by Amber Nation
Back to my clothing because even I was impressed with my choices. I was wearing a pair of fitted grey slacks that I rolled up twice at the bottom for good measure and so you could see my expressionistic choice of socks for the evening, grass green argyle, they were fabulous. I also had on a pair of brown oxford leather shoes which made my feet feel like they had been put through a meat grinder, but beauty was pain and it made me have so much more respect for women when they wore their heels. That took care of my lower half and my top half was just as exciting. I was wearing just a simple baby blue button down shirt, like I would normally wear to work but what made it stand out from business Toby was the fact that I was sporting the most exquisite pair of bright red suspenders and matching bowtie. I audibly gasped when I saw the combination in the window of Nordstrom’s and petted the material adoringly. I made the trip to Atlanta earlier this year as I always do when they had their yearly sale and knew at first glance that they would be perfect for a special occasion. And what was more special than my band putting on a kickass show!
I was officially rocking nerd chic and I had to admit it couldn’t look better.
Brock and Charlie were already in attendance but I knew it would be a few more minutes before Mike showed his face. He liked waiting until the last possible second to arrive, he said it was so he could spend the few extra minutes with Sheridan and Ben but secretly I think it was so he wouldn’t let his anxiety get the best of him. The crowd could be rather intimidating and if we didn’t reach full capacity tonight then my bet would be that we absolutely would tomorrow night.
“Toby, ten minutes until show time,” Charlie said to me as he took a break from tuning up his bass guitar.
He liked being punctual so he always made sure to give us a ten minute warning so we were all on the same page and ready.
Which meant it was time for me to complete my warmup exercises. So I walked over so I could face the white painted brick wall and began overly pronouncing my vowels, being sure I stretched out my facial muscles. I started conducting my warmup, singing in front of the wall after the guys kept cracking up at my facial expressions. It wasn’t the most attractive thing that I could do for my face but it definitely helped loosen my facial muscles and got my voice ready for the show.
Once my voice was on par, I practiced doing some twists and turns, if I was actually going to show off some of my newly acquired moves I needed to be stretched out and limber.
“I’m ready!” I exclaimed as I crossed one arm in front of my body stretching it out and repeating the motion with the other.
Just then out of nowhere, Mike comes rushing in stopping quickly on his heels. He was lucky that he didn’t have to sing or else it would be happening with hardly any breath as he didn’t have much left.
“Everyone know the song list?”
Simultaneously, I hear the three of them, “Of course.” I’m sure if I was actually looking into their eyes I would also see simultaneous eye rolls, worse than kids this bunch.
“Let’s try something new, let’s all put our hands in and on three yell The Nation’s Capital.” I was awaiting grunts and groans but they never came. It made me smile because I always wanted to be a part of a group cheer, as corny as it sounded it would make me feel that I belonged.
So we gathered around in a circle, the four of us, and placed an open hand in the middle, palm down.
“Let’s kick some Brown County ass tonight,” Brock faintly whispered as his throat was still incredibly scratchy and no doubt felt like sandpaper.
“On the count of three. One…two…three! The Nation’s Capital!” And we all lifted our hands in the air.
I loved these guys and their women, who had been dubbed the Brown County Babes by yours truly, they were my family. I didn’t need anyone else…for now.
Charlie was the first to exit, lifting the curtain that separated the stage from the backroom and we each followed suit appearing in front of our fans and settling into our positions amongst the stage. The crowd was hopping and you heard cheers from the patrons as soon as the first foot hit the stage. And our favorite women, Emmalynne, Sheridan, Maggie, and Tessa were standing right up front.
With one hand placed on the mic stand and the other on the mic itself I began my normal introductory spiel.
“What’s up Brown County?!” I rocked back on my heels and looked to each of the guys as I waited for the crowd to die down from their screams. Cupping my ear with my hand, “I don’t think I heard you! I said WHAT’S UP BROWN COUNTY?” After this performance I may very well be that much closer to losing my hearing, but it would be entirely worth it, hearing all those cheers and screams from people who loved our band. “Well as most of you know, and those of you who don’t shame on you,” wagging my finger at the audience, “we are The Nation’s Capital! I’m Toby Morgan, then we have Charlie Hennings on the Bass guitar, Brock Monroe also on guitar, and then Mike Jameson on the Drums.” I walked over to each of the guys as I introduced them and as I rounded to Mike, Sheridan release an overly loud and enthusiastic whistle. “I’m so very thankful to see many faces that I recognize as well as some that I don’t! It’s been awhile since we’ve played so hopefully we aren’t too rusty for you. I will say that we will also be here tomorrow night, so if you had plans cancel those suckers and bring your friends to see us!”
The show was going just swimmingly and as we were beginning to play our second to last song, Gio appeared walking through the crowd towards the girls in front of the stage. I knew he was going to be here since I had Maggie ask him but it was still a slap in the face once the reality of it set in.
I looked down to the wood flooring of the stage and took a deep cleansing breath, for when I sang these next two songs I should finally feel a weight off of my shoulders.
