ForsakingEternity

by Voirey Linger

  “I don’t understand you, Ren. Why? If you wanted to be with a man, why not Dom? He loves you.”

  “And I, him.”

  “But you’re going out on a date with Adam. You broke Dom’s fucking heart, insisting you couldn’t be with a guy. Now you’re hooking up with another man.”

  “I simply couldn’t. Not at that time and not with Dominicus.” The emotions between them were too raw, the risk too great. Could it be possible to love another too much?

  She turned away from him then, staring out the windshield with such resignation it broke his heart all over again. “He misses you. He runs his fingers over that one white feather and looks so sad.”

  The white feather. His feather, now a living part of Dominicus, just as Dom’s black feather had become a part of his own wing. The intimate exchange marked them for all to see.

  He reached up to stroke Dom’s feather, forgetting for the moment he had hidden his wings.

  “Ren?” Maggie’s voice drew his attention back to her. “Are you okay? You look a little lost.”

  “It is nothing.” Just a relationship that never was and a need he’d been to cowardly to face.

  “Ren, I…” Maggie nibbled her lip and looked away.

  “What is it?”

  “Dom wants to get a blessing for us. He said it would be like being married and since we can’t get legally married here he’d get a blessing from the Most High.”

  “Ah, little one, why does this make you frown? You should be rejoicing.” He reached up and brushed his thumb over her brow, wishing he could erase the unhappy creases marring it.

  “I guess because I’m not sure how you’d feel about it,” she said with a self-conscious shrug.

  “Why should he be anything less than happy for you?” He shouldn’t be. That little kernel of sadness and regret for what never was shouldn’t be there. Taking a deep breath he willed it away, saying goodbye to the little part of him which wondered about what might have been.

  Dom was finally happy.

  Ren grazed his fingertips over her face to cup her jaw. Tipping her head up he looked into her eyes and willed her to see the truth in his heart. “Maggie, accept this blessing and be happy. It means much more than any human acknowledgment ever could. And know that you have my blessing, too. Make him happy for me.”

  “I want you to do something for me, Ren.” She placed her hand on his arm, pinning him with that slight contact.

  “I will gladly do anything in my ability.” Anything for this woman who had saved his friend.

  “Good. Come see Dom.”

  Ren’s heart broke a little. “Oh, Maggie. You are a sweet human, a pure soul. But you ask the one thing I cannot give. I will promise you, give my oath, that if I am ever able, I will see Dom. But I cannot see him now. I’m not strong enough, not brave enough to face him.”

  She opened her mouth to protest but he leaned over and silenced her with an affectionate brush of his lips against hers. “Now, I must go. Goodbye, and remember, I bear you on my heart as well.”

  * * * * *

  Ren materialized on the college commons, his power drawn around him to hide his presence from the humans. He stretched his wings, relieved to hold his true form after a day of masquerade.

  He’d barely found a comfortable bench on which to sit and wait for Adam when an angel appeared beside him. The interloper wore heavenly robes which gleamed in the autumn sun and his wings brushed against Ren’s own. Ren didn’t need to turn to know the angel had the deep brown wings of a guardian. The safety and peace he emanated were all that were needed to identify him.

  Ren stiffened and pulled his wings closer to his body. He didn’t want the familiarity of sitting wing-to-wing with one of Raphael’s host. Not when he was taking this step into the unknown.

  Ren’s stomach clenched and he squelched the urge to vanish again, to appear half the world away, or in another realm of existence.

  It would do no good. He would simply follow. The only way Evangelos could have known where to find him was if he had been sent and one could not avoid a guardian from the Most High.

  “Greetings to you, Renatus.”

  “And also to you, Evangelos. What brings you to me this day?”

  “A message from the Most High for His servant Renatus.”

  The formality set his teeth on edge. His muscles tensed and he pulled his wings in tight; a reminder to not take flight.

  “You are a guardian, not a messenger.”

