Tis The Season For Forgiving

by Nikki Lynn Barrett

  "Petra invited me."

  Why was it so difficult to talk to a nine year old? Who would have thought Ben asking him questions would be so uncomfortable?

  "Well, I hope you don't start yelling at everyone. We all just want to have fun." Ben stuffed his gloved hands in his pocket and turned away from Eric.

  Eric blanched. No doubt the outburst was deserved. This kid was wise beyond his years. He didn't get a chance to reply, not that he could even muster up a decent enough response. Ben skated away. He moved in quick, angry motions.

  On the far left side of the skating rink, Petra followed behind Kinley and Desiree. The girls were holding hands and singing. Cheyenne was out on the ice near Robin and Jonas, while Jacob sat in the seats with their son. Another man and two older kids were here that Eric didn't recognize, as well as Jonas's sister.

  What was he doing here? Eric didn't belong. He'd come to see Petra and Kinley on a whim because he couldn't stop thinking about Adrian's little boy and the question he'd asked.

  It haunted him like the ghost of Christmas future.

  He couldn't change his past, he couldn't fix his mistakes, but the best thing Eric could do for himself was to at least try to be better and stay that way.

  Regret was an evil entity out in full force in his heart tonight.

  *****

  Petra wondered what Eric was thinking. She'd never seen him so tormented. When he first showed up on the porch tonight, she wasn't sure what to think. They'd spent the last two years being civil enough to each other for Kinley's sake. He'd kept up with his visits, even though he always seemed uncomfortable when he spent time with her. Petra never understood it, but she had to at least give him credit for trying.

  Something in the way he acted tonight pulled on her heart. She wasn't crying over him any more, not like she had the first few months after officially breaking it off, but she still had feelings for him. You don't have a child with someone and not harvest a few nostalgic feelings. She'd never get back together with him, and no one would ever know how sometimes she still longed for him, for the man who'd once been loving until he changed. Or maybe he'd always been that way and the newness of their relationship hid it. Considering he'd been the same way with his ex-wife Cheyenne, the second one was more likely.

  Either way, Eric Jensen was a different man tonight. There was a side to him he never showed to anyone, and it was obvious.

  She skated over towards Caitlin and asked her for a pair of skates in Eric's size. He looked so lost up in the seats by himself. She was going to get him on the ice and take his mind off things for a while.

  Caitlin handed her the pair. "Thanks." Petra grinned, heading towards Eric.

  He noticed her, and his gaze moved down to the skates. His eyes went wide. "You're asking for trouble," he warned.

  "Don't I always?" she quipped, not giving it much thought. Sitting on the edge of the seat, Petra handed him the skates. "Come on. Try it."

  "You're serious."

  "I'm serious. Come on," she prodded.

  With a shake of his head, Eric reached for the skates. Score for her! He scooted down to the edge of the bench, took off his shoes and put the skates on, still leveling her with a wary look.

  "When was the last time you had fun, Eric?"

  He snorted. "Fun?"

  "Yes. Fun. You know, laughing, smiling. Not always so serious." She tried to recall the last time this man really smiled. There had to be a time at least once, right?

  He shrugged. "I don't do fun."

  "Well that might be your problem. Live a little." At the last words, she immediately regretted them. He'd just lost a friend, someone he'd met through the anger management group he'd joined two years ago. Petra didn't know much about Adrian, but she did know Eric respected and cared about him.

  Eric didn't respond, but at least he finished lacing up the skates. He gripped the rail and tentatively stepped out on the ice. Petra followed him and held out a hand.

  "You've never skated, have you?" she asked softly. The terror on his face almost made her want to laugh. In normal circumstances, she might. But with Eric, she decided not to. The man was actually afraid of the ice!

  "Nope." His small one or two word answers were better than yelling, which was what she used to do. Progress. She'd take it. He grasped for her hand as he stumbled a little.

  "I've got you." Petra kept a firm hold on him. "We'll start off slow."

  "Can't say I didn't warn you. We're both in trouble if we end up with broken bones," Eric grumbled.

  Petra laughed. "I'm not easily breakable," she shot back.

