Dear Delilah (Hudson U)

by T. Bester

  She’s enraptured by the magnitude of life, and I’m suddenly enraptured by the magnitude of having this girl in mine.

  She sighs, happy to rest her head on my chest, her arm loose around my waist. And when she lifts her gaze, her eyes connecting with mine, everything falls into place.

  “You’re my favorite person,” she tells me. My heart trips inside my chest, and I have no doubt that she can hear it drumming away beneath her ear. If she does, she gives no indication.

  But I feel the impact of her words straight down to my balls.

  I give her my laziest smile, but my most honest words. “You’re my favorite person too, Savvy.”

  That was the exact moment I realized Savannah was more than my favorite person. She was my person.

  I wipe my hands down my face, suddenly feeling world-weary and tired to the bone. I had every intention of telling her after that weekend how I felt, but the longer I waited, the more my fear grew. What if she didn’t feel the same way? What if she said we couldn’t be friends anymore because I felt too much? What if she decided that she didn’t want me that way?

  All those possibilities had me completely spooked, so I chickened out like a damn coward and kept my feelings buried. I carried on as if she hadn’t shared that part of herself with me, that I didn’t replay the moment over and over in my head while imagining what it would be like to be more than just friends with Savannah.

  And despite my best intentions, and every measure I could take to protect both of us, I still made the wrong call and fucked up.

  Which is why I should heed Autumn’s advice, no matter how much it’s going to hurt me.

  I switch off downstairs after another hour alone in the kitchen, and head to Savannah’s room. She’s still asleep when I crawl beneath the covers, her bed a little too small to have us both lying side-by-side. But Savannah saves me the discomfort when she rolls over, and seeks me in her sleep. Her teeth chatter a little, and I realize that she’s cold.

  So, I do the only thing I can, and wrap myself around her. If I’m going to leave her in the morning, and give her the space she needs, then I need one last memory to hang on to and hope that it will be enough.

  5

  NATHAN

  MY PHONE VIBRATES, waking me from the most restful sleep I’ve had in weeks. Savannah stirs beside me, her long lashes fluttering against her cheeks. Our bodies are entwined, and when I reach over to silence my phone, her arm tightens around me. For a second, I contemplate ignoring the phone and going back to sleep, but when I see that it’s Zoey, I check the messages.

  Bean: Got a flight. Will land in Hudson in a few hours.

  Shit.

  I check the time.

  It’s 4am.

  If I leave now, I’ll get to the airport just in time to get Zoey.

  I glance back at Savannah, and then type my response.

  Nate: I’ll be there when you land. X

  I don’t want to leave, but if I stay it will only be drawing it out and make it harder. I’m also not sure I should be here when she wakes up. Things between us are unsteady at the moment, and the last thing I want is to hurt her more than I already have.

  I kiss her forehead, committing the feel of her body locked with mine to memory and then slowly extricate myself from her hold. I stop short when she mumbles, and let out a breath when she rolls over without waking.

  After getting dressed, I fumble around Savannah’s desk for a piece of paper. I scribble a note, and place it on the pillow beside her. Before I can change my mind, I grab the last of my things and head out to my truck. It’s still cold as fuck outside, but the snow has let up, making it safe enough for me to drive to the airport. I shoot Zoey one last text to let her know I’m on my way and then crank up the heat.

  Three hours later, I find a parking space at the airport and walk to domestic arrivals. It is quiet at this time of the morning with only a few vendors open for the people who have been stuck here on the account of bad weather. I drink some coffee, eyeing the doors with anticipation. After last night, Zoey is just the person I need to see. After a few minutes of wandering around, the doors finally slide open. I search the small crowd, and when I spot Zoey, I grin and hold my arms open. She falls into my embrace, and lets out a groan.

  “Longest. Day. Of. My. Life.”

  I chuckle, and lean down to kiss her head. At five-three, she’s bite size and a whole lot smaller than I am. She hugs me tightly, and then steps back to look up. Her eyes, blue like our Mom’s, glisten with tiredness, but her smile tells me she’s just as happy to see me as I am her. Her hair is fire-truck red, cut in a shoulder-length bob with bangs that hover just above her brows.

