A Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth

by Gerhard Gehrke

  “Our orders are that at least one of us will go with you to assist,” he said.

  Before the Grey could protest, the Bunnie began to cram himself inside. Each leg took effort, the multiple joints cracking as they bent and contorted. The Bunnie's fat abdomen proved the biggest problem, the bulbous mass jiggling and straining like a water balloon about to burst. Finally, the Bunnie made it inside. His body took up all of the airlock, and it couldn't move much once the Grey remotely closed the hatch.

  “You'll have to stay here while I pilot the ship,” the Grey said.

  The Grey made its way up a narrow ladder to a minuscule cockpit. It sighed when it saw how tiny the compartment was. Three Clyptus could fit comfortably. The Grey would have to contort just to squeeze into the room, and it could never sit in any of the flight seats. The controls would prove impossible to manipulate, tiny buttons and touchpads designed by and for a species with fingers the width of a fork's tine. But no matter. The Grey accessed one of its wet apps equipped with the Clyptus ship's piloting protocols. Inappropriate for precision flight or combat, but adequate for the short journey ahead.

  “Automated pilot mode,” the Grey said. “Prepare for flight.”

  The controls on the bridge lit up, and the entire ship hummed to life. “Engage engines,” the Grey said. “Lift off.”

  The ship shielded its passengers from any sensation of movement. The Grey pushed its head past a support beam in the center of the bridge and looked at one of the control screens. It showed the ship was moving vertically, a perfect liftoff. The Grey imagined any humans outside that were watching would be confused at the sight of the Clyptus ship in flight as it would look like a levitating tree.

  “Navigation history,” the Grey said. One screen obediently scrolled data. The Grey had to squint as reading the tiny screen proved problematic. The displays revealed the navigation history since the ship's arrival on Earth. “Set course: waypoint zero, Commons elevator.”

  The ship's computer beeped an acknowledgment. They flew towards the Clyptus' point of entry where they had left their ship-sized elevator. The ship flew quickly, yet the Grey felt no motion, a smooth ride, as would be expected from any Commons member's vehicle. It would take less than a minute to arrive at the waypoint and the elevator.

  “We pick up my shipmates first!” the Bunnie shouted from below. His strained voice carried up through the ship's interior. The creature couldn't move whatsoever and remained jammed in the cargo bay.

  “Not with this ship or that elevator we don't,” the Grey said. “That's why it has taken so long. We need more than one elevator. I'm heading back to the Commons, and you're going to have to come with me. Communicate this to your leader. And there's something you'll have to do when we get there.”

  When the Grey explained what was to be done, the Bunnie got excited. He tried to wiggle and bounce but was restricted from any kind of demonstrative movement. He finally settled down and said, “It's time.”

  ***

  Inside the Clyptus hangar back in the Galactic Commons, the crew on duty awaited their combat platoon's return. A chime sounded, indicating the elevator's arrival carrying their soldiers. Automated machines went into action. A conveyor system began to run. Large mechanical arms with ship-sized claws moved to receive the incoming vessel recently arrived from the human world. The Clyptus had disinfectants loaded into an array of nozzles, ready to sanitize both ship and crew, as Earth's many fungi and insects could prove troublesome to their race. One tech had their Captain's proctobotany field sample case ready in case there were any specimens to be added to the bestiary. The other Clyptus gave the field case a wide berth.

  With a clang, giant doors at the hangar's ceiling opened. Magnetic tethers lowered the ship from the transportation terminal and into the hangar where the Clyptus' machinery took over. The Clyptus flight deck crew trembled in eager anticipation of the tales of Vendetta they would soon hear. What grassy wrath had been wrought upon the humans? A harsh buzz signaled that the ship was locked safely into its slip. One of the Clyptus came forward and opened the hatch so the returning crew could exit.

  The hangar worker saw the back end of the Bunnie abdomen and didn't know what to make of it. He got closer for a look. A gland on the abdomen's underside pulsated once and spat out a stream of white webbing that shotgunned over three of the waiting Clyptus. They writhed and shouted for help and tugged at the webs. Seizing on the distraction, the Bunnie worked his butt out the ship's cargo hatch. The Clyptus not covered with the webbing busied themselves in trying to pull their mates from the sticky substance. They didn't notice the giant sixteen-legged invader unfolding himself next to them until he was upon them. Between the hangar walls and the city alerts, no one outside heard the screams.