  "I've learned that." Eric's reply could mean so many things, but he didn't elaborate. "Where's Kinley?"

  She pointed over at their daughter, still with Desiree, Ben, and Jacob's brother-in-law's kids.

  Eric had a death grip on her hand.

  "Come on, let's get a little speed going." Petra stopped when he pulled her back by staying still.

  "You said we'd start off slow!" he protested.

  This time, she couldn't help it. Petra laughed. "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you can't complain about starting off slow if you're not moving at all."

  He turned around, then faced her again. "Everyone's watching."

  "Well then, it's time to show them what you're made of." Petra felt bad for him. He was really struggling with this. Was it because of his recent loss, or was there something more behind his new, strange attitude? She'd probably never know.

  "It's not so bad, as long as you don't get cocky about it!" Jonas called. From beside him, Robin laughed.

  Were they mocking Eric? Or was it an inside joke?

  "You should know," Robin teased her fiancé. Okay, it sounded more like an inside joke between the two. Petra made a mental note to ask Robin about it later.

  "Ready?"

  Eric gave in. "No, but let's try this anyway." His grip on her hand hadn't loosened.

  Petra started off slow as promised, and he followed her. His legs moved awkwardly, and there were times she thought he'd fall flat on his face and drag her down with, but he held his own. When everyone started cheering for him, he must have gained a bit of confidence, because he moved a little faster, even skating ahead of her a bit. His tight grip loosened. He surprised her when he let go and picked up speed.

  Look at him go! Eric even made a sharp turn when he couldn't slow down and managed to stay on his feet.

  "Nice job!" She cupped her hands against her mouth to yell. He headed back her way and for a second, she caught a glimpse of a smile.

  Then he pummeled into her, knocking them both over. Petra shrieked as she fell. Her leg buckled beneath her and slid under her body just as she and Eric hit the ice hard.

  Chapter Three

  Five hours later and a ankle sprain injury later, Eric drove Petra home. When he crashed into her and knocked her over, they all thought she'd broken her foot. He was lucky that wasn't the case! Just a bit bruised. She'd need a day of staying off it, and she'd be fine.

  Cheyenne and Jacob took Kinley home with them so that Petra could go to Urgent Care. What an intense few hours, at least on his end. He had no idea what to say to her, and the thing she wanted to talk about the most, he didn't.

  He parked the car and climbed out, ready to help her inside. She scowled as soon as she was on her feet, which amplified his guilt of crashing into her.

  "I hope the pain eases up soon," Eric said, offering up a bit of conversation. He really did feel bad, but this whole thing was also awkward.

  "Pain relievers, ice, and sleep will do the trick. I'll probably be good as new to pick up Kinley in the morning." Petra grunted from beside him. She stood on the front porch now and reached for her keys.

  "Anything I can do?"

  She unlocked the door and flicked on the inside light. A blast of warmth swarmed around him.

  Eric half expected her to say he'd already done enough damage and to go away, so her answer surprised him.

 
"You can come by tomorrow, if you want, in case I get overloaded," she replied. "It's my day off. Here, the couch is fine."

  He helped her get settled. "Do you want an ice pack?" Eric stared down at her. This was the first time in a good while that they actually talked. Granted, that was his fault because he wasn't much of a talker, but they were talking regardless. It was kinda nice once he got past the feeling awkward part.

  Eric wasn't good at this talking stuff. Never had been.

  Petra shook her head. "Not at the moment. I might in a bit, but if I just rest, I'll be okay."

  So what now? Go? Stay? He stood there trying to decide his next move. Part of him wanted to get the hell out of here so that he didn't have to try to find the right words to say, but part of him wanted to stay.

  What the hell was up with him?

  "You can sit, Eric," Petra promised. Her eyelids were half open, and she chuckled.

  "You're not exhausted?" he blurted.

  She let out a yawn as if on cue. "A little bit. You don't have to sit. I was just letting you know it's okay if you do."

  He finally sat, glad to have made a decision one way or another. But now what? How did he ever manage to win Petra over at one point? He had no people skills. He had no talking skills. Hell, what kind of skills did he have?

