Katrina sat hard in the chair, sighed, wiping her eyes with a hankie. “Mabel’s right. I would love to know my girls’ mothers. They would see them again one day, whether in heaven or here on earth. I would have loved to know I would see my parents one day again, but I don’t know if I will. Believe and you will see your babies. Because they are in heaven where Jesus is holding them tightly in His arms,” she told her gently, though she didn’t feel it.
Maryanne let the first tear come. She wiped it away.
Mabel took her hands in hers. “Let them come, hon. Let them come, it’s time to mourn.”
Maryanne looked at them. “I threw my precious babies away for what the world said was right. I believed the lie and lost my children.” She sobbed like she couldn’t handle it any longer.
Katrina touched her head. “My mama gave me away to get more out of life. Your children are in a better place.”
Maryann looked up like she couldn’t believe her ears. “Thank you, dear girl.”
Chapter 44
As Izzy sat on the sofa in Cole’s parlor, she had never felt so relaxed with her mom in the room. Her mom sat in the chair looking indifferent while Cole and Julia softly talked on the sofa. Annie and Sawyer sat in chairs as they glared at each other. They had something big between them. At last Jaun Jose walked in and stood by the door.
"So why are we here?" Jesse asked, looking content, acting so much more confident than he felt.
"To talk about the rumors," Annie snapped.
Izzy shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about it. Even Pastor Pete is on our side now. The rumors will end." She cocked her head. "One day."
"That might work for you, but do you know what she is saying about the brothers?" Annie glared at her.
"What is Francesca doing now?" Cole asked, bored. He leaned his head against his hands.
Izzy shrugged again, like it was no big deal. "Oh, you know neighbors, they love to talk. They ask Fran questions." She winked at her brother. "You know she lets them believe some of the lies."
Cole grinned. "I reckon that is so." None of it was a laughing matter, but after what they had been through, it was so great to laugh. They had so much to be thankful for. Even if healing from this would take years, they could heal and that was what counted.
"This ain't funny. She is telling people that the only reason she is at the ranch is so the brothers can..." Annie couldn't finish the sentence. They all knew the rumors.
"Let it go, Annie. It will go away," Izzy told her.
"Well, you don't have to live here. You are going to the mountains," Annie said bitterly.
Cole opened his mouth, but Sawyer stepped in. "Leave your sister alone. I agree the rumors will end. Unless you believe them?"
Annie bit her lip in anger. "You know I don't, but what if it happens?"
Sawyer's eyes widened. "I am married to you and will always be. I will never look at another woman. Let alone one that is my brother's child."
Annie looked away. "She ain't no child."
Sawyer took her chin in her hand and looked at her. "Maybe in body she is a woman." He tapped her gently on the head. "But inside she is a child."
Annie didn't look convinced.
Izzy leaned back and looked at Jesse.
He leaned back and enjoyed just looking at her. He was serious. "I reckon this is how Ellen felt when we lied about her."
Izzy knew Jesse and Matt had made up most of the lies, while Andrew's lies had stuck longer. No one really cared what no-accounts kids thought, but Andrew had a name. His rumors stuck. "She lived through it and so will we."
"The rumors don't bother you?" Jesse asked, concerned for her.
Izzy winked at him. She was thankful for his concern, but mostly rumors were her entire life. "You are asking the girl that was told she was buying other women with her abuser. I was also told I deserved what I got for not being a normal girl and staying at home. I was too wild at heart."
Jesse flinched at her words, but he smiled lightly and touched her cheek. "I fell in love with that wild free spirit."
Izzy giggled softly.
Jesse's eyes turned so soft. "Do you know what Ben always said?"
Izzy loved hearing what his parents had taught him. It was like getting to know him better. "Mmmm?"
"He always said you knew you had a woman's heart by hearing her giggle." Jesse winked at her. His eyes were peaceful. "Missy always had that giggle."
Izzy's heart melted. To know Missy had been through some rough times and still had a giggle was wonderful. "You know my aunt taught me I will know my man by the look in his eyes. I saw that look when you were protecting me."
