3rd World Products, Inc., Book 1

by Ed Howdershelt

  I considered for a moment what to say next.

  "Linda, Ellen isn't going to be a permanent fixture in my life. She'll have places to go and things to do once the ink's dry and things really get underway. Want me to drop by then? We can take a trip or something. Act like tourists somewhere."

  After a moment she softly asked, "And if the operation doesn't work, or doesn't succeed as well as they expect? What then?"

  I looked at her and said, "I think I'll be ready to take a vacation, Linda. Might as well go places with a friend, right? Don't use that chair as an excuse, either. I've seen how well you get around here."

  Linda seemed to be searching my face for a moment.

  "We'll see," she said. "I may be busy then, too."

  "Hope not. When's the last time either of us wandered around Heidelberg? I'd like to revisit half a dozen places, Linda, and see some of the places I couldn't. Don't be difficult about it. Just start thinking up a travel plan."

  "Like I said, we'll see. We may be reassigned."

  "So we take a leave."

  "There may not be time for leaves for a while. Some of us will be remaining with the program, Ed. The need for our services won't end just because the factory's up and running."

  "Yeah, but they won't need so many of us. When the layoffs begin I'll probably be one of the first to leave, so try to find some travel time."

  She nodded.

  "There's something else, Linda. Something about Ellen."

  Her tone was mildly sarcastic. "No! Really?"

  I ignored her tone and asked my question.

  "We were getting along, then there was the gun thing and we didn't, and now we do again, better than ever. Got any idea why she had such an extreme change of heart since yesterday? She didn't strike me as being emotionally incontinent."

  "Could be she gave things some thought and decided that if she was going to be stuck with you she might as well make the best of it."

  "Well, damn, Linda. Don't try to flatter me or anything like that."

  "Not likely. Not until all this is over, anyway. I don't know, Ed. I don't even have a good supposition on that. It really could be that common sense prevailed when she realized that I was serious. I did tell her that I would have washed you out if you'd shown up unarmed."

  "That may have helped. She gave me some pills, Linda." I took one from my shirt pocket and rolled it across the desk to her. "She said they're like aspirin, only better. Ever seen them before?"

  Linda examined the pill and nodded, and rolled it back to me.

  "That's what they are. They weren't strong enough for me and they didn't react well with my other stuff. Guess you didn't hide your agonies very well after all?"

  "She was guessing," I said. "Where can I get an Amaran-English Berlitz book? I like to be able to read the labels before I take pills."

  "Ask your pad for now. It responds to voice commands. Speaking of pads, have you ever seen the PDA's people are using now?"

  "Sure. I almost bought one until I realized I didn't have a four-hundred-dollar use for it. I bought a leased-and-returned color laptop with a real keyboard and a modem for the same price."

  Linda laughed and slid her own PDA to me. "You'll be getting one like this."

  I looked at it and saw nothing unusual about it in any way. Linda was grinning at me. I decided to try to feed the joke back to her.

  "Elkor," I said. "What's special about this PDA?"

  From the tiny speaker on the PDA came the voice of the ship's computer.

  "It contains most of the features of the pad you used in your room, sir."

  "You can call me Ed."

  "Yes, sir, Ed."

  "I mean you can drop the 'sir' and use my name."

  "Why would that be appropriate, sir?"

  "Because I'm more comfortable with my name."

  "Yes, sir. As you wish. Ed."

  "Thank you. Now, how do I access those other functions? Just ask for them?"

  "Yes, Ed. Ask for a specific function or a standard menu."

  "A standard menu, then."

  The PDA's monochrome display switched to a miniature replica of the pad display. On the PDA's smaller screen the standard menu with all the icons was a mass of tiny print.

  "Abbreviate the text understatements and enlarge the icons about fifty percent, please. Display all text at size ten for now."

  It was done instantly. Better. I knew what most of the icons were, anyway. There was a tiny spot in the corner of the screen that never went away. At first I thought it was a bad pixel, but that somehow didn't seem likely. A closer look showed that it seemed to be of a different material than the screen.

