“Yeah? I wasn’t sure if it had too many colors. But it looked pretty. Jenna gave me a list of indoor stuff to get too, but I only had time for outdoor today. Had to take Pop to a doctor’s appointment.”
“I hope everything’s okay?”
He shrugged. “Same old shit. Pop won’t listen about cutting out the junk. Not to mention red meat and scotch.”
“Ah. I admit I enjoy a good scotch myself.”
“Yeah? Although I don’t think Pop drinks the good stuff.” He grabbed the ladder and carried it back to the garage.
Seth hurried to unpack the groceries, trying to ignore persistent flutters of excitement. It was a crush! No one had to know. He and Logan didn’t have a real relationship, but Seth could enjoy his company. He could enjoy not being so terribly alone.
As he opened the pantry, he stopped. This was the part when he typically would have thought of Brandon with a pang of loss that was at turns dull or deathly sharp. But tonight…
Nope. It wasn’t there. He didn’t miss Brandon. Maybe he hadn’t actually missed Brandon for a long time.
“Need a hand?”
He jumped, whirling around and dropping a bag of macaroni, which rattled. “No. I’m good.”
Logan eyed him warily. “Okay.”
Seth needed to say something else, and he cast about for a topic as he bent to grab the pasta. “How’s Connor doing?”
After a pause, Logan said, “Um, fine? I guess.”
“You haven’t spoken to him today?” Seth went back to unpacking.
Brows drawing together, Logan said, “No. We don’t really… He doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“Right. I hear what you’re saying.”
“But?” Logan snorted. “Go ahead. I can take it.”
“Well, I know you two tend to butt heads, but…” Seth tried to find a way to say it without offending. “The thing is, if you don’t make the effort with him, he’ll think you don’t care. Even if you end up arguing, I think it still helps to reach out. He’s angry and scared and difficult, but if you keep trying, he’ll surely come around.”
Logan frowned, seeming to ponder it. “I don’t want to bug him. You know?”
“Right. I get that. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe send him a text every day asking how he’s doing. Or it could be something like talking about sports or sending him a link to a funny video. Just…contact. Show him you’re thinking of him. That you care.”
“That makes sense.” Shaking his head, Logan rubbed a hand over his short hair, smiling ruefully. “Told you I’m useless at all this.”
“You’re not useless. It’s new. You’re learning.”
“You don’t have kids. How are you so good at it?”
“I’m not an expert by any means.” Still, he flushed pleasantly at the compliment. “I’ll heat up dinner. And how about a drink?” The thought of imbibing on a Monday felt ridiculously rebellious.
He really did need to get a life, didn’t he?
Logan said, “Yeah, thanks.”
“We might as well live dangerously, right?”
“Sure,” Logan agreed with a rumbling laugh.
Seth tried very, very hard not to think of what Logan would say if he talked dirty to him.
Chapter Nine
Seth muted the TV as another batch of commercials blared before the post-game. Logan had been surprised when Seth had suggested watching the Monday night football game with their dinner. Now they were relaxing on the couch, bellies full of chicken and cheesy potatoes. They’d moved on from beer to an after-dinner scotch.
Logan sipped his drink, enjoying the smooth burn. Seth could apparently afford the fancy stuff, and Logan wasn’t complaining. Instead of a harsh, hollow aftertaste, he was left with a spicy richness that made him think of his grandma’s fruitcake.
On the silent TV, dogs played basketball in a commercial for insurance or some shit. It was snowing, and if he squinted, he could see it piling up on the deck through the sliding doors. The gas fireplace made the room perfectly warm.
He definitely needed to get a tree and stuff before the boss lady came for dinner. And Logan had to admit the room would look great all done up, even if it was just for show and not a real family’s decorations.
Seth had gone quiet, although it wasn’t awkward. It was weirdly nice, sitting on the big couch and listening to the hum of the flickering fire.
“I need to—” Seth cut himself off, taking another swallow of scotch and swirling the ice in his glass. “It’s ridiculous.”
“Uh… What is?”
“Oh, sorry. My brain won’t shut its trap, and I’m used to talking to myself.”
“About what?”
