Master of My Mind BN

by Jenna Jacob

  It was the moment of truth. I sucked in a deep breath, already steeling myself for her answer.

  “Did George ever tell you that he loved you?”

  “Wh…what?” she stammered.

  “Did he tell you that he loved you? Please. I need to know.”

  “I… don’t…my relationship with George was quite complicated. You see, my husband, Terrance, suffered a stroke in his late forties. He’s been in a vegetative state at a nearby nursing home for the past forty years.”

  “I’m sorry, Paula. Please don’t think me rude, but could you please just answer my question?”

  I didn’t want to know about her life or the circumstances that had knitted her and George. And I certainly didn’t want to hear the details of their affair. I simply needed to know if he’d ever said the three little words to her that he’d never said to me.

  “Well, yes…All the time, in fact. Why do you ask?”

  “It’s not important,” I assured her forcing an impassive tone. “Thank you. I appreciate your candidness, and I’m sorry that he’s no longer in your life.”

  “My goodness,” she exclaimed, obviously surprised by my condolence. “And if I may, the same to you, dear.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that. Good-bye.”

  After ending the call, I sat on my bed, numb and empty. I may as well have been floating in space. A cold void sluiced through my veins, permeated my soul, and siphoned off any remaining devotion I felt for George.

  Lost in a fog of thought, I didn’t hear Tony come into the room. It wasn’t until he climbed onto the bed and cupped my face in his hands that I realized he was back. Wearing a worried expression, he picked up the pages of George’s note, still lying in my lap, and began to read.

  Without a word, he joined me on the bed, draped his arm around my shoulder and tucked me against his chest. I clung to him and breathed in his manly scent, amazed that Tony knew exactly what I needed. And even as I drank in his silent reassurance, I worried that I was setting myself up for another brutal fall. But I couldn’t fight the feelings he fostered within.

  “I phoned Paula a little while ago,” I whispered.

  “You called her? Why?” Tony asked in disbelief.

  “After I read George’s note, I realized that never once did he tell me that he loved me. He enjoyed my company, in bed and other ways. And on some level I think he cared about me a great deal, but I realize now he was never in love with me. Paula owned his heart. I was just… I don’t know…someone to fill in the gaps, I suppose. I tried to convince myself that our relationship had been a charade, but that’s a lie. He cared about me on a surface level; we simply lacked depth. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  “You’re not upset that George wasn’t in love with you, angel? You’re not crying or cursing. Aren’t you angry about that?”

  “Every day since I woke up in the hospital, I’ve been angry with him. It’s not solved anything, only made me bitter. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t love me. I was a fool to imagine that he did. But kicking my own ass or wallowing in pity isn’t going to resolve a thing. If I’m going to pity anyone, it’s George. I feel sorry for him. I mean, think about it. He spent nearly his whole life wanting a woman he couldn’t have. He married Sloane knowing he’d never have Paula and ended up spending the last years of his life with another woman he didn’t truly love, me. It was like the gods had played some kind of cruel cosmic joke with his life. I never knew how cheated and empty he must have felt.”

  “But you filled some of that emptiness, Leagh. I know that for a fact. And yes, it’s not easy aching day in, day out, wanting someone you can’t have.”

  My body tensed, and I wondered if his comment was aimed at me.

  Tony let out a soft chuckle before clearing his throat. “Paula’s married.”

  “I know; she told me about her husband.”

  “Then you know he’s been incapable of loving her for a long time. I’m sure she struggled with her own demons before having an affair with George.”

  “Maybe. I don’t know. I honestly don’t care.” I shrugged. “I’ve spent as many days being jealous of her as I have being pissed off at George. But the bottom line is neither of them had much happiness. I think if things had been different the two of them would have shared something uniquely profound.”

  “I think they did, in their own way, at least as best they could. So have you worked through your anger at George?”

  “Not by a long shot. I’m still livid with him. Trouble is, staying angry with him makes me feel like a victim. I don’t like it. Allowing George to make me feel like a victim is ten times uglier than him keeping his affair with Paula a secret. Like I said, I just feel pity for him. He spent years a hostage to Sloane’s greed. And when the poor bastard finally got free, she blackmailed him. With so many odds stacked against him, the man never stood a chance.”

