through God’s eyes. ‘THE LORD KNOWETH THEM THAT ARE HIS. And, Let everyone that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity.’”
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