My Last

by Stefania Gil

  Holly was at the cash register when I accompanied Steve there with the desserts he wanted to buy.

  “Steve is going to take this, Holly. Can you put it in a bag, please?”

  “Sure,” she said, smiling. Holly was convinced Steve and I could amount to something. However, she still didn’t know how James fit into my life. I still wasn’t ready to tell James about my best friend. So she thought Steve was an excellent candidate for me, but since I'd introduced him to the pastry kitchen that very day before the opening, I understood Steve liked someone, and it wasn’t me.

  “For today, the desserts are on the house Steve,” I said, smiling at Steve as he was taking out his wallet.

  “No way,” he protested. “If they give it to me for free, I would be ashamed to return again tomorrow, considering I am one of the members’ brother, they would force me to always take things free of charge. I can’t afford to. I want to return every day and not just for the desserts,” he said, looking at Holly as if my friend were another pastry dessert, and winked at her.

  I saw my friend's cheeks reddened and I couldn’t contain my laughter.

  “Holly, can you charge Steve for his items, please?” I asked, still smiling.

  Holly didn’t charge anything because suddenly, the three bulbs in the lamps over the counter exploded.

  “Can we go to the office for a moment?” I asked Holly earnestly.

  We walked to the office and closed the door.

  “What just happened out there, Holly? You don’t have to be a paranormal lover to realize what they say on TV about a ghost’s wrath is true.”

  “Was it you?” She asked an empty corner in the office and I guessed she was talking to Sam.

  “What nonsense, Sam Morgan!” I tried to interrupt her, but Holly raised a hand indicating this wasn’t a good time. Whoever knew her understood that gesture meant: I am VERY annoyed. “He is one of my partners’ brother. Can’t you just be nice? Where do you get that I like Steve?”

  She paused and then said in a slightly louder voice, which to Holly, was the equivalent of yelling:

  “Oh my God! I think today, you have crossed the line, Sam!”

  I was about to laugh because it was funny to see Holly upset and almost shouting at the wall.

  “Can you believe it?” She turned to me. “My husband says I like Steve.”

  “That’s obvious,” I said seriously. “You don’t have to be a ghost to realize something so obvious.”

  The bulb in the office lamp began to flicker.

  “Listen to me, Sam,” I said. “Since the beginning, I haven’t agreed with you being a ghost next to Holly, because it seems to me everyone should go their way. I haven’t said a word about it, seeing it is your business. You and your masochism. But, don’t you dare break anything else in my place, because I'm going to be so angry that I'm going to kick your ghostly ass without needing to see you.”

  I sighed and looked at Holly's face.

  “I’m sorry. I told you once, this is not healthy for either of you. Everyone must accept their destiny. So this doesn’t happen again, Holly, I promise I'm going to gossip to the entire family so we can all find a solution to this madness.”

  Knock, Knock.

  I opened it and it was Steve.

  “Can I speak with you a second, Holly?”

  “I'm leaving,” I said.

  “No, please stay, to be a witness.”

  Holly and I stared at him in confusion.

  “My sister just scolded me for the way I've been looking at you all morning.” She blushed. “I didn’t know you had been widowed recently. I’m sorry. You're a very attractive woman. I'm not going to deny it. However, you deserve a little more respect and consideration from me.”

  My friend had run out of words. I thought about how I looked when I was with James and he said something like that to me.

  “Thanks, Steve,” was all Holly could say as I observed Steve with the eyes of a love struck teenager. Little by little and I sighed like teenagers when they see the boy they like.

  Steve was charming and the perfect candidate for my friend to rebuild her love life in the future.

  On opening day, James couldn’t be present and it was good considering no one knew we were in a relationship. He was in Hawaii studying the terrain for the tourist housing project he had spoken to me about a few months earlier.

  It was not a formal relationship so that's why I didn’t feel compelled to tell my loved ones.

  Although it seemed to me we had stopped being casual friends. We didn’t see each other very often, but that didn’t stop us from calling and talking or keeping an eye on each other. If, in the same way, one day I had been able to take the step of calling him. I can swear on that day, I would be immensely joyous listening to his voice. It made me wonder if I was really doing the right thing.

  No doubt, I was more at ease with him and without realizing it, I made him a part of my life. I bought chocolate at the supermarket for when he was at my home. I even let him leave a toothbrush in my bathroom and a change of clothes in my closet.

  The truth is he did not know what to wear, the few times we saw each other-privately-we always lay naked around the house, taking advantage of every second we had free, and then, before dawn, James dressed in what he wore previously and went home. He never stayed for breakfast since he always said he wanted to eat breakfast with his daughter.

  James was an intelligent man. When we were in front of my partners, he behaved like a very respectful friend and showed no preference to me. Holly was the only one who knew James and I would meet at my house for “casual” sex. She was very surprised when I told her, once and unconsciously, James had come to my house one night. She didn’t ask anything about it, she just let me talk, although she kept smiling amused while I let my mouth say more than it should.

