The Big F

by Maggie Ann Martin

  “I thought he got a full ride?” I asked.

  “A full ride from the Bank of Mom and Dad,” Olivia said. “They pretty much bribed him to come here so he didn’t goof off around the world with his ex-girlfriend. The ’rents were not a fan of her or his big idea.”

  I was about to ask more when the lock on the door fiddled open and in walked Porter and a girl I assumed was Emilie. They each had a Cup o’ Moe’s to-go in their hands and smiles on their faces. Emilie had long dark hair that went past her shoulders. She wore Porter’s Remembrants’ T-shirt, and a little part of my stomach lurched.

  “Sorry to interrupt your catching up,” Porter said. “Emilie, this is Danielle, Luke’s girlfriend.”

  “Oh no, you’re fine!” I said, walking up to Emilie. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “You too.” She smiled. “These three have told me so much about you.”

  I couldn’t exactly return the compliment because I had virtually heard nothing about Emilie in return. Instead I just nodded awkwardly and waited for Porter or Olivia to break the silence.

  “Well, Luke is in his room getting all packed up. You guys can join Dani and me if you want?” Olivia said.

  “Uh…” Emilie turned to Porter, patting his chest. “I think we better get you all packed up, don’t you?”

  I hadn’t realized that my arms were crossed until Porter raised his eyebrows at me. I quickly let them go to my sides and put a smile on my face. Emilie smiled at me as they passed, Porter putting his hand on her lower back as he led her to his room.

  * * *

  My suitcase for the trip felt like it contained a dead body. I never really understood the whole “packing light” concept. Luke came out and grabbed my suitcase, managing to shove it into the trunk with everyone else’s bags. He definitely couldn’t see out the back and that was a bit scary. I hoped that Luke would drive the majority of the way because Porter was a terrible driver. I’d volunteer myself before allowing him to go behind the wheel.

  “Here, do you want to sit up front?” Porter asked, stepping out of the passenger side.

  “Nah, you boys can have boy talk up front, I’ll sit back with the girls,” I said. I swear Emilie scowled. If she was going to be all passive-aggressive the whole trip I’d definitely have to have a little chat with her.

  All I have to say is thank God for the radio. If it weren’t for the top forty chart blaring, the Jeep’s awkward silence level would have reached its max. I was also glad that Olivia volunteered to sit in the middle—I think riding next to Emilie would have provoked me to accidentally jab my elbow into her side on many occasions.

  We stopped about two hours in at a rest stop, and when we came back from the bathroom, Emilie had pulled Porter into the backseat with her, her arms wrapped around his neck. They laughed and rubbed noses, and I thought I would barf.

  “They’re pretty gross, right?” Olivia said, coming up behind me.

  “It’s just so … not Porter,” I said. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

  “Trust me, it won’t last long,” Olivia said. “He may be trying to prove a point more than anything else.”

  “A point for what?” I asked.

  Olivia just giggled and hopped into the backseat by the lovebirds. I sank into the passenger seat and was followed by Luke carrying a giant soda. He handed it to me, and I took a sip gladly. He turned the car on, and I punched the radio off, looking out the window.

  “You all right?” Luke asked, grabbing my hand.

  “Yeah, I just have a headache,” I said.

  The Jeep bumped along in the silence and, if I remembered anything about Olivia, I knew that the silence killed her. It was only a matter of time before she piped up and broke the tension.

  “So, Porter, how did you meet Emilie? Besides the obvious living in the same town part of it,” Olivia said. Actually I didn’t mind her attempt to make things less awkward. It was a question that I had as well.

  “Porter and I had a few classes together at Valley View. He was too scared to ask me out, but we hung out so much that everyone just assumed we were dating by default.” She laughed.

  “Hey, that’s not true. I made it very clear that I was interested,” he said.

  “Yeah right!” she said. “I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t read your little journal one day while we were hanging out.”

  “I think I made it clear in other ways,” he said.