  “I am your guardian, and as such I may bring you a message.”

  The absurdity of that statement left Ren staring in disbelief. “Angels do not have guardians.”

  “They usually do not need guardians.” Evan hesitated before continuing, his words slow and precise, as if being carefully chosen to least offend. “This is your moment of Truth and the Most High has sent me to help.”

  His moment of Truth. The future suddenly sat before him like a yawning chasm. One misstep and he could topple over the edge and be lost forever.

  The possibility was frightening.

  “Speak, guardian, that I may know Truth.” He uttered the official acceptance, but his heart did not want it. He stood on the precipice of something which could very well tear his soul to shreds and yet he couldn’t walk away.

  Indulging this curiosity could be defined as a sin.

  Adam would be a sin.

  Outside he held himself still, stoic, but inside was a keening cry, a sense of loss for what he’d never had to begin with.

  “First, a warning. I cannot return to you until you request my presence.”

  Ren nodded his understanding, the knot is in throat too tight to allow words to pass.

  “Truth of the Law is not always what one believes it to be. Once it is written on the soul it becomes a part of a being and can never be escaped. The Law of Men and Angels is near. It is your task to find the scroll and proclaim the Law so all will know Truth and be subject once more.”

  Ren shivered under the power behind the words, a resonance of power which could only come from the Most High himself. He should have known his floundering attempts, his interest in humans and male passion would not go unnoted.

  He nodded to Evangelos, an unnecessary acknowledgment.

  “Before I leave you, I am permitted to share that the scroll you seek is in this town.”

  “I thank you for your assistance.”

  Evan opened his mouth to speak again, but Ren held up a hand, halting the words before they came.

  “Please, leave me with some dignity. If ever you were a true friend, give me this, at least.” He did not want to know how much this angel knew of his venture into the human world, could not bear the shame of knowing his folly was being bandied about Heaven.

  “Ren…” Evan paused. His face filled with concern. Ren had seen that worried look on too many seraphim and cherubim since he’d returned to Heaven alone and wearing a black feather on one snowy wing. “Your actions here are shielded from the angels. I knew nothing until I was sent to you and I will say nothing when I return. But this cannot stay a secret forever, not if you continue. Consider this, and choose wisely.”

  “I must know, Evan. This part of me is crying out for recognition and I must know what it means.”

  “Even in light of the proclamation?”

  “Until the scroll is found the Law isn’t defined.”

  Evan’s disapproval hung heavy between them. The Heavens did not acknowledge loopholes. There was only right and wrong with no shades of gray to confuse or excuse.

  “And what of the human?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You are facing temptation, Ren. Humans have been out of bounds for thousands of years. Are you going to pull Adam into sin with you?”

  Icy apprehension slithered down Ren’s spine. He hadn’t considered any danger to Adam. But Adam was exempt from judgment under the Law.

  “The law of prohibition is an angelic law, not a human one,” he said, me
ntally reviewing the information he’d studied before leaving Heaven. “No, he does not know the Law. Only I am subject.” So long as he was unaware Renatus was an angel, he could not be judged. Ren would make sure Adam remained ignorant until it was time to leave him.

  “And you are willing to face the consequences?”

  “I may be punished, but I will not Fall. Whatever small time I have here is worth any reprimand from on High.”

  Evan gave him a long look, filled with questions that Ren didn’t want to face.

  “You are treading where no wise angel dares. I am frightened for you, Ren.”

  Not long ago Ren had uttered nearly the same thing and his fears had been misplaced. As were Evan’s.

  “I am aware of the risk.” A risk he had to take soon.

  Tonight.

  It might be his only opportunity to feel the touch of this man, to explore what might be.

  He would take advantage of the time he was granted and pray he would not pay for it with damnation.

  Chapter Three

  Adam paused before crossing the street and took a moment to study Ren as he stood waiting by the door of the café.

