Tis The Season For Forgiving

by Nikki Lynn Barrett

  "You can let go of my keys now."

  Oops. He'd been so lost in thought, he still had a grip on her keys and her hand. He immediately let go.

  "And you don't have to come by to check on my heater, but you're more than welcome to come over anyway, if you don't want to be alone."

  He laughed. "You saw right through that, huh?" He most definitely didn't want to be alone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Petra probably should have just picked Kinley up on the way home, but she didn't. She went home to her still warming up place with Eric. Alone. With the way she was feeling - a mix of anger and frustration at his family, a longing that tugged on her for Eric, the way he'd been lately, and the constant reminder from her nagging voice about their messed up history, she still ignored the warning signals and had this feeling something would happen that she couldn't take back.

  Willpower. She just needed a ton of it. The holiday season and the way Eric dealt with his loss was just messing with her a little, that's all.

  "Seems like it's working," Eric commented. He raised his hands in front of the vent, which blew out warm air.

  Petra nodded. "Yeah. It's going to take a little time to warm up to the set temperature, but it's definitely rising."

  "Thanks again for today." He stood so close behind her. When she turned around to walk away from the thermostat, she bumped right into him. He steadied her.

  "I hope your dad finds a donor soon." What else could she say?

  He nodded, a dark shadow crossing his face. "Me too. I know we don't get along, but he's still my dad."

  "Why is he so hard on you?" Petra blurted, the curiosity getting the better of her.

  Eric sighed. He looked away and ran a hand through his hair. "He blames me."

  "Blames you? For what?" Petra scrunched up her nose in confusion. Eric wasn't making any sense.

  "I can't-" He seemed shaken up all of a sudden. His voice went up a notch, and it cracked.

  "Eric. Look at me."

  There was a haunted look in his eyes when he did.

  "You can't just say something like that and not finish." She took his hand and led him to the living room. They both made themselves comfortable on the couch, and she tried to coax him into talking.

  "There was a- When I was a kid, I killed my little sister."

  "What?"

  *****

  Nobody outside of his family knew about what happened. Eric hadn't talked about it in years. Not to his parents, not to Cameron, not even to Cheyenne. No one. But that was the moment that changed things. His father had blamed him for Lara's death. Eric blamed himself, too. He should have been watching her that day. He should have learned to be a better big brother. Cameron was a baby and was napping with Mom that day. Lara wanted to go out and play, and Dad told ten year old Eric to go outside with her so that Mom and Cameron could get a little rest.

  Ten was old enough to help out a little. It was a great responsibility, and Eric had failed.

  "Eric, what do you mean? You didn't kill your little sister. No way. You-" Petra's voice cracked. Yeah, he'd shocked her all right. Of course the way he'd just blurted out "I killed my sister" didn't help. He was terrible with words.

  "I didn't physically do anything to her to cause her death, but I wasn't there to save her. I took her outside to keep her occupied. Cameron was a baby. Mom was napping. Lara was hyper and was desperate to go outside. It had snowed, and the pond outside had frozen over. Just not fully. The ice was thin..."

  Petra covered her mouth with her hand.

  Eric's heart ached. His stomach knotted and his chest tightened. It wasn't that warm in here, but he was burning up. Eric wiped the sweat from his brow. "No one knows any of this."

  "I'm right here, Eric. Just talk to me. What happened?" There were tears in her eyes. She scooted closer and wrapped an arm around him.

  "We were playing and she went out on that ice. Since we were playing hide and seek, I never knew. I got to her too late."

  "Oh my God. She hid somewhere by that pond and fell through," Petra finished for him.

  The memories were vivid. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Yeah." His voice was barely above a whisper now.

  "How old were you?"

  "Ten."

  And Lara was how old?"

  "Eight."

  "Eric, did you dare her to go on that ice?"

  What? "Hell no!" he shouted.

  Petra put a finger to his lips. "She was eight. She had a mind of her own and went to hide near that ice to play, right?"

  Eric nodded.

  "Then you didn't kill her. It was a pure accident. Does your father seriously blame you for her death?"