“Everything. Oh, you mean now?” He chuckled and rubbed his face, his five o’clock shadow making a scratchy sound against his palm.
“You don’t have to tell me.” Although Logan was strangely eager. “Unless you want.”
“Maybe it’ll do me good to get some advice.”
“I dunno if I’m any good at that. That’s Jenna’s department.”
Seth swirled the ice in his glass, smiling. “Whether we like it or not.”
“Heh, yeah.” Normally Logan would bristle at the slightest criticism of Jenna, but Seth’s smile was nice. What was the word? Affectionate. “Well, go ahead if you want my dumbass advice.”
After frowning, Seth said, “I came out to my family twelve years ago because I couldn’t hide anymore. I couldn’t pretend Brandon was just my roommate and that I hadn’t met the right girl yet. I hated lying so much.”
He stared toward the TV, but his eyes were unfocused. “The lying started to feel more sinful than being gay. And here I am, over a decade later, and I still feel guilty for wanting to…” He sighed. “You know.”
Logan frowned. “Huh?”
“Uh, physical needs.”
“Are you talking about getting laid?”
Seth looked at him and laughed. “Yes, I am. I can’t even say it. It’s not that I don’t like…sex. I do! Very much.”
“Okay.” Logan swirled his own ice cubes and watched Seth from the corner of his eye. Seth was wearing slacks and a dress shirt. He’d removed his tie, rolled up the sleeves to his elbows, and slouched a bit, his legs parted.
Logan thought about how firm Seth’s ass had felt the day before when they’d gotten cozy for the asshole ex, and now he was thinking about Seth having sex. With another man. Not just hand jobs or hard screws with a nod and thanks after. But full-on sex with kissing and all that. Real sex.
It was weird. Also weirdly hot.
Getting off with men had never been about that for Logan—about hotness or whatever. Not the way it was with women and how beautiful they were, how sexy. He couldn’t remember thinking of a guy as sexy.
He glanced at Seth and the sprawl of his legs, and the way his shirt was unbuttoned at the top exposing his throat.
Until now, apparently.
Gulping his scotch, Logan stared at the TV and some replay of a hard tackle. Seth was quiet again, so maybe he’d drop it and—
“I loved Brandon, and he loved me. Until he didn’t.” Seth shook his head like he was still in shock, a little smile tugging on his mouth. “And since finally seeing him again, I’ve realized I truly don’t love him anymore. That I’m not in love with him. Which is good.”
Logan nodded, trying not to stare at Seth’s full lips. “It is.” That asswipe didn’t deserve Seth.
“I dated a few guys before him, but nothing serious. I never…” He flushed light red, shifting and tapping his fingers on his glass. “I didn’t do much at all with the other men. I felt like I should be in love. You know—to—to have sex.”
Logan tried not to gape. “Why?”
Huffing out a laugh, Seth rolled his eyes. “I know. It’s stupid. But it was drummed into me at church and at home. That sex was only for marriage. Since Brandon and I couldn’t get married back then, I made this…deal, I guess. With myself. With G
od. I needed it to be an expression of love, and then I was allowed.”
“Religions sure fuck up a lot of people. Uh, no offense.”
Seth laughed, tipping his head back for a moment, showing his long throat. “None taken, I assure you. It really is ridiculous, the knots I’ve tied myself in all these years. Why should I feel guilty for, for…getting laid?” He said it like they were cuss words.
“You shouldn’t.”
“No, I shouldn’t! I’m a grown man. I can do what I please.” Seth was fidgety now, all worked up. Logan imagined Seth’s cheeks would feel warm to the touch.
Logan frowned. “Are you drunk?”
“No!” He laughed again. “A little tipsy, maybe. It’s nice. I’m tired of being miserable and alone. Why am I punishing myself by being celibate? Why do I think if no one loves me I don’t deserve sex? It’s not a sin to have sex if there’s no love. Is it?”
“Definitely not. All that sin crap is bullshit.”
“It is, isn’t it? Why should I sit around here waiting for…what, exactly? Prince Charming? Mr. Right?”
“Are you telling me you haven’t gotten your rocks off in over a year?”