  “Glad you’re finally here, Bean. Was your flight okay?”

  She passes me her luggage, and we start towards the parking lot.

  “A little rocky, but I sucked it up. I was so ready to be home.”

  I pull her into a side hug as we walk. “It is good to have you home.” And it is. My parents and I have been worried about her being at school out of state. She’s had no support in Austin, and while I’m thrilled to have her here, I know she’s running from something. Or someone. Zoey isn’t flighty, even if she’s taking her sweet time to get her shit together, but when she’s scared, she bolts. But whatever, she’ll talk to me when she’s ready. I’m just glad she’s here, and right now, that’s all that matters.

  “I need sleep,” she cries as we climb into my truck. “The guy next to me fell asleep before we took off and snored the whole way.”

  “Crash in the car. We’ll be back in Hudson in an hour.”

  I pull onto the road that leads back to Hudson while Zoey gets comfortable in the passenger seat.

  “Uh, no. I want to catch up with you while I have the chance because once I hit that bed, I don’t know how long I’ll be out.”

  I smother a laugh. Zoey has a bit of a flare for the dramatic.

  “Have you let Mom and Dad know you’re here?”

  Her expression falters, her brows drawn low. She fidgets with her hands.

  That’s new.

  Zoey has never been a fidgeter before.

  “Not yet. Last time I spoke to them we had a bit of a fight, and I wasn’t very nice to them. Figured I’d hide out before I call them.”

  I turn the heat up, set the truck to cruise, and settle in for my big brother duty. “Okay. Tell me what happened. Mom didn’t say anything to me when I spoke to her yesterday.”

  Zoey exhales, and rests her head against the back of the seat. “I think they’re getting tired of my inability to pick a future.”

  Yeah. That would do it. Mom and Dad have allowed both of us to figure out what we want, but Zoey has had a hard time finding her feet. It makes sense that our parents would get tired of paying for every whim Zoey has. Hell, she’s had it pretty easy so far. My Dad made it clear after I took a two year sabbatical to travel that I had to find what I wanted to do, and do it. He wasn’t going to foot the bill forever, nor should he have to. We all have to fly away from the nest eventually, and I was fortunate to have found my passion as soon as I started college. Zoey, on the other hand, hasn’t.

  “They’re just worried about you,” I tell her honestly. “They want you to be happy, Zo.”

  “I know, I know,” she sighs, her frustration palpable. “But I haven’t found what lights my soul on fire, Nate. Not like you have. And Mom has this way of making me feel…broken, somehow, because I don’t know what it is I want out of life. I’m 19, who the fuck knows what they want at 19?”

  I pinch my lips to stop myself from saying ‘I did’.

  “Maybe I should get a job,” she says. “Maybe then Mom and Dad will give me a break. I can’t deal with all their hovering.”

  “Want me to talk to them?”

  “No, I don’t need you to rescue me. I made this mess, I can clean it up myself.”

  “Let me talk to Dad-"

  “No. I promised them it’s the last time I would pack up and mo
ve in the hopes of finding myself. They’re waiting for me to fail, Nate. And I want more than anything to prove them wrong.”

  I reach for her hand and squeeze it. “You’ll figure it out, Bean.”

  “I appreciate the vote of confidence, but unless you can help by giving me a job, I need to pull myself towards myself on my own.”

  “You could always work with me and Brian,” I tease. My roommate, Brian and I started our own business a year ago. We started flipping houses for some extra money on the side and it turned into a more lucrative opportunity than we initially thought. We make enough now to pay our tuition, and at the start of last year, we bought a house together. I also made enough to buy the apartment Zoey and Savannah are moving into. It’s a pretty sweet setup, but I can’t imagine Zoey getting her hands dirty. Unless it’s a mud mask before a manicure.

  “Ugh. I don’t think so. As soon as I’m settled and moved in, I’ll start looking for something. I have to see my advisor this week, and make sure all my credits were transferred. And then maybe I’ll decide on a damn major.”