My voice echoed the words to “I Got Over You” by Daughtry as I looked up into Gio’s glistening eyes, anguish was the emotion of the night and there wasn’t a shortage of it reflected back to me. My eyes didn’t stray from his as I tried my best to convey all my feelings to him through this song. He messed up badly with me and in the end I didn’t think it was possible for us to have a future. It would be all fine and dandy if he just let me be, but he was relentless with his phone calls. Was it that he liked torturing me further, driving that stake deeper into my heart?
My eyes never left his during the entirety of the song and I didn’t even dance around. I stood stock still in one place because this was the type of song that needed all seriousness intact and he needed to know that I was done with his games.
Didn’t he understand that I would’ve done anything for him? But I guess when someone didn’t have the same feelings for you, you couldn’t very well force them into it. That’s why I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me be, I let him go.
The song ended and the stage faded to black so we could gear up on our last song. I could normally sing pretty much any type of genre except for Country, I must say that I wasn’t a fan. But in order to sing a 30 Seconds To Mars song as I was currently getting ready to do, I had to grasp that raspy edge just perfectly and I was praying to the sky above that I could nail it. Nothing was more embarrassing than having your voice cut off during a song because it couldn’t reach its maximum potential.
The lights were still dim and out of the corner of my eye I caught the front door opening. It wasn’t unusual for people to come and go since it was an establishment but for some reason it sparked my interest. I glanced up and saw Ethan Bradley entering the building in his drab brown and tan polyester uniform but oddly enough he looked absolutely divine in it. He filled it out in all the right places as the button down shirt stretched across his expansive chest. I was even more nervous to attempt this song, that was just what I needed was the extra backlash from Ethan about not hitting the notes perfectly.
I turned to where my back was facing the audience, the other members of the band giving me confused expressions. By now I would’ve given the signal to begin the next song but
I was delaying the inevitable. I was afraid that I would choke and never in my entire life had I ever been more afraid of something. I was Toby Morgan, I lived my life with my head held high not letting the little of things bother me. And here I was scared to death of doing something I was born to do. Nope not gonna happen, I was going to kill this song.
And what a coincidence that the song was entitled “The Kill” by 30 Seconds To Mars. A thought occurred to me and if I thought I was on the verge of breaking I could just picture Jared Leto, the eyes on that man alone was enough to pick anyone up off the floor. MEOW!
Still not facing the audience I gave my nod to the guys letting them know that I was finally ready and it wasn’t a moment too soon as the crowd began getting restless with questions and inquisitions.
Charlie started off picking the strings on his guitar before I lifted the mic to my mouth and whispered the beginning into the microphone, trying to give it my Toby flare.
It wasn’t until the chorus did I finally turn around by doing a little spin on the tips of my toes, belting out the lyrics, directing them at Gio.
Mike definitely didn’t disappoint with being right on point with his drum skills. He absolutely killed it. By the middle of the song I loosened up from my stiff position and actually started incorporating some of what I had learned from my one dance class with Gwen. And when it was time for me to basically scream sing into the microphone I left it on its stand and threw my hands up around my head and just gave it my all.
Sweat was steadily running down my back and the stuffiness was beginning to make it harder for me to breath. I yanked at my precious bow tie, jerking it off and throwing it to the side, I was sure later I would have my cow for doing such an atrocious thing to something I adored, but I was so in the moment that it didn’t even phase me. I even unbuttoned the top three buttons on my shirt exposing the skin of the top of my chest which was another very out of the norm thing for me to do. I was definitely in the moment, feeling the music, rocking it out.
I was conveying that this was who I was supposed to be, who I was and he had the choice to take me as I was, and he chose not to. It was officially his loss.
By the time the song ended I had to lick my lips to reestablish some moisture and I had to try and focus on my breathing as my chest was rising and falling uncontrollably.
Before the crowd even had a chance to react, Gio cupped his hands around his face and yelled, “I’m in love with you, Toby!”
It seemed as if time was standing still or at the very least running in extreme slow motion as I stood there unmoving watching Gio to see if he brave enough to do anything next. My jaw went slack as it dropped wide open as my reaction was severely delayed. I didn’t know what to say and I certainly didn’t know what to do. I was stunned into silence only the way Gio could do and believe me that was no easy feat.
My pulse thumped loudly within my ears and everyone else in the building seemed to fade away. Those six small words that had such a big impact on my life. Six small words changed my outlook and the way I felt, it was like everything I felt was suddenly reversed and came back tenfold. Was that even possible?
Several beats later my brain finally caught up and my feet seemingly unfroze from where they were planted. I whipped myself around and yanked the curtain away as I ran backstage not stopping until I flung myself into a chair.
Why in the hell did he wait until now to tell me his feelings? Did this actually change anything? I couldn’t answer those questions and really the last thing that I needed right now was to see his face before I had a chance to sit and reflect over what just happened.
My head was cradled face down into my hands as my elbows rested on my knees.
I felt as if I ran the biggest marathon of my life only to lose worse than I ever had.
Hearing several pairs of footsteps, I knew without a doubt that it was the girls coming in for reinforcements. That’s what friends did and I was so thankful for that. Maybe with the help of them I’ll figure out what to do.