  In the two years that followed the opening, all of our personal lives took second place due to us being absorbed by so much work. Which was rewarding, but exhausting. The immediate success of ‘No Guilt’ was awesome. Since it opened its doors it grew rapidly.

  Two years of satisfactory and constant work. The florist also grew. I continued to take care of it as much as I did the bakery. Sometimes I left Rick in charge for a few days because I had to take turns with the rest of my partners lending a hand in supervising the staff or making desserts when the employees in the kitchen couldn’t keep up with the requests.

  We managed to get a reality TV show just like S & C Bakery and, it triggered sales nationwide. Of course, we had to hire more personal staff allowing us to stabilize the work routine in the bakery and the rest of our business.

  Susan, Caroline, Holly and I were an excellent team and we got along very well outside of work.

  In those two years, James and I were seeing each other when we could. The Hawaii project had finally started after some inconvenience. James was the architect and supervisor of the job. His father didn’t want to surrender supervision to a stranger. So James spent more time on the island than in Chicago.

  Every three months, he returned to Chicago for a week. That time, he split between his family, his daughter, his outstanding business in the city and me.

  There were weeks when we could only see each other one or two nights. At first, it did not affect me so much, since our encounters since the beginning of the relationship were always sporadic but, with the passage of months and after two years, everything was becoming more complicated inside.

  During the moments of crisis, I was insecure after James’ absence, I regretted immensely having allowed him so much entry into my life.

  Had I continued with my initial plans and ignored his plans for winning me over, I would have been happy knowing he was thousands of miles away. A few hours from Honolulu and Chicago, allowing us very little opportunity to talk by phone or Skype.

  I thought about returning to sessions with the good Dr. Rose, but the doctor seemed to have been swallowed by a hole in the ground because she was
no longer at the address I had and her telephone was disconnected.

  So I had no one to talk to. The truth didn’t encourage me to visit a new therapist to whom I had to explain the battle I refused to lose with love.

  My sessions were to breathe deeply and sink my insecurities into a bottle of wine by candlelight, submerged in a warm bath while crying like a real idiot.

  I still had pre-menopause hot flashes however not as intense as at first so I began to dress and feel more in line with the seasons. The seasons were changing from spring to summer.

  At night, I returned home, took a light shower and put on a pair of cotton pajamas. The oldest and most ridiculous I owned. They were the most comfortable. All pink and full of teddy bears. I didn’t even know why I'd bought something so horrific. Every time I looked at them, I wondered what the hell I was thinking when I bought them. Once I slipped into them, I remembered though they were beyond ugly and all, they were still the most comfortable thing I had ever bought.

  Besides, I lived alone and no one had to know that I had a pajama set as cheesy and worn as this in my closet.

  While avoiding mirrors, I was more than enough.

  I went to the kitchen, prepared a sandwich and sat in front of the TV. A Gray’s Anatomy marathon of the fourth season was on and since I loved that series and had no plans, I had no problem sitting and watching it.

  At some point in the plot, I started thinking about James. In Honolulu, it was 4 p.m. and I knew James would be working. It was Saturday, but I knew James worked from Monday to Monday when he was there. They wanted to finish the project as soon as possible. Apparently there were new projects to attend and this from Hawaii was taking more time than they had planned.

  I looked at my cell phone and had an urgent need to call James. I needed to hear his husky and seductive voice.

  On impulse I dialed his number.

  The voicemail came on.

  The same had happened the day before and I left a message.

  A pressure built in my chest. Instead of thinking maybe something had happened to him, my stupid mind assaulted me with thoughts and images of James going out with another woman by us being so far apart.

  I stopped eating when my stomach began to twitch.

  “Stop thinking nonsense, Jen,” I said aloud, putting the cell phone back on the couch beside me.

  I tried to concentrate on TV again but couldn’t stop being insecure.

  My attitude at my age was ridiculous.

  Those insecurities were for teenagers, not for a premenopausal woman! But I couldn’t help it! All my past experiences, coupled with the absence of James and not knowing what he did when he finished working in Honolulu, made me feel like an insecure teenager.

  The doorbell rang startling me.

  I opened the door without checking to see who it was first and not thinking about how I looked.

  I met those bright blue eyes I liked so much.

  The universe tried to send me a clear message, which I, as always, refused to see.

  ***

  James gave me a lopsided smile I liked so much and his eyes scanned me from top to bottom. I was sure he made fun of my attire.

  I wanted the earth to swallow me. How could it be that tonight, I dressed in the most cheesy and dreadful pajamas in the world.

  He came up to me, cradled my face in his hands and gave me a sweet kiss on the lips.

  It had been a little over three months since we'd been together. Only that night, I was aware how much I wanted him to come see me.

  He hugged me.

  “How I missed you.” He whispered.

  I missed him too, but damn it! I could not get the words out of my mouth.

  I smiled. As I used to do when I couldn’t answer “Me too”

  I crossed my arms over my chest in order to hide my appearance. I was not wearing a bra, and the pajama cloth was so worn, my nipples could be seen through the cloth without a problem.

