The Big F

by Maggie Ann Martin

  “I’m tired; I think I’m going to go to sleep,” Emilie said, standing up from the group. She looked from me to Porter and then stormed off toward the cabin. Porter hopped up quickly to follow her and all I could do was sit back and watch them leave.

  “So much for our game,” Ryan said. “Who wants to hear some ghost stories?”

  We sat around listening to some especially scary stories about wolf children that came and dragged innocent campers out of their tents at night for another hour. I was too distracted to be scared, waiting to see if Porter or Emilie came back. Neither of them did before we decided to go to sleep in the tents Uncle Henry had set up for us.

  Luke and I climbed into the tent that was meant for Luke, Porter, Emilie, and me to share. Since they were apparently still inside the cabin, we claimed the left side of the tent. I slunk out of my sweater and shivered before climbing into the sleeping bag. Luke wiggled in beside me and he wrapped his arms around me from behind. I turned around to face him, the words from Olivia still ringing in my head.

  “Why did you really come to Denton?” I asked him. “I know you didn’t get a scholarship.”

  He started to protest before coming to the realization. “Liv told you.”

  “I don’t know why you’d lie about that,” I said. “I wouldn’t care if you got a scholarship or not.”

  “It’s kind of embarrassing to admit that your parents bribed you to go somewhere,” he said.

  I laughed a little. “You know you’re talking to the girl whose parents didn’t give her any other option of where to go to school for her whole life, don’t you?”

  “They would have given you the choice if you had expressed interest in somewhere else. My parents just wanted to keep their hooks in me for as long as possible. To fill that dream that my dad was never able to fulfill. I wanted to take this year off and explore,” he said.

  “With your ex?” I asked. I regretted being so nosy the moment it came out.

  “Yeah, with my ex,” he said. He ran his hand up and down my arm. “She is my ex for a reason. I haven’t talked to her in weeks.”

  “Weeks?” I squeaked out.

  “Months,” he assured me.

  “I’m not accusing you of anything,” I said. My back now faced him. I rested my head in the crook of my elbow and waited for him to talk again.

  He didn’t. We both pretended to fall asleep.

  In what felt like an hour later, the tent was slowly zipped open. I opened one eye to watch Porter and Emilie climb in. Porter looked over at us, and I quickly shut my eyes but kept my ears open like the horrible eavesdropper that I am.

  “Are things any better with your dad?” Emilie whispered.

  “They sent him home, but they think he could end up back in the hospital soon,” he said. “Can we not talk about it?”

  “Yeah, sure,” she said. My eye popped back open again, and I watched her reach to touch his face. He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes. After a few seconds, he turned his head and kissed her palm. My body burned, and I turned over, feeling like I’d intruded on something completely personal. They were both quiet for a moment, maybe gauging if I would wake up, before they got into their sleeping bags.

  * * *

  Upton family touch football was not a joking matter. They banged on our tents early in the morning, making me practically rip my sleeping bag from jumping so high. Randi, Matt and Ryan’s mom, unzipped our tent and peeked her head inside.

  “Breakfast is up,” she said. “You’d better hurry before all the bacon is gone.”

  Luke groaned as the light hit his face, and he rolled over, covering his eyes. The cold air slapped my face, and I joined him under the sleeping bag, trying to find any last warmth. I thought Luke had fallen back asleep until I felt his hand slip around my waist. We stayed in the warm cocoon of the sleeping bag until Matt ran in, ripping the bag off us.

  “Mom told you to get up already, kids,” Matt said. “T-minus thirty minutes until UTFL. Get up, you wussies.”

  “What’s UTFL?” I groaned.

  “Upton Touch Football League! Come on, Danielle, I expect more out of you,” Ryan said, barging in behind his brother.

  “All right, we’re coming,” Porter said, taking the bravest move yet—unzipping his sleeping bag. Emilie curled her legs up to her chest while the cold air hit her body and a small shiver went through her. I heard her moan a small “why” under her breath, eyes still closed. We rolled out, racing into the house to avoid the cold. Inside we quickly packed on as many layers of clothes as we could and chugged coffee to warm and wake ourselves. All the “kids” were exiled to the floor; only Sammy and her husband were allowed to sit with the rest of the adults. I watched her look back at us while we laughed. It seemed like she wanted nothing more than to join in with us, but Ritchie kept her anchored to the adult table.

  Competition must have been laced in the bacon grease with all the trash talk over breakfast. Luke was the number one culprit, spouting on and on about how he would personally deliver Matt’s death via touch football. It was as hilarious as it was histrionic. Even Olivia, the supposed sweetheart, jabbed at her cousins. The pressure only made me more nervous. I was definitely sitting this one out.

  “All right, everyone, it’s time!” Uncle Henry yelled from the front door. “Keeping up with tradition, I will be a captain along with my baby brother, Craig.”

  Luke and Olivia’s dad stepped forward and waved, a loud whistle erupting out of Randi behind us. Craig locked eyes with Luke and waved him up next to him, resulting in boos and comments like “That’s not fair!” from the rest of the family. The rest of the teams were picked, and I drifted to the back of the pack, resisting all their attempts to get me to play. A few others sat out, including Sammy and Porter. I sat contentedly in the middle, keeping my focus on Luke, the obvious family superstar and source of jealousy for the opposing team.