  ***

  “I've never seen these beings before,” Fizz said. The tripod scientist with the eyestalk looked Oliop and Jeff over with indifference and disdain. The being's curious and courteous manner when Jeff had first met him was gone. “This human is an unregistered alien? That's a breach of protocols and could be the cause of all the tumult. Officer, I advise you to escort this being back to his home world in compliance with Galactic Commons protocol.”

  They all stood in Fizz's basement beside a large vat of liquid that bubbled and churned, filling the air with a yeasty smell.

  “Frankly, Captain,” Fizz said, “I'm surprised that you would even have them here, or at least this human. Has it had its shots?”

  “You've never seen him before?” Flemming asked.

  “You did,” Jeff said. “You're lying. Captain, we were here in this lab. He interviewed Oliop and me. He was keen on figuring out what the Grey was up to and why I got kidnapped in the first place. If you don't want to help, fine, but stop lying.”

  Oliop nodded.

  “Guy's a jerk,” Jordan said. “I could have stayed on Earth to find one of those, you know.”

  Jeff walked to the vat with the bubbly liquid. “This is your feeding tank, right?” He gave the tank a tap with his foot. “Upstairs is your main lab where you checked me for nanobots and anything else the Grey might have added to my body.”

  “Lead the way,” Flemming said to Fizz.

  “This is outrageous,” Fizz said. “And a waste of my time.” Flemming just stared at him. Fizz sighed and took them upstairs, grumbling to himself. They passed a pair of closed doors before Jeff pointed to the door that led to the lab. Fizz stood at the door but didn't open it.

  “This is your lab,” Jeff said.

  “Lucky guess,” Fizz said. “Your species might have similar buildings and vats of beverages just like mine. Captain, this is pointless.”

  “Want me to guess the color of the room?” Jeff said. “Or how about the device you gave Oliop to use back on earth to search for the mysterious particles?”

  “Do you have this device?” Flemming asked.

  Jeff looked at Oliop. “Nope,” Oliop said. His face fell in sorrow. “The Bunnie took my stuff.”

  “How convenient to your tale,” Fizz said.

  Jeff saw Fizz's vertically-arranged eyes arch. The entire eyestalk curled forward. Between those gestures and the supercilious tone of voice, Fizz was experiencing the joy of a minor victory over an inferior, all according to Jeff's translator. Jeff wanted to kick one of his legs out from under him.

  “Fizz,” Captain Flemming said, “You're a scientist with a stellar reputation. You also have a secondary reputation as a broker in private data, interspecies espionage, and other off-the-grid intelligence work that doesn't normally fall into the jurisdiction of Commons security.”

  “Hearsay,” Fizz said.

  “Hmm,” Flemming said. “Protocol would have me inform your species rep before conducting an investigation thorough enough to go over ever inch of this lab that would corroborate Oliop's story. Yet, I believe the human and time is not a luxury we enjoy at the moment.”

  Fizz waved a dismissive tentacle.

  “I don't want to do any of
that,” Flemming said. “There's something about to happen that the Grey is involved with that could be a threat to all of us. The Commons is under attack.”

  “That sounds quite dramatic,” Fizz said dryly.

  “What I'm saying is that I'm not at all interested in any of your other activities. None of them. Won't you help us out?”

  “Again, Captain,” Fizz said, “I've never seen these beings before.”

  Oliop's ears fell in dejection. Jeff pushed past Fizz and opened the door to the lab.

  “Hey,” Fizz said. “Stay out.”

  Jeff walked over to the desk Oliop had gotten into earlier. “I've seen the contents of this drawer before,” he said. “Still have the sphere with you hugging your soulmate in here?” Jeff tapped the drawer.

  “Leave that alone,” Fizz said. “Captain...”