  "Am I looking at a camera lens, Elkor?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  "Elkor, you're the one who redesigned all this stuff to fit inside this kind of PDA, aren't you?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  "You're pretty slick for a computer program, you know that?"

  "Slick? Please explain."

  I looked at Linda. She shrugged.

  "Well," I said, "It's just English slang for 'very talented'. You're a creative person, Elkor."

  "I'm not a person, Ed. I'm a program."

  "Hell, so is everybody else, Elkor. The computers are biological and the programs are usually faulty, and that's about the only difference I can see."

  Linda was grinning at me and shaking her head when Elkor spoke again.

  "That summation has occurred to me on occasion, as well, Ed."

  Linda stopped shaking her head and grinning and was staring at the PDA.

  Elkor said, "It... 'pleases' me to be of assistance to you. To be of assistance to most others is simply my purpose."

  Linda was now almost bug-eyed as she stared at the PDA.

  I said, "Thank you, Elkor. I'm grateful for being able to call on you for help. Have you met my cat?"

  "I have seen your cat, Ed."

  "Do you think you could eventually translate what he's saying to me into something I could understand? Words or pictures?"

  "Is the cat a sentient being?"

  "He tries to communicate with me. Does that qualify?"

  "A non-sentient being would not attempt to communicate."

  "If you're willing to give it a try, I'll introduce you to him later."

  "Yes, Ed. I'll try to communicate with your cat."

  "Thank you, Elkor. I'll appreciate your efforts."

  Linda just sat there staring at me for a moment, then said, "I can't believe you're going to tie up time on the ship's computer for something like that."

  I grinned and handed her back the PDA.

  "And why not? Elkor might enjoy the experience, and ol' Bear's been trying to get something across to me for nearly eighteen years now. Besides, if anyone can do it, Elkor can, and he knows how much time he can spare for things if time's even a consideration. That guy's smarter than all of us as a group, betcha."

  "Guy? Elkor is just a computer program, Ed."

  "I thought we covered that. Not to me, he isn't. There's no reason to believe he didn't just hear you say that, either. In lieu of evidence to the contrary, why not assume that he may have feelings to hurt? He's certainly as aware and responsive as most people you've ever met, isn't he?"

  Linda steepled her fingers and gazed at me for some time.

  "Okay, Ed. I'll talk to Elkor later and draw my own conclusions. Meantime, why don't you go play with your blonde and let me get back to work?"

  Ellen was coming down the hall as I let myself out of Linda's office. I told her that Elkor would be trying to communicate with Bear. She questioned the usefulness of doing so, but made no objections.

  Something was coming down the hallway toward us as we stood talking. I say 'something' because while it seemed to have two arms, two legs, and a head, it looked like one of those heavily-padded striking dummies you'd see in a gym. It was about five and a half feet tall and had Japanese features on its mask-like face and I knew instantly what it was.

  Elle
n was more surprised than I was, and I was damned surprised.

  She managed to say, "Mr. Kiyoshi?"

  Elkor's voice came from the golem. "No, Ellen. I'm using my own program for this project. It seemed likely to me that Bear would respond to a human form as he does with Ed. He might not respond to a voice from a pad or a simulated cat in the same manner."

  He could simulate a cat, too? Oh, hell, why not? He could simulate a long-dead Japanese Karate instructor well enough.

  I looked at Ellen and said, "I don't know..."

  Ellen said, "At least Mr. Kiyoshi never bruised me, Ed. He can touch as lightly as a feather."

  I nodded and said, "A stiff feather would be about the right touch for patting a cat. Good thinking, Elkor, but I do have one suggestion before you meet Bear and I'd like to postpone the meet until tomorrow if it's all right with you."

  "Tomorrow is fine, Ed. What is your suggestion?"

  "Pants and a shirt. I'll leave you these clothes so you'll have a human smell, even if it's mine. You can drop by my room in the morning to meet Bear."

  In what seemed a perfect rendition of my voice, Elkor said, "I can sound like you as well, if you think it would help."

  Ellen was staring open-mouthed at the Kiyoshi golem. Apparently she'd never seen this side of Elkor.