  The exasperation in Zoey’s voice pulls at my insides, but she’s right. She needs to figure this out, no matter how badly I want to do it for her.

  When she falls quiet — also unlike her — I decide to change the topic.

  “Your furniture arrives later today. I got everything you wanted.”

  With that, she brightens. “I’m so excited to see it! I got so tired of sharing a dorm and having no closet space.”

  “You’ll still be sharing,” I remind her. “But I think the closet space will be better.” Zoey made it perfectly clear to me when I bought the place that it had to have enough closet space, it was the first thing she asked for. And like a sucker, I couldn’t deny her.

  “Speaking of sharing…” Zoey bites her lip, and now it’s my mood that takes a dive. I think about how I left Savannah in her bed and try to ignore the ache in my chest.

  “How is it going with Savannah?”

  “She’s fine, excited to move in too. And meet you.” I’d overheard her talking to her Mom about moving into a new apartment, and meeting Zoey. She’d fretted about Zoey not liking her, but I couldn’t tell her she had nothing to worry about.

  “Well, as soon as she finds out how we’ve lied to her, I might not have a roommate anymore.”

  Guilt unfurls in my stomach. “I’m sorry I got you dragged into my mess.” Suddenly, Zoey isn’t the only one who needs to figure things out on her own. “If it’s any consolation, I think Savannah will forgive you.”

  Zoey stares at me for a beat. “But will she forgive you?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. All I want for her right now is to be okay.”

  “Are you going to try work it out with her?” Her tone is hopeful. Wrongfully so because she doesn’t know everything that went down between me and Sav. I share every aspect of my life with my sister, it’s just the kind of relationship that we have, but some things are too private, and it’s not only my story to share. It is Savannah’s too. The only other person who knows the truth is Toby, and it’s only because I got so fucking wasted that I spilled my guts to him. As one of my closest friends, I knew he would never tell a soul. Well, almost. He accidentally let it slip to Sav and as long as I live, I will never forget the look she gave me. She hated me in that moment, and I ended up hating myself for every other moment with her that I took for granted…

  “Nate…you’re staring.”

  I blink, feeling a strange sensation warming my cheeks. Savannah lifts her head from the book in front of her, and gives me a toothy grin. “Your answers are not on my face, you know.”

  “Sorry.” The utterance is weak, and I feel like a complete ass for being caught ogling my best friend. But, I guess I can’t really be surprised, consider we have been in each other’s pockets for the last month. We’ve become ‘Nathan and Savannah’ — even our friends have noticed it. Griffin even asked me straight up if I was sleeping with his sister, and I almost punched him. That action alone was more than any refutation I could conjure up regarding the status of my friendship with Sav.

  Simply put, I was in trouble. And it’s been bothering me ever since.

  I clear my throat, and stand. We’ve been studying for hours, but in the last few minutes, I’ve grown restless, staring more at Savannah’s profile than the business textbook I’m supposed to be studying. “You want something to eat?”

  I give her my back and busy myself in the kitchen.

  “I’m starving.”

  I jump when Savannah speaks beside me, and immediately feel annoyed with myself for such a juvenile reaction. Jesus, I need to get my shit together. Savannah is my friend. F-R-I-E-N-D.

  “Hey, are you okay?” She rests her small hand on my forearm, and her touch makes me feel hot and cold all at once. “You seem agitated.”

  I plaster a smile on my face, willing the shit inside my head to quiet down. Maybe I need to get laid? I haven’t touched another girl since…shit, I can’t even remember. And until now, I didn’t even give it a second thought.

  “Just tired,” I lie. “This paper is going to kill me.”

  “You’ll be fine, Nate. But maybe we should call it a night.” She hesitates, and then bites her lip. “Candice is probably…”

  My brows furrow at the mention of Sav’s roommate, Candice. “She bring another guy to the dorm?”

  The idea of some strange fucker being around Sav makes me unnaturally irate. Her roommate has a habit of bringing home strangers, and leaving Savannah locked out of their dorm while they fuck around.