  Ceph stepped forward and moved Jeff aside and opened the drawer. He produced the orb with the hologram and held it up for all to see. The three-dimensional rendering of the two tentacled beings was perfect. Fizz and his nearly identical friend he was entwined with both looked happy in the frozen scene inside the illuminated orb.

  “I submit to you, Captain,” Jeff said, “Fizz and his lover.”

  Fizz sighed. “That's my daughter, curse your eyes.”

  Ceph turned the orb around, considering the hologram. “Pretty as a picture,” he said.

  “She is, isn't she,” Fizz said. He took the hologram from Ceph and placed it back in the desk. “Okay, fine, they were here. I consulted with them. I checked him over to see if the Grey did anything to him. I discovered nothing during my exam and was curious if they could find anything back on the human world, a trace of something that the Grey might have placed on or around Jeff Abel that would account for some of the weird incidents surrounding him.”

  “The failed first contacts,” Flemming said.

  “Yes,” Fizz said. “And the staple gun.” He explained the staple gun and how it hadn't stayed put inside the null-space pocket. “But without the data from their field trip back to the human world, I don't have anything to go on. Does this really have anything to do with what's happening here in the city? I find it hard to believe.”

  “The alerts indicate large-scale human contact here in the Commons,” Flemming said. “Like an infection, no offense to you humans. But we haven't found any humans until these two showed up.”

  “Excuse me,” Jeff said, “But what exactly are talking about here when you say 'human contact'? You're not actually seeing other humans? The Grey could have brought more, I guess.”

  “Trace particles,” Ceph said. “DNA. No sightings, though.”

  “So you or your sensors are picking up random human DNA, and that's setting off a city-wide alert?” Jeff asked.

  Flemming had a handheld device out and was reading and interacting with the tiny screen. “Not random human DNA. Your DNA. It's as if you had appeared in several places throughout the Commons, just in time for your appearance on our list as a murder suspect.”

  “A what?” Jeff said. Jeff wasn't sure where to begin with that. He ran his fingers back through his hair and took a breath. “Look, I don't know what happened, but that couldn't have been me. I didn't hurt anyone with your Welcome Committee, not here and not on Earth. And my tour of this city has been limited. I was brought here by the Grey, and then I was with Oliop. And I definitely didn't murder anyone.”

  Flemming nodded. “I'm beginning to appreciate that possibility. You don't look like something capable of self-division, which is too bad since it could account for the multiple contacts. Alas, I liked that theory. But you were in our computer system from the data the Happy Alien Welcome Committee collected. So however these human signals were produced, they triggered a citywide alert comparable to a contagious outbreak. I've never seen anything like this. No one has in current memory.”

  “So the city sensors were duped,” Jeff said.

  “Not likely,” Fizz said. He gave the two cops a look, and said, “I've tried to dupe them before.” Fizz made a throat clearing noise. Flemming gestured for him to continue. “The sensors react to true or engineered biomass, even microscopic. Engineered forms have signature flaws that can be detected. My guess is that the city sensors detected actual Jeff Abel particles.”

  “How?” Flemming said.

  Jeff shuddered. “The Grey. When he brought me here, he did something besides give me the translator.”

  Fizz gave an affirmative gesture, more a bow than a nod. “Took something from you, I'll wager. Not difficult at all. The little bugger harvested human particles from the human. Without consent.”

  “Definitely without consent,” Jeff said.

  “Eyugh,” Jordan said. “I don't want to know how.”

  “The why of it still escapes me,” Flemming said. “And how did the Grey cause the entire system to lock up? The city is paralyzed.”

  Fizz said something, but his words came out as a series of bubbly pops from a set of orifices at the bottom of his eyestalk. He had been speaking like this the whole time, but suddenly Jeff didn't understand a word of it. Oliop screeched and chittered. Jeff didn't follow that, either. Next, everyone tried to talk with the same unintelligible results.

  “What's going on?” Jordan asked.

  “Trouble,” Jeff said.

  The door to the stairs opened behind them. Darkness stood outside the door with twin points of light as eyes. Whistle stepped into the lab with the Grey right behind her.