  I said, "No, Elkor, I'd rather you didn't ever use my voice and it would probably just confuse him. Let him get used to your voice. You may be talking with him over one of the PDA's later, anyway."

  "As you wish, Ed. I'll visit in this form in the morning."

  With that, the golem turned and headed back the way he'd come. Ellen watched him go in open-mouthed amazement until I tapped her arm.

  "Never seen him outside the gym?"

  "Uh... No, never. It never occurred to me that the Kiyoshi simulacrum could leave the gym. There was never any reason."

  I shrugged and opened my room door. "Well, I gave him one. This won't be a problem, will it?"

  Ellen looked at me questioningly and said, "A problem? No, not at all."

  As soon as the door closed, I pulled her to me and kissed her.

  "Then let me tend to my Bear and then tend to you. Good plan?"

  She pulled me to her in the same manner and kissed me.

  "Good plan."

  Chapter Twelve

  Enthusiasm can lead to overdoing things. In the morning I woke to discover aches and pains that had nothing to do with the previous day's training exercises and only combined with them when they didn't demand precedence.

  Ellen sat up, saw that I'd wakened with a woody, and promptly swung a leg over me to take charge of it for her own purposes. It wasn't the breathtaking sex of the night before, but it was fine enough for first thing in the morning. Hers triggered mine and she lay atop me for a few moments in the aftermath.

  "Awww. It's going down fast this time," she whispered. "Does that mean it doesn't love me anymore?"

  "It means that it suddenly wants to visit the bathroom very badly and I need a coffee," I said. "It's definitely no reflection on you, ma'am."

  Ellen giggled, kissed me lightly, and rolled off me. When I came back from the bathroom there were two coffees on the nightstand and two of the alien aspirins next to one of them. She headed for the bathroom as I picked up my cup.

  "I thought you might need a couple of those with your coffee, Ed."

  "You thought right. Thanks. Some woman used me unmercifully last night."

  "Funny you should mention that. Some man was all over me last night. I can still feel him inside me if I think about it."

  I sipped some coffee and looked at the pills. I still had reservations about taking them, but Linda had said they were okay, so I took them anyway and started doing stretches to loosen up.

  Bear jumped down from the chair and followed Ellen into the bathroom. That's where his food, water, and box were, and he apparently felt that it might be a good idea to keep an eye on Ellen or his stuff.

  I heard Ellen's, "Well, hi, Bear!" and then, "Ed, why is your cat staring at me?"

  Mental grin. "Maybe he's afraid you'll use his box, Ellen."

  After a moment, she asked, "Have you ever used his box?"

  "Nope. Not even once."

  "Then why would he think I would?"

  "It was just a thought, ma'am. Could be he's worried you'll eat his food."

  "Have you ever eaten his food?"

  "I can see where this is going. No. I haven't. Try patting him."

  There was silence from the bathroom, then, "Oh, you like that, don't you, little Bear?"

  I finished my coffee and poured another. When Ellen came out she was carrying Bear in her arms, snug against her naked breasts. Bear liked being carried sometimes. This was one of those times. He seemed perfectly happy as he looked at me and said, "Yahh."

  Ellen said, "That's all Bear ever says. Do you really think Elkor will be able to figure out what he's trying to say?"

  "No, not really."

  "Then why ask him to do it?"

  I looked at Ellen as she sipped coffee and said, "Because I might be wrong and it can't hurt to try. You know, you look just as good the morning after. That's a compliment, by the way. Some women don't. Ready for a shower?"

  She looked at her watch on the nightstand and said, "It will have to be a quick one. We have about half an hour."

  The door chime sounded. I said, "Yes?"

  Elkor's voice said, "I'm outside your door, Ed. Let me know when you're ready to begin the communication attempt."

  "We're going to wash up and dress first. Sorry to keep you waiting."

  "There is no hurry, Ed."

  "Okay, then. See you in a few."

  "A few?"

  "Minutes, Elkor. A few minutes."

  "I understand now. Good."