Jesse sighed. "I am so glad."
Annie yelled something at Sawyer. It surprised Izzy that Cole or Juan Jose was not trying to stop their arguing.
Jesse must have seen her look, and he breathed, "They should try to do things our way. We are a perfect couple." He sighed. "We did everything right."
Izzy burst out laughing, for that was the farthest thing from the truth.
Annie looked over at her. "Is there something funny?"
Izzy just shook her head and laughed harder. Jesse joined her. It was so good to laugh. She hadn’t known if she would get her laugh back.
After everyone turned serious, Juan Jose found a seat. "I thought we should all talk."
Suddenly Izzy tensed. She didn't like family talks, they didn't end well. She crossed her arms, feeling the cold come into her.
"Well, I thought we could talk of past issues and maybe bring things out into the open." Juan Jose looked at Rosa. She was pale. "We are all family here and it is time we act like it. I think as couples y'all are having issues."
When they all argued, Cole spoke up. "What Juan Jose means is we need to talk better without a partner. We need to know why they might be strugglin’. It might help to bring stuff out into the open."
Jesse looked at Izzy. Izzy looked at him questioningly and then shook her head. She did not want her mama knowing about her child.
Rosa looked to Izzy. "What is this about? Has something happened, Izzy?"
"Izzy always does something," Annie snapped.
"Annie, stop it." Sawyer told her. "She has been more supportive this time than anyone. I think we need to bring to light what has been eatin’ you."
Annie pulled her hand away, glaring at him. "I just didn't want you being at the ranch all the time. I told you not to go."
"I told you, when a Starry needs help there are no questions asked. We just do what they need," Sawyer tried again.
Izzy looked to Juan Jose, which was not helping. Rosa kept looking at her oddly. She couldn't handle it. All she knew was she would love this child, unlike her mother did for her. She looked down, closing her eyes against the threatening tears . Her child would have it all. She knew there would be struggles, fights, and hard times, but the child would have a mother's love that she had lacked. She put a hand over her flat stomach.
With Annie and Sawyer still bickering, Rosa gasped. "No, no it can't be!"
The entire room went silent. Izzy met her mother's eyes, so much like hers. Her mother's eyes were wide with shock and pain. She closed her eyes and held her head in her hands. "No, no, child."
Her response shocked Izzy. "What do you care? Are you embarrassed I am carryin’ your grandchild?" She made a hard laugh. "Well, I wasn't expectin’ you to be much of a grandma. So I don't care what you think of me or my child."
Rosa just shook her head over and over.
"How could you do that, Izzy?" Annie looked disgusted. "You have brought shame to the family."
Sawyer took her hand again to quiet her. Donovan women didn't get quiet often.
Izzy just shook her head. "Brought shame like the time they took me." Her voice was hard. "When I came back, everyone was afraid I would be with child because of what those men did to me. Well, I have a child now. And I want this child. I want this child more than I want my own life."
Annie was about to
come back, but Juan Jose spoke. "Stop it, Annie. We will not cause more pain." He tried to get her to see. "We have a child to think of in this room. He or she will never be told they are unwanted. Even unborn."
Izzy looked at Juan Jose. "How did you know?"
Juan Jose looked to Jesse and then back. "I didn't know for sure, but I wondered. I think we need to work as a family before Jesse and Izzy leave to start their new life."
Jesse spoke up. He took Izzy's hand. "I was the one in the wrong. I wasn't leading Izzy properly. Don't blame Iz." He looked to Juan Jose and then back to them all. "We are takin’ responsibility. I want to lead my bride and child God's way from now on."
Izzy glanced at him.
Rosa finally looked up at Izzy. She seemed so aged, so hurt. "I am so sorry, child. I am just so sorry."
Izzy pulled her legs up to her chest. She tried to pull her hand away from Jesse, but he didn't let her go. She was feeling cold, and tried looking anywhere but at her mother.
"Sorry for what?" Cole asked.
Rosa shook her head. "I messed up so much of my life. I let my man hurt my children. I caused so much pain to you all."