  “I guess so,” she replied, hooking her index finger under his chin and pulling him in for a kiss. I looked back in the rearview mirror to see any reaction from Porter. Emilie had admitted to looking at his notebooks, the most secret and sacred things that Porter had, without batting an eye. He continued to look at her like she was the missing piece to his happiness puzzle. I looked back out the window.

  We were already more than halfway there, so close to the ranch yet so far away. I turned the radio back on after twenty minutes of silence and could feel myself starting to fall asleep. Car rides always made me sleepy, even since I was a kid. I drifted off, my cheek pressed against the car window.

  “Babe.” I was shaken awake by Luke.

  “Are we here?” I asked, wiping the drool from the corner of my mouth. I looked out the window and saw that we were surrounded by massive trees. The cabin was at the end of a trail and just visible out of the corner of my eye.

  “Yes.” He smiled. “How in the hell did you sleep through everyone getting their stuff out of the car? I was sure you’d wake up.”

  “Mom always says that a bulldozer could go through our front door and I’d still sleep. One of my many talents,” I said.

  “Speaking of moms,” Luke started.

  My door flew open, and I was embraced in an almost identical Olivia hug. But this time the perpetrator was Mrs. Carrie Upton. “Dani girl! How are you?”

  “Carrie, oh my God, hi,” I said, wrapping my arms around my second mother’s neck. She physically lifted me out of the car and planted me in front of her.

  “You look great, honey. You feeling okay?” she asked.

  “I’m feeling wonderful,” I said.

  “I know Luke had a hard time waking you up.” She laughed. “That’s the Dani I know.” She led Luke and me up the trail and toward the cabin. As we went up the dirt walkway I could see other cabins not far off. We were right on the edge of Indiana meeting up with Lake Michigan. It had been a while since I’d seen one of the Great Lakes, and Luke promised that some boating would be included in the family vacation.

  Mr. Upton opened the door to greet us and gave the same, apparently hereditary, hug that the rest of the family had. We exchanged more pleasantries as we shuffled into the cabin that was already stuffed to the brim with people. The family sat around the kitchen table and into the living room, all staring at us as we walked inside. I vaguely recognized some of them from Olivia’s childhood birthday parties, including Uncle Henry, who owned the beautiful cabin. Luke described Henry as the “ultimate bachelor” who would rather spend time on the lake than try to find a companion.

  “Well, you all made it in one piece,” Henry said, standing at the front of the kitchen. “I managed to clear out some sleeping space for my wonderful siblings, but the kids can either sleep in the living room together or in tents outside.”

  “Are we the kids?” I whispered to Luke.

  “Most definitely,” he whispered back.

  “Olivia, are you still up to helping me cook?” he asked.

  She smiled. “I promise not to start any fires this year.” All of the family laughed, and I’m sure I missed some inside joke.

  “On a more serious note, I did want to thank you all for making it for the weekend. I know this is what Dad would have wanted,” Henry said. I’d almost forgotten about Luke’s grandpa. He passed away about six months ago. That’s another reason that it was important for their family to make it, this year especially.

  Everyone nodded, and he raised an invisible glass. “To our … eccentric family
traditions.” A group laugh erupted, and everyone raised their invisible glasses to match. I raised mine, looking over at Luke as I did. This weekend wouldn’t be bad at all.

  FORMAL:

  done or carried out in accordance with established or prescribed rules.

  The Uptons and Company changed into sweatshirts and jeans once the sun went down. We sat around the nicely contained fire pit in the various lawn chairs the Upton family had managed to pull together. Luke and Olivia’s cousin Sammy, who I remembered playing with as a kid, came up and gave me a hug. She was at least four years older than Olivia—I remember her bratty teenage years when she made it very evident that Liv and I were babies that she could no longer associate with. She had managed to pull me aside from the family, cornering me in the kitchen for the first interrogation of the trip.

  “So, Danielle, how have you been?” she asked. Honestly, if I had a quarter for every person who asked how my life had been since the Uptons left …

  “Oh, fine,” I said. “How about you, Sammy?”

  She smiled. Obviously this was her tactic all along. “I’m just wonderful. My husband, Ritchie, over there? He’s perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better in my life.”