  "Everything changed after that. He didn't look at me the same way. He told me I couldn't handle adulthood. I never got to help with Cameron any more. He was always harder on me."

  Petra shook her head. "Ten years old doesn't make you not able to handle adulthood! Good grief! I'm so sorry that happened to you. Is this ... is Lara's death what makes you so uncomfortable around Kinley? You were scared of your own kids because you were afraid you'd let them down?"

  Hell, she hit it right on the dot. Big time. He'd never expressed that to anyone! He'd never really been able to explain it to himself, either. It was just the way it was. "Yeah."

  She sucked in a deep breath. "Is that why you swore up and down Desiree wasn't yours? She was the first girl you had, and it freaked you out, especially with the rocky way you and Cheyenne were already."

  He had to finally admit it. "Yes." His voice came out hoarse.

  "Eric, you have to work through this. The accident with your sister is why you can't forgive yourself. It's the event that made you the man you were. The root of all your fears and hiding behind anger and drinking."

  "I can't forgive myself. I let her down. I let my family down." He trembled. Eric couldn't believe it. After all these agonizing years, he'd told someone else the deep rooted fears and the reason behind his hiding out. It was in the open now. No taking it back.

  "No. Your family grieved in different ways. In no way should they have placed the blame on you. You did exactly what you were asked - to take Lara outside and play. How were you to know she'd hide by the pond and that the ice was thin to the point she would fall through? It's a terrible, ugly loss, Eric, but you didn't kill her." Petra's voice was full of emotion, and she pulled him close to her for a hug.

  He wrapped his arms around her and held on for dear life. This was a start. His heart ached for all the memories he'd stirred up. For the first time in twenty three years, he'd finally talked about the accident with someone other than family.

  Petra pulled back. Fresh tears streamed down her face. "I wish I'd known some of these things. I wish you hadn't held back so much. Let someone in, Eric. Let someone help you through this, because I know you can be a better man. I see it in you, but your own doubts and hurts are causing you not to let that man out."

  "I'm an asshole. I don't deserve-"

  Another finger to his lips. "Stop that talk. Okay, you did some pretty messed up things. No denying that. But I see where it stems from. I've forgiven you a long time ago, though it's stuff I won't forget. I just didn't know you carried so much pain inside. That's why you were angry. It's why you turned to the bottle. I mean, I guess I could be assuming and totally wrong, but ... two and two adds up."

  "I gave up my kids. I hurt people!" It was a long list of hurts he wasn't sure he could ever fix.

  "Yeah, you did. But you also closed off your heart to the possibility that you could be a good father. Your own parents didn't help with that situation. Why did they have to blame a ten year old child for an accident? Of course you're going to be nervous when your first child comes into the world. Then when a second one is born and it's a girl..." Petra shook her head. "I get it. Doesn't make those years of heartache any less painful, but I get it. You never told Cheyenne any of this?"

  He shook his head. "No. I couldn't. Cheyenne and I already had a lot of
problems back then. I'm not sure what kept us together, even before we got married. When I found out she was pregnant with Ben, I did panic, but I couldn't tell her why. I wanted to be a good father. You're right. I closed off my heart to the possibility. I let myself down by giving in to doubt instead of actually trying. I struggled all throughout her pregnancy with how I was going to deal. I had dreams many nights involving the baby and death and..." He shook his head. Those dreams were horrible. They'd plagued him for a while during Cheyenne's pregnancy with Ben.

  But he'd never said a word about them.

  "Even in your anger management counseling, you never brought this up? Never mind. Why am I asking that? I know the answer. Wow."

  "You think I'm a monster again, don't you?" Why wouldn't she? He thought that of himself.

  She sighed. "I never thought you were a monster, Eric. I always thought you had unresolved issues that your mind wasn't open to dealing with. You're the one who thinks you're a monster."

  Yeah, she had that one right.