  "See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Petra turned her head and laughed.

  "I'm not good at this stuff," Eric muttered. A surge of frustration ran through him. He didn't like her mocking his awkwardness.

  Or maybe she isn't. Chill, man.

  Petra sat up. "What stuff?" Her face scrunched up in confusion.

  "Talking. Sitting. This." He waved his hands around.

  "You're getting better," Petra replied softly. "Something got to you today. What was it?"

  Eric sighed. "When I went to talk to Adrian's widow, her little boy asked a question that haunts me. He asked something along the lines of 'doesn't he love us enough to stay'? Got me thinking about Ben, Desiree, and Kinley. Adrian went back to his angry ways one night, and it changed his family's world."

  "Damn." Petra's eyes were wide. "I'm sorry, Eric."

  "I wonder how many nights Ben asked the same thing. He's the only one old enough to remember and understand the things I did. He looked at me today with such disappointment and even warned me. He's dealt with way more than a nine year old should."

  "That explains the stricken look on your face when you watched the kids." Petra's eyes were full of compassion and warmth.

  Why did he have to start this conversation? Eric wished it would end. He didn't like this 'exposing his feelings' thing. Weird. Just weird.

  Maybe it was time to go and end this strange night.

  "I should probably get home," he finally said out loud to Petra. "You should get some rest. Sorry about crashing into you. Told ya I'm horrible at this stuff."

  She folded her arms over her chest. "Admit it. Before we fell, you had fun. I saw it in your eyes after your nervousness eased."

  She got him. For a little while, he kind of did have fun. If he hadn't crashed and knocked them both over, who knows what would have happened?

  "You don't even have to admit it. It's written on your face."

  "I wasn't sure about going at first." But it was better than staying home and getting lost in a bottle like he'd originally wanted to do. No going backwards. He couldn't afford to do that.

  "You came over looking for something tonight." Was that a statement or a question?

  "Yeah, kind of. I also wanted to make sure I didn't pick up a drink." The temptation to run to the liquor store and drown his demons down with the bottle was the strongest it had been since he'd been released from jail two years ago. He'd gone as far as holding the keys in his hand before he made up his mind to drive elsewhere.

  The tension was thick. Petra snapped to full attention. "You haven't in two years."

  "I know. Adrian's death hit me hard. I don't want to go backwards." After being released from jail and entering anger management, he'd also had to cope with his drinking, too. They went hand in hand, and damn it if those two things weren't hard to face.

  Petra leaned forward and covered his hand with hers. "No one wants you to go backwards. You did good by getting away from temptation. If you don't want to go home to an empty house, you can sleep on the couch here tonight."

  He didn't expect her offer. It sounded good, because the last thing he wanted was to go back to his tiny apartment and listen to the voices of his past scream in his mind. That would for sure drive him to drink.

  "If you're sure..."

  "If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have made the offer." Petra didn't sound like she was mocking him. What the hell was up with him tonight?

  If she went to sleep soon, then he could pass out himself. No more awkwardness. No home alone temptations to wallow in his thoughts and do things he sure as hell didn't want to do. He nodded slowly. "Okay. Thanks. I appreciate it."

  "Not a problem." Petra yawned again. She covered her mouth. "I think it's time to sleep it off. Kinley's going to be full of energy in the morning when I pick her up, and I know I'll need to rest to keep up with her." She struggled to get steady on her feet.

  Eric immediately jumped up to aid her. He slid his arm around her waist to allow her to lean on him as they made their way to her room.

  Once she was settled comfortably and the light off, Eric quickly left the room.

  "Sleep well, Eric," he heard her call softly as he closed the door.

  Not likely, but he kept that to himself. Instead, he simply replied, "You too."

  *****

  Eric was nowhere to be found the next morning. Petra woke up at about seven thirty, since her internal alarm clock never let her sleep too late. At first, she found it freaky that the house was so quiet until she remembered where Kinley was.

  Treading on her ankle carefully, Petra walked by the empty couch. Eric had folded up the sheet he'd used. Peering out the window, she noticed his car gone.

  Where could he have run off to so early already? Was he really that uncomfortable last night? Silly question. Of course he was.

