The Big F

by Maggie Ann Martin

  “When I say action, you guys should just go for it. I’ll let you know if we need less. For now, more is more,” the director said.

  I nodded and looked back at Porter. He looked even more conflicted, and his eyes were searching mine, looking for any doubt that I might still have.

  “I’m okay,” I said. “Let’s do this for real.”

  “You sure?” he asked.

  “Action!”

  I reached out for his thigh, and Porter raised his eyebrows. I started to lean in toward him, and he matched my movement. My whole body was shaking in anticipation, and I couldn’t tell anymore if it was scared or excited. We stopped short, feeling the electricity in our breath. I closed my eyes and let my body out of its misery by giving in. It was a light touch at first before he kissed me deeper. I instinctively scooted closer to him. I wasn’t sure how long it had been before he pulled away, looking at me curiously.

  “Hey,” he whispered just to me. I leaned in again, pressing my lips against his harder. I felt his fingers trail up my neck and lock behind my head. My nerve endings were on fire, and my hands started to move involuntarily. They found his knees naturally, and he shifted when I touched him.

  “Cut!” the director yelled, pulling us back into reality. We separated but didn’t break eye contact. Every part of me wanted to reach back to him, but I crossed my arms and legs as we listened to the director talk. “That was very good. I don’t know what more we should try. Could I have you drape your legs across his lap? Good. Yes, like that. Now I want you to tuck his hair behind his ear and laugh. You can tell jokes for all I care. This is a little subtler if the editors want to keep it PG.”

  How PG-13 had we been? My legs were in his lap; I felt his thumb start stroking my calf, and my whole body shivered. I took my hand from the back of the bench and ran it through his hair. His little smirk was making me smile too, and I honestly didn’t know what was coming over me.

  “You know what I keep thinking about?” he said.

  “What?”

  He leaned in a little, and my stomach flopped thinking we’d kiss again. He stopped to whisper in my ear. “That we’ll get the best donuts ever in the special extras tent.”

  I laughed out loud and could feel his laughter in his stomach against my legs. He gripped me tighter around the waist, and I let my legs rest more comfortably against his torso.

  “Cut!”

  The director took time to talk to Marcy and Ian for a while, and I took a piece of Porter’s shirt and twisted it in my fingers. He stared at me while I did this until I looked back up at him.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he smiled. The director had us doing variations of the same thing, never kissing again. Even though we never kissed, every part of my body that touched him lit up. It was almost more incredible when we weren’t quite touching and we could feel that same electricity moving between us.

  Suddenly, Porter shifted so my legs fell off his lap, and I followed his gaze. Luke and Zoe appeared around the corner, Zoe giving me a thumbs-up and Luke waving. They hadn’t seen the kiss, then. My stomach twisted into a giant knot, and I could barely look at Porter anymore. We finished out the takes with minimal touching, but my body still tingled, wanting desperately to reach back out to him. This was a problem. A major problem.

  I spent the rest of the shoot as far away from Porter as possible. I watched Zoe shoot a scene where she was a featured roller coaster rider. The fact that she didn’t throw up after riding the Cyclone fifteen times really impressed me. Each time Porter came into a tent where I was, I’d duck out. I knew we were acting, that we’d mutually agreed that it was for the movie, but I know if Luke or Zoe had seen that they would have asked questions.

  We stuck around until Noah’s scene was done for the day and piled into Porter’s Jeep. I ended up being squished in between Zoe and Noah in the back, and I played absentmindedly with my nails while Noah, Zoe, and Luke talked about their scenes. After everyone was done gabbing about their fun time, Porter turned the radio on and everyone either jammed out silently or sang along.

  Porter kept looking back at me in the rearview mirror, and I avoided him each time he tried to make eye contact. A few times he actually turned his head, but I pretended to be so deep in a conversation with Zoe that I couldn’t possibly respond.