  "Maybe it's time you start learning to forgive. And maybe you should also talk to the ones who hurt you the most in all of this - your parents. Then go down the list and talk to the ones you hurt and open up your heart." She cupped his face. "Give yourself a gift this Christmas. Give yourself the gift of forgiving and moving on."

  Eric didn't want to talk any more. With an aching heart and a longing to be free, he kissed her. His lips met her's for a hungry, desire-fueled want that propelled them both to another place. He pulled her closer again, sliding his arm around her.

  Petra worked the buttons one by one on his shirt and before he knew it, she had it all the way undone. Eric pulled away from her for a moment to shrug out of it, exposing his bare chest. Neither one said a word. Like magnets, their bodies connected once again as their need to be wanted skyrocketed. Eric jumped to his feet and took Petra with him. They left a trail of clothes down the hall as they made the way to her bedroom.

  He nipped at her bra strap with his teeth, pulling it down. Petra gasped and dug her fingernails into his skin. He had her bra off within seconds and he flicked his tongue all over her bare skin, licking and flicking in sensitive places. He laid Petra out on her bed, continuing to drive her crazy, along with himself.

  He moved on top of her, pressing his hard-on against her opening. Were they really going back to old ways again?

  Ahh, screw it. She wanted this, he wanted this, and they were on better terms. If Petra didn't want him to have sex with her, she'd tell him.

  They skipped right over the foreplay this time around, but Petra didn't care. Tonight, something different called to her, and she was ready for it. She held on to Eric as he pushed the tip of his cock inside, and right away she was hit with sensations. It had been a while since she had a man in her bed. There'd only been one person in the two years she'd split from Eric, and it had only been about the sex.

  Right now, it was about ... well, she wasn't sure, but it was more than just physical. Eric had opened up a part of himself tonight, something he'd never done for anyone else, and it allowed a bond to form she was sure she'd never find with him.

  There were no second thoughts. If this night of sex was a mistake later, they'd deal with it. She gasped and panted when Eric thrust deep into her and took a breast in his mouth at the same time.

  She bit back a scream. Hell, it had been so long, she couldn't contain herself.

  Her body felt as if it were on fire. She spasmed and shook around him. Eric continued to make love to her and brought his lips up and down her chest, then to her face as he sucked on her lower lip. A little rough, a little needy, and she loved every damn bit of it.

  They both climaxed at the same time, clinging to each other, and moaned. Their cries blended as their bodies gave in to the desire.

  Eric collapsed on her, breathing heavily. They laid in silence for a while, until he muttered, "What the hell did we just do?"

  Petra wasn't sure whether to laugh, or cry, or be sarcastic. "We gave in to pent up energy?" she quipped.

  "Without a condom." His voice had more alertness to it.

  Oh crap. They did. In all the feelings and hurt, they'd completely forgotten.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Eric rang the doorbell at Petra's the next night for their dinner date, still surprised that she agreed to it. He'd left almost immediately after they made love, because he didn't know what to say or do. What they did wasn't supposed to happen. They'd been over that road time and time again.

  And no condom. Just when he'd told her what made him so afraid of his own kids, he'd been that stupid and reckless.

  So many what ifs played in his head.

  He wasn't prepared for who answered the door, either. It wasn't Petra or Kinley.

  It was Jonas.

  Eric blanched. "Umm, hi." If he didn't know this house so well, he'd have double checked to make sure he was at the right door.

  Jonas laughed. "I hope you didn't have roses or something that you were about to hand me. One, I'm already engaged, and two ... Well, you aren't my type."

  Should he have brought flowers? He laughed at Jonas' sarcasm.

  "Robin and I are taking Kinley for the evening. Petra asked me to open the door when she heard you pull up. Come on in. Robin, will you stop messing with Petra's hair now? These two kids are ready to go!"

  Eric stifled a laugh.

  "Jonas Aimes! Be quiet!" Robin's voice drifted in from the other room.

  "Hey, at least I'm not doing to Eric what Jacob did to me," he shot back, pushing the door closed.

  Eric arched a brow at Jonas. "I don't think I want to know."