Tessa’s voice was the one I heard first, “Gio wants to come talk to you…”
Quickly lifting my head, my eyes were wide, and I felt my heart beat a bit faster at the thought of me seeing him before I was ready. “NO!” I screamed. “I don’t want to see him right now.” Tessa nodded her head and then went to relay the message to Mike and Brock who was guarding the backstage door from anyone else entering.
I wasn’t one to make a habit out of using curse words, I just thought there was better ways of expressing oneself, my opinion only, but I didn’t hesitate in releasing, “What in the actual fuck just happened on that stage? I had been trying to get over this man for the longest time because he said he couldn’t love me and now he comes and tries to pull this shit?” I was extending my arm towards the door as if Gio was actually standing there. I was past the point of confusion, I was downright pissed.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I immediately dug it out and sent it to voicemail only to have it start up again just mere seconds later. I slid my hand across the screen to answer the call and I stood from the chair I was seated in and began pacing on the tiled floor, back and forth.
“I can’t see you right now Gio…”
“I understand, I just needed you to know, and with you constantly blowing me off lately--.”
“That meant that I didn’t want to talk to you, I didn’t see the point.”
“I just wanted you to actually sit down and talk with me so we could try and work things out but I got desperate, I needed you to know that I’m in love with you and want to be with you.”
“Stop! You don’t get to say things like that to me anymore. We’ve been broken up for the better part of a year and you just now came to that realization that you love me?” I continued to pace around as my voice grew louder and my tone got angrier. “You are toxic to me and you threw me out as if I were nothing, as if what we had was nothing. Why should I give you another chance? Do you think that this will work when I can’t trust you?” I was losing my luster, past the point of giving up, my voice was now quieter, almost to a whisper, “Hasn’t the damage already been done?”
“Toby, the most important thing that I can say is that I’m sorry and even I know that won’t be enough. I’m begging you to give me a second chance, let me show you that I can be the man that I need to be. I was scared before and I understand that I didn’t take into accountability of your feelings and I regret that so very much. So please, please give me another chance.”
I bit my lip to try and put a halt on the floodgates that were about to erupt, my head was telling me that he could have his second chance but my heart wasn’t as convinced. “Gio, I’m going to have to think about this, just… Just come to tomorrow night’s show if you can and we’ll talk afterward.”
After I hung up with Gio I plopped my butt right back on the chair I had occupied just minutes before and I didn’t do a thing to stop the tears that started to escape and cascade down my face.
Emmalynne pulled up a chair and sat down right next to me and grabbed ahold of one of my hands and began smoothing her thumb over my skin.
“I don’t know what to do, I was ready to completely forget about him and give up so I could move on with my life and then he goes and drops this massive bombshell on me. He said that all he could really say was that he was sorry and begged me to give him another chance. He said that he regretted not taking my feelings into consideration but he’s changed. No one has ever made me feel like he had except for my parents. They both just forgot about me as if I wasn’t worthy enough, as if I was nothing to them. Gio moved onto several different people the next night.”
Sheridan came up behind me and placed both of her small hands on my shoulders, giving a gentle rub up and down one arm, “In the end, you have to do what’s best for you, what makes you happy.”
“You know, I’ve been thinking.” Tessa crouched down in front of me, and if she was thinking then we all could be in trouble. “Don’t give m
e that look Sheridan, there are some brains under this blonde hair.” All I could do was shake my head but I did look up into Tessa’s eyes, and saw empathy shining back at me. “From what you told me about Ethan and you the other day and the look of pure remorse and dread that I just saw flash on his face out in the bar a few minutes ago, I would have to say that the guy has feelings for you.”
Maggie came up and pushed Tessa’s arm, “Tessa we aren’t even talking about Ethan.”
“Geez I know but you didn’t see him looking as if someone kicked his puppy,” Tessa fired back as she clutched her shoulder, rubbing the sting out of it from where Maggie shove her.
I didn’t really look into Tessa’s statement too much because one, Ethan hated me and two, Maggie was right, I had Gio on my mind now.
Tonight looked like it would be spent weighing the pros and cons of our relationship. It was going to be a long night.
Toby
A steady stream of light was shining in my face making me teeter on the edge of awake and obliviousness. I tried my hardest to fight to stay asleep but the unrelenting sun wasn’t on my side. Once I rubbed my eyes free of sleep so I could adjust to the lighting, I rolled over to my back and just lay there staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t until several minutes after I was looking at the speckled lines did I realize that the sun normally didn’t come in through my window until the early afternoon, I must’ve slept longer than I anticipated and with as late as I was up last night I wasn’t even going to balk at the time.
My mind was muddled with qualities and inadequacies that I found in Gio. I found myself placing some of each into a pros and cons category. This felt incredibly wrong, I shouldn’t be judging him by his deficits but I was at an all-time low. Things would’ve definitely been better off if I could just run away to Mexico or even Australia to start over. I knew that it was winter in Australia so what better time to go, I’d much rather deal with the cold then facing this unyielding warmth.