  Beautiful. There was no other word to describe him. He drew admiring looks from men and women alike but unlike most pretty men he seemed completely unaware of his effect on others. There was no hint of smugness, no flirtatious smiles or self-assured looks. He was modest, maybe even vulnerable.

  The entry lighting for the shop caught the white points of Ren’s collar, making them gleam in the dusky light of early evening. The corduroy jacket he wore over it looked like something salvaged from the days of grunge. The dull, chocolate-brown wide-wale fabric was worn in spots and the faux sheep lining was ragged with age. The decrepit coat seemed out of sync with the polished man he’d met at lunch, and it made Adam wonder what other interesting quirks his date had.

  Ren shuffled his feet, glancing around self-consciously and looking like he’d prefer to be invisible. The action was oddly endearing.

  Then Ren saw Adam, and vulnerability vanished, replaced by simple happiness.

  Adam waved in greeting and crossed the street. Reaching Ren, he waved again, suddenly too nervous to speak. In that moment he was a teenager once more, red-faced and tongue-tied when the quarterback of the football team sat next to him in class. Only this time, the man standing before him wasn’t interested in cheating on a test. Ren was there for him.

  “Good evening, Adam.” Ren’s face flushed and his breath came hard and a little too fast, sending puffs of steam into the chill of the night air. The formal greeting was at odds with his body’s response. The contrast was oddly satisfying.

  “Hi, Ren. It’s good to see you again.” He nodded toward the door of the coffeehouse. “Did you want to eat here tonight or find somewhere…quieter?”

  Ren glanced toward the doorway as a group of men inside burst out in laughter. “Quieter sounds appealing.”

  “I know a place not far from here. Some of the best Italian food you will ever eat. It’s just a few blocks away. We can walk, or if you want to take your car, we can meet there.” And, if he slipped the host a few dollars they could get one of the booths that almost guaranteed privacy for couples. He shouldn’t tell Ren that, though. He seemed to be nervous enough without Adam making such a blatant move.

  “Walking would suit me.”

  Adam released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “Walking would suit me too.”

  They walked silently down the sidewalk, their elbows bumping. Each brief contact sent a spark of awareness through Adam. He wanted to move closer, to turn that spark into something more and let it smolder. Holding back was slow torture.

  But he still wasn’t sure what Ren was ready to handle. Would too much intimacy in public embarrass him? Probably. He seemed the reserved type, and if he was just curious as Adam suspected, more than this incidental contact might send him running.

  He opened the door to the small restaurant and the warm scents of garlic and bread drifted into the chilly night to surround them. The owner greeted them in a flood of enthusiastic Italian and Ren answered with a fluent greeting of his own.

  The owner led them to a back corner, away from the prying eyes of other diners. This town might claim to be liberal and open-minded, but the sight of two men together still raised eyebrows. The staff’s willingness to provide privacy and the discretion the small eatery afforded was as big a draw for Adam as the food.

  “So you speak Italian,” Adam said once the host had left them alone with their menus. Ren’s accent didn’t sound Italian but perhaps he was from somewhere near there. “Is that part of your job?”

  “I suppose it is. I must speak many languages. It is helpful when traveling. But you must know this. You are a language teacher, yes?” Ren opened his menu and glanced over it. “What foods would you recommend tonight? I’m not overly familiar with these choices.”

  “I teach dead languages. Latin and ancient Greek. It’s not the same. And I can recommend the vegetarian lasagna.”

  Ren nodded to the server, indicating he would have the lasagna, and an irritating burst of flattered pride sent a flush of heat to Adam’s cheeks. He was too old to be preening like a teenager. He quickly placed his order for the same and added two glasses of wine.

  “You eat here often,” Ren observed as the server walked away.

  “Fairly. The kitchen isn’t kosher but the vegetarian options meet my needs and are very good.”

  “You follow the Law. You are a man of faith.”