  Maybe she'd give him a call later to find out how he was. Right now, she should probably head over to Cheyenne's and pick up her daughter.

  Forty five minutes later, she arrived at Cheyenne and Jacob's. As she waited for someone to answer after ringing the doorbell, she heard the chaos of girly laughter. Then she heard "It's Miss Petra!" from Ben before he opened the door. Behind him stood Kinley and Desiree as they continued to laugh.

  "Morning, Ben. Are the girls playing Follow the Leader with you or something?" Petra teased.

  "They're full of laughs this morning." Ben unlocked the door, then took a step back to let her in. Inquisitive eyes stared up at her. "Can I ask you something?"

  "Sure!" Kinley let go of Desiree's hand to run to her. Petra crouched down to pick her up. "Missed you. I hope you were good!"

  Ben closed the door and leaned against it. "Why did you invite Eric last night?" His gaze landed on her with an inquisitive, hard stare.

  "Did it bother you?" Even though Jacob had adopted Ben two years ago, Petra knew it still had to be strange seeing Eric sometimes. She hadn't thought about it all completely when inviting him along.

  "Kinda. He still makes me nervous," Ben admitted. "But I told him not to yell at anyone and he didn't, so I guess it turned out okay."

  "Ben, sometimes everyone needs a friend. Last night your- Eric needed one." She almost said your dad. Wow, at least she caught herself. "He lost his best friend and was very sad about it."

  "Did he yell at him? Can't he just say sorry and get his friend back?"

  Oh, if only. "No, buddy. This friend died." Should she be telling this stuff to a nine year old?

  "Oh. That is really sad. I see why you wanted to cheer him up a little." Sadness reflected in Ben's voice.

  "I called your mom to ask her first."

  "It's okay, Miss Petra. It was just weird. I do
n't know what to say to him when I see him. I didn't know he was going to be there." Ben hugged her. "Thanks for telling me."

  "Ben? What's going on out here?" A slightly flustered Cheyenne entered the hallway, carrying her nearly one year old son. "Oh, Petra! I didn't know you were here already." Cheyenne shot a pointed look at Ben.

  "I looked first!" Ben insisted.

  "He did," Petra affirmed. "He said my name before opening the door, so I know he looked. Thanks for keeping Kinley for me last night."

  "She had a blast with Desi." Cheyenne smiled, bouncing her son on her hip. "I think they both drove Ben a little nuts, huh little man?"

  Ben rolled his eyes. "I'm not that little any more, Mom. And yes, they were crazy."

  "Crazy? Were you not nice to Ben, young lady?" Petra picked up her daughter, eager to get out of this crouching position. Her ankle didn't hurt yet, but she did feel the pins and needles sensation begin.

  "They weren't that bad. Just more than a nine year old wanted to deal with I think. Kinley's already had breakfast. Jacob fed all the older kids this morning before he took off with Jonas for some stuff."

  "Ooh, alone with the herd this morning?"

  "Nothing I haven't done before." Cheyenne put the baby down as he started fussing, and he stumbled away. "Still can't believe he's walking already! Why is everyone growing up on me so fast?" She went after Ben to tickle his sides. He darted away laughing.

  "You're growing up on us fast too, Mommy. I heard what Daddy said this morning. He found a gray hair!"

  Cheyenne gasped in mock horror. "Oh, but guess what? That gray hair was on Daddy's head, not mine. So ha!"

  Petra held back a laugh. Kinley moved out of her grasp and ran after Desiree as she followed Ben. "You have your hands full, so I'll take one off them for you."

  "You're welcome to stay for a while if you don't have any other plans. How's your ankle?"

  "Slightly sore, but overall, good. Just a simple sprain." Petra shifted her weight on her good ankle anyway.

  "That's good. So, what happened with Eric?"

  The question she knew had been coming. "I know I asked on a major whim to invite him along. It's just ... something about him last night really pulled at me. I don't think I'd ever seen him that vulnerable. He was really upset over his friend's death, and I think what hit him the hardest was the widow's son and his question about why his daddy didn't love him enough to stay. Eric was thinking about all the kids."