  “I think you’re right. I also think you have a wealth of compassion inside that bruised and battered heart of yours. Life’s not always fair. But I have a sneaking suspicion you know that first hand. Don’t you?”

  Tony was digging for clues about my past, but I wasn’t ready to unload that steaming pile of shit, yet. My trust issues had taken a massive hit with George’s affair. I wasn’t ready to stick my neck back on the chopping block quite yet.

  “Yes. But we’re not discussing the skeletons in my closet,” I whispered.

  “I realize that. But long before Reed mentioned a restraining order, my hand’s been on the knob of your closet, just itching to open it.”

  “I’m sure it has been.” I issued a wary glance at Tony.

  “Good. You won’t be surprised when I finally pick the lock on it, will you?” A devilish grin crawled across his face. “But I digress. You’ve told me how you feel about Paula and George. Now tell me how Leagh feels.”

  I scoffed. “You’d make a great shrink, you know that?” I grinned as Tony threw his head back and laughed.

  “So I’ve been told. Stop evading my question, angel.”

  “I’m not. I was just making an observation. Besides, you’ll think I’m crazy.”

  “I deal with crazy people all day. You won’t shock me. Now go on,” Tony prompted.

  “Mixed in with all the anger and pity, there’s this bizarre sense of satisfaction. I know I brought a little ray of light into George’s unhappy life. And while it would be easy to sit here and feel like he played me, the truth is he made me feel more accepted and cared for than any man in my life ever has. And for that, I’m grateful. Sounds crazy, right?”

  “No, it doesn’t sound crazy. It sounds like you’ve been let down by a shit load of unworthy men all your life, sweetheart,” Tony replied with a sad frown.

  “Don’t. I can’t stand to be pitied.” I shook my head. “Remember in Mika’s office when Reed told me that George loved me very much?”

  “Yes.”

  “I think he did… in his own way. But the love I want in a relationship is the forever after kind. I didn’t want to see it before now, but George and I never had that kind of depth. I just needed to believe that we did.”

  “And?” Tony prompted.

  I pondered silently, trying to figure out if there was more to say. I remembered when Tony had calmed me and showed me how to pluck each emotion as it whizzed by.

  “I don’t want to waste time beating myself up for something that wasn’t real. I want to learn from my gigantic mistake and never give myself to a man who doesn’t love me back with his whole heart. I know that might be nothing more than a pipe dream, but I’m not going to settle for less than a man whose heart I can own.” I softly laughed and shook my head.

  “What was that chuckle for?”

  “Owning a man’s heart doesn’t sound very submissive, does it?”

  “It’s not about submission, Leagh. It’s about finding the yin to your yang. There’s not a thing wrong with wanting to own a man’s heart and soul. Just make sure the next man who
owns yours treasures and protects it as if it were his own.”

  “Yeah well, I doubt Prince Charming is going to come galloping down the halls of the club on a white stallion,” I replied with a hint of sarcasm.

  “You never know. He might be here already,” Tony cryptically offered.

  Was he referring to himself? Was there a possibility that the sultry fantasies I’d dreamt of might come true? Hope fluttered and right on its heels, a tiny voice inside my head pelted it away. Tony’s wired for a woman more intense than you could ever dream of being. Mentally shaking the lofty fantasy from my brain, reality left me irritated with myself for harboring such ridiculous notions.

  “I think you’ve dissected all of this in a very healthy way, Leagh. I’m proud of you.”

  Tony leaned down and pressed a sweet kiss on the top of my head. Neither of us said anything for a long time. Wrapped in his warmth, I closed my eyes and internally said good-bye to George once and for all.

  #

  Several days later, I sat propped up in bed, reading a romance novel. Boredom was taking a heavy toll. I was antsy to get out of my small room and do something. Glancing at the clock I sighed, discovering it was only two in the afternoon. Tony wouldn’t be back for hours. My cell phone rang as if someone knew I needed a lifeline to the outside world.

  I smiled as I checked the caller ID. “Hello, Trevor.”