  About a half hour away from home, Noah declared that he needed to go to the bathroom. Porter pulled off to a gas station to fill up while Noah used the bathroom. Luke offered to fill the car, and Zoe went inside to grab an iced coffee. Porter turned around after everyone left, and I had no choice but to look at him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine. Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Fine,” he said. “Things aren’t … weird with us now, are they?” he asked. His eyes searched mine again, and I thought it should be illegal for someone to look at another person that they weren’t romantically interested in that way.

  “No. It was acting; everything is fine,” I said.

  He nodded and turned back around. “Good. Glad we’re on the same page.”

  “Good,” I repeated.

  FASTER:

  acting, functioning, or moving quickly.

  In an effort to avoid Porter at all costs, I’d spent the past week planning elaborate dates with Luke and asking for more hours at Green Transitions than the bookstore. We’d worked one shift together since the movie set, and we barely spoke two words to each other. We should have never agreed to film that scene together. It ruined our friendship that we’d worked so hard to build.

  As part of the week of dates, Luke planned a nice dinner for us at the fanciest restaurant in town. Zoe, my personal designer, came over to get me ready in a ridiculous black dress and intricate updo. I mean, I didn’t look awful, but it definitely wasn’t my style.

  The headlights of Luke’s car shined through the front window, and my stomach burst with butterflies. Even though we had become familiar over the past two months, every time he came over I still got nervous. He rang the doorbell, and I wondered if he knew I was patiently waiting on the other side of the door for him that whole time. I breathed, trying to compose myself before swinging it open.

  “Hey,” I said. He smiled instantly, and that only made those butterflies flutter even harder. He looked dapper in his black dress pants and the red tie I’d helped him pick out earlier in the week.

  “Hi,” he said. We stood there for a few moments before I got the sense back into me to invite him inside.

  “Luke, don’t you look handsome!” Zoe said, passing by on the way outside. She was so good at keeping it cool in most moments. This was not one of those moments.

  “Hey, Zo,” he said. She wiggled past us and unlocked her car.

  “You two have a blast! I’m tempted to embarrass you more and take pictures!” she said.

  “Bye, Zoe!” I said, urging her to leave.

  “Fun killer!” she yelled back. She blew me a kiss as she pulled away, and Luke and I both laughed. We hopped into his car and headed off to Denton’s finest cuisine.

  Le Bistro came into view, and I clasped my hands. The last time I’d graced Le Bistro was after my graduation. So much had changed since then, not just me going to Ohio State but personally. It’s funny how things change so much in just a few months. He actually opened my door for me, which only added about a thousand more points to our cheese level for the night. It felt like we’d known each other forever, which we kind of had, and I felt safe with him. He even agreed to go to my cousin’s wedding with me, which was a huge leap into serious boyfriend territory.

  We sat at a secluded table away from the other customers. I had seen at least ten of my parents’ friends as we walked in and, for the first time since they knew me, I wasn’t completely embarrassed when I saw them. I had something to show off that was pretty great, if I did say so myself.

  “Olivia says hi,” he said as we looked over the menu.

  “That’s great! I
’ve missed talking to her,” I said. I had wondered what Olivia thought about all of this. I knew she remembered my giant crush from when we were kids, but now that it was actually coming to fruition she had to be freaking out a little bit.

  “She misses you too,” he said. He clasped his hands into fists and took a giant sip of water. “That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

  My stomach dropped. “You aren’t moving back, are you?”

  “Oh God no,” he said. I breathed again. “Actually the opposite. Our family has a little reunion at the end of the month where we all go out to my uncle’s place in Indiana. He has a huge ranch that we stay at. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me this year?”

  “Of course!” I said. He smiled, relieved, and took another sip of water.

  “You don’t have to if you don’t want, it’s just a nice way for you to meet everyone and see Olivia and the family again,” he said.

  “Yes, I would love to come,” I replied.

  “Really?” he asked. “You don’t have to say that just to be nice; if you really don’t want to go that’s fine.”