  “I’m happy for you,” I said.

  She touched my shoulder. “Not as happy as I am for you and Luke. I’m so glad he found a nice girl. He really pissed his parents off with the last girl he brought here. What was her name? Cameron? Callie? Something like that. But you don’t want to talk about her.”

  “Talk about who?” Porter asked, coming up behind us. For the first time I felt thankful for Porter’s ability to interrupt conversations.

  “Oh, no one,” Sammy said. She took this moment to ditch, leaving Porter and me standing by ourselves. He watched Sammy leave, and we both shrugged at each other.

  “I think she just wanted to tell me about her new perfect husband and now that she has, she left.”

  “I see,” he said, picking at his nails. Since our movie day, we’d barely talked. I still didn’t know where we stood, but the fact that he’d brought Emilie along made me think that we were allowed to be cool again. Friends, even. He tugged at his leather jacket that had come a bit more in season now and started fidgeting with the zippers on his pockets.

  “Emilie seems nice,” I said.

  “She is,” he said.

  “How come you never told me about her?” I asked.

  “It never came up,” he said.

  “That’s some crucial information to tell a friend,” I said, folding my arms.

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re sounding a little jealous, Cavanaugh.”

  “Jealous? You’re ridiculous,” I said.

  “You would have met her if you came over more,” he said, shrugging.

  “Sorry I’m busy actually doing things with my life,” I said.

  His eyes crinkled a bit, deflated by my words, which I hadn’t meant to sound so cruel. Nothing came out right around him anymore. “That’s not what I meant,” I said.

  “No, no, I think it is,” he said, walking away. I watched him leave, and my heart sank. I royally blew it.

  Luke came up behind me, hugging my waist. “We’re setting up a fire. Come sit with me?” he asked.

  I nodded and followed the rest of the family out to the fire pit. Luke already had a spot on the ground with a giant blanket. Olivia sat on one side, and she patted the middle for me to take a seat. Luke seemed especially cuddly in the firelight, and I nuzzled into his sweatshirt, trying to erase the thoughts of a hurt Porter and the Cameron/Callie that Luke brought here last year—the one that Luke’s parents would bribe him with money to stay away from.

  The Uptons passed around graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate bars so we could make s’mores. Olivia managed to drop at least three marshmallows into the fire. Finally I took her stick away from her and fried her marshmallow to the perfect darkness. You know it’s bad when I’m the one who has to take over a food-related task. We laughed as the chocolate dripped onto the blanket and all over the front of her sweatshirt.

  Uncle Henry quickly became the showcase of the bonfire, pulling out his guitar. Sammy sang along with him, and I had to admit it, she was actually really talented. Her perfect husband, Ritchie, sat on his phone near the house claiming to have too much business to attend to back home. At one point, and I’m not kidding, Olivia went over and took the phone out of his hands and led him back to the fire to hear his wife sing. She was the sweetest person I knew, but when it came to people being rude, she took it upon herself to make it right. I saw Sammy smile at me from across the way and I winked, curled up in a blanket with Luke. Even Emilie stayed pleasantly quiet the whole time.

  As the adults grew tired they began to trickle into the house. Eventually the only people left were the cousins who sat around the fire, no longer inhibited by the presence of the parents. Luke’s cousin Matt reintroduced himself to me, and I instantly remembered him joining forces with Luke on the toad front. Olivia and I hid from them for the entire week when Matt and his twin brother, Ryan, would come into town.

  “You’re in for a treat tomorrow, Danielle,” Matt said. “Have you ever played a competitive sport with this guy?”

  I turned to look up at Luke. “I don’t believe I have.”

  “Family touch football is like war. I hope you have some skills.” Matt laughed.

  “Matt’s making me sound a lot scarier than I actually am,” Luke said.

  “What about you, Emilie, you a good player?” Matt asked across the way.

  She scoffed. “Oh definitely. The challenge will be getting Porter here to play.”

  Porter shrugged. “What can I say? I was born with an athletic deficiency. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone by my tripping and falling.”