  “She’s on her way to the hospital,” Trevor squealed. “It’s baby time!”

  “Oh my god,” I screamed. “How long ago did they leave?”

  “Mika just called Daddy from his car, as they were heading to the hospital. Daddy was at the bank and called me,” Trevor giggled. “Good lord, between the two of them, I’m not sure which one is spazzing out more. I think they’re both ready for a guest shot on ‘Wild Kingdom.’ Anyway, I told him I was gonna call Savannah, and that I’d get a ride with her. We’re all going to meet up at the hospital. If Daddy and Mika don’t stroke out before they get there.”

  “Call me as soon as you hear something!” I demanded with a wide grin.

  “I will. Savannah’s on her way over to pick me up now. Hey, do you want to go to the hospital with us? She’s got Nick’s monster truck. We’ll hoist your ass up into the backseat?”

  “Damn Trev, I’m not a fucking cow. You don’t have to hoist me anywhere, just help me into the truck. But hey, thanks for the warm and fuzzy love, you little shit,” I laughed. “If you’re sure she won’t mind stopping by to pick me up; I’m going stark raving mad here today.”

  “Not one bit, and you are not a cow. God, it’s so much fun to tease you. And why didn’t you call me earlier? I would have come over and hung out with you.”

  “I didn’t want to be a bother.”

  “Shut the front door, sister, or I’ll tell Tony you need a spanking,” Trevor teased. “Okay, we’ll be by to pick you up real soon. Byeeeeeee.”

  Trevor hung up, and I grinned. Julianna was in labor. Soon she’d know the joy of being a mother. Tears pricked my eyes as memories of my sweet little Nathan came flooding back. I shook them away and sucked in a deep breath.

  “Hell, I’ve got to get dressed!”

  Snagging the lone crutch next to my bed, I pressed the rubber tip into the carpet and swung my good leg from the mattress. Tucking the padded support beneath my arm, I slid my heavy casted leg off the bed. I’d made the move a hundred times, but as I stood the crutch slipped out from under my arm, and I landed with a jarring thud onto the floor.

  “Ahhhhh!” I screamed. Rolling to my right side, I tried to push myself into a seated position. The weight of both casts pinned me to the carpet like a bug. I squirmed like a naked turtle on its back cursing a blue streak.

  “Dahlia? Are you alright?” A man’s voice seeped through the dark wooden door.

  “Yes. I think so. Maybe? Hell, I don’t know. Who’s out there?” I called back.

  “It’s me, Stephen. What’s wrong?”

  “I fell down, and I’m trying to get the hell up,” I grunted, trying to lever myself onto my good arm and leg to no avail. “Shit!”

  “Hang on. Let me get a master key from the bar.”

  I closed my eyes and huffed. “Great. Stephen’s going to come save your ass, then nark you out to Tony for trying to get dressed on your own. Dammit. He’ll have my ass for not waiting for Savannah and Trevor’s help.”

  Seconds later, the door swung open. Both Stephen and Carnation rushed into the room.

  “Oh my god. Are you alright?” Stephen asked, his deep voice thick with worry.

  On the other hand, Carnation’s eyes grew wide, and she started to laugh.

  “Shut up,” I hissed. “You think this is funny? Maybe you should give it a shot.” Anger bubbled in my veins.

  “You laugh at her?” Stephen barked at his sub. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Sliding an arm beneath my legs and the other beneath my arms, he gently lifted me from the floor.

  “I’m sorry, Master, but she’s so pathetically obvious,” Carnation ridiculed, looking at me with a scowl. “Tell me, Dahlia, how long did you wait for some unsuspecting Dom to walk down the hall before you started screaming for help?”

  “What?” I gasped. “Are you on crack? I didn’t scream for help.”

  Stephen’s whole body tensed as he turned, slashing Carnation with an angry scowl. “Go to the bar and wait for me. I’ll deal with you shortly.”

  “Are you kidding?” she screeched. “Don’t tell me you actually fell for her stupid act. Are you blind? First she pretends to pass out in the hall, and now falling down, claiming she can’t get back up. Oh, and she just happened to be naked on top of it. She probably laid there for hours waiting for a man to come by that she could show off her tits. You can’t see the game she’s playing? Seriously? She’s nothing but an attention whore now that her old fart of a Master died.”