  I followed James to the couch after closing the door.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were in town, I would have been ready to meet you?” I protested eyeing my pink pajamas.

  “I wanted to surprise you,” he said, sitting on the couch and stretching out his hand seating me on his lap.

  He did. I used my other arm to continuously try to cover the fabric’s transparency across my chest.

  “I've seen you naked. So you can stop covering yourself.”

  I smiled distressed.

  “If you've just arrived, you must be hungry. Let's go to the kitchen, I’ll prepare something for you.”

  During our time together, I had learned new things about James, like he was very bad in the kitchen, for example.

  I tried to get up but James prevented me.

  He kissed me aggressively and desperately.

  A kiss that drove me crazy.

  He buried his face in my neck, inhaling profoundly and said:

  “I didn’t come for you to cook for me, Jen. I'm hungry, but for you.”

  My God! With words like those my intimate parts moistened.

  His hands began to glide over my body with a burning need.

  I straddled him, letting his hands fall to my chest.

  He squeezed them gently. I arched my back with the contact, causing my chest to rise a little, staying right at the level of his mouth.

  Without thinking, James gripped my breasts firmly and placed his mouth over them. I was grateful for the thin pajama cloth now since I could feel the warmth on my nipples.

  Suddenly, he grabbed me by the throat, forcing me closer to his mouth seizing mine with an urgent kiss loaded with passion and despair.

  He stripped me of my shirt. I closed my eyes when his mouth connected to each of my nipples again. He caressed them with his lips and half opened mouth with just enough space to suck inside the area erected by desire.

  I helped him remove his jacket and shirt. I wanted to caress every inch of his strong chest and arms. His skin was more golden than usual thanks to the sun he got on the island.

  James's skin was an aphrodisiac to me. It was as smooth as silk and the smell emanating from him drove me crazy.

  I loved to kiss his neck, allowing my tongue to entertain every inch of skin covering the area. I got drunk with the mixture of his natural scent and the manly cologne he used daily.

  “I needed to be with you like this,” he said in a choked voice. “I need you every day, Jen.”

  I didn’t want to think about what he was telling me, nor did I want answers. My moisture grew more and more intense. I needed to continue with what we started.

  In a sudden movement, I found myself beneath him.

  He kissed my breasts again. This time, gently nibbling my nipples.

  “Oh, James!” I whispered.

  He slid down my belly and without thinking, he undressed me completely. He opened my legs and caressed my most sensitive area, which by now was swollen and more sensitive than usual.

  I moaned.

  James hissed at the sound, like a snake watching its prey.

  He closed his mouth over my clit and with coordinated movements, I felt his warm breath, the tip of his tongue and a finger slipped inside me.

  “Good God, Jen!” You are so wet!”

  I couldn’t say anything. On instinct I ran a hand down my chest squeezing my nipple while the other, tugged a handful of James’ hair.

  I lifted my head slightly to watch to the scene below.

  My eyes met his and with the combination of all the sensations of his actions, I reached the stars.

  My body trembled with the orgasm.

  James didn’t separate from me. He continued his laborious task, making the most of the moment. He wanted more from me.

  He was going to get it. I wanted to explode again.

  I didn’t know when he had stripped off the rest of his clothes.

  He separated a few moments from me.

  “Please don’t stop,” I pleaded.

  �
�Yes, I'm going to stop, because I want to be inside you.”

  He positioned his shaft into my mouth.

  I pleasured him as he wanted.

  After covering his cock with a condom, he sat down on the couch.

  I straddled him, feeling as his cock was fully inserted into me.

  My inner folds were so damp, James' entrances and exits filled me to the extent of his member. As his movements became faster, I couldn’t help reaching another series of orgasms.

  He held me tightly by my hair, forcing me closer to his mouth, kissing me so passionately my vagina contracted bringing him to his climax. A guttural noise escaped him in the midst of our kiss.

  The extended kiss allowed our bodies to relax a little after releasing all of our desire filled tension.

  Even our sexes throbbed as James parted a few inches from my mouth cradling my face in his hands.

  That's when I knew something bad was going to happen.

  He stared me directly in the eyes and said:

  “I love you.” He kissed his words tenderly on my lips.

  ***

  I couldn’t help the barrage of bad memories flooding me.

  ‘I love you’ declared after sex, was a bad sign in my life. My two ex-husbands had told me at the time and both of them had deceived me.

  I had spent so much time struggling against the fear of love and everything I had managed to achieve, vanished the moment James told me he loved me.

  Everything.

  Those words dried up my libido. My body tensed and I couldn’t help but watch James almost in terror.

  “I'm sorry,” he said when he noticed my frightened expression. “I shouldn’t have said it right now. But, Jen, it's what I feel and I need to express it.”

  I separated from him without saying a word. I was in shock.

  “Jen, please. Forgive me, I was an idiot.”

  I had an uncontrollable knot in my throat.

  I got up from the couch and got dressed.

  James did the same.

  The silence between us became as heavy as an anvil. My ears rang and I couldn’t think clearly.

  “Please,” I said, my voice shaking. “Leave me alone, James.”