My Last

by Stefania Gil

  I glanced sideways as his eyes grew as big as saucers.

  He drew in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  He sat down on the couch again.

  “I'm not leaving. We need to talk about this, today.”

  The knot in my throat was getting tighter and tighter but I was not going to collapse in front of him.

  “My two ex-husbands,” I said angrily, “the two of them, they said the same thing at the same time you just did.”

  “In the first place,” he tried to sound calm, but his face indicated he was really annoyed. “I'm tired of you comparing me to those two imbeciles who fooled you. At first I understood, but after two years Jen, I think that's enough.”

  He sighed trying to calm down.

  “Secondly, if I didn’t tell then, when would be a perfect time for you?”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “You see? I've been desperate to tell you for a long time. I dream of the day when we can go hand in hand to family and friends gatherings. I can’t stop thinking about how happy I'll be the day when you finally want to meet my daughter, but that day never seems to come because you are never ready.”

  “When did you ask me to meet her?”

  “Never. Haven’t you ever wondered why?”

  I was silent. Of course I knew, but I preferred to avoid the subject.

  “That's right, Jen. You know. I won’t propose for you to meet my daughter when you won’t even dare tell your best friend you have had something more than casual sex with me for two years. How do you get you to meet my daughter if I don’t know if you and I are going to be together someday? My daughter's emotional stability is most important to me and under no circumstances. I'm going to let her also fall in love with you and then you break both of our hearts.”

  James spoke very seriously and I could even see his eyes redden as he said those last words to me. Suddenly, I wasn’t able to think about his words or his feelings. I was being selfish again and all I thought about was me and my stupid fears.

  Seeing how dumb I was, stuck in fear and locked in my bad memories, James stood and walked to the door.

  He opened it and before leaving, he said:

  “Really, Jen, I love you with all my heart but I want everything with you. I'm sick of trying to bend to your fear of being loved. I want to show you my love in public and let others know how fortunate I am to have found a woman like you on my way. Good bye.”

  When he left and was gone is when I realized how wrong and lost I was.

  The knot in my throat loosened, turning into uncontrolled tears streaming from my eyes and the pressure in my chest restricted my breath.

  I sat on the floor in the middle of the living room crying for I don’t know how long.

  I was in love with James, yes I admitted it one damn time but I wasn’t able to overcome all my fears to love. Maybe, deep down, I didn’t want to overcome anything.

  Maybe everything happening was for the best.

  The only way to end my fears and insecurities was to get James out of my life.

  ***

  I woke up dazed with light streaming through the living room window.

  My eyes burned like the fifth realm of hell, and I could barely open them.

  My head hurt. The pressure in my chest was still there, and the lump in my throat was threatening to return.

  Damn James for making me suffer.

  What an idiot I was for not wanting to admit, I was the only one who caused my suffering considering I loved to shield myself with my fears of love and I loved to wallow in the pity of my past experiences to feed my insecurities.

  Life was complicated and, women, we love to complicate everything even more.

  I wanted to stay home to continue torturing myself and crying all day, but I couldn’t do it. Caroline had organized a barbecue at her house Sunday. She had done it with the intention of all the members spending quality time with their loved ones. To reward them in some way for understanding how busy we were with the bakery and other businesses. Of course, they did more than anything for their families. I was the only one who was still single and childless. I had no one to thank for anything.

  The lump in the throat intensified.

  I swallowed it. I don’t know how. I didn’t let it leave again. A night of hysterical weeping had been more than enough, and I was not about to spend my whole life crying for James.

  No.

  No.

  A thousand times no.

  If I was not willing to give in to love, then my life had to return to normal.

  I got carried away by my familiar impulses. I erased all the contact numbers I had for James. As well as, I removed any and all traces of him from my emails and computer.

  I went into the bathroom, and threw his toothbrush into the trash can.

  I went to the kitchen and I threw away everything that would remind me of him and finally, I let the shower water free me of all the memories I had with him.

  That was a little more difficult, considering the memories refused to leave my mind and my ears. They were hell bent on remembering every word spoken the night before.

  Worse for them. If they didn’t want to forget, I would ignore them.

  I got dressed. I didn’t put any make-up on since there was no way to cover the scarlet red swelling of my eyes, so I put on my huge sunglasses and left home determined to resume my life before James.

  Caroline's house was packed with people.

  They were all in the back garden. Caroline had arranged round tables with brightly colored tablecloths for the guests. We sat down to eat the succulent barbecue prepared by her husband.

  After greeting everyone, I sat down at one of the unoccupied tables, and to my dismay, George, Susan's brother-in-law, sat down beside me.

  George was an unattractive man, and besides, he was one of those men strutting around telling everyone the things he’s done in life. Always doing better than others in business, and so on.

  I don’t know why he strutted so much. Yes, he did well in business, but it was no secret to anyone our bakery was the most profitable business of all the families involved. Every time he talked about women, he seemed to think himself an Adonis. Nor was it a secret to anyone he was as unsuccessful-or more so-than I was in love.