Seth drained his glass and thunked it onto a coaster on the wooden table. “That’s what I’m telling you. Been afraid to try dating again.” He screwed up his face. “The whole…rigmarole of it. It’s exhausting to contemplate. Now there are these apps, and I’ll probably do it all wrong. Do you use them?”
Before Logan could answer, Seth inhaled sharply. “Although you and your wife didn’t break up, she…” He covered his mouth before dropping his hand, face even redder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to draw a comparison. That was incredibly thoughtless.”
“It’s okay.” Maybe Logan should have felt worse, but Veronica was gone. He felt like shit most of the time for a lot of reasons, and he was so tired of it. “Like I told you, our marriage was a bad idea from the start, and it was already over. I can’t change any of it. But hey, you can get back out there. Back on the horse.” He needed to take his own advice.
“Right.” Seth repeated, “Right,” murmuring almost to himself, “I need to conquer my fear.”
Man, Seth really was wound tight. “It’ll be like riding a bike.”
“Seeing Brandon yesterday, I was terrified.” He shook his head, exhaling a little huff of air and half-smiling. “I’m sure you could tell.”
“I might have picked up on it.”
Seth shifted to face Logan, his right leg bent on the leather couch, his eyes bright and earnest. “But you helped me. Having you there… None of this is real, but Brandon doesn’t need to know that. Seeing him, it feels like I crossed a raging river, and I’m finally on the other side. You know what I mean? If I run into Brandon and Peter again, I can just smile and wish them well, and that’s that. I’m over the hurdle. I can’t tell you how liberating that feels. Thank you.”
Satisfaction flowed through Logan. He was so fucking useless most of the time, and being needed warmed his veins even more than the scotch. “You’re welcome.” He shrugged. “I like helping you,” he said without thinking. It was the truth, and as Seth beamed at him, his blue eyes so damn sincere, an idea popped into Logan’s head.
A crazy fucking idea.
He might be no good to anyone most of the time, but getting off? That he could help with. Maybe it was the beer and scotch—although he’d barely had three fingers—or Seth talking about sex, but the idea rocked through him with a bolt of adrenaline.
Maybe Seth would turn him down flat, but… Shit. Logan really, really wanted to help make this all better. Wanted Seth to look at him again like he was special and good.
Before he could lose his nerve, he blurted, “Here’s another deal for you. I’ll help you get off. Get over your hang-up about it.”
Seth’s eyes widened, and he stared, his mouth opening and closing. “You’ll… What did you say?”
Logan shrugged even though excitement pinballed through him. Maybe this was stupid, like most of his ideas, but his dick was coming alive at the thought. “We could mess around. But if you don’t want to—”
“I didn’t say that.” Seth licked his lips, leaning closer over the space between them on the couch. His eyes were bright, the earnestness replaced by clear hunger. “But you’re straight. Aren’t you?”
“So? Doesn’t mean I don’t want to just get off sometimes. Men are less complicated. We know what we want. Don’t have to worry about feelings and all that shit. It’s easier.”
Seth stared at him. Holding up a hand, he squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them. “You’re telling me… Are you saying that you have relations with other men?”
“You mean sex? Sure, once in a while. In the Marines, you’d help a buddy out. Or in the bunkhouse at the rail yard sometimes. Sometimes do it quick in a bathroom. If someone gives me a look and offers to suck my dick, I’m not gonna say no.”
“I…” Seth was staring at him like he had two heads. “I never would have guessed. Huh. Huh.” He was quiet a moment, biting his lip. “Have you ever done it? Been the one doing the…?” He waved his hand.
“The sucking?” At Seth’s red-faced nod, Logan answered, “A few times when I was in Iraq. Fair’s fair. But it’s mostly hand jobs, or I’ll fuck someone’s ass if they want it. Like I said, it’s just about getting off.” He shrugged. “Not that there’s anything wrong with sucking cock. I don’t look down on you or anything.”
Seth’s eyebrows rose. “Ah. Good to know. So… Have you ever been…on the bottom?”
“No. That would be way too… No. Not into it.” He could admit he’d never tried, and that the idea of being fucked was way too…much. Too gay, although he didn’t say that out loud. There wasn’t anything wrong with it. It just wasn’t for him.