  “Not another word, goddammit!” Stephen thundered.

  Pinning me with a seething glare, Carnation’s lips peeled back. “Don’t even think about sinking your claws into my Master, or I’ll bitch-slap you into next week!”

  “To the bar. Now!” Stephen roared. Veins protruded from his neck. His entire face turned crimson.

  Rolling her eyes, Carnation stomped out of the room.

  He exhaled a deep breath. “I’m sorry about that, Leagh. That girl has a laundry list of issues. I’ve tried to help her work them out, but I think she’s beyond redemption.”

  “It’s okay, Sir. She’s never liked me, anyway,” I explained as Stephen seated me on the side of the bed. “I’m sorry I’ve inconvenienced you and caused trouble between you both.”

  “Nonsense. You’re not an inconvenience.” Stephen shook his head. “How did you fall down in the first place?” His brows arched with dominant censure. I suddenly wondered if every Dom practiced such an intimidating look in the mirror until they got it right.

  “Mika and Julianna are on their way to the hospital. She’s in labor. Trevor and Savannah are coming here to pick me up. We’re going to be there when the baby arrives, and I accidently fell when I got out of bed to get dressed. I wanted to be ready so we could leave for the hospital right away.”

  A huge grin lit up his face, and his green eyes sparkled. He was handsome and urbane.

  “That’s great news. I should head over there myself and lend Mika some moral support. He’s been a mess for weeks. I’ve never seen him so stressed.” I laughed in agreement before Stephen suddenly sobered. Scrubbing a hand through his thick, wheat colored hair, his lips tightened. “But first, let’s get you dressed. Where are your clothes?

  I blinked up at him. “You don’t have to help me, Sir. I can wait for Trevor and Savannah.”

  “Obviously you can’t, or I wouldn’t have found you on the floor. Now, tell me what you want to wear and where to find it.”

  It was pointless to argue with the man, especially when he was in full Dom mode. Pointing to the closet first, I directed him to the
dresser next. Stephen plucked up the articles and returned to the bed. My wardrobe was limited to clothing that would fit over the ugly, thick casts. Grateful that Julianna had purchased a butt-load of stretchy, soft cotton sets from Soma. They were sold as loungewear, but their collections could easily pass for street clothes.

  Swallowing down my pride and embarrassment, I couldn’t help but flinch when Stephen cupped my breasts and tucked them into my bra before fastening the front clasp. Kneeling on the floor in front of me, he slid the thong up my legs. It bothered me when Tony dressed me, and with Stephen’s head virtually between my knees, the whole event pegged the needle on the humiliation scale.

  Just as Stephen leaned in closer, the door swung open and in walked Tony. Stopping dead in his tracks, his eyes grew wide, his nostrils flared, and his mouth dropped open.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  “Stephen?” Tony’s tone dripped with accusation.

  “Tony!” Stephen exclaimed as he jerked his hands from my panties and bolted upright. “I was… Leagh took a bit of a fall.”

  In the blink of an eye, the shock on Tony’s face turned to fury, and every ounce of it was directed straight toward me. “How did you fall out of bed?”

  “I didn’t, Sir,” I whispered, regarding the discarded crutch, wishing I’d thought to hide the evidence of my stubbornness.

  Tony’s gaze traveled the same path as mine, and without a word, he studied the placement of the walking aid. Then like a raging bull, he charged the bed.

  “Roll over,” he demanded. A fire of retribution blazed in his eyes.

  “Why?” I asked frantically glancing between him and Stephen.

  “I said, roll over!”

  “Ah, I think it’s time for me to leave,” Stephen replied with a hint of laughter. “I have a little punishment of my own to dispense.”

  “Wait,” I cried to Stephen. “Tell him that you were just helping me get dressed and not...”

  Stephen chuckled. “Tony knows I’d never lay a finger on another Dom’s sub. Besides I don’t think he’s angry with me for trying to get you dressed. He’s obviously not happy that you fell getting out of bed and didn’t wait for help.”