  “It’s fine. I should be used to it by now. The sofa in the communal living room is actually quite comfortable.” I know for a fact that it’s not.

  “You need to move, Sav. You can’t keep living like that.”

  I pull out some plates and take the Crab Imperial from the fridge. Savannah’s mom sent me the recipe and I decided to make it. It’s one of Savannah’s favorites.

  “I know, but I can’t ask my parents to pay for my rent in a new place. So, I’ll just have to stick it out — is that Jumbo Lump Crab Imperial?”

  Her voice hitches up, and my smile is involuntary. She’s so easy to please, this girl.

  “Your mom sent me the recipe.”

  “And you made it?”

  Her expression makes me realize why I made it. Because it makes her happy. And making her happy, makes me happy.

  I shrug, feigning indifference as if making one of her favorite meals is no big deal. It shouldn’t mean anything, but I find myself doing little things now that I never would have done for anyone else, let alone a girl. I broke that fortuitous rule when I invited Savannah over to my house for the first time, knowing that sharing my space wasn’t something I did easily, even though I had two roommates.

  “I wanted to see if I could. You got me hooked when we visited your parents last weekend.”

  “My mom must really like you if she gave you the recipe. She wouldn’t even give it to me.”

  “First, everyone likes me. And second, she probably didn’t give it to you because you’re a terrible cook.”

  Savannah gasps, and swats me with a dishtowel, her laughter filling the kitchen. “Hey! You said you liked my cooking!”

  I grab the dish towel before she can hit me again. “I was being polite!” Her cooking really was terrible, but the one time she made me a grilled cheese sandwich, I couldn’t bring myself to not eat it. She looked so proud of the greasy sandwich, and I swallowed it down with great difficulty, praising her the entire time because it was ‘so good’.

  “You ate it anyway?”

  “Of course, I did. You made it for me.”

  Her cheeks redden, and she ducks her head. “I wanted to do something nice for you.”

  I lean over and tilt her chin. Her expression is taut with a vulnerability I’m not used to seeing. Sav is one of the most self-assured people I know and having her feel any other way around me makes me feel like shit. “A
nd I appreciate it, Savvy. But leave the cooking up to me, okay? I’m happy to do it.”

  Her eyes glisten as she looks up at me, and it’s a swift kick to the gut, the way she exposes herself to me without even realizing it. It’s as if she’s begging me to take a look inside, while hoping I’ll like what I see.

  I do like what I see, more than I’m ready to admit.

  “Careful, Nate. If you keep cooking for me, I might never leave.”

  “You’re always welcome here.” My gut does this weird flippy thing. “In fact, why don’t you stay here tonight? You have a big test tomorrow, and I don’t want you sleeping on a shitty sofa.” The excuse comes easily enough, but I realize that I really don’t want her to leave yet. When her expression twists with uncertainty, her eyes wide and questioning, I add, “I’ll take the floor, and you can take my bed.”

  Sav hesitates, and then takes a step back, away from me. It’s a strange relief though, because I’m wound tighter than a two dollar watch and having the space helps ease the tension pulling at my insides.

  “I’d like that, although I don’t expect you to sleep on the floor.”

  Sav turns and starts setting up the kitchen counter, where we eat in the kind of companionship I’ve been missing as of late. My thoughts have been a little jumbled, but watching Sav sit across from me, laughing, and being herself, makes me believe I have nothing to worry about, that our friendship is safe where it is.

  We wash up, and while Savannah takes a shower, I try not to overthink it. Sleeping on the floor isn’t ideal, not for someone my size, but if it means Sav will feel safe with me then I’d suck it up seven days a week. I have nothing to worry about though, because there’s no awkwardness when Savannah climbs into my giant California King, dressed in one of my shirts and nothing else. She simply curls up on her side, facing me, as if there’s no place else she would rather be.

  Her eyes start to close, and she mumbles, “Nate?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “I like being here. With you.”

  I twist my head, and look at her, but her eyes are shut and her breathing has slowed. “I like having you here too.”