  He came toward me with that stupid smile he wore and I was grateful to be wearing dark sunglasses so no one would notice the way I rolled my eyes.

  From the moment he greeted me and began to talk, I put myself in the mode: Smile, nod once in a while and turn your attention to something else.

  I did that.

  I noticed Holly and her children had arrived, I saw her and Steve exchanging words.

  It was more than obvious Steve was still attracted to Holly. You only had to look at how his eyes shone to realize it.

  I remembered the gleam in James's eyes as I opened the front door last night.

  My heart pounded, as if protesting something, and I ignored it. No thoughts of James. None.

  When I was about to let George have the worst cursing in history, my dear friend Holly rescued me.

  “Darling!” She greeted me taking me by the arm. I need you to come and give me a hand in the kitchen. “How are you, George?” She greeted the man.

  “Okay, Holly, thanks,” he said without even realizing I was upset with him and of course, he never understood the interruption had been on purpose.

  “I must take Jen for a moment,” she said, winking at him.

  “No problem, I'll wait here to continue our conversation,” and it was he who winked at me.

  “He’s unbearable,” I told Holly as we walked toward the kitchen.

  She laughed.

  “He's a nice man, Jen,” she said as we walked into the kitchen. “Coffee?”

  “Three liters at least, please.”

  She poured me a cup of coffee.

  “Mrs. Morgan, how are you?” Interrupted a boy accompanied by Claire a
nd Jason.

  “That’s a handsome boy”! I said in a barely perceptible whisper to Holly.

  She looked at me with disapproval as she greeted the boy in question.

  “Hi, Auntie Jen,” Claire greeted me, and then Jason did the same.

  “Adam,” Claire said to the boy, taking him by the hand and drawing him closer to me, “she's my fabulous Aunt Jen. Although today, it does not look so fabulous.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Adam said.

  It was clear to me the gorgeous Adam was Claire's boyfriend.

  “Mind what you say young lady,” I protested. “I'm always going to be your fabulous Aunt Jen. You,” I pointed to Adam, “be careful with my niece. My revenge is often very cruel.”

  Adam just laughed, as did the rest of us.

  “I'm sorry,” he said when he finished laughing. “I don’t mean to make light of what you said and I don’t mean to hurt Claire either.”

  It was true. Holly and I recognized their hope.

  “Let's just leave them alone,” Jason added. “By the way you look,” he said, giving me a loving embrace, “I suppose the party last night was colossal. So they'll want to talk about it and I'm sure we don’t want to know what happened at your super party.”

  “I agree. We'll see you later,” Claire added, leaving the kitchen with Jason and Adam.

  “Now, you can tell me what happened last night,” Holly said, sipping her drink.

  I took off my glasses and almost scared her to death.

  “I fooled around with James.”

  “Your friend the builder,” she added, smiling.

  I nodded my head.

  “So? What’s the problem? The truth is your eyes say you cried a lot after the party.”

  I sighed.

  “The trouble is, James, is in love with me, I snorted and he told me after sex. He didn’t even wait for the blood to flow back into his head.”

  “I still don’t see the problem, Jen.”

  “Holly! I can’t believe a man who tells me he loves me after having sex with me.”

  “Which means you're in love with him, too.”

  “Why do you think I cried?” I said ironically.

  “Maybe James, is being honest. He deserves to be given a chance.”

  “Are you listening, Holly Morgan?” I said, almost hysterical. “You have lived with me through my love misfortunes and you know very well I don’t intend to fall in love with anyone again. My two husbands were imbeciles, and I loved them to the point, I believed the stupid ‘I love you’ they told me after having sex with me without thinking.”

  “James doesn’t seem like your ex-husbands.”

  “How much do you know about him to say that?”

  “I don’t know Jen,” she said, “he doesn’t seem like them.”

  I sighed in defeat.

  “Why don’t you give him a chance?”

  “Are you going to give Steve a chance?”

  “My situation is different, Jen,” she said seriously. “To me, Sam never deceived me and never abandoned me. So I can’t give Steve a chance.”

  “I'm going to win the chance Holly, don’t worry.”

  We both turned around immediately. Steve was entering the kitchen, and neither of us had noticed. I put on my glasses quickly.

  “Oh! Steve!” We didn’t know you were there,” I said, distressed.

  Steve, went straight to the ice maker to fill the bucket he carried.

  “I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” he said amusedly. “However, I’m glad to have entered at the most important part of the conversation.”

  He finished filling the bucket with ice and then told us:

  “Ladies, I'll see you later. I must bring the ice down before Caroline comes to fetch me.”

  He left the kitchen.

  “Tell me the truth,” Holly told me as she filled our cups with coffee. “Do you want James or not?”

  My eyes turned redder.

  “Let's go where the others are, the barbecue must be ready and I'm hungry.”

  It was all I could say to Holly considering once again, I wanted to lie to myself by making myself believe it was still time to get James out of my heart.