  I grabbed his wrist across the table. “Stop. I really want to go. I’ve already told you how much I’ve missed your family.”

  “You’re the best,” he said.

  “I try.” I smiled. The waitress came up to the table, and we both ordered Diet Cokes like the little kids that we were at heart. After she left behind the bread basket, Luke selected a giant breadstick and took a bite.

  “Porter and Emilie are coming too,” he said. “It should be a fun time.”

  “Emilie?” I asked.

  “Yeah, Porter’s sort-of girlfriend. She’s been hanging around our place more lately, and she overheard me talking about it and invited herself along,” he said.

  “I’ve never heard him talk about her,” I said. “Or anyone, for that matter.”

  “Don’t feel bad, he doesn’t really tell anyone anything,” he said. “He’d rather write everything in his little notebook, you know?”

  I nodded. “Yes, I do.”

  “Speaking of Porter, I think he’s gone for the weekend. He said something about his brother going to Chicago for the weekend and meeting up with him,” he said.

  “Oh?” I said, my heart racing. Sure, Luke and I had been getting to know each other better over the last few months, but we’d never broached the whole sex topic before. Luke didn’t like to talk about his past, and I was vastly unexperienced in mine.

  “We could go back to my place after dinner?” he asked.

  “Yeah, sure,” I said. My heart beat in my ears, and I felt this dread in the pit of my stomach. Luke and I were in college, and we had been dating for a few months, but most of our time together involved in-between moments fitted around his football training schedule. He was attractive, very much so, but I wasn’t entirely sure if I was ready for this step.

  The car ride back to his apartment was rather quiet. I waited for him to ask me what was wrong, but he never did. Every part of my body sparked with nervous energy, and I sat on my hands to keep them from visibly shaking. This was exciting, right? I was going to finally have sex—the true college experience. The thing that so many people my age were able to do so casually. It was no big deal.

  I followed Luke up to his apartment, my hand in his. Could he feel how sweaty it was? Or how fast my heart raced? Was his racing too?

  “Do you want a drink?” he asked.

  “No, I’m fine,” I replied quickly. His face turned down a bit. Would a drink make me feel better? More relaxed?

  “You do look so beautiful tonight,” he said, taking out the bobby pins that held my hair in Zoe’s updo. He set them down on the kitchen counter behind him without taking his eyes off me. I took in a shaking breath, and he brought my hand to his mouth. Slowly, he kissed up my arm. I sucked in a breath as he reached my neck, which gave him motivation to reach my mouth. I stood still as his mouth moved against me, his arms starting to envelop me. The same nervous energy sparked at higher volumes.

  “Who would have thought after all these years that I would end up with Dani Cavanaugh?” He smiled. He meant it in a nice way, but it felt like a slam. Like he didn’t fantasize about it and wish for it the same way I did. Like it was some strange fate that brought us together and not a mutual attraction that has lasted all these years.

  “I thought it,” I whispered. I said it so quietly that I’m sure he didn’t hear me.

  He took my face into his hands and kissed me deeper again before pulling away. Our foreheads rested together before he took my hand and led me to his bedroom. The pounding of my heart spread throughout the rest of my body. He sat next to me on the bed, still holding on to my hand.

  “I’ve been thinking about this moment for a long time,” he said.

  “Me too,” I said, looking down. He brought my eyes back to his eye level and stared at me for a long time.

  “Do you want this?” he asked.

  He was what I’d always wanted. I nodded.

  FESTIVITIES:

  the enjoyment or merrymaking typical of a celebration.

  Ameera made me work late, even on the day before I left for the Upton family vacation bright and early the next morning. We’d been tweaking and perfecting my speech as the day of the city council meeting grew closer. I felt more confident each time she took a fine-toothed comb through my words, and I had been practicing saying it aloud in front of my bathroom mirror every night. I was determined to make a damned good speech to call all of Denton to environmental action.