  “You can’t be that bad, man,” Ryan said.

  Emilie pecked his cheek. “It’s okay, baby, you can cheer me on.”

  “I’ll most likely join Porter,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to bring anyone’s team down.”

  Emilie frowned. “I’m sure you’re fine, Danielle.”

  Everyone looked around at each other in silence before Ryan chimed in. “So … anyone want to play Never Have I Ever? High stakes. Losers skinny-dip in the lake.”

  “It’s cold, Ry!” Olivia said. “If I lose you all better shut your damn eyes.”

  “You won’t lose, Liv, you’re the most innocent one here out of all of us,” Matt said.

  “It’s been a while since we last played; you don’t know as much about my life as you think you do,” Olivia said, puffing out her chest.

  “Well then, it will make things more interesting, won’t it?” Ryan asked. He clapped his hands. “Let’s get started!”

  “Okay, I’ll go first,” Emilie volunteered. “Never have I ever … been out of the country.”

  Ryan and Matt groaned. “Too tame!” one said. “So boring!” said the other. I sheepishly put one finger down and realized I was the only one who did.

  Matt chimed in. “Never have I ever barfed at a family dinner,” he said.

  “That’s targeting!” Ryan replied, trying to defend himself from having to put his finger down for an obvious family inside joke.

  “I’ve got one,” Olivia said proudly. “Never have I ever failed a class.”

  “That’s cheap, Liv,” Matt said, pushing her over. He put a finger down, and I debated owning up to it or keeping my secret failure just that. I put my finger down slowly, hoping no one actually saw. Of course, no such luck was mine.

  “Dan? You’ve failed a class?” Porter asked.

  I cringed. “Yeah … that’s actually the reason I’m at DCC.”

  “Aw, Dani, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad!” Olivia said. “I just knew that Matt had failed a class, and I wanted to get him out sooner.”

  “Rude,” Matt said under his breath.

  “No, it’s really fine,” I said. “I’ve kind of had to own it in the last f
ew months.”

  Porter kept looking at me like I’d killed his pet fish. I curled up my legs and rested my chin on my knees, trying to block his gaze.

  “Okay, I have one,” Ryan said. “Never have I ever lived in Denton, Ohio.”

  “That’s really cheap!” Olivia said, pushing him back. All the Denton residents of past and present put a finger down.

  “That’s the game, cuz,” he said. Olivia stuck her tongue out at him.

  Emilie piped up again. “Never have I ever kissed a girl,” she said. The guys groaned as they put a finger down, and I saw Olivia put a shaking finger down.

  “Liv! How naughty!” Ryan exclaimed.

  “I told you you didn’t know everything about me,” she said. She tried to say it playfully, but somehow it held more weight. I made eye contact with her for a few seconds longer, trying to make her realize she could talk to me about it if she wanted to.

  “Never have I ever blacked out drunk,” Luke said.

  “Finally! A good one!” Ryan said. Both Ryan and Matt put a finger down along with Emilie. I kept mine up.

  “Wait, Dan, you need to put your finger down,” Porter said from across the fire.

  “What? No way!” I said.

  “Yes way. That house party? Do you remember me basically carrying you to your house afterward?” he asked.

  “Zoe took me home that night,” I said, feeling my entire body heating up in anger.

  “I might have been very drunk, but I do remember Porter saying he’d get you home that night,” Luke chimed in. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. “It happens to the best of us, babe.”

  My hand shook as I put my fourth finger down. What had I done that night? What had I said thinking that he was Zoe? The thought was mortifying. Who knew what my unfiltered brain would have admitted to.

  Emilie shifted to sit on her knees, leaning toward the fire. “Never have I ever cheated on anyone,” she said.

  My eyes slid immediately to Porter, and we both looked away as soon as we made eye contact. We hadn’t cheated. We’d kissed for a movie, an acting role, which was no big deal. Even though I could justify it in my head, my stomach filled with a pool of guilt. I looked around the circle of us and no one put their fingers down. Either we all were lying for the sake of each other’s feelings, or everyone but me was a decent human.