"You tried your best, Mama," Annie said.
Rosa shook her head. "No, I was wrong. I was a terrible mother. I need to ask you to forgive me." She looked right at Izzy.
Izzy couldn't believe what was happening. All she knew was she couldn't do it. Everything in her hated her mother. She just shook her head and held her legs tighter.
Rosa looked so broken. "I understand, I have caused so much pain, but I need to tell y'all somethin’." She looked around. "I hadn't ever told anyone this. I was young when I met your father, he was many years older. I was naïve and in love with him, though I knew he was not a believer. I knew it was wrong, but I was angry at my parents. I wanted them to pay for hurting me. So, I got pregnant."
Cole stared at her in shock like the others. "You conceived me before you were married?"
Rosa nodded. "I wanted you. I always did. When I told your pa, he hit the roof. It was the first time he hit me. I felt shocked but knew I didn't have much of a choice but to marry him. So, I did."
Cole looked so broken. "That is why he hated me. He blamed me for having to get married."
Rosa nodded. "He wanted Amy. And then he said no more children. Then the twins came. I felt so alone but I wanted you both. Izzy, you have to believe that."
All of this was a shock to Izzy, to realize her mama had done the same thing she had done. She just shook her head in disbelief. "You're so wrong! I don't believe you. I don't think you wanted me." She stood up, feeling like she couldn't take much more. "You never wanted me. I was your shamed, abused, Mexican daughter." She walked to the doorway to the kitchen but stopped when Cole softly told her to stop.
Rosa stood up and walked closer to her. "I love you. I loved you so much I couldn't show it. You were such a strong child. And then you got hurt. I didn’t know how to help. I was..."
Izzy stared at her. She had too many questions to stop now.
"My uncle raped me," Rosa cried out.
Izzy just stared at her mother, feeling crushed. Leaning heavily on the wall, she just couldn't believe it.
Rosa's whole body shook. "I was in grief over what happened when I met your father. No one knew what had happened. I never told anyone."
Izzy stared at her, feeling so cold, so much hate. She thought she could never see her mother again and she would be just fine. "You were raped?" she whispered. "You must have really hated me!" she yelled. "Do you know how much I wanted you then? Do you know how much I wanted a person to understand my pain?" She walked into the kitchen, and then turned her back to her. Her whole body was shaking. "How much did you hate me? I felt so rejected by you when I came back. It had ruined me. I felt worthless in your eyes. I hated you. I hate you." She slipped down to the door, sobs overtaking her body.
Rosa sat next to her on the floor, not touching her. "Please forgive me. I love you." She said it so softly.
Izzy looked at her through teary eyes. The cold was deep in her bones, more than ever before. "When Jesse and I slept together, I felt cheap and used again," she admitted softly through sobs.
Rosa nodded. "I felt the same way. I knew I was wrong, but I kept doing it. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel love. I wanted to escape the feelin’ my abuser put on me."
Izzy shook her head. "Why did you tell me now? I wanted you so much then," she yelled. "I felt so alone. I went to Colorado to heal. It was like you had abandoned me all over again."
"I am so sorry." Rosa met her eyes, tears pouring down her face. "I wanted to talk to you. I knew you were so broken. But I couldn't, my mind and body had tried so hard to forget that I couldn't bring it up. I just wanted you to heal. I know I didn't heal. So I thought sending you away from the memories of the abuse would help. I thought of you every day." She stopped talking and took her hand. "That first night those men took you, a part of my soul died." Rosa let the tears flow, for the first time Izzy had ever seen. "I knew what was happening to my baby and I couldn't stop it. I knew your pain and I know your pain now, baby."
Izzy shook as sobs overtook her body. For the first time, she could remember her mama holding her. She felt like she was on fire, feeling so much hate for this woman. Also, much love under layers and layers of bitterness. It was there, like a candle that had been burned out. But could always be re-lit.
Beloved daughter, give me your pain. I can heal the brokenhearted and mend their wounds.