  Porter came up next to me, sitting with his small notepad out. We didn’t talk, but I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted to ask what Emilie had meant about his dad. I wanted to make sure that he was okay. I wanted to ask if he knew anything about Luke’s ex. All questions that seemed über inappropriate in the moment. I tried to distract myself by making a flower crown out of the dandelions around me or cheering on the team, but I couldn’t get over Porter sitting right in my peripherals and not speaking to me.

  I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to face him. One of his notebooks was laid open on the ground, and I read his little scribbled note.

  We need to talk.

  My stomach flipped, and I felt blood rush to my ears. I managed to mouth back the word “later” and turned away from him. It took everything in my power to ignore him for the duration of the game. What did he want to talk about? His fight with Emilie? Did he no longer want to be my friend? Did he think we should tell her and Luke about the movie kiss? No good conversation ever started with “we need to talk.”

  Luke’s team won and only took a little bit of grief from everyone else. Olivia seemed the most torn up about it, really believing that she could outwit her brother a couple of times. She pouted next to me, resting her head on Porter’s shoulder.

  “I really thought I had him this year,” she said.

  “You can’t beat the master,” Luke said, coming up behind us. He sat down, kissed my cheek, and put his arm around me. I ducked out of his embrace, still not in the mood to be loving after our conversation last night. He frowned my way and opened his mouth to talk until Emilie came up and plopped onto Porter’s lap. She held out her hand for a high five from Luke.

  “We make a pretty good team, don’t we, Skywalker?” she said, laughing at her own joke. Emilie and Luke talked through the play-by-play of the game, highlighting some of their best acts of teamwork while I zoned out.

  Liv saved me from awkwardly sitting through another half hour of listening and we pulled off to the side of the yard, sitting down on a set of lawn chairs some of the parents brought out ear
lier. We had a good view of the boys and Emilie, who made a point of laughing loudly and constantly touching Porter and Luke as she talked.

  “Can I be honest with you for a second?” Olivia asked.

  “Of course,” I said, turning toward her. She had a little smile on her face and closed her hands, fiddling with her fingers. I remembered back to her confession during Never Have I Ever—the thing the boys deemed “naughty” that might mean that much more to her.

  “I have learned so much this past year about being who I want to be, which goes along with being with who I want to be with. Being in a relationship to please the people around you isn’t a good foundation of a relationship,” she said.

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “I love Luke so much, obviously, because he is my brother, but I like Porter. I think he’s a good guy,” she said.

  I continued to frown.

  “You and Porter,” she said, staring at Emilie.

  I started to protest, but she held up her hand. “There’s just something in how he looks at you. You have to realize it, right?”

  And in a single sentence, all my fears were confirmed.

  FEAST:

  an elaborate meal for many people that celebrates an occasion.

  Olivia and I didn’t talk for the rest of the day, and I felt a little guilty about that. It wasn’t her fault for speaking her mind, but my mind could not wrap itself around what she meant. She politely kept her distance, and no one really noticed. We spent the majority of the afternoon helping Carrie and the rest of the family make a big dinner for our last night, with enough turkey and stuffing to feed fifty people. I kept my duties minimal, Luke politely warning everyone of my lack of cooking skills. Porter and Emilie had gone on a walk around the lake, and I was thankful not to have his presence in the room. I would just overanalyze all of Olivia’s ridiculous claims if he were here. And no one had time for that nonsense.

  If there was one thing that kept me a little bit sane during the day, it was Sammy and me gabbing constantly. She acted more like I remembered when she wasn’t bragging about her great life, and it was nice talking to someone who really had no preconceived notions about me other than my apparent lack of fashion sense in the sixth grade. We talked about movies and books and even frivolous things like our favorite celebrity couples, but it was nice. She could be normal without her new perfect life taking over her personality.

  Dinner called for fancier attire, and we all changed into dresses and nice pants. I thanked Zoe internally for making me pack a dress just in case. She saved my ass on so many occasions that I really wondered what I would do without her. There was a knock on the door of the room I was changing in, and I jumped as someone cracked it open.

  “Dani, can I come in?” Carrie Upton asked.

  “Yes, of course!” I said, relieved to hear her voice.

  She looked me over and smiled. “Don’t you look beautiful.”

  “Oh, thanks,” I said.

  She sat down on my bed, patting the spot next to her. I sat down dreading some sort of confrontation. Had Olivia talked to her?

  “Gosh, remember when you and Liv would raid my closet and makeup drawer and pretend you were fashion designers?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” I smiled. “We wanted to be grown up so badly. You don’t realize it until you’re finally considered an adult how scary it actually is.”

  She put her hand in mine and rubbed it. “You and Liv were such good friends, you always knew the right thing to say and how to cheer her up—having you at our house was one of my many joys when we lived in Denton.”

  “That’s so sweet,” I said, feeling the guilt creeping into my chest again.