  Ellen and I rushed our shower a little, but not enough that I didn't get a chance to thoroughly soap her glorious nakedness. When we were dressed I told Elkor he could come in. The door slid back and the golem entered the room.

  Bear apparently received this new visitor with some apprehension. I handed Elkor my pants and shirt and Bear watched carefully as this truly strange new visitor put them on. I then went to pick up Bear and bring him over for a closer look at Elkor.

  At a distance of two feet or so, I told Elkor to say hello to Bear.

  "Hello, Bear."

  Bear's ears flattened, then rose, then flattened again.

  "Try it again, Elkor."

  "Hello, Bear."

  Bear looked up at me, then back at Elkor. He wasn't buying it.

  I said, "Something about something isn't ringing quite right for him. Try letting him sniff your hand. If that goes well, we'll have you try to pet him."

  Elkor extended his padded hand to Bear and Bear sniffed it briefly before looking up at me again. He plainly wanted to be somewhere else.

  "Try stroking him and ruffling his chin."

  Elkor did so, stroking Bear a few times and rubbing the side of his face. Bear was stiff in my arms. He wasn't ready to run, but he wasn't at all comfortable.

  "Elkor, he's not taking this well at all and we have to go. Can you leave the Kiyoshi golem here in the room on one of the chairs and let Bear check it out when he feels a little more comfortable around it? Does anyone else need it today?"

  "No, no one else is in need of it today. I can sit at the table and keep trying. Would that be the thing to do?"

  "Sure. Just call him once in a while and see if he'll come to accept you, I guess. Careful not to step on him if you have to leave."

  "I will not step on your cat, Ed. That is a certainty."

  "Good deal. I'll bring a bit of bacon from breakfast to try to loosen him up a bit and come back at lunch if necessary, too. In the meantime, try calling him every five minutes or so and don't startle him by moving quickly. Maybe we'll get somewhere with this after all."

  "Understood."

  Ellen and I left the Mr. Kiyoshi golem sitting at the table. Bear was sitting on hi
s chair alertly. It was obvious that he was wondering why the hell I was leaving that thing in the room with him.

  In the hall, Ellen asked, "Is all this really worth the trouble?"

  "Sure is. I want to know. So does Elkor."

  "How did you come to that conclusion?"

  "He was making suggestions. If he hadn't had an interest, he wouldn't have."

  Ellen shook her head briefly and said nothing else.

  I took a napkin with some bacon in it back to the room after breakfast and set it on the floor near Elkor. Bear smelled it and yelled for some and I gave him a little on his chair, then patted him and left the room as he sounded off again.

  The morning's "training" amounted to a recap of the people and organizations thought to be a threat to the project. I'm sure it was mostly for my benefit that they trotted all the faces and facts past us again, but nobody was unkind enough to say so in so many words, and there was a bit more of the material to review than there had been the night before.

  When Ellen and I checked on Bear after lunch, he was on the bed. Elkor was just as we'd left him, apparently not having moved an inch. The bacon I'd left beside Elkor was gone - a good sign - and I placed some sliced beef on the napkin after giving Bear a bit of it, then moved the napkin to Elkor's lap.

  "Maybe this will help. He loves roast beef. How's it going, Elkor?"

  "Bear has made his sound eleven times during your absence. There were at least seven minute but distinct variations that I was able to detect. Three of the sounds had something to do with the food you left after breakfast. The other four were just answers of some sort to my attempts to call him."

  "That's progress of a sort. Do you think you'll be able to translate them?"

  "It is too soon to tell. I need more data for extrapolation."

  "Hmm. Well, luck with it. We're off to more mind-numbing slide shows."

  We left him to it again and discovered that I was right. More of the same sort of pictures and details were presented most of the afternoon. I probably drank a pot of coffee all by myself in an effort to at least appear alert.

  I snagged a tidbit for Bear during dinner and we headed back to my room.

  Ellen asked, "What's that for? Isn't Elkor's attempt to reach Bear going to be finished when we return?"

  "Not necessarily. We're going to be out there in the flitter for a couple of hours, at least. Let's not give up until we get back. Let Elkor collect all the data he can."