  “Great job today, Danielle,” she said. “You can leave now.”

  “Good night,” I told her as I packed up. I practically sprinted out the door and made my way to the car. I’d promised Luke that I would help him pack tonight before we left. If the other drivers on the interstate couldn’t tell that I was antsy just by how quickly I dodged in and out of them, they could tell by the three times that I honked on that ride back, which is a rare occurrence for me. Gearing up to meet Luke’s extended family was more nerve-racking than what I originally thought it would be.

  I screeched into Luke’s parking lot and rang the bell to his apartment five times before he unlocked the door. Annoyed, I knocked on the door, waiting to give him the wrath of the girlfriend who had to wait outside for over ten minutes.

  Instead of Luke opening the door, a tiny blond thing came up and tackled me into a hug. We swayed back and forth for a few seconds and I was honestly convinced that Emilie was the one giving me a bear hug. I tried to shrug her off me before the little blond thing spoke.

  “Dani, I’ve missed you so much!” I pulled her away to find Olivia Upton staring back at me. I think I screamed the girliest scream known to humankind in that moment, and we both jumped up and down.

  “Luke, you ass! Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?” I said.

  “I wanted to see this reaction.” He smiled. “And I wasn’t disappointed.”

  She grabbed my face and smiled. “How did you get so freaking gorgeous?”

  “I’m the one who should be asking you that!” I said. It was honestly a blast from the past. Olivia looked exactly the same, only where her baby fat used to be was a strong bone structure and makeup under her eyes. She still populated the 0.1 percentile on size—almost like she stopped growing after sixth grade.

  “Oh stop,” she said.

  “What on earth are you doing here?” I asked. “I thought you were meeting us in Indiana?”

  “My parents decided they wanted to stop and check in on Lukey,” she said. “And while they stay at a hotel Luke has been kind enough to offer me his couch. You can stay over if you want—we could have a catch-up sleepover for old time’s sake?”

  “I’d love that,” I said, turning to Luke. “But isn’t Emilie here? Where will she stay?”

  “I’m assuming Porter’s bed?” Luke said.

  I flushed. Duh. “Oh, that works out then. Where are they?”
<
br />   “He’s probably taking her to Moe’s. Valley View doesn’t have diners like Moe’s,” he said.

  I frowned again. The only time I’d ever heard the name Emilie mentioned was in passing the first night Luke figured out who I was. Porter was taking Emilie to a date at Moe’s. Hearing Luke mention that she was from his hometown made the whole Emilie thing seem more significant somehow—like she could actually become a part of the Denton equation. Or take a certain part out of it.

  “They should be back soon,” Luke said. “And I don’t actually need your help with packing. That was my pretense so Liv could have her grand entrance.”

  Olivia took my arm and led me to the couch. “Now it’s your turn to leave, Lukey. We have some much-needed gossip time, and you’re not invited.”

  “All right, all right, I can tell when I’m not wanted,” he said, holding his hands up. He picked up a shirt that had been flung into the hallway on the way back to his room, slamming the door in a dramatic fashion. Olivia and I both laughed.

  “Luke hasn’t told me much of the story yet. How did you two meet up again? I can’t believe how amazing it is that you two are finally together.” She beamed.

  “At a party, one that I didn’t really want to go to in the first place.” I laughed. “I was out in the kitchen, and Luke came and talked to me, all the while not knowing who I was.”

  “Typical Luke, can’t see what’s right in front of his face,” she said.

  “It’s cute now that I look back on it. I actually work with Porter, and Luke came to the bookstore one night and finally put the pieces together. We had our first little date that night, and the rest is history,” I said.

  “That’s so romantic,” she said. “Luke is so lucky to have seen you again! I bet you make Denton worth it to him.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  She wrapped her arms around her legs and paused for a moment. “Well, he really didn’t want to come back here in the first place. He wanted to take a year off to heal and then try to get in other places. My parents offered to pay for his school, among other things, to come here.”