  The door to Petra's room opened and both women ran out. "Don't you dare start scrutinizing him like Jacob did to you!" Robin ran behind her fiancé and swatted his butt. "It was funny once, but leave them alone."

  "I didn't say I was going to! I said at least I didn't!" Jonas protested, pulling Robin close to him for a hug. "As long as Eric doesn't throw any punches-"

  "Jonas!" Both Robin and Petra shrieked.

  Eric laughed. "It's only fair he brings that up. It was his nose that got the brunt of it."

  "See? Eric does have a sense of humor. Points for you." Jonas gave him the thumbs up.

  Petra rolled her eyes. "Next time Robin, leave your joker at home."

  "Ow. Thrown to the bottom of the pile. I see how it is," Jonas muttered, pretending to be sad.

  "All right, Joker, put on your hat and let's get out of here." Robin tossed a wool hat at him, bursting in a fit of giggles. "I promise I won't let him have too much influence over Kinley tonight. We'll just cover her ears when he talks."

  Eric couldn't help but laugh. That got a glare from Jonas.

  "You know, I could use you on my side. I get enough from the women around here." Jonas put his hat on and messed up Kinley's hair. "You'll listen to me, right?"

  "You don't like all the attention?" Eric joked.

  "Eh, Maybe." Jonas shot him a smug look. "Have a good night."

  Eric hugged his daughter good-bye before she skipped off with Jonas and Robin. Now that they were alone, he took a good long glance at Petra. She'd had a little bit of makeup done, her hair was set in long ringlets, and she looked great. Dressed in a red sweater that hugged her curves just right and black jeans.

  "I almost didn't think you were going to come by after leaving so soon last night," she said.

  "I panicked. I told you something I've never told anyone, then what we did without a condom..."

  "You can say making love. Or having sex. Being intimate. Just so you know, I wanted that every bit as much as it felt like you did. I know the lack of a condom scares you, honestly it worries me too, but we'll figure it out if something happens."

  "I just don't wanna keep doing the same stuff over and over, you know?" If things were going to work out with Petra again, he wanted them to be done the right way. Having another unplanned kid would be a disaster. Learning how to handle himself around t
he ones he had was already hard enough.

  She curled her fingers through his. "I don't think you will. For the first time, you opened up your heart and poured your secrets out. I think we were both feeling a lot of things last night and weren't thinking. But then in the same instance, we were. We comforted each other in the way we've always known how. We live and learn. Come on, I think someone should make good on their date promise. We'll laugh, we'll talk, we'll eat. And I'll do my best not to take you home and seduce you tonight. We'll start new."

  Eric liked that idea. A lot.

  *****

  Despite the initial tension, tonight's dinner was going great. Eric seemed more talkative than normal, and he even laughed a few times. Finally, he started to ease out of his old shell. He stopped hiding behind single word sentences or the occasional two words. And his laugh! Petra had never heard such a great sound from him. She loved the red cheeks when something flustered him.

  Who was this man, and why hadn't he been around more often?

  "Funny how it's warmer tonight after I just had my heater fixed. The snow melted and I'm almost sweating in this outfit here," Petra commented as she raised her glass of sweet tea to her lips. "So, since you ordered in Italian, dare I ask what we're getting?"

  He'd taken her to a new restaurant that opened recently and had surprised her when he spoke to the waiter in a foreign language she didn't know he could speak. He was full of surprises lately.

  "I guess we'll find out soon enough," Eric winked as he pointed. Their food had arrived.

  As the plates were set in front of them, Petra's mouth watered. "Thank you." She smiled politely at the waiter before he scurried off to another table.

  Eric nodded. "So far so good."

  "All right, Secret Language Man, let's put it to the taste test." Petra raised her fork, poised over her plate of heaping pasta.

  "You can't pin the blame on me about taste!" Eric protested, shaking his fork at her. A twinkle lit his eyes.

  Actually, it tasted excellent. By the end of dinner, Petra was full. Eric paid the bill and they left. On the way out, she marveled at how nice the date was going so far. No tense moments. They were both full of laughs and chattering about different things.