And maybe he’d thought about it sometimes, and he’d been curious once or twice, but hell no. Letting a guy do that would be… Hell, he didn’t know what, but it was better to keep it simple with men.
“What about kissing?”
He screwed up his face. “No. That’s too…” He took another gulp of scotch, warmth spreading through him. “I’m probably sayin’ this shit all wrong. With guys it’s just quick and easy.”
“But you’re not gay.”
“Exactly.” Now Seth was getting it.
“Or bi?”
Logan scoffed. “Isn’t that just being wishy-washy or pretentious?”
“No.” Seth’s brows drew together, and he was quiet a few moments. “You know, it’s perfectly valid to be attracted to both men and women. Bisexuality is real.” He clasped Logan’s shoulder, a current of heat sparking down all the way down to Logan’s fingertips. “It really is okay.”
“Sure. Nothin’ wrong with it. That’s just not me. I’m straight. I’ve been with women since I was fifteen. I love fucking them. The stuff with guys is different. Separate.”
“Huh. I read something about this. Men who have sex with men, but who don’t necessarily identify as gay or bi or somewhere on the LGBTQ-plus spectrum.”
“Spectrum?” Logan echoed. He had no clue what Seth was talking about. He was straight, and sometimes he got off with dudes. He didn’t need to get all fancy or hippie or whatever about it.
Seth’s hand was still gripping Logan’s shoulder, and he looked down at it like he wasn’t sure how it had gotten there. He didn’t move it, though, and Logan didn’t complain. The grasp was warm and strong. Logan’s dick sure liked it, and he rubbed the heel of his hand over himself through his jeans without thinking.
Seth’s gaze zeroed in on Logan’s crotch, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Are you…? Do you want to…?”
“Yeah.” It was the first time in months he’d been turned on, and he realized maybe it wasn’t so strange for Seth to have gone more than a year. Maybe he’d felt as dead inside as Logan. But now, Logan’s blood was pumping, and he wanted release.
Even more than that, he wanted to help Seth.
Seth said,
“I think this is the most surreal conversation I’ve ever had. Wouldn’t it be strange? For us to…”
“Why? It’s just getting off. Doesn’t mean anything. We’re guys. Sometimes I just need to bust a nut. Don’t you?”
“I…” Seth licked his lips, staring between Logan’s face and his crotch. “You know what? Yes. I usually analyze everything to death. Analysis paralysis,” he muttered. Then, louder: “Yes. Sometimes I need to get off. Damn it.”
“Ohh. Watch your language,” Logan teased. His heart raced, lust building in his veins. He could see it on Seth’s face, that determination and growing confidence, and it turned him on big time.
With a grin, Seth shoved at the coffee table so there was enough room for him to drop to his knees in front of Logan. Seth was breathing shallowly as he muttered, almost to himself, “I’m going to do this. I want to do this. There’s nothing wrong with this.” His gaze was locked on Logan’s crotch.
Logan unzipped his jeans and shoved them down with his skivvies, yanking his left foot free so he could spread his legs wide. He gave himself a few tugs as Seth watched like a starving man.
“Go to town,” Logan said.
Seth started without touching Logan’s dick at all, running his palms up and down Logan’s hairy thighs and dipping his head to nose around his belly. His breath was hot, but sometimes he blew it colder over the tip of Logan’s cock, sending shivers through him. Seth’s hands weren’t as callused as some men’s, but they were big and definitely rougher than a woman’s. Not better or worse, just different.
When he drank alcohol, it usually took a while for Logan to get fully hard, but shit, Seth knew what he was doing for a guy with hang-ups. Foreplay was something Logan identified with women. In his experience, most of them liked to take their time. There was no foreplay with men in a bathroom stall or getting off at the bunkhouse.
But hell, as Seth ducked farther and licked at his taint, Logan sure as shit wasn’t going to complain. Seth circled his blunt nails over Logan’s thighs, and goosebumps spread. Logan was rock hard. Damn, it really had been too long.
When Seth finally sucked him into his mouth, Logan moaned loudly. It was so tight and wet, and Seth was doing something with his tongue behind the head that had Logan practically hitting the ceiling. “Fuck, you’re good at this,” he muttered.
The Christmas Deal Page 10