  “You are going to give that same treatment to my son now, and you have no idea how happy it makes me to see him in a relationship with such a good girl—a girl that we love too,” she said.

  I felt tears start to prick my eyes as she pulled me into a hug. Carrie was the same woman who healed my scrapes, took me to see my first play, and loved me like a second daughter for so many years. I felt pressure in a new way, like I could never disappoint them when it came to their son. That if I ever hurt him I would hurt their family. I suddenly felt suffocated, trapped in a situation—that I was some sort of solution to all their problems. But what if I had my own problems to figure out before I could heal theirs?

  * * *

  Luke and I made our way to the table with the rest of his family. It felt like all the big moments lately revolved around a family dining table. It was like every time any variation of my friends and family finally sat together the world fell onto our shoulders and reality was too much. Tonight my weight of guilt took over for many reasons—my guilt for being mad at Olivia for speaking her mind, my guilt for avoiding Porter, and the uneasiness I felt about Luke after figuring out the truth about why he came to Denton. And who he left behind. The Uptons laughed and chatted around me, passing out the last of the sides to one another before Uncle Henry called everyone to order.

  “As per tradition, we are all going to take a turn saying what we’re thankful for this year. Since Thanksgiving is too much of a challenge to get everyone together, we’re officially starting it tonight. Who would like to start?”

  Craig Upton raised his hand, and Henry patted him on the shoulder. “I would like to say how thankful I am that our family can still join like this once a year and that everyone is happy and healthy. I know Dad would have been the first to make this same speech this year, and I know he is here with us now, trying to steal the best turkey leg.” Everyone laughed solemnly, Carrie Upton wiping away a straggling tear. “He always had one sentiment that I have tried to pass on to my kids, and I hope they will too. Family is forever. No matter how far they go, they will always be there to embrace you when you come back.”

  He looked at Luke in this moment, and I reached my hand into his. He gripped it so tightly that my hand turned purple. Mr. Upton winked at me, and I smiled back, looking up at Luke.

  “I’d like to go next,” he said, dropping my hand and standing up. “I’d like to say thank you to everyone who showed me the true meaning of family within the past year especially. I could not have made it this far without your help, especially the help of my parents, who always look out for my and Liv’s best interests above everything. And to my sister, for giving me a dose of harsh reality when needed.

  “I figured out after my injury that I’m pretty damned lucky to have such an amazing support system surrounding me. I couldn’t have asked for anything better,” he said.

  Uncle Henry raised his glass in response. Luke sat back down quickly as if figuring out that he was embarrassed now that he’d said so much. His aunt Randi smiled at me, and I realized that everyone was looking at me now to speak. I tried to open my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Thankfully Porter picked up on this and spoke up.

  “Uh, I’ll go next,” he said. He didn’t stand up, which I was also thankful for. If everyone was expected to stand up to make their speech I would have probably passed out. “First off I want to thank Craig and Carrie again for letting Emilie and me come with—you are a lot more tolerant of us hooligans than I would be.”

  They both giggled, and Carrie smiled at Porter very similarly to the way she did at me earlier. She always loved having her kids’ friends around.

  “You’ve all made me feel like a part of something, a part of a family this year. That’s something I haven’t had in a long time,” he said, looking at me.

  All those times that we talked about Mr. Harrisburg’s class assignment, how I didn’t know what I was living for—he’d been holding out. Living for him was having a family who cared. It broke my heart that I didn’t realize that before now, that I’d been too self-centered to even ask more about his family or his past. He nodded at me before looking down at his plate and waiting for someone else to talk.

  “I’ll go next!” Sammy announced. They went around the table talking again about how lucky they
were to have their health, that they were thankful for all the time they got to spend with their family, how much they missed their grandpa. I held Luke’s hand under the table while everyone spoke. Every time I slid my eyes to the end of the table I found Porter looking at me. He didn’t try to hide it now, and it made me a little mad. He shouldn’t look at me that way, it wasn’t fair to anyone. I watched as he sipped from his drink more and more as the dinner went on, seeing the telltale signs of drunk Porter starting to form.

  It finally reached me again, and I felt just as frozen as I had before but now had no one to save me. Luke squeezed my hand for reassurance. “I guess I wanted to thank the Uptons for letting me come to this. Even though Luke and I have been dating for … three months now? I feel like we have been forever. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me over the years, and I am glad to still be a little part of the Upton family’s life.”

  Luke kissed the side of my head, and everyone started to dig into their meals. Ryan and Matt were the needed comedic relief of the evening, always working off each other to tell hilarious stories about their college experience. They told us about all the pranks they played on people in their dorm, and I was beyond glad that I didn’t live within a hundred-mile radius of these two.

  We brought our dishes back out to the kitchen, Luke and I helping with the cleanup process. We were all chatting before we heard the door slam and Emilie whiz past the kitchen to the bathroom. I looked at Luke, who started to follow Porter, but I grabbed his arm. “Go check on Em. I’ll find him,” I said.

  I opened the door and instantly regretted not throwing on a coat. I wrapped my arms around my chest and followed the male footsteps out into the woods, hopefully following Porter’s path. He must have heard me coming because the crunching of his feet stopped as I caught up.