  Flemming moved to the Grey, a hand raised. He said something with a firm voice. The Grey gave Whistle a look and a pat on the back of her leg. Whistle swatted the Captain, who flew back, crashing across a table and falling to the floor. He didn't move after that.

  The Grey had a wolfish grin that only broadened when it saw Jeff. It coughed an order, and Whistle moved. Detective Ceph blocked her way. His hand reached into his pocket for something. He produced a small stunner, turned it in his hands, and fumbled with a dial. Whistle didn't wait on Ceph to finish preparing his weapon. She moved like a train, slamming into him and knocking him back and to the floor. A shot fired from his weapon, a crackling yellow beam that struck the ceiling. Whistle was about to step past him towards Jeff when another shot whizzed by her face. She looked down at Ceph. He fired again, this time striking her dead center. The impact looked like lightning across a black sky as the beam played across her leathery skin. Whistle roared in pain. She raised her fists and started stomping. The detective rolled out of the way and under a table. The Grey dove behind one of Fizz's machines.

  Ceph crawled to Flemming, who lay in a heap. Ceph said something to him that sounded like a croak.

  Jeff herded Jordan and Oliop to a back door that opened to another stairway. He paused only to allow Fizz to rush past them, the three-legged scientist pivoting and twisting in a sprint that left everyone else behind. Jeff gave the others a push through the door and looked behind him. Whistle knocked the table to the side. She was about to squash the tentacle-faced detective.

  “Jeff, come on!” Jordan shouted.

  Jeff picked up a chair. It had an odd design and could never fit a human, but like a good earth chair, worked as an impromptu weapon. Jeff charged Whistle. He swung the chair against her with all his might. The chair crashed and bent, but Whistle didn't budge. She turned towards Jeff. Jeff stood his ground, ignoring Jordan's shouting and all the other noises in the lab that now made no sense. Whistle reached for Jeff with an enormous dark hand when, from behind her, Ceph's stunner went off once, twice, a third time. Whistle groaned. Her arms trembled, and she fell to one knee. She glared at Jeff, unable to lift an arm. Ceph got up, pulling the stunner's trigger a few more times, but the tiny weapon was out of juice.

  Ceph pocketed the stunner. Oliop yelled something at them from the door.

  “Hurry,” Jordan said.

  Jeff, with Ceph's help, picked up Captain Flemming. He said, “Blurgh.” The word, untranslated, meant nothing, but gratitude filled the co
p's bumpy face.

  As they fled the lab, Whistle bellowed in rage. The roar followed them up the stairway. They moved faster. Oliop beckoned them over to an exit, his tail holding open the door. They ran out into the streets of the Commons. Fizz waited for them outside and directed the group down a long alley. The alley led to a ramp that ascended to a flyway where they looked down upon a district of round sapphire rooftops. Fizz then had them descend again to a pedestrian tunnel lit by orange and green crystal sconces.

  A multitude of beings walked, ran, and trotted along the wide tunnel, but none paid the group any attention as the system alarms continued to blink and blast their warnings that now registered merely as sound with no translation. Jeff didn't know where they were heading and didn't like being carried along with the flow of the crowd. He stopped. Several pedestrians bumped into Jeff's group as they stopped, too. A few uttered exclamations or curses came from the pedestrians around them that needed no translation.

  Jeff said, “Wait a minute, where are we going?”

  At first, no one replied to the question. Then they all started in at once. Ceph was saying something in his native sputtering that involved some expansive gestures, and Oliop chirped emphatically. Jordan was the only one not speaking. She continued to look at the passing crowd, overwhelmed by the variety of creatures that passed them by.

  Fizz continued pulling and prodding them to keep moving. But Jeff wouldn't budge. After a moment, Fizz gave up. The spindly scientist fiddled with a tool from one of his pouches. He then grabbed Jeff, who couldn't help but slap away Fizz's prodding tentacles. One nimble limb found the null-space pouch behind Jeff's jumpsuit collar and reached inside.

  A deep bass pop sounded in Jeff's brain.

  “That should help,” Fizz said.

  Jeff understood. “You fixed the translator.” Fizz moved around the group and, despite a brief struggle with Oliop, made adjustments to their translation units.

  “What did you do?” Jeff said.