It was like she was being held by her Father. It was like Father God was holding her in His big arms. She still felt cold. Deep eating cold. She knew she had to let it go. It was so hard.
My beloved daughter, I have given you the power of love. The power of forgiveness. Give Me your pain.
She felt like her heart was dividing. Never had she felt such pain. Not even after coming back home. She felt like she could finally be free from the cold. "Mama, I love you." She wrapped her arms around her. "I forgive you, mama."
Rosa cried all the harder. "Oh, thank you, Father God. Thank you, baby."
Izzy felt emotionally drained but so free. The coldness was gone. It had been there since she had been kidnapped. For the first time, she felt warmth.
Chapter 45
The room smelled of flowers and sweet perfume as Izzy’s hair was done up in curls. She was still in her undergarments when she heard a knock on the door. She put a robe on, and then opened the door. Katrina walked in carrying a large box, and Annie and Mabel followed.
Katrina put the box on the bed. She took Izzy's hand. "You don't know how much your knowledge and your support has helped me these last months. I could never repay you for what your friendship has meant to me. I love you as a sister. "She smiled. “And now you will be."
Izzy hugged her, feeling so light.
Mabel stood next to Katrina. "You have come to mean so much to me. We wanted you to have something special, so this is a little token of our love for you."
Izzy hugged her and then turned to the box. She opened the lid, moving the tissue to find a white dress. She picked it up, holding it to her chest, feeling for the first time like she could wear white proudly. Pulling the dress out, she saw the length was perfect. "Thank you so much. I love it." She pushed her curls away from her eyes.
Hugging them both again, Mabel whispered, "You are a white pure treasure."
Izzy's eyes watered, looking at this older woman who meant so much to her in such a short time. Izzy heard another knock; Katrina opened the door to find Rosa.
For the first time Izzy could remember, the coldness was gone and love was there.
Rosa hugged her like she meant it. "Jesse is such a blessed man."
Izzy blushed. "Want to help me get into this thing?"
"It would be an honor."
The others filed out to get ready. Katrina said something about Sara having a meltdown over the color she had to wear.
After helping her into the dr
ess, Izzy noticed that Rosa also looked stunning. Her skirt was a bright blue, ruffled full and wide to, cover her growing belly. The blouse was of the same color with beads. Her hair hung down in curls, looking so elegant. "I have somethin’ for you." She held out her hand and placed a bracelet on Izzy’s wrist. "I wore this when I married Marshall. He was my soulmate, though I didn't know it on that day. And now we are having our first child together."
Tears ran down her face. She hugged her tightly. “Mama, I am excited.”
Rosa squealed like a young bride and mother. “Me too. Now let’s finish this.” She took the necklace and placed it on her wrist. It had little hearts all around it, and one little red jewel in the center. She looked in the mirror as her mama hugged her side. The dress was pure white satin, so soft. It had a round neckline, with lace around it along with little white flowers. The bodice and the skirt on one line had a little white flower down to the floor. The train was long and had flowers covering it. She wore Jesse's necklace, holding her ring on it. The dress made her look like an angel. She knew she had a bump, but the dress hid it. She knew she couldn't hide it much longer, which is why she needed to get to the mountains, though she would never hide her child from anyone.
Rosa put a hand over Izzy’s flat stomach and smiled in delight. "I will always love this child. I will try to be a good grandma." She placed a hand over her own belly. "Who thought I would get a chance at being a proper mother."
Izzy felt so much love for her and the little one. "It will be like they are twins far away."
"Well." Rosa smiled like she had a secret. "I was telegraphing with Marshall, he is coming for a visit." She laughed, looking years younger. "I plan to talk to him about staying for a while."
Izzy hugged her. "Oh, Mama, I would love that." Hearing a knock, they turned as Cole walked in.
"Almost ready?" He rolled his eyes and drawled, "I should know having two daughters, girls are never ready."
Rosa gave him a playful pat. "Be nice to your sister." She winked at Izzy. "I love you, girl."
Izzy sighed constantly. "I love you too, Mama."
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