  ***

  The days were passing with a surprising pace. Thank God, the busier you are, the less time you have to think.

  Although I would have liked to have twice the work to occupy my mind the few hours in which I took refuge at home since those were the worst times of the day for me.

  Every time I opened the front door, I couldn’t help but remember the last night James had surprised me. Each time I sat in the lounge chair, I couldn’t get the image of James telling me ‘I Love You’ out of my head and every time I left the house, I couldn’t help recalling the painful moment when James left my life.

  Yes, painful. I admitted it seeing as it hurt more than I wanted.

  That was life and if you are determined to fight your feelings, all you have left is to accept what happens and wait for the wound to close.

  Though mine seemed to be as deep as the center of the earth and not to have the slightest intention of ever healing.

  It was Friday, Rick and I were making the last arrangements for Claire's birthday party the next day.

  Her sweet sixteen. We had planned everything, down to the last detail. She wanted a simple party since she asked her mother for a Caribbean cruise as a birthday present.

  The party would be in the back garden of her house, with her closest friends and family.

  However, there would be a dance floor, a DJ and of course, there had to be decoration.

  Rick and I had been working quietly for some time.

  Until he could not stand it anymore and broke.

  “Is James still in Hawaii?” My heart cringed at the question. I didn’t know and Rick didn’t know everything that happened between us.

  Although perceptive, I wasn’t surprised by his question due to him already noticing the real situation.

  Since that night, I hadn’t heard from James. It seemed he had done the same thing as me, leaving things as they had been, period.

  “I don’t know,” I answered Rick.

  He left what he was doing and stared me dead in the eyes.

  “Then, if my suspicions are true.”

  “I don’t know what your suspicions are, Rick.”

  I looked back at the bouquet I was working on.

  Rick kept staring at me in the face.

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  I sighed.

  He was silent.

  A silence I couldn’t bear.

  I was a masochist. If he asked me about James, I said I did not want to talk about it. It made me nervous when Rick didn’t insist on knowing what had happened.

  Maybe, I needed —desperately— to talk about my feelings with someone.

  Almost without breathing, I told him everything that had happened.

  Rick looked at me seriously.

  He didn’t interrupt me not once.

  “And that's all,” I said, trying to draw a deep breath. “He's gone. I deleted any trace of him from my life and I'm working, very hard, to leave that chapter of my life behind. I want to be the carefree Jen again. The one who only wanted adventures. Period.”

  “What does your heart want, Jen?”

  Damn Rick. Why did he always have to ask such deep questions at the least opportune moments?

  I was silent.

  A lump rose in my throat.

  Rick snorted.

  “It seems to me not wanting to get hurt again in a relationship, you missed a great opportunity to be happy with a serious man who respected and appreciated you. A patient man who expected you to express what you felt for him. Everyone gets tired of being in such a situation. I don’t blame him.”

  “Are you going to support him?”

  “I would be a fool if I supported you.”

  “All right! Thank you for being
against me then!”

  Rick looked at me with compassion.

  “Honey, I'm not against you. I'm helping you see you're a fool. I understand your fears. I would also feel as insecure as you if I had to go through such bad experiences as the ones you went through, but Jen, life is about erasing and starting fresh. You are a great woman, beautiful, successful and crying out to be loved. You have to realize that.”

  His words echoed in my brain and made me feel a sharp pang in my chest.

  He was right. Everyone was right but I didn’t know how to put my fears aside.

  “The fact,” I said, trying not to see the importance of his words, “it's done, and we both decided to take separate paths. So, there is nothing to do.”

  Rick smiled sadly and shook his head.

  “I hope you don’t regret it.”

  I panicked at those words. I had never stopped to think if I would regret everything I had stopped doing with James. I wished Rick, had never made me realize it. I understood I was sorry and I needed James more than anything in my life.

  ***

  Claire's party had been great.

  The deafening music and rebellious teenager’s spirit, made us all have a very pleasant time.

  It all ended after midnight. When I got in my car to return home, I appreciated the silence. I didn’t even turn on the car radio because my ears still buzzed with the party racket.

  I parked in front of my house, as usual. When I got out of the car, it was almost something to see, James was sitting on my porch.

  A strange and sudden tremor invaded my whole body making it almost impossible for me to move my legs and arms naturally.

  I wanted to run when our eyes met. He got up giving me a half smile.

  “Hello.”

  I swallowed thickly, very thickly, because I wanted to say hello but, something caught in my throat, I was failing since my voice didn’t come out.

  My stomach contracted.

  James approached me and hugged me.

  A tight hug that made it impossible for me to breathe.

  “We have to talk,” he said in a whisper. “Please.”

  I couldn’t argue with the plea I saw in his beautiful blue eyes.

  We entered the house.

  I sat beside him on the couch.

  We were silent for a few minutes in which he didn’t miss the opportunity to analyze me and kiss my hand he had clung to since I sat next to him.