  The comment brought with it the uncomfortable realization that Adam’s meal choices had little to do with faith and everything to do with habit. He watched the law the way a compulsive dieter counted carbs.

  “I follow it as much as is practical.”

  “These languages you teach, if they are dead languages, what is their value?”

  “They might be dead, but they are the root of modern language. Most of the western world has its base in Latin. If you know it, you can decipher modern speech and writing.”

  “But this is not why you love it.”

  “How can you tell?”

  Ren tipped his head to the side and studied him before speaking. “Because I understand truth. It resonates. Many things people say are half-truths, or they speak a truth that is not their own. Very few speak the whole truth. This need to evade is curious.”

  “You have me there. I have a simple love of language. I’m fascinated with old texts. I have a modest collection of manuscripts written in older languages or dialects. Finding them is a thrill. When I get something new, I’ll read through it, do my own interpretations.”

  Adam shifted forward, leaning over the table. “As you know, the words often don’t have a direct translation into English, so many subtle variances and nuances of the original language can be lost. Common translations can completely miss the true meaning and purpose behind the words.”

  Ren smiled, and Adam nearly forgot what they had been talking about.

  Ren was beautiful. How had Adam gotten so lucky as to be sitting across the table from this man? Would tonight end with dinner or would the meal give way to something more? Adam hoped so. He wanted to take Ren home with him.

  Would Ren know what to expect? Had he ever been down this road before? Adam doubted it. Renatus was as timid as a virgin. Adam looked forward to teaching him. He could hardly wait to kiss him, to lay him down, explore him and teach him the pleasure men could find together.

  “I can see language is a subject for which you have a passion.”

  Language, right. Right now Adam could barely remember English. His body stirred and he leaned back, his face a bit warm. “I guess I’m a bit enthusiastic. Sorry.”

  “Why apologize? I think you are much like me. You seek truth.”

  How incredible. Someone who understood him. Even Adam’s best friends thought his obsession with old manuscripts was odd. His quirk, they would call it, trying to soften the blo
w of their teasing. Renatus not only accepted it, he understood what drove Adam.

  “I will admit to having the same habits with legal documents.” Ren pushed at his wineglass, scooting it across the table before toying with the silverware. “When the translation of a single word can alter the legalities, it is vital to understand those subtleties.”

  Their food arrived, and they spent the meal discussing translations and language variations, the driest of subjects imaginable, but with Renatus, the conversation was anything but boring. It was lively and amazing, another language geek with the same eccentricities who actually wanted to hear more about his dull collection of old texts.

  Adam didn’t realize how much time had passed until the check came. A glance around the restaurant told him most diners had long since cleared out.

  “I think we’ve outstayed our welcome,” he said, nodding toward the nearly empty room and the handful of staff waiting for them to finish.

  “I’ve had a most enjoyable evening.”

  “We don’t have to end it. The café is open until two. If you like, we can go there.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Adam wished he could pull them back. What was he doing? He was out on a date with a straight man, one who would walk away.

  Yet every fiber of his being waited, tense with anticipation, to see how far Ren wanted to go.

  Say yes. Please say yes. Don’t run from me, from us, yet.

  “I would like that. Very much.”

  * * * * *

  Ren picked through the nearly deserted tables outside, finding one that was cloaked in darkness. This late, the streets were quiet and most of the shops were dark. The only illumination in this corner of the café came from decorative lights strung under the awnings and from the plate-glass window of the shop.

  From where he sat he could watch Adam through that window, standing at the counter and placing their order. As if sensing his attention, Adam twisted to look at the window and flashed a smile that took Ren’s breath away.

  “Hello, Angel.”

  Ren’s heart sank at the sultry feminine purr.

  “Greetings, Meela.” He forced himself not to react to the unwelcome presence of the other being. A reaction would give the fallen angel what she wanted and that would open a door he might not be able to close again. But inwardly, he chastised himself. How foolish it had been for him to assume Heaven was the